Can You Hear Me Now?

(ETA: The You Tube videos didn’t embed while I was working on the entry, but they did when I published. Go figure).

This will be my last update before I go to Costa Rica for my treatment! It’s angioplasty, by the way. We are no longer calling it liberation treatment (as much as I love that name) or CCSVI treatment because that just continues to allow the government and the medical community to call it “experimental” and “new”. It’s NOT new, it’s angioplasty of the veins. The same procedure is done every day for cancer patients and kidney dialysis patients and others. It’s only when you have MS that you are denied the treatment. And part of the problem is the new name it has been given for when it comes to MS. But it’s not a new procedure, so we need to stop calling it that.

I’m traveling to Central America and spending $20,000 to get angioplasty, a treatment available to anyone else for any other reason, in their own country. How fucking ridiculous is that?!

So, I moved last weekend. What a chore! My friends and family are amazing. They worked their arses off. We had Jackie, her husband Robin, their two kids, Jason (and he brought two teenagers to do some heavy lifting, Seb and Nick), Sheldon, Damien, Shawna, and later on Kim and Rob joined us at this end for picture hanging, fix-ups, last minute bring overs, etc. My mom supervised the furniture arrangements at this end. Shawna was in charge of the cats, which worked out well. First we locked them in my office at my old place until my bedroom was set up over here. Then they were brought over and locked in my bedroom until all the furniture was moved in. Then the door was opened and Pepper, traumatized, stayed in my closet, while Pita came out and snooped around and hissed at everyone. Business as usual.

I can’t believe they got pretty much everything done! I mean, pictures hung?! And thank God Kim was here for that, as she is an interior designer and has a great eye. My walls have never looked better.

It took Pita a couple days to calm down and get used to this place, but she seems fine now. Pepper hid in my closet for a few days, only making an appearance on my bed at night, then she slowly started hanging out in the main rooms. But only when it’s me, with or without my home care only. She hasn’t come out when other people are around. I feel bad because I’m going away, and she’s going to hide in my closet forever! She’s so sweet, I wish she wasn’t so skittish. I don’t know where that comes from. Pita’s personality I understand. She’s psycho, and it totalhy makes sense. But Pepper? I don’t know.

On moving day Jason was showing me how to film myself on my Macbook (for pre and post procedure videos) and it turned into an impromptu interview:

I can’t get videos to embed on here for some reason so here is the link: Pre-CCSVI “Interview”

I’d love to say I’m much happier here, in new and fresh surroundings. I do love the floors and counters and all that. But I HATE the fact that everything is backwards here. Everything is on the wrong side. Light switches. Doors. I can’t get to my fridge. My exercise table is turned around (it has to be) and it’s harder to get on and use my chi machine. Because the bathroom is bigger and set up differently, there is no counter beside the toilet to push myself up. A pole can’t go in there because it has a drop ceiling and the pole would go right through, so I had to get bars installed around the toilet. This is a pain because… well, I need room to position myself for wiping, and I no longer have that. My bedroom is smaller and it’s harder to get to my bed for some reason. I don’t know, it’s just all very upsetting right now. I’m hoping all this stuff won’t be an issue when I get back. I can’t use a walker and be able to get to my fridge. So… that has to change! I need to be able to get around my kitchen without a walker. Or get a new fridge. I know what I’d rather do!

I made a pre-procedure walking video:

And since I can’t embed, here is the link: Pre-Procedure Walking

Ah, Pepper has joined me for a bit. It’s nice to see her out here.

Then today I recorded myself in what was supposed to be me talking about my current symptoms and how my life works, but I ended up babbling mostly about my chi machine. There was a lot more I wanted to say about my mobility and needs, so maybe I will do another one. I just want my pre-procedure stuff on record. So there is this for now:

Aaaaaand since it won’t embed (all the coding is there, it just doesn’t show up for some reason) here is the link: Pre-Procedure Babbling

That was all written yesterday! Then my mom and Bob came over and we packed. I think I’m pretty much ready to go except for the last minute stuff. My dad picked me up the nicest hot pink suitcase with a matching carry on tote. I love it, and it sticks out! No man will try to steal it and it won’t get lost amongst all the black luggage.

Today I went to the bank to deposit more money and pick up some US cash. And test out my new credit card, I just activated the replacement and had to make sure it worked! I am now set for anything… lots of room on the credit card for the hotel, meals and related expenses charged to our room (like the driver for extra trips outside of what is covered) and cash in the bank for grocery shopping (we have a suite with a kitchen) and emergencies. And tipping. Now I just need to hear from Heather so I stop panicking. What if she died over the weekend?? WTF! She has to be fine and ready to come over Wednesday and leave with me at the ungodly hour of 4:00 am.

And spend the whole freakin’ day traveling and sitting in the Houston airport for 6 hours. Thursday is going to be the longest day of my life!

I have had many pre-Costa Rica visitors. Lisa, Russ and Lisa’s mom Maria even came over on Wednesday and brought supper (and a Costa Rica contribution!) Yummy chick pea curry, with leftovers for the following day.

Heather just called. All is well. I didn’t realize my voice mail is screwed up since I moved and I had no idea there were, like, 10 messages in there.

I fell. Went to the bathroom, and on my way out, I just toppled backwards and fell. No tripping, nothing to blame except my bad balance and the awkward position of the bathroom door. Sigh. So I fell backwards and landed on my ass on the bathroom floor (lucky I am cushioned there) and hit the back of my head. I managed to sit up long enough to grab my cell phone and call my dad. Then I called the rental office and told them what happened and asked if they could send Matthew over, as I knew it would take two. So they arrived around the same time and got me up. Now I’m sitting in my chair with a headache, but I have pee’d twice since then with no more falls so I think I’ll be okay. That was the LAST FALL OF MY LIFE, I promise. Looking forward to bed tonight!

Anyway, what was I saying… oh yeah, visitors. And phone calls. Lots of well wishers! I hope to see my other friend Lisa tomorrow.

My head hurts so I’m gonna go breathe with my eyes closed for awhile. See you on the other side, healthier and happier! YAYAYAYAY!

So, I’m going to be gone for awhile. Not sure where I will end up or when, but it’s time to leave this place. I’m unable to walk and I can’t use my wheelchair in here; I’m tired of struggling on my own to do every little thing and I’m totally isolated here. I’ve fallen into a pretty big depression because it’s all so overwhelming. Where will I go? Who will sort through all my crap and move my stuff out of here, and where will IT go? Do I file for bankruptcy to get rid of this credit card debt once and for all? And don’t even ask me about my cats. I can’t even think about that without crying for hours. Everyone who knows me knows what those cats mean to me and I HAVE to be able to take them with me. I would seriously rather die.

Today the first step is to check into the hospital (I’m going to the one closest to my place, for those who know me) but I’m not sure how long I will be there. My Home Care nurse said they would keep me there for observation/testing and to meet with Transition Services (who work with people moving into assisted living and care homes and stuff). It’s possible I could end up back at the care centre I lived at when I broke my wrist. A lot of people there were waiting to get into a nursing home or another place (some had been there a year waiting…) If had money I could just put my name on the place I want to move to, but since I don’t I have to go through Transition rules which are “you have to take the first available bed”.

If you believe in the power of prayer please pray for me that this all goes smoothly and, more than anything, that I get to keep my cats. Also pray that the reason I can’t walk is just a relapse that will go away, even though I don’t get relapses and this has been progressively happening for the past year until I hit this crisis point.

The fastest way to get the ball rolling for assisted living is to check yourself into a hospital because you can’t manage on your own anymore. It’s the only way they will listen and take you seriously. So, that’s what I’m doing. I’ll get back on here when I can… Facebook is the easiest place to keep in contact with my friends so I hope I can access it again soon to update all y’all.

Oh I know, it’s been forever n’ ever. Typing is a pain and I’d rather plunk out a few letters on a Facebook comment or Twitter from my iPod Touch! But I did buy this laptop as not only a place to surf the web and talk on Skype, but to WRITE MORE so I best get on that, even if I am still slow as molasses on this here Frogpad. It’s sooooo easy to make mistakes on that thing I’m constantly backspacing (which I’ll also make mistakes doing and end up typing numbers or something instead) so it takes me forever to do anything. Although I guess I won’t get better on it if I don’t practice more often, right? So enough with the excuses and on with the entry.

Summer is over. And I didn’t blog about it at all! And I’m just not going to because the thought of going over every detail of my life for the past few months is one of the reasons I haven’t updated. So overwhelming! So I guess I’ll be missing a few months of my life from here. No biggie, since I’m pretty sure I didn’t do much. Popped in to a couple music festivals, saw some friends, got my power wheelchair, enjoyed some Indian food, got excited that they opened up a Tim Hortons in my mall (and had my fill of iced coffees), complained about my stupid hair and the fact that I am trapped in my apartment most of the time and getting tired of it. Yes, I do realize I have both a scooter and a power wheelchair and should be able to go out whenever I feel like it. Unfortunately it’s not working that way, as I need so much help now I can’t even explain it. I feel like I have lost all my independence and I get really sad when I think about it, so let’s move on, shall we? Or I won’t be able to see through the tears to type.

Speaking of crying, did y’all watch Jim and Pam’s wedding episode of The Office last week? Gaaaaah I bawled. Sorry if that’s a spoiler for those of you in other countries who are behind by a couple of years. Yes, Jim and Pam do get married. And it is awesome.

I did attend a pretty amazing lecture last week by a woman (a doctor, actually) with secondary progressive MS (like me) who was in a wheelchair most of the time (like me) and managed to reverse it and get back on her bike again (unlike me!) She did it by using an MNES machine (on high power for MANY hours/day) and a strict diet/supplements routine. Her name is Dr. Terry Wahls. Her website is HERE, you can find her lectures on You Tube I believe, and the one I attended last week will be up on the Direct-MS website within the next few weeks, from what I hear.

Yes, this gives me hope, but I also know it’s not as simple as just eating 6 cups of kale a day and hooking myself up to an NMES machine. Dr. Wahls is a medical doctor, and had access to a physiotheraist down the hall who could help her learn how to use the machine. You can’t just buy one and start using it, it’s a little more intense than a TENS machine. So right now my focus is to find a physiotherapist willing to help me before I invest in the machine. I have an appointment with one on the 19th. Unfortunately, those machines have not been approved for MS, (although I don’t know WHY, hello?

“NMES can be used for a variety of reasons including increasing blood circulations to the muscle, relaxing muscle spasms, prevention of muscle atrophy in patients unable to use parts of their body, prevention of venous thrombosis after surgery, and increasing range of motion.”

Does that not sound like me, HELLO?) because MS is not a muscle disease and NMES does not fix the nerve signal from the brain to reach the muscle and tell it to move. But, but but BUT, I truly believe that if my muscles get stronger I will be able to move them more, and REPAIR that signal through the process of movement. Unfortunately for me and others who believe this, the doctors in the MS system don’t believe we can get better and “the system isn’t set up for you to improve” (direct quote from the physiatrist I saw on Tuesday). it’s set up to rehabilitate someone with a deficiency they believe can be fixed (i.e. if you are in a car accident and unable to walk without intensive rehab, stuff like that), but those of us with progressive MS are left on our own if we want to IMPROVE. We get Range of Motion stretching (like I get from Home Care 4 times/week) for the purpose of maintaining, but nothing to strengthen. This is the same physiotrist who referred me for physio because he believed a lot of my disability the past few years was due to being laid up after breaking my wrist, bad surgery experiences, depression, weight gain, etc. and not just MS, so there was hope I could IMPROVE, and now he’s saying I’m on my own again. I complained to him that all that physio I was supposed to get turned into once/week or every two weeks, and I need to be using that Nu-Step machine several times/week if I want to get stronger. That’s when he told me the system isn’t set up for that. So… I’m on my own again. Sigh.

So, I have that appointment on the 19th and the hope is that I will start their exercise program twice/week, the catch being they will need to get a walker for me to use at the facility as I won’t be able to bring mine, and I’ll need to book a Home Care worker to meet me there as a companion/helper/limb lifter. Also, fingers crossed the P/T will be willing to assist me in my NMES desires. There is also an exercise class for people with disabilities at the University that I will look into. It’s costly and I don’t know if it’s suitable, but hopefully they’ll let me check it out as an observer before I pay any money. And I STILL haven’t been to a pool and fear I won’t until I can hire my own one-on-one caregiver, whenever the hell THAT will happen.

I did not intend for this entry to turn into a long rant about… whatever this is about. Now I’m too tired to write about anything else! Oh - for those wondering - I am still taking StemEnhance. For about five minutes I thought it was doing something when my right eye stopped moving around in all sorts of weird directions and I got all excited, but no improvements since then. I do think it helped my eye, though, and I am not giving up all hope that I may see something else improve in the future. I always try to stay hopeful, but MAN life would be easier if I weighed 110 pounds and had lots of $$. I’ve been back on Weight Watchers for 3 months and have only lost 13 pounds (and don’t try to tell me 13 pounds is a lot, at my size I should have lost that the first 2-3 weeks). You know WHY? Because I’m not eating ENOUGH. It’s so hard for me to get myself food that I don’t do it often enough. Crikey. I’ve got to make some serious calls for help next week. Just reading this over I can see how pathetic it all is!

So, I got me a MacBook. It is just lovely. BUT it is going to take awhile to get used to. The keys are really big and far apart, which for a one-handed typist like me is very difficult. I got pretty damn fast at my left-handed typing on my desktop; now my speed has slowed by about 350%. And this no-mouse thing? ARGH!! I know I can get a mouse, but there really isn’t anywhere to use it. This is truly a LAPtop. I’ll get used to it, and get better, but right now, I’m not so interested in writing.

So my girl Jillian went home on the Bachelor last night. That’s pretty much what I figured, and when they were making out all hot n’ heavy in the hot tub, I was thinking “his fiance (Melissa, probably) is watching this right now and is LIVID.” Hehe I think Jill is on Ellen tomorrow. Maybe she will be the next Bachelorette! I’m looking forward to the finale because apparently “what happened here was so emotional, we kept it as intimate as possible…” or whatever it is Chris said last night. This is what I think happened, and if I’m right, then I am officially psychic. I think the intimacy was needed because Jason flew in Melissa’s parents and because they don’t like the public aspect of the show, (which is why Jason never met them on the home visits) they kept it very intimate and Jason proposed with her parents there. That is my story and I’m sticking to it. Until 2 weeks from now if I’m wrong.

I just had a horrible experience tonight. I won’t go into it because it’s gross. I’ll just say this only happens to you if you’re a baby or a very old person living in a home, or you have a disease like MS. My home care worker is going to love me tomorrow.

I have to practice some copy/paste stuff. So I’m going to copy my “25 Things” note from Facebook that everyone is doing,

1. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1996 at the age of 28. It has been… erm… challenging, to say the least.

2. I went to New Zealand in 2001 and it is my most favourite place on earth (I have no other exotic or European places to compare it to, so…) It is my biggest dream to own a home like this one in Russell, Bay of Islands one day and be able to go to Rotorua regularly for mud baths.

3. I can’t remember the last time I was able to sleep for more than 2 hours in a row. I also don’t remember a time before I used sleeping pills to get that 2 hours. (And yes, I have tried or am trying whatever it is you are about to suggest, thanks anyway…) I’m finally going to see a sleep specialist but it’s going to take about a year to get in…

4. I had a rough time in high school, I hated it. I quit Scarlett half way through grade 11, then went to Wise Wood for a month or so before I quit, then went back to finish Grade 11, then I started Grade 12 and quit and moved to Toronto on my own for a few years. So I apologize if I don’t remember you from high school, I mostly remember the people I also went to elementary/junior high with.

5. One of the jobs I loved the most in my life was working on the production of a TV special for YTV in 1988 or 89 (about missing children). Alan Thicke was the host and I had to keep going to get him from his dressing room where he was watching his beloved LA Kings in the playoffs. I told him, “yeah, the Kings may win this round, but then they’ll be up against the Flames, and the Flames will beat them 4 games in a row, and then go on to win the cup…” and that is EXACTLY what happened.

6. I was once the “Answer” to a Q&A in TV Guide magazine. (I can’t remember the question, but I believe the answer was something like “we spoke with the Viewer Relations Coordinator at YTV and she told us…”).

7. The Polyjesters are the best band in the world, in my humble opinion.

8. I have so many friends who are amazing musicians and go out of their way to make sure I get their latest CDs and get to their shows. I’m really blessed that way!

9. I recently had to get rid of one of my home care workers because my cat HATED her. I’d never seen anything like it.

10. I have two cats, Pita and Pepper, and I loooooove them so much it hurts. They will be 3 years old in March.

11. I own every self-help, self-hypnosis, meditation, Louise Hay/Wayne Dyer/Law of Attraction book, CD and DVD around yet I still worry all the time and believe negative thoughts. I don’t know how to STOP and my friggin’ health can’t exactly improve if I don’t.

12. I smoked cigarettes, at least a pack a day, for 10 years and quit cold turkey on January 1, 1996. I haven’t had a single drag since then and I won’t, or I will start again for sure.

13. My favourite “Six degrees of separation”: When I lived in Toronto, I had a buddy named Nick McKinney. Nick’s brother is Mark McKinney from “The Kids in the Hall”. David Foley is a member of The Kids in the Hall. Dave once judged an episode of the improv comedy show “Thank God You’re Here!”. Angela Kinsey appeared on “Thank God You’re Here!” And Angela Kinsey is on THE OFFICE.

14. The Office is my favourite TV show.

15. I have loved Jim Carrey since I was 14 years old and he was about 19 or 20, through the good and the bad and even the very, very bad. I’ve never met him but somewhere around here I have a “Spank you very much” autographed photo.

16. I own stacks of books and CDs I’ve never even read or listened to and I will keep adding to it.

17. it doesn’t matter how many people are around, I am the one everyone asks for the time and “is this the train to…?”

18. I delete 99% of the email forwards sent to me without even looking at them. I used to look at them all in the early days of having an email address, 10+ years ago, but I still get a lot of the same ones. I can’t keep up and life is too short. So if I’m on your list and you don’t “get this back”, it does NOT mean you are no longer my friend or that I don’t care. I just… seriously… too many.

19. My biggest pet peeve is the sound of someone chewing. It grosses me out beyond belief. I have to mute TV commercials where people are chewing (Cheerios comes to mind) and GOOD LORD MAKE THE PEDIGREE DOG FOOD COMMERCIALS STOP. (I cant even find the ones I mean on You Tube so if you’re outside Alberta you may not know what I’m talking about). If I’m eating with you, it’s okay, because I hear my own chewing in my ears. But if you are chewing in front of me, I’m squirming inside and secretly want to stick a knife in your ear. LOVE YOU THOUGH!

20. I’m trying to figure out a way to make money that somehow involves my natural talents but doesn’t involve leaving my home or any physical activity that I can’t do. I once had a very small time business writing personalized poetry (by that I mean, I had a website and sold a few). I can’t sit here for long periods of time and my vision is wonky so accounting is getting harder. I just don’t know… AISH can’t support me and I’d really like to live outside the limits of the government’s fixed income.

21. These days, my days revolve around Home Care, self care, medical appointments, and just trying to make it through another day without needing an ambulance. I appreciate my friends and family getting me out and about more than I can say.

22. When my speech starts to slur I get freaked out because one of my natural talents is talking, and there is always the hope that one day my health will improve and I will be a public speaker who inspires others with her story. Or I’ll make a living talking, one way or another. If I lose the ability to speak I’m screwed.

23. I think I have about the best sense of humour around. I’m not saying I’m funny (although I think I can be), but I know what IS funny, that’s for damn sure. (Leave Jim Carrey out of this, okay?)

24. I think my worst habit is gossiping, or talking about other people. I mean no harm, I just “discuss”, but I wish I didn’t. I don’t, however, tell SECRETS and am very careful when you have said “don’t tell anyone, but…” I like to think I can be trusted. I’ve just got a LOT of opinions and am trying to get better at “live and let live, it’s their life” in my old age.

25. I wear Crocs. Deal with it.

You guys already know a lot of that stuff. Anyway, some of my comments touched on the idea that I should be a writer. In fact, two girls I went to Junior High school with thought I would be well on my way with that by now. I’ve always thought about it, so to be honest, that is what prompted me to get this laptop and get to work on a book or two. I have a couple ideas…

I don’t have any cat pics to upload on here yet. But I DID have a bit of fun earlier with Photo Booth. I was having a bad hair day anyway.

I meant to update again before Christmas, but, alas, I did not. Surprised?

A lot has happened since then. For starters, my dear, sweet Grandma passed away on the 21st. I cried for a short time when I found out, just at the overall thought that she is no longer here. But in all honesty, this is much better for her. I really can’t believe she hung around as long as she did, lying in that nursing home wasting away to nothing. She would have been 96 next month. Where she is now is a much better place, and I’m sure she’s busy catching up with Grandpa and her siblings and my cousin David (who died much too young in a tragic car accident). Once she’s caught up with everyone, I fully expect her to start checking in on us down here. I could use a guardian angel! And since her last words to me were “you need a husband”, perhaps she’ll get to work on that for me.

My stir-craziness continued as we kept getting more snow and freezing temperatures. I wasn’t able to leave the house until I went to my mom’s on Christmas eve! Mom and Bob picked me up around noonish. I insisted we stop for coffee on the way, and this particular gas station (Fas Gas has really good coffee, did you know that?) was giving away free coffee! How nice. At mom’s, we ate yummy meatballs and rice for dinner and nibbled on Christmas baking and goodies while watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I’m usually the one who wants to keep with our tradition of opening one present on Christmas Eve, but this year I didn’t care. We weren’t going to open anything until my brother and Dad arrived the following afternoon, so you’d think I would have wanted to open something, but I guess I’ve outgrown the excitement of Christmas presents. The fact is, my family does so much for me all year, and is always “picking up” this or that for me, I don’t expect anything else… I actually feel guilty getting more presents.

Christmas morning mom and Bob made bacon, eggs, toast and coffee, which is pretty much the perfect breakfast. I’m still avoiding wheat and dairy generally, but I didn’t worry about it on Christmas. Especially when my dad showed up with a variety of cheeses from Springbank Cheese Co. - smoked applewood cheddar, blue cheese and brie. YUM! Add to that my mom’s cheese ball and all the goodies, and that took care of lunch. I did eat wheat free rice crackers, however. So it’s not like I went too off.

Now that my dad and brother were there, (yes, my mom, stepdad, dad, brother and me were all under the same roof for Christmas), and we were full up from lunch and snacking, we headed into the living room to open presents.

I was spoiled, as usual. My dad bought me an iPod Touch, which is pretty freakin’ awesome! Or it will be, once I figure it all out. My mom and Bob got me a whole bunch of things I needed, such as a one-cup coffee brewer (it brews right into your mug), a set of silverware, containers to keep cereal in (which was the ONE thing I begged for), books, a pink fuzzy terrycloth lounge dress thingy… I’m not sure what I’m missing. Plus, my cats even scored, with some Chia cat grass and a Catit Activity Centre, which they attacked with vigor when it was first set up, but lost interest quickly… I guess they want the catnip replenished daily.

We ate around 5:30 or 6:00, featuring all my faves: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, honey glazed carrots, and some other stuff that doesn’t really interest me like stuffing and cranberry sauce. I could live off white turkey meat, mashed potatoes, gravy and honey glazed carrots, I’m quite sure.

On Boxing Day I received another present from my dad, when he showed up with an iHome. It’s perfect, now I can keep my iPod beside me in the living room and charge it up while I play music! After a few days with that thing, it’s safe to say I’m rather addicted to it. I can check my Facebook and emails from it and I’ve downloaded several free applications of games and stuff. There are too many applications available to choose from! I’m only going for “free” at the moment. Tonight I’m going to try a sleep hypnosis application I downloaded earlier, see how that works. I must have a million self-hypnosis sleep CDs and stuff to help me sleep, but nothing works. These days I’m trying to lay off taking any medication to help me sleep, but I tend to wake up every hour regardless because I either have to pee or I’m in pain. Between both my hips and my right arm, I can’t get and stay comfortable. All would be solved if I could actually sleep on my back, but I CAN’T. I want a bed like the $25,000 hospital bed I slept in last month. That thing was amazing, the mattress automatically adjusted to my body’s position and I was never uncomfortable or in pain. I’ve never seen a hospital bed like that one before, it must be a new way they have found to spend our tax dollars.

Anyway, since I got home from my mom’s on Christmas night I’ve been stuck inside again. There is just too much snow and ice to venture out on my scooter. So the stir-craziness is setting in again! Yesterday was my brother’s birthday so him and my dad came over and we ordered in Chinese food. My mom and Bob are in Winnipeg as my Grandma’s funeral was also yesterday. (Wow, right as I typed that, a funny buzz sound came from my computer I’ve never heard before. …Grandma?) I bawled like a baby the other night, thinking about her. I thought I could move past it and feel blessed that she is in a better place and no longer suffering, but it’s not working that way. I’m bawling again now! Aw, Grandma… if you looked up “Grandmother” in the dictionary, you would see her picture. She was everything you’ve ever heard a grandma should and could be. I can’t believe I will never kiss those soft cheeks again.

I’ll edit this later to add photos! Right now I need to go finish this cry.

Okay, I am starting to feel a lot better! I personally think getting back into daily Chi Machine use is helping a lot. I also started on a new supplement, 5-HTP, which is extracted from Griffonia seeds and is a natural way to boost seratonin levels. It is recommended in Dr. Amen’s book for depression (which I received today, but have yet to read), and it also apparently helps suppress carb cravings and improve sleep, so if that is all true, I’m off to the races!! I’ve only been taking it for two days though, so I can’t give it credit yet. But I’ll keep you posted. I’d rather take this than Paxil again, any day! After how hard it was to get off that stuff, I want to stay away from it forever. So I hope 5-HTP helps. And sleep, oh, I hope it helps me sleep, too.

I think I’m pretty much finished my Christmas shopping. Amazon has been my friend this year. I also made a trip to the mall yesterday with my brother, and tomorrow I am going again with a couple friends from elementary school days. We reconnected on Facebook and have met for coffee a couple of times, and they offered to help me out if I ever need anything, so I took them up on it! We’re going to the mall and for lunch, then they will come over here and wrap presents for me! Remind me I need tape and wrapping stuff. I haven’t giftwrapped for ages, I’ve gift-bagged!

Speaking of Amazon, one of my orders never arrived, but the tracking number and Canada Post say it was delivered December 5th. I never got it. I personally think the postal carrier left it leaning against my door, as she has before, and it was stolen. Because I live in ‘da Hood and these things happen. I once had a large container of groceries stolen from outside my door (why he left them, I’ll never know, since I was home and a knock would have been nice, but I guess delivery people consider this a secure building with the locked front doors and that neighbours are neighbourly. HA! People will even take down your UPS notices and post office notices taped to your mailbox, just to be assholes). Anyway, I thought I was going to have to go through a big claims process with Canada Post and re-order everything again and hope for a future refund. Nope, when I called Amazon they said they would put the trace on it and in the meantime send me a new order with upgraded shipping at no cost to me, so I’ll have it early next week. How awesome is that? I heart Amazon.

Speaking of Christmas shopping, I’ve been so busy being sick and feeling like crap I never got around to a Pay It Forward project this year. I did buy some toys yesterday for the Toy Mountain and I urge all of you, dear readers, to do what you can to help others in need this Christmas!! Did you watch Secret Millionaire the other night? That would be so cool to be in the position to do that.

One of my home care workers is going through the worst time right now. With her own personal life, with her son’s affair and marriage break-up, and the loss of 3 home care clients in the past week - one to death and the other two to hospitalizations they are not expected to return home from (one is only 29 and brain dead…). Her own stress and negative energy is freaking the hell out of Pita, who hisses at her every time she walks in the door. She used to even follow Anna around and hiss and growl, now she just hisses once and then hides until Anna leaves. It’s weird. If it was me feeling that way (and it has been), Pita would not leave my side (as she never did when I was at my worst… she did NOT leave my side for even a second, and if I left a room she was in without her noticing, when she awoke she would cry and whine until she saw me again). Cats are so intuitive. Pepper, on the other hand, has never shown her face to Anna, I don’t think Anna even knows I have two cats. It took many months before Pepper hung out when Janice, my other home care worker, was here. Now both cats are always around. I hope Pita comes around with Anna soon. Anna is not a bad person at all and Pita used to love her like she loves everyone. This change just came on quite suddenly. Anna scared her one day when she dropped her big bag right where Pita was sleeping, and ever since then she behaves in ways I’ve never seen Pita, lover of all people, behave. Today I gave Anna treats to give Pita. Hopefully that will eventually work.

Anyway, it’s time for me to get settled in for The Office. Ciao!

You must, must, must see August Rush.

It’s been an emotional few days. First, my friends Lisa and Russ got engaged. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later, it was just a matter of making it official with the ring and stuff! So that was done on Thursday. Then, the worst thing that could ever happen, Lisa’s dad died suddenly on Friday. He had a heart attack while fishing alone out at his cabin. I like to think he made sure his daughter was going to be safe and happy in her life by getting engaged to a great guy, and then he went off to his favourite place to go fishing, and died peacefully and quickly doing what he loved, knowing his kids were going to be fine (Lisa’s brother is getting married in a few weeks). I just can’t believe it happened, so close to Father’s Day, and he was only 62. I LOVED Lisa’s dad. I talked about him in this entry a few years ago, the first time I spent Christmas Eve with Lisa’s family. I’m heartbroken, and can’t even begin to imagine what Lisa, her mom, and her family are going through. It looks like, after the first funeral I ever attended was for Lisa’s uncle, that my second will be her father’s. It’s so very sad.

Saturday morning is when I learned of Sam’s death, as it happened late the night before. The news came in an email from Lisa, which I read just as my Home Care worker walked in the door. So I burst into tears as she was asking me how I was, and me and crying are kinda ugly. I’m one of those criers who can’t talk or breathe when I’m crying. So it’s rather useless to try to get anything out of me. Poor Harpal, she had no idea what was going on. I managed to calm down while in the shower and was able to tell her what had happened when I got out, but that just made me start blubbering even harder all over again. You know how it is… anyway, I managed to pull myself together by the time my mom and Bob arrived to take me to the chiropractor, but there was no point in putting on make-up, lemme tell ya. I even remembered to bring my chiropractor the sonic mole repellers I got for him off eBay. He’s been wanting some for awhile and wasn’t able to find them/order any himself from anywhere. So in comes me, eBay expert extraordinaire! He was very pleased.

My mom stayed over on Saturday, and you would not recognize my office!! She re-organized everything. Well, I helped a little, but she totally outdid herself. My air conditioner (did I mention I got an A/C for my birthday? Wheee!) was being installed on Sunday, so I needed some help with my filing and getting stuff out of the way to make room for moving the filing cabinet to the other wall and re-arranging things a bit. My mom has a tendency to overdo it and would not stop until she was happy. Gee, I wonder where I get it from? Anyway, she worked her arse off until I made her sit down and watch a movie with me. August Rush. We cried and cried and cried, so the second it ended I sobbed “okay, now you have to watch PS I Love You!” (The whole cute Irish musician theme was going on with me… I WANT ONE). I really love Video on Demand, especially since I received my last bill and none of the movies I had rented in May were on it. So on Sunday, we watched Dan in Real Life, because I love Steve Carell and it was time for another dose of him. I cannot WAIT for Get Smart.

I had a dream about Steve Carell last night. I drempt that he was just like his character on The Office in real life, and I was the only one who truly understood him and loved him (SO not true, I would smack Michael Scott quite hard at times if I knew him, but in my dream he was the love of my life) and it broke my heart to watch him try so hard with other women who just didnt get him and dumped him harshly. I was his best friend who was always there to pick up the pieces, and he had no idea how I felt, and I just couldn’t tell him. I was so angry at these women who treated him like shit and didn’t realize what they had, and wished so hard he would just SEE ME. I do believe I have played that scenario out in real life on a couple occasions with male friends in my past. It never ended happily; no Vanessa Williams song here. Oh, and I was doing some sort of treasure hunt thing with all the cast of The Office on my team, Jim being the leader, Michael being at home crying over his last girlfriend, and me running over there whenever I had a break from the treasure hunt to tell him it would all be okay.

Aaaanyway, my A/C was hooked up on Sunday thanks to handyman Ian, a friend of my mom and Bob’s. He brought his puppy Rosie over, and while Pepper ran and hid in my bedroom, Pita stayed in the living room by the coffee table and just stared. Rosie ran around my apartment sniffing everything and chewing cat toys, and then she spotted Pita. She wanted to play, she meant no harm, she wandered over in Pita’s direction. Pita hissed and hissed at Rosie and eventually Rosie went away. But then she came back, and when she got too close, Pita hissed and SMACKED Rosie across the face, claws first. Rosie whimpered as only a puppy can, and ran away. Poor little Rosie. Mean little Pita. She does NOT like dogs, and I don’t know why, because she’s been an indoor cat since the day she was born, so it’s not like she’s ever had a bad run in with one. Two other dogs have been around her in the past, all perfectly sweet and harmless (and very small), but Pita would have none of it and Pepper always hid. I guess we know who’s boss around here.

Today, I got up and sat in my clean and organized office and turned on the A/C just because I could. Actually, it’s warming up this week, so it was good timing getting it installed yesterday. Not that it’s HOT out, but the sun beats in here pretty strongly and heats up my apartment… I tend to need a fan on me when it wouldn’t be necessary if my windows faced another direction. But today was a gorgeous day!! My friend Joelle picked me up and we went to My Favourite Vietnamese restaurant (next time we'’ll go to hers) and chowed down. Then we went to her place, stopping for a Slurpee on the way. I haven’t had a Slurpee in YEARS! We sat in her yard for hours and I talked so much my speech was slurring really badly. It actually started slurring in the restaurant, which is how I know I’ve talked too much. Also the fact that Joelle was way ahead of me in the eating department. So I told her she needed to do the talking at her place, to give my mouth a rest so I could talk normally again. That didn’t last long, though. I was talking really funny, but Joelle said she could understand me. Tonight, I will NOT be making any phone calls. That’s one of those MS symptoms that only pops up once in a blue moon, but when it does, I need to take a night off from talking. Oh, the horror!

Oh my God, I am so mean. I just changed a couple of photos that stupid people were hotlinking to from my blog, to this scary naked dude. One of the sites was using a photo I have here as the entire background to the Welcome page of their Chat room. And now everyone will be welcomed by Ugly Naked Guy. I CRACK MYSELF UP.

By the way, Ugly Naked Guy is a man that contacted me on Facebook once (and then I blocked him), and when I looked at his profile, there was only a photo album with 2 naked pictures of him. I laughed so hard I decided to save them to use just for this purpose. He is simply naked, standing over his underwear drawer, sorting tighty whiteys. And he is quite unattractive. If you want to see the picture, you’ll have to email me and ask for it, ’cause I’m not posting it here! Or you can hotlink one of my photos and wait for me to catch you and change it. Hehe. But please don’t.

My mom was here over the weekend. I barely recognize my apartment!! The clutter in the living room, dining room and kitchen is gone. The filing in my office is done. She did SO much to help me sort through crap I’ve been meaning to sort through for ages. But I put it off because it is easier with two hands and some of it involved standing for long periods of time. Last weekend my Stepdad put together my new CD stand, and finally, it is full. And the top of my hutch in the living room is not littered with stray CD and DVD cases and discs. YAY! It looks nice in here again, I actually want to live here.

Oh, update from last entry, my new friend is Sander, not Saunder. He requested me on Facebook so now I know for sure. He also has an 80mb audio file of the Polyjesters‘ show last Saturday which he’s letting me download as I type this. YAY I like new friends.

I am just crushed that Jeff Healey passed away. I only ever met him a couple times myself, briefly, but some good friends of mine have worked really closely with him over the years. So it was very sad news.

Back in December I ordered some tote bags off Make It Right. I finally received them today, exactly 3 months after I ordered them! At the time I ordered them, they didn’t have all the notices they have up now, about how the bags are hand made from the pink material used to showcase where the houses would be going (OMG maybe Brad Pitt touched them!!), and wouldn’t be available until after January 15, and that they’re not in mass production, etc. etc. I had no clue and actually ordered a couple for Christmas gifts!! Then they changed the site. So, Lisa, I have a pink bag for you. Happy belated birthday, even! And Kim, I know pink’s not your colour, but it’s for a good cause, and they don’t come in any other colour. Carry it proudly.

Today was our Provincial Election. I was out all day, as my appointments at the Clinic for Mind/Body Medicine take all day because of the way Access Calgary schedules things. So my day consisted of sitting in a car, sitting at my appointment, and sitting in a car. Long day. I was pretty beat by the time I got home (sitting in a car for well over an hour each way is draining! Especially when the driver is singing songs in Punjabi the entire time) but I still mustered up the energy to get my scooter out and go to the school a few blocks away and vote. My neighbour Richard was working at my polling station, handling all the voters from my apartment complex - about 750 people. He said I was only the 35th he’d seen ALL DAY. That means probably 700 people in my complex didn’t even bother voting! Ugh. Oh well, can’t blame them really, it seems this province will never change parties*, so why bother. PC stands for Political Corporation, not Progressive Conservative, as far as I’m concerned! Hee. Political Corporation. I just thought of that. Did I make it up? Political Corruption. Political Caca. Whatever. Can we get a Hillary over here?

*I’m writing this a couple hours before the election is over, so we don’t actually know yet, but based on the past 37 years it’s an educated guess.

Whoever wins, I hope they do something about AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped). I still don’t have my benefits for March, which were supposed to be deposited last Tuesday. When I called about it, I was told they couldn’t release my funds because I hadn’t “filed my annual report”. Well, I never received an annual report to file! “Oh, well, my clients are responsible for knowing their Diary Date and getting their reports in on time, I don’t call them if they are late”. Well, in the past 10 years, there was only one other time I didn’t receive the report, and I was called about it, sent another one, and filed it. Every other year, I just file it when I get it. I wasn’t even aware I had a “Diary Date”. And thanks for changing your rules without letting me know. So, she faxed me a report and I filled it out and mailed it (they won’t accept a fax back because they need your original signature). I was able to fax over attachments, however, such as my tax assessment and bank statements. So I did that. And this morning she wakes me up by calling with a million questions, and “fax me this, fax me that” because she doesn’t understand what self-employment means, and I’ve only been doing this for 10 FUCKING YEARS, BITCH! I am NOT ripping you off, but how in the hell do you expect someone to live off $1,050 AISH benefit when their rent is $1,000 and they’re not allowed to earn more than $400 a month before they are deducted benefits. So EXCUSE ME if I collect more than $400 a month, I have write-offs because I am self-employed, it is one of the great benefits of BEING self-employed on the AISH program. And I’ve been doing this for 10 FUCKING YEARS, so why don’t you just ask your boss and stop bugging me. Sigh.