Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday, April 21 - Wednesday, April 30:

After that busy Rob and Peter week, I had to get back to doing taxes on Monday. I had quite a lot to finish up before the 30th! I don’t think I did anything exciting that week of Monday to Friday, I just worked and stuff. (”And stuff” means my usual daily routines of home care, lattes, quick trips to the mall, Facebook, Ellen/Oprah/Dr. Phil on and off, eBay, all mixed around work). On Friday, my home care worker, who is about the sweetest lady on earth, came by a second time around 1:00 and brought me samosas and pakoras. She’s from India and knows how much I love Indian food, so she decided to bring me some. Seriously? How nice is she??

On Saturday, I made plans with Jason. We had been talking all week about going for that Indian food buffet that Peter and I had gone to at the Samosa Grill, so on Saturday we confirmed it. Jason also had a cousin playing in a band downtown later that night, so he asked me to be his “date” for that. It actually was very much a real date, with Jason paying and everything, but I can’t REALLY date Jason. I mean… I love him too much, I think! We’re family. Anyway, I took my wheelchair because I thought it would be easier to get me around. Which it was, but still a hassle. The Samosa Grill is upstairs, so we had to take their freight elevator, and wait for a staff member to be free to take us to that loccked area. She took us the long way around, which involved going through storage areas and knocking over bins of empty bottles and such. Getting me in anywhere can be quite the production. Finally settled, Jason was my server for the evening, since it was a buffet. He took good care of me. Leaving was a little easier, because the staff member who took us knew the shortcut that I had taken with Peter last time. A lot less stuff to knock over.

Oh, and I should also mention that Jason has a Monster Truck van that I have a very hard time getting into, it is so high. Lots of help and butt boosting required from Jason. We get into some questionable positions, and if either of us were famous, the paparazzi would have a GREAT time taking pictures. Anyway, we were finally headed downtown to the Palomino, which it turns out has no elevator to get to the live music downstairs (it’s a very old building). Jason was mainly interested in seeing his cousin and saying “hi”, than he was in actually seeing the band, so our plan was to just stay in the upstairs bar for a drink or two if the stairs were going to be a hassle. Parking downtown is, of course, hard to come by, but after driving around for awhile we found a spot a couple blocks away. As Jason wheeled me to the club, I was saying “I’ve gotta pee the second we get in there!” (I’m such a classy date). We got inside the main doors no problem and asked a waitress where the washrooms were. “Our upstairs bathrooms are out of order. You have to go downstairs”.

Ah, wonderful. It was only about 8:30, and the doors for the show downstairs didn’t even open until 9:30 (although you could use the washrooms, of course). We decided to just brave the stairs and hopefully they would let us stay down there. Jason walked down the stairs with me, slow and steady, then ran back up to get my chair. I used the facilities, then we got settled at a table in the empty bar. They let us stay there and wait for the doors to “officially” open. Jason ran back upstairs and bought us drinks. At some point I apologized for being so high maintenance, needing all this help from him! He said “this, to me, is not maintenance. This is nothing. Emotional High Maintenance is a lot more work!” (Referring to relationships - have we not all had to deal with emotionally high maintenance people at some point?) That made me feel good. Physically, I’m pretty demanding because I need help with stuff, and you’ve got to be in good enough shape to lug a wheelchair or walker when hanging out with me! But I’m not going to drain you emotionally, so I guess it’s whatever is easier for you. I need to learn to stop apologizing all the time, because I know I would rather help someone down the stairs and push them in a wheelchair, than deal with bitching, whining, complaining, and walking on eggshells with someone you don’t know how to talk to or are afraid will explode if you say the *wrong* thing. Yeah.

So, we stayed down there for a couple of hours, listening to live surf rock music, before we were both ready to call it a night. Going up the stairs we had many staff offering to help - “can we do anything to help?” to which Jason responded, “all we need is time!”. Good answer. Jason walked with me up the stairs and a bartender carried my wheelchair. He said they had hosted big parties for oil and gas companies and stuff, and one night there were 3 wheelchairs, and the men were paraplegics and unable to stand at all. Times like that they really wish they had an elevator, but renovating a building that old would cost a fortune. I’m just really glad I am able to stand/walk, because no one would be able to carry me up or down stairs. Ahhhh, to be a lithe 115 pounds.

Jason dropped me at home and wheeled me inside, making sure all was okay and no cats ran out before he left. It was a great night! I heart my Jason.

Sunday, I rested and Facebooked and eBayed. I replenished my shower gel/body lotion supply with Avon products that cost a total of 6 cents, and with shipping it only came to $18.05… when I received the box, she had paid $22.50 for the shipping. Sometimes, the deals on eBay freak me out. I don’t understand how someone can sell sets of shower gel and body lotion for one penny, spend more on shipping than they charge, and continue being a seller. Maybe she promised her husband she would give him all her eBay profits and then found out he was having an affair.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were the end of tax season. Naturally, the CRA’s website decided to conk out and I wasn’t able to file the last two I had. It was frustrating as HELL!! Luckily, the CRA became aware of their server issues and let everyone know they had an extra week to file online. I wish I had known that before I spent all day Tuesday fighting with their website! Anyway, alls well that ends well. Everything got done and my clients are happy. Now the late ones are starting to call me! I’ll be busy for another month…

Next up, my 40th birthday extravaganza! Wheee! Until then, here is a really cute video of Pita and Pepper (mostly Pita) chasing their new laser:

Okay, here we go, longest entry ever. LOTS of pictures! I had the most amazing weekend, which could have been even better if I hadn’t missed about 6 hours of hanging out with everybody because of my intolerance to heat It reached about 35°C on Sunday and that sucks for me! However, aside from that, I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend or greater people to spend it with.

I arrived at the airport around noon, checked where the band’s flight was arriving from, and took a seat near that gate. I TM’d Rob to let him know I was there and where I was. He wrote back that he was in the rental car line-up and would be down to meet us as soon as he could.

I saw a bunch of people wandering by the luggage carousel, so I figured the flight had arrived and wandered to that area, pushing my wheelchair that was loaded with a couple of my bags and stuff. The first person I saw was Scott, who was peering at me as he got closer. I think I “eeeked!” or something as I gave him a hug, it was so great to finally meet in person. Next I met Alex, who is adorable, followed by Adam who is just a teddy bear of a man, and whose muscles would come in handy when pushing me in my wheelchair all over what turned out to be VERY rough terrain at the outdoor festival. (Mine was the only wheelchair there I believe, and I can understand why!)

Anyway, we all took a seat and waited for Rob. It was at this time that Scott presented me with a beautiful pair of earrings from his wife’s handmade collection - “Stacey made these for you last night”. How sweet is that?? I LOVE them:

When Stacey has an online store or something I will definitely link to it - she has photos of her jewelry on Facebook and it’s all beautiful, unique, and funky!

The line-up at the car rental place was so long, I guess Rob decided to leave and go back later, so he met up with us on the lower level. I was hoping our vehicle would be HUGE, because there was more than just my wheelchair and a couple guitars… although Alex would play a cello provided by the Fair and Adam the main stage drum kit, there was still a lot of instruments and gear. We brought everything up to the car rental place where Scott and Rob got in line and the rest of us went off to eat in the food court.

When we got back, they had just reached the service desk. Due to a mess up on the car rental agency’s end (of course), we received a free upgrade to a Volvo wagon. It sounded big enough, but once everything was loaded in, Scott, Alex and Adam still had to sit in the back seat with one of the guitar cases across their laps! I, on the other hand, got the front passenger seat. Just the first example of how wonderfully I was treated all weekend! They even let me have the air conditioning on the whole 2 hour car ride… I, too, sneeze and get headaches from A/C, but it is a necessary evil when it’s hot!

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Friday night, I went out with Christine and her boyfriend L@khena. I brought my digital camera.

Christine

L@khena

And then, because I am digitally challenged and haven’t recharged it since I got it, the battery died. Figures. I was finally ready to snap a bunch of photos of actual human beings!!

It was so great to see them both. Christine heads back to Quebec today, I’m going to miss her. She also gave me a gift card for the Olive Garden that she bought for me when she was here last summer! It’s going to be hard to go there and not eat their bread sticks now! Yikes!

They got me drunk, paid for our delicious dinner and wine, then took me home. I wish that happened more often for me haha! Christine always spoils me when I see her, and if her boyfriend is there too, he spoils us both.

Saturday, I knew I had made a mistake. Not because I was hungover or anything, unless I want to start calling it my MS hangover. I stayed in bed for a looooong time. It was a combination of too much red wine, which contributed to my lack in judgement, which contributred to my ordering baklava for dessert, and the Arabic coffee, which is not only full of caffeine, but white sugar. I slept horribly and was tired all day. I stayed in bed until almost 4:00. I hated having to get up, I hated having to shower, I hated having to get dressed in something besides sweat pants because I was going out, and I hated trying to prepare my first and only meal at 6:00 pm that consisted of rice crackers and tuna. I just wanted to stay home.

So that just tells me I can’t drink any more than a glass or two of wine, and that my eating plan is not worth falling off of (no, I don’t consider swaying from my regimen once in awhile breaking my making-it-to-two-years goal - it’s if I lose it for days and start eating like before and have a hard time getting back on track, then I’ve broken it).

Anyway, I tried to cheer myself up about going out, because I was going to see some amazing musicians and an old friend and it was going to be a brilliant night. I HAD to smarten up and get in better spirits!

My Access driver helped. He was on time and told me the other person he was going to pick up and drop off before me had cancelled, so we had a lot of time. I was going straight there, and I would be super early. So we decided to go to Tim Horton’s and get coffee! My driver was really nice, and said he would buy me coffee because “you are a sweetie”. He was, of course, Muslim. Haven’t I said before that all those Muslim cab drivers love me??? Anyway, we actually talked about our views on marriage (how do these conversations even start? I don’t know) and he said that when he gets married, he expects only two things from his wife: That she respect his parents, and that she keeps a clean home because he likes a clean home. I asked “um… will you help with keeping the clean home? Or is that ‘woman’s work’?” He hesitated… then said he would help on his day off if he’s not too tired. “What about if she works full time? Isn’t she tired on her day off, too?” He said they could do it together on their day off, but he didn’t say it like he meant it, he just knew what I wanted to hear. “What about a cleaning lady, are we allowed to hire a cleaning lady?” (Yes, I said WE ahahaha) He said if he can afford a cleaning lady, then yes, we can hire a cleaning lady. We. Ahahaha

Well, I’m glad I cleared that up.

So, XL coffee in hand, I arrived at the Church where the show was (I love it when musicians perform in churches, such a better atmosphere than a bar because everyone is actually listening). I was first in line and when the doors officially opened a few minutes later, I got a great seat in the first pew. Padded pews even! I remembered that my friend Debbie was married in that church, I recognized the carpet.

Anyway, the show was A M A Z I N G. All on stage were Melanie Doane, Jeremy Fisher, Jenny Whiteley, Barney Bentall, and Blair Packham. They each took turns performing a song, and after two rounds they took a break. When the second set was about to start, Blair came over to me, leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and asked how I was. Then he asked me if I could film parts of the second half with his video camera. Okay, people, I’m still learning the ins and outs of my own little camera, I’ve never even held a video camera before! But I took it and did my best. He knows I’m a one handed wonder, and considering that, I think I did pretty damn good! I kept switching from his camera to mine, and I got some decent footage too. I’ll be sending them all to Blair for him to do whatever he wants with, and uploading them to You Tube if you’re interested, including Barney performing “Somethng to Live For”, his hit song from the late 80’s with his band the Legendary Hearts. They’re all a little shaky because a) I’m a little shaky, and b) I was tapping my foot which I have now learned the hard way is not a smart thing to do when you’re trying to hold a camera still. Just tap and bop your head along with me, and it will look normal.

After the show I went backstage to return Blair’s camera and then we went out to the main lobby. I got a picture with each of the guys… I don’t know where the girls were. Typical me.

Me and Blair Packham

Me and Barney Bentall

Me and Jeremy Fisher

It was a great night. I called a cab and was home around midnight. My cab driver, who I did not recognize, surprised me by asking me if I still did accounting. Apparently he picked me up from the Pub about two years ago. GEEZ those guys have good memories!! And I am simply unforgettable. I hope that’s a good thing.

I wanted to leave you with the Awesomeness of Mr. Jeremy Fisher performing “High School”, but that video is 149MB so I can’t even upload it to You Tube!! So instead you get part of the encore; Barney got everyone up to join in a sing-a-long. L-R: Melanie, Jeremy, Jenny, Barney and Blair. Enjoy!

Yesterday was a mighty fine New Year’s Eve. My mom and Bob came by in the morning, and we went for a delicious breakfast at the Blackfoot Inn. They have an all-you-can-eat brunch buffet, but I never seem to get my (well, their) money’s worth at those things, so I ordered a vegetarian scramble off the menu and asked Bob to grab some extra bacon for me when he went to the buffet. It was really, really yummy.

Then we came back here and while Bob went to run an errand, my mom and I worked on cleaning out my bathroom. So that is done, now. I still have so much stuff. I mean, I will use it eventually, but then I keep getting more and it piles up until I have 6 bottles of body wash that I LOVE, but I can’t use it up fast enough. Case in point, the cranberry Body Shop set I got from my client… soap, body butter, lotion, lip balm… I love it all, so in the basket it goes, but before I get to it I will end up with more. I had about 5 bottles of shampoo and conditioner under there I forgot I had! Keep me the hell away from Lush for 6 months.

And as I sit here typing this, I notice two jars of body butter on my desk. My thought at the time was if I kept some in here, I would remember to rub it on my legs and elbows when I’m sitting here in my PJ’s in the mornings or evenings. That’s part of my problem too… I covet this stuff, I hoard it, and then I forget to actually use it. (Lotions/body butters only… not a problem with body wash or anything I use in the shower!)

Anyway, after my folks left I went over to the mall, with one of my 101 in 1001 goals in mind. The night before I had been looking online at duvets, trying to see if I could find the one I really, really want. Ever since I spent a night at the Banff Ptarmigan Inn about 10 years ago, I have been wanting a duvet like the one that was on my bed in that hotel room. I saw one online that seemed to be the best this particular store offered, so I went to Sears today to find one similar and actually see/feel it. I was shown all the different duvets and explained the difference between “2 star, 3 star, 5 star” etc., and ended up with one in my arms set to purchase. While in line, it dawned on me… “this is NOT thick enough. It may be worth lots of money, and it may be the best here, but it is NOT like the one at Ptarmigan and you won’t be satisfied until you find one like that”. I have a duvet already, a cheap one, but not much thinner than what I was about to buy, to be honest. So I stopped myself. I may have to spend $1,000 to get the one I want from some specialty store, but the fact is, I won’t be satisfied with anything less, so no sense spending money on one that is second best. I already have that. So I emailed the hotel last night and asked them for their bedding details from 10 years ago. Heh. Also, Rob’s girlfriend works for a fancy hotel chain that most likely has those big beds with fancy duvets. Maybe she can find out for me. And get me a deal from their supplier! Woo hoo! Now we’re talkin’.

Then, it was evening, and for the first NYE in a couple years, I actually went out somewhere public. Wearing earrings! That itched my ears like crazy and needed to be taken off by 9:00!

Anyway.

Michelle picked me up around 6:30, and we headed to the Pub. I know, very glamorous. But hey, Heather Blush and Triple S were playing and we love them, the owners gave me a free ticket, I would know a few other people there, and none of the nice clothes I own fit me at the moment (hello? The Gods of 6 weeks without wheat/dairy/sugar? Could you possibly cut me some slack, or at least a size in my slacks, for that effort?) Haha slacks. I haven’t called pants slacks in forever.

Anyway.

We went to the Pub early so we could get a good table and order some food. I mean, NYE, you’ve got to eat out, right? The night started out rather quiet, when the band played their first set there weren’t a lot of people there. But that changed, the closer we got to midnight! It was a lot of fun; I won a couple door prizes (a plastic shotglass you wear around your neck, some glow sticks), chatted it up with the hot guitarist (he’s SO cute!) for a long time, drank cheap champagne at midnight, and got lots of new year’s hugs. We left around 1:30 a.m., way way way past my bedtime these days!

On the way home, we were stuck in traffic because of a check stop. They pulled Michelle (and almost everyone) over, and the cop was such an asshole. He literally yelled at her like she was some sort of idiot drunk. So, you know, shame on him when her breath came up ZERO. She only had one drink with dinner many hours before! I hate dickhead cops who pull that Power shit on you and act like they own your ass. Was someone a loser in high school and trying to show ‘em who’s boss now? Huh?

Anyway, we finally made it back safe and sound and I was in bed by about 2:00. Today is all about being lazy, drinking coffee, cuddling kitties, and eventually getting some work finished. Here’s to moving forward in health and happiness for 2007! Happy New Year!

“Why can’t we keep the presents?”

“Why can’t we keep the tree out?”

“Why can’t we keep the bin of wrapping stuff out?”

“Okay, well, we’re totally keeping this necklace.”

Today I went to the mall (NO WAY!) to get my latte and say “goodbye” to Jess, who was supposed to be working her last day there. She was all by herself during what would normally be a three person shift. I commented about that, and she said “everyone but two part-timers quit. I’m working tomorrow now too, all day, but after that I’m leaving town so I can’t save him anymore!” Oh, great. Just when I was getting used to the new faces and they were getting to know what I drink. I have to train new people again! Anyway, Jess gave me my latte for free today, and I will go by again tomorrow and really say goodbye.

Later on AH came by (we still talk alllll the time) and I gave him a Christmas present, even though he doesn’t celebrate Christmas. He just benefits from all his friends that do. He said, “I want to get you something, but I don’t know what. Give me a hint, I’m terrible at buying for women”. My hint was “Pirates of the Caribbean“. Oh yeah, he drove me to work yesterday morning and his Access driver buddy was on the phone and wanted to talk to me. He asked me if I got him a Christmas present too, and I said, “are you kidding? You still owe me hommus! What’s it been, like, two years?!?” (he did promise me his homemade hommus a long time ago). He laughed and laughed, and promised that I would still get it and it would be worth the wait. We’ll see… but that has been a running joke for far too long, I really just want the damn hommus.

AH also picked me up from a client’s last week. I think it’s so funny that he gets sent to me so often. I rarely see repeat drivers because I have no regular trips. I’m really happy we have been able to stay friends after all the ups and downs. I still think he’s hot, always will because he IS, but I don’t have “those” kinds of feelings for him anymore, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever get to this point. So I’m glad I am.

And, I got him to help me re-arrange my coffee table and rug while he was here, because I can’t lift it and the rug was bunched up under it and it was driving me nuts. It’s good to have a strong man that can swing by once in a blue moon and do something like that, especially when your brother goes and gets himself a full-time job (selfish!) and can’t come over all the time anymore.

Meme, stolen from Robyn.

In 2007…

1. Will you be looking for a new job? Maybe a new client; if my energy improves I can take on more work.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship? Not actively looking, but I would not be opposed to it happening.
3. New house? No
4. What will you do different in 07? I’ll be eating differently and taking better care or myself!
5. New Years resolution? I don’t want to make any this year.
6. What will you not be doing in 07? Oh, triathlons, having a baby, cartwheels, drinking milk.
7. Any trips planned? I’d like to go to Toronto in October, and back to Montreal too, but nothing is planned yet.
8. Wedding plans? Not my own!
9. Major thing on your calendar? I don’t even have a 2007 calendar yet!
10. What can’t you wait for? Spring.
11. What would you like to see happen different? That I turn to exercise instead of food for whatever reason. Wouldn’t THAT be cool!
12. What about yourself will you be changing? The foods I eat, and hopefully I will rely less on a couple of the meds I take.
13. What happened in 06 that you didn’t think would ever happen? (a) Me, Rob, Lindy, Emma and Lo, together in Montreal. (b) I got two kittens. (c) I actually figured out how to get in to my apartment building and handle all the doors without getting off my scooter. This is a recent development, and takes a lot of fancy leg/footwork with my left side, but I can do it!
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about? I think I do just fine in that department. At least, I hope I do!
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06? Not really, but smaller sizes would be nice.
16. Will you start or quit drinking? No.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family? Probably not, it is what it is. Although, my brother and I spent a lot more time together in ’06, so maybe ’07 will build on that.
18. Will you do charity work? Yes, in February I’m a cashier at the Direct-MS charity casino again, and who knows what else I’ll end up doing.
19. Will you go to bars? No, I’m a Pub girl, and even those I don’t go to often.
20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know? No different than I am now. I’m nice! Unless you are blocking the aisle with your grocery cart when you’re not even near it, or standing in the middle of the aisle talking on your cell phone, not aware you are in my and everyone else’s way. Or your name is Donald Trump.
21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you? YES. 7 is my favourite number so I am counting on it.
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now? I don’t think I have much, although I’m learning not to sweat the small stuff as much and I have a few amazing friends I didn’t even know this time last year, and they are helping to make a difference in how I feel about myself.
23. Do you plan on having a child? No.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now? I don’t see why not, and hopefully I’ll even be closer to some.
25. Major lifestyle changes? Probably not, but never say never! The next lottery ticket could be IT.
26. Will you be moving? NO! I better not be. Unless I win the lottery and buy something.
27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 07 that happened in 06? Breaking my wrist, long hospitalizations, MS getting worse…
28. What are your New Years Eve plans? I might go to the Pub with Michelle to see Heather Blush
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight? No… well, maybe friends at the Pub on the cheek! But if I’m at home, it will have to be Pita & Pepper.
30. One wish for 07? Good health!

2007 is going to be the best year ever because it ends in a 7. When I was younger, I used to think I would get married on 7/7/97, but when that didn’t happen, I decided it would have to be 7/7/07, and “no problem… I have 10 YEARS to find him!” Hm. Well.

Christmas means… Shopping Carts in the Living Room!

Yesterday we had a little workshop here on Stress and how to cope. I figured I’m an expert in that area (probably better at being stressed though!) so I joined in.

Lorraine (Rec. Therapist) went through a list of the Top 10 stressors in people’s lives. Many of them were marriage related… divorce, marital separation, going into marriage counselling, marital troubles, and marriage itself. I said “well, I guess if I never get married I can live a nice stress-free life!” and I was SHOT DOWN! (Kindly). A discussion began that really warmed my heart. All these old ladies started talking about their marriages.

“I married my husband at age 21, and 61 years later I’m as in love with him today as I was back then.”

“I married my husband at 21 and we were married for 53 years before he died”. (She got a little teary). “That was much too soon for me”.

“People ask me if we had a happy marriage. I don’t think that’s the right question… no one can be happy all the time. We had a good marriage. We loved each other and were committed to each other and the marriage. That made it good.”

“My daughter married her husband when she was almost 17, and everyone thought she was crazy. Well, it’s been 31 years and they are doing great”.

Today Blanche told me about how much she loved being married. “There is nothing better than finding that person who accepts you just the way you are; who knows what you’re going to say before you even say it… oh, it’s great!”

It seems around here, no matter what the outcome later in life that may keep them apart (death, disease, different care needs in different types of homes) there are no regrets and no one would do it any differently.

One nurse met her husband through a dating service and has been happily married for 7 years. Another married her husband at age 19 after only knowing him 4 months (so of course everyone thought she was crazy too), but it’s been well over 25 years and she’d marry him all over again in an instant. I know Clive is happy, considering how badly he wants to get back to his wife. I see many husbands and wives visiting their spouses here and how loving many can be towards each other.

And then there is Elaine, who at 90 has never married. She was engaged three times… the first one she broke off because they couldn’t agree about anything, so she figured they’d be divorced within a year anyway. The second one went off to war and died. The third one died of cancer before they could finalize their wedding plans. So for her, she decided it wasn’t meant to be and took care of her mother instead.

I don’t know what the future holds for me in that regard, but the idea of meeting that special someone that accepts me the way I am and that I could actually live with is rather appealing. I think I’ll stop the “ah, I don’t think I want to get married anyway” comments and cut the bull shit!! Where the hell IS HE?!? hehe

I see it’s been awhile since I have written an actual entry. And I can see by my stats that I’ve had almost as many hits at this point in May than any other month in total this year, so I am thinking kitty pics are popular. What to do… post pictures, or write? I will try to do both for the time being. My mother, who gets to see these kids in person more than anyone else, is even bugging me to put more pictures up here. She’s obsessed, I tell ya!

Not quite as much as me, though. This is the biggest commitment I have ever made in my life! I was reading a great, fun book recently about a 45 year old woman who is still single and on her own, and it goes back through her dating life, all the different men she dated and some of the worst dates in history, and some of the best that turned into bad relationships. Anyway, by the end of the book she gets herself a dog, and realizes that it’s a lot more work than she realized, but work she loved to do. This was her first major committed relationship. She realized although no one had ever committed to her, she had never committed to anyone either, so this was a big step! I sort of feel that way. My kittens rely on me to take care of them, and I get unconditional love, a lot of laughs, cuddles, smooshes and the licking of my closed eyelids in return. And it’s going to be this way for many, many years! My first live-in relationship that I can’t up and leave when they don’t do their share of the grocery shopping or housework and eat all my peanut butter.

So I’ve been working on a fun project. Emma and I have been asked to handle promotions for Rob Szabo, me in the West and Emma in the East. Rob is going to be in Grande Prairie next week so I got him an interview with their paper, and the Calgary Herald is going to do something on him before he plays here June 3rd. I’m really, really hoping I can get FFWD to do an article too, but so far they are not responding. I should be receiving some CDs from Rob either today or Monday and I am going to march right in there and hand it over personally and beg. Or something equally professional. Rob is so amazing, I can’t imagine him being overlooked. He has an ecard at his website where you can listen to a lot of the album and watch the videos – Rob Szabo’s Awesome Ecard. If anyone reading this has friends in high places in the Canadian media, be a sport and help a cool, talented musician out!!

On Tuesday I worked at the Pub. It was a hot day, so when I got home I immediately peeled off my clothes and put on a white cotton nightie to “free” myself and cool off (don’t you ladies feel “free” when you remove your bra? I sure do. But then, my bras aren’t exactly dainty, with the thick straps and underwire supporting these bodacious ta-ta’s). I turned the fan on and settled in to read and watch TV and play with kittens. Shortly after 9:00 p.m. I received a surprise phone call from Kim, who had just arrived in town to attend a conference the next day and was wondering if I wanted to go for a coffee. “Are you in your pajamas already?” Hahaha I’ve been in them since 4:30. Anyway, I can throw clothes on for this. Kim and her friend/co-worker Pam dropped by first to meet the kittens, and then we found ourselves on a little patio outside a coffee shop in Kensington drinking lattes at 11:00. And they weren’t decaf.

Yesterday wasn’t quite as hot as the days before, so luckily a white cotton nightie was not my wardrobe of choice all day and I actually put on real clothes eventually. (I have a few really comfy cotton nightgowns… a couple long ones from Victoria’s Secret, like this one, AND I LOOK JUST LIKE THAT IN IT TOO, so you can bet I wear them around the house whenever I see fit!) I say “luckily” I was dressed, because I had another surprise visitor. AH called to see if I was home, and he pulled up to my patio doors while we were talking. He had taped a bunch of movies for me weeks ago and finally remembered to put them in the car. He handed me 4 tapes – he doesn’t really remember what they are, he just taped movies he figured I would like, and if I’ve already seen them then no biggie. They’re not labeled of course, so it will be a surprise. I’m looking forward to that!

A few minutes after he left, I received another phone call, this time from my friend Jay, whom I haven’t seen in ages. Usually him and his wife Katrina and I get together once/week for wing night, but lately we’ve all been busy with other stuff and haven’t met up. So last night they grabbed me and we went to a nearby pub and had a few drinks and food and caught up. It was nice.

Today I need to get some stuff done around here and then mom and Bob are picking me up to go to the chiropractor and then dinner. There will be a brief stop at the Lebanese deli for hummus and a possible returning of the expensive cat litter box that is more work than it’s supposed to be and not worth it (the scooping/sifting boxes are better and less work, IMHO) and then maybe I’ll throw in a “surprise” movie and see how well AH thinks he knows me!

It starts off innocently enough…

Sigh… my babies.

We all know how important it is to love yourself. I know I posted a great entry about that last year. Have I done anything about it? Not really. I went to those Psych-K sessions back in January, but like everything else I start up, I never continued with doing the exercises at home so the positive effects didn’t last. I need to get back into it. I need to get back to meditating and visualizing. I need to get back into affirmations. I should, I know, I should, I know, I should, I KNOW!!! ARGH!! There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not hard on myself or criticizing myself or shoulding all over myself. It really has to stop, but I don’t know how to make it stop.

On Sunday I had a client over. She is a funky fashion designer, a former TV journalist, a total sweetheart, works in public relations for a famous athletic team, and is drop dead gorgeous to boot. She is as fit and healthy as can be, visits the gym daily, and is probably a size 0 or 2. She is 47 and looks 32 and has a radiant smile that would light up any room. While filling out her tax info, I asked if she was divorced or single (because I know she’s not married now, but at 47 she certainly could have been). She said “single”. As we were chatting later, I asked her if she had a boyfriend or anything, and commented that a knock out like her must have men banging down the door. She disagreed. We talked a bit about our single-ness situations and the patterns we seem to have with men, and it turns out we are very alike that way. That was a shock to me. I realized being thin and gorgeous doesn’t necessarily make it easier to love yourself and believe you are worthy of love. We talked about how you attract to yourself what you believe you deserve, and if your self talk is negative, so will be the men you attract. I can’t believe I have THIS in common with a woman I would have figured could get any man she wanted!

It really comes from within. All too often we look outside of ourselves for that validation. If he wants me, then I am okay. If he tells me I am beautiful, then I am. If he wants to have sex with me, then I am desirable. So what happens when “he” isn’t there? He can’t fix what is broken inside of us. He is just a band-aid. Those women we call whores and sluts, that sleep around with different men all the time, are no different than I am. We have the same pain, we just look for the band-aids in different places, whether it be men, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping… Somewhere along the way we started to believe we weren’t worthy. How do we un-do it? How do we heal our own insides, so that what “he” thinks doesn’t matter, because we will know it ourselves? Then we will attract someone that is worthy of all we have to offer, because we will truly believe we have ALL THAT to offer.

So that’s what is on my mind today.