Can You Hear Me Now?

I need to VENT, oh my God.

Remember in the past I mentioned I had a neighbour with MS named Richard, who moved out because he didn’t feel safe? No? Well, I did. And in his place moved in a lady I will call “Cindy”. Cindy is in a wheelchair, and I see her out my window almost every day wheeling herself to UnNamed Department Store where she works. I have learned through our brief encounters in the hallway or at the mall that she has cerebral palsy and a boyfriend named Nathan. Every time I see her on that wheelchair pushing herself to work I think “man, that woman has so much courage” and “she needs a power chair”. I mentioned that to her one day, and she told me she was applying for a power chair through Easter Seals. She just needed “one more name” to put down as a contact. This was my first hint that she doesn’t have a lot of support in her life, and of course I gave her my name and number to put down as a contact.

I asked her if she got any home care. She said no. I asked her if she had a proper walker (she can walk a tiny bit, and you can’t be 100% wheelchair bound in these apartments anyway because of the kitchens and bathrooms sizes, so I knew she must use a walker). She said she has a crappy one that breaks when she puts a lot of weight on it. She has no feeling in her legs and feet from the knees down, so it’s safe to say she needs to put weight on it. I told her about home care and to get registered with them, but didn’t take it any further than that at the time.

Yesterday I bumped into Nathan as he was leaving Cindy’s apartment with a bag of garbage. “Just taking out the garbage. Cindy needs a lot of help”. I said “she really needs to look into getting home care!” He said “oh, she can’t afford that.” I gulped. “It’s FREE! I get someone every day!” He looked dumbfounded. So today, while I was going for my little walk up and down the hall with my home care worker, Cindy came out to check her mail. I asked her to please come over and see me if she had time, and since she didn’t start work until 3:00, she came right over.

After talking with her for awhile, I learned that she not only has CP, but suffered a stroke 5 years ago which resulted in a 3 month hospital stay and some permanent disability. Her father committed suicide 15 years ago. Her mother and brother are here, but it doesn’t sound like she sees them much. “They hate Nathan”. I asked about Nathan… how they met, how long they’d been together, and her responses made me ill. For starters, he won’t help her with anything unless she pays him. He’s skitzophrenic. They met about 10 years ago in a food court at a mall. Nathan was there with his girlfriend at the time, also in a wheelchair. He walked up to Cindy, told her she was beautiful, and that he’d like to buy her dinner (in the food court! In front of his girlfriend! SCORE!) Cindy asked “what about your girlfriend?” and he said “oh, she can just take a Handi-Bus home”. Seriously! I was all… “uh… Cindy? Would that not be a sign that he would not be a good boyfriend?” I think she knows, but feels kinda stuck. He takes her grocery shopping and stuff. (As long as he’s paid). I asked her if she ever felt unsafe with him? Oh, yes. She used to live with him but moved out because he was violent. At least she had the smarts/guts to do that, but she can’t seem to get rid of him completely. She relies on the little help he gives her (for pay).

I picked up the phone and called my Home Care nurse to get the main home care number for new registrants. I spent the next hour on the phone with various intake workers and nurses, giving them Cindy’s info. I learned (because I was going between asking Cindy questions and telling the nurse) that Cindy can’t get herself in and out of her bathtub, and can’t even take a shower (she has a bath bench for showering) because she can’t afford the shower curtain and hand held shower head she needs to take one. FUCK. Seriously? She can’t even afford a fucking shower curtain, yet dickhead takes her money? Guess what I’ll be buying for her next time I get to the mall. She struggles to clean and dress herself, which is all you need to apply for home care. They are sending out an occupational therapist next week to assess her. She should be able to get a decent walker, poles, railings in the tub and other equipment she may need to help her in her home. As well as someone to help with bathing and dressing on a regular basis. I also hope they help her get a power chair… she would sure use it more than I use mine. And I’m pretty sure Easter Seals won’t buy her one unless she has first been turned down by the government. And she hasn’t even gone that route yet.

But that’s a conversation for another day. I will help her write a Client Impact Statement for her application. I’m her self-proclaimed Advocate, now. I can’t make her break up with Nathan, but hopefully I have steered her in a direction that she may not need to rely on him as much and will tell him to leave on her own. Fingers crossed.

Oh I know, it’s been forever n’ ever. Typing is a pain and I’d rather plunk out a few letters on a Facebook comment or Twitter from my iPod Touch! But I did buy this laptop as not only a place to surf the web and talk on Skype, but to WRITE MORE so I best get on that, even if I am still slow as molasses on this here Frogpad. It’s sooooo easy to make mistakes on that thing I’m constantly backspacing (which I’ll also make mistakes doing and end up typing numbers or something instead) so it takes me forever to do anything. Although I guess I won’t get better on it if I don’t practice more often, right? So enough with the excuses and on with the entry.

Summer is over. And I didn’t blog about it at all! And I’m just not going to because the thought of going over every detail of my life for the past few months is one of the reasons I haven’t updated. So overwhelming! So I guess I’ll be missing a few months of my life from here. No biggie, since I’m pretty sure I didn’t do much. Popped in to a couple music festivals, saw some friends, got my power wheelchair, enjoyed some Indian food, got excited that they opened up a Tim Hortons in my mall (and had my fill of iced coffees), complained about my stupid hair and the fact that I am trapped in my apartment most of the time and getting tired of it. Yes, I do realize I have both a scooter and a power wheelchair and should be able to go out whenever I feel like it. Unfortunately it’s not working that way, as I need so much help now I can’t even explain it. I feel like I have lost all my independence and I get really sad when I think about it, so let’s move on, shall we? Or I won’t be able to see through the tears to type.

Speaking of crying, did y’all watch Jim and Pam’s wedding episode of The Office last week? Gaaaaah I bawled. Sorry if that’s a spoiler for those of you in other countries who are behind by a couple of years. Yes, Jim and Pam do get married. And it is awesome.

I did attend a pretty amazing lecture last week by a woman (a doctor, actually) with secondary progressive MS (like me) who was in a wheelchair most of the time (like me) and managed to reverse it and get back on her bike again (unlike me!) She did it by using an MNES machine (on high power for MANY hours/day) and a strict diet/supplements routine. Her name is Dr. Terry Wahls. Her website is HERE, you can find her lectures on You Tube I believe, and the one I attended last week will be up on the Direct-MS website within the next few weeks, from what I hear.

Yes, this gives me hope, but I also know it’s not as simple as just eating 6 cups of kale a day and hooking myself up to an NMES machine. Dr. Wahls is a medical doctor, and had access to a physiotheraist down the hall who could help her learn how to use the machine. You can’t just buy one and start using it, it’s a little more intense than a TENS machine. So right now my focus is to find a physiotherapist willing to help me before I invest in the machine. I have an appointment with one on the 19th. Unfortunately, those machines have not been approved for MS, (although I don’t know WHY, hello?

“NMES can be used for a variety of reasons including increasing blood circulations to the muscle, relaxing muscle spasms, prevention of muscle atrophy in patients unable to use parts of their body, prevention of venous thrombosis after surgery, and increasing range of motion.”

Does that not sound like me, HELLO?) because MS is not a muscle disease and NMES does not fix the nerve signal from the brain to reach the muscle and tell it to move. But, but but BUT, I truly believe that if my muscles get stronger I will be able to move them more, and REPAIR that signal through the process of movement. Unfortunately for me and others who believe this, the doctors in the MS system don’t believe we can get better and “the system isn’t set up for you to improve” (direct quote from the physiatrist I saw on Tuesday). it’s set up to rehabilitate someone with a deficiency they believe can be fixed (i.e. if you are in a car accident and unable to walk without intensive rehab, stuff like that), but those of us with progressive MS are left on our own if we want to IMPROVE. We get Range of Motion stretching (like I get from Home Care 4 times/week) for the purpose of maintaining, but nothing to strengthen. This is the same physiotrist who referred me for physio because he believed a lot of my disability the past few years was due to being laid up after breaking my wrist, bad surgery experiences, depression, weight gain, etc. and not just MS, so there was hope I could IMPROVE, and now he’s saying I’m on my own again. I complained to him that all that physio I was supposed to get turned into once/week or every two weeks, and I need to be using that Nu-Step machine several times/week if I want to get stronger. That’s when he told me the system isn’t set up for that. So… I’m on my own again. Sigh.

So, I have that appointment on the 19th and the hope is that I will start their exercise program twice/week, the catch being they will need to get a walker for me to use at the facility as I won’t be able to bring mine, and I’ll need to book a Home Care worker to meet me there as a companion/helper/limb lifter. Also, fingers crossed the P/T will be willing to assist me in my NMES desires. There is also an exercise class for people with disabilities at the University that I will look into. It’s costly and I don’t know if it’s suitable, but hopefully they’ll let me check it out as an observer before I pay any money. And I STILL haven’t been to a pool and fear I won’t until I can hire my own one-on-one caregiver, whenever the hell THAT will happen.

I did not intend for this entry to turn into a long rant about… whatever this is about. Now I’m too tired to write about anything else! Oh - for those wondering - I am still taking StemEnhance. For about five minutes I thought it was doing something when my right eye stopped moving around in all sorts of weird directions and I got all excited, but no improvements since then. I do think it helped my eye, though, and I am not giving up all hope that I may see something else improve in the future. I always try to stay hopeful, but MAN life would be easier if I weighed 110 pounds and had lots of $$. I’ve been back on Weight Watchers for 3 months and have only lost 13 pounds (and don’t try to tell me 13 pounds is a lot, at my size I should have lost that the first 2-3 weeks). You know WHY? Because I’m not eating ENOUGH. It’s so hard for me to get myself food that I don’t do it often enough. Crikey. I’ve got to make some serious calls for help next week. Just reading this over I can see how pathetic it all is!

A few things I discovered during my short Wellness retreat:

• It is very difficult to meditate with two cats who jump and walk all over you, rip up and down the hall, jump at the walls, jump on everything and knock stuff off, and generally make it impossible to lay still with your eyes closed;
• I need a larger supply of AA batteries for my CD player;
• The reason meditation courses, retreats, Ashrams, etc. make you get up at 4:30 a.m. is NOT so you are up when the sun rises, or “with God” or whatever… it’s so you can fit everything you’re supposed to be doing into that day. I made what I thought was a fairly simple list of what I’d be doing/listening to/watching/drinking/eating every day and it all takes a lot longer than you’d think!
• I need to change my thinking and speaking drastically and urgently.

I had to bail out a day early and I didn’t do any of the office de-cluttering (I found that just frustrated me more and the whole point of this was to be positive, quiet and meditative for a few days). I had left a message on my voice mail that said “if you’re calling about my home care or Sammons-Preston delivery, please leave a message, otherwise call back Wednesday” and yesterday morning I received 3 messages regarding home care. In order to take down the names/phone numbers I had to turn on my computer to type them out. Then I was on the phone making appointments and dealing with stuff, and I figured while I was here, I may as well email Sammons-Preston again and ask what the hell is going on and why they didn’t respond to my last email. Within seconds of hitting “send” they CALLED ME! Oh my God, actual customer service. I was told delivery had been attempted last week and that I had refused it. WTF??? So…. you don’t call me about that? They obviously attempted delivery to the wrong address. So she confirmed my address again and then I was on and off the phone with the freight company and had to leave my phone on because they’d be “calling before they delivered”. Of course, with my email client open, I retrieved my email, dealt with what I had to (work stuff), then it was off to check Facebook, and then it was all over.

I never did get my mat platform delivered yesterday, so this morning I called the freight office in Toronto to tell them I will be home all day today awaiting the delivery. The guy says “great! We’ll get it to you today for sure!”. I switched work to tomorrow instead, because this has been 2 months in the waiting and I’m not going anywhere until this mat platform is IN MY HOME. Then, the local freight office calls me (after I had already cancelled and re-booked my Access rides for tomorrow) to tell me there is some problem with overbooking deliveries and they can’t guarantee it will be here today, it will most likely be tomorrow. For FUCK SAKES. I have never had so many problems with incompetent service in my LIFE.

I got some great service last night, though, when I decided the “retreat” had obviously ended early. I needed some furniture moved around in my bedroom to make things easier for me, on the advice of the occupational therapist that was here last week. So I called Shawna to see if she could come by with a helper after work, and she showed up with both her parents who are in town visiting. They moved everything around in no time at all. Now I need the pole beside my bed moved over, so it’s beside my bed again, but that will have to wait until Monday when the pole installer guy is here to install another pole for me (I’ll need one beside my mat platform IF IT EVER GETS HERE).

Anyway, I need to do a lot of mental work. I have been watching You Can Heal Your Life every day, and crying crying crying like crazy. I first read Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” in 2003. I even reviewed it in an MS With Attitude newsletter back then. That was FIVE YEARS AGO. I’ve known this stuff for so many years. Meanwhile, I would give anything to go back to the state of health I was in 5 years ago, which was SO much better than today. I started MS With Attitude because I considered myself an example of how to LIVE with MS, and how to keep a positive outlook and attitude, and wanted to encourage/inspire others. I read the main page of that site now and realize I have become everything I feared. That I have become an “MS Pro” living with home care and equipment and therapists and wheelchairs and social workers and accessible housing and all the shit I never wanted to get into. And I know that it is all my fears and negative thinking and talking that made it this way. Even though I knew better. I KNEW BETTER!! And now here I am. I feel like such a failure. And that’s why I cry and cry and cry when I watch that DVD. On one hand, I have hope that I can turn it around. On the other, I’m so pissed off at myself for letting it get this bad. I’m not looking for sympathy or for you to say “oh Donna, don’t blame yourself, that’s too much” or whatever. I know and understand the Laws of the Universe. I also know I have been using them the wrong way, by accident of course. No one intentionally makes themselves sick. I am living proof that “you become what you think about, whether you want it or not”.

Many times I have stated right here that I’m not going to talk about MS on this blog anymore, (HA!), that I’m not going to focus on anything negative, and it’s not long before I renege on that promise. It’s even worse in my day-to-day life, the way I think and talk to myself. If I didn’t have my two adorable kitties to brighten my day, I swear there would be many days that not a positive thought would go through my brain. I’m the Queen of bitching out loud to myself and crying myself to sleep about everything I struggle to do each day.

I need to pull that book out again, dust it off, and actually DO THE WORK. Every single day!!!

Oh my God, I am so mean. I just changed a couple of photos that stupid people were hotlinking to from my blog, to this scary naked dude. One of the sites was using a photo I have here as the entire background to the Welcome page of their Chat room. And now everyone will be welcomed by Ugly Naked Guy. I CRACK MYSELF UP.

By the way, Ugly Naked Guy is a man that contacted me on Facebook once (and then I blocked him), and when I looked at his profile, there was only a photo album with 2 naked pictures of him. I laughed so hard I decided to save them to use just for this purpose. He is simply naked, standing over his underwear drawer, sorting tighty whiteys. And he is quite unattractive. If you want to see the picture, you’ll have to email me and ask for it, ’cause I’m not posting it here! Or you can hotlink one of my photos and wait for me to catch you and change it. Hehe. But please don’t.

My mom was here over the weekend. I barely recognize my apartment!! The clutter in the living room, dining room and kitchen is gone. The filing in my office is done. She did SO much to help me sort through crap I’ve been meaning to sort through for ages. But I put it off because it is easier with two hands and some of it involved standing for long periods of time. Last weekend my Stepdad put together my new CD stand, and finally, it is full. And the top of my hutch in the living room is not littered with stray CD and DVD cases and discs. YAY! It looks nice in here again, I actually want to live here.

Oh, update from last entry, my new friend is Sander, not Saunder. He requested me on Facebook so now I know for sure. He also has an 80mb audio file of the Polyjesters‘ show last Saturday which he’s letting me download as I type this. YAY I like new friends.

I am just crushed that Jeff Healey passed away. I only ever met him a couple times myself, briefly, but some good friends of mine have worked really closely with him over the years. So it was very sad news.

Back in December I ordered some tote bags off Make It Right. I finally received them today, exactly 3 months after I ordered them! At the time I ordered them, they didn’t have all the notices they have up now, about how the bags are hand made from the pink material used to showcase where the houses would be going (OMG maybe Brad Pitt touched them!!), and wouldn’t be available until after January 15, and that they’re not in mass production, etc. etc. I had no clue and actually ordered a couple for Christmas gifts!! Then they changed the site. So, Lisa, I have a pink bag for you. Happy belated birthday, even! And Kim, I know pink’s not your colour, but it’s for a good cause, and they don’t come in any other colour. Carry it proudly.

Today was our Provincial Election. I was out all day, as my appointments at the Clinic for Mind/Body Medicine take all day because of the way Access Calgary schedules things. So my day consisted of sitting in a car, sitting at my appointment, and sitting in a car. Long day. I was pretty beat by the time I got home (sitting in a car for well over an hour each way is draining! Especially when the driver is singing songs in Punjabi the entire time) but I still mustered up the energy to get my scooter out and go to the school a few blocks away and vote. My neighbour Richard was working at my polling station, handling all the voters from my apartment complex - about 750 people. He said I was only the 35th he’d seen ALL DAY. That means probably 700 people in my complex didn’t even bother voting! Ugh. Oh well, can’t blame them really, it seems this province will never change parties*, so why bother. PC stands for Political Corporation, not Progressive Conservative, as far as I’m concerned! Hee. Political Corporation. I just thought of that. Did I make it up? Political Corruption. Political Caca. Whatever. Can we get a Hillary over here?

*I’m writing this a couple hours before the election is over, so we don’t actually know yet, but based on the past 37 years it’s an educated guess.

Whoever wins, I hope they do something about AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped). I still don’t have my benefits for March, which were supposed to be deposited last Tuesday. When I called about it, I was told they couldn’t release my funds because I hadn’t “filed my annual report”. Well, I never received an annual report to file! “Oh, well, my clients are responsible for knowing their Diary Date and getting their reports in on time, I don’t call them if they are late”. Well, in the past 10 years, there was only one other time I didn’t receive the report, and I was called about it, sent another one, and filed it. Every other year, I just file it when I get it. I wasn’t even aware I had a “Diary Date”. And thanks for changing your rules without letting me know. So, she faxed me a report and I filled it out and mailed it (they won’t accept a fax back because they need your original signature). I was able to fax over attachments, however, such as my tax assessment and bank statements. So I did that. And this morning she wakes me up by calling with a million questions, and “fax me this, fax me that” because she doesn’t understand what self-employment means, and I’ve only been doing this for 10 FUCKING YEARS, BITCH! I am NOT ripping you off, but how in the hell do you expect someone to live off $1,050 AISH benefit when their rent is $1,000 and they’re not allowed to earn more than $400 a month before they are deducted benefits. So EXCUSE ME if I collect more than $400 a month, I have write-offs because I am self-employed, it is one of the great benefits of BEING self-employed on the AISH program. And I’ve been doing this for 10 FUCKING YEARS, so why don’t you just ask your boss and stop bugging me. Sigh.

Okay, so, the past 24 hours have kinda sucked.

It started yesterday afternoon when I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few groceries. I usually use the self checkout, of which there are 4 stands. One line-up, and you just wait for the next available checkout stand. So I was ringing my things through and almost finished, when I hear the woman next in line say “excuse me ma’am, you have to go to the back of the line, it’s all one line - you don’t stand behind a specific till.” I looked over and saw the woman she was talking to. She yelled “who the hell are YOU?! You can’t tell me what to do!!” and the woman behind me got defensive and said “get to the back of the line! You can’t butt ahead, you’re no one special” and the other one said “and YOU ARE?? And YOU ARE?? Who are YOU??!!?” I then piped up and told the woman behind me I was almost done, and to come on over… and told the troublemaker “she’s right, you know, it’s one line and you need to go to the back,” to which she responded “SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHITE-ASS MOUTH, BITCH!! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” I was done bagging my stuff so I just scootered right on out of there. It was only when I was half-way down the mall that I remembered I had used the “cash back” feature on the debit machine and requested $40. In all the commotion I totally forgot my money!! I raced back there, but too late. The cash was gone from the slot, and the woman who used the till after me was nowhere to be seen.

ARGH!!!

Today I slept in. Yeah, so, no big deal, just had a hair appointment at 1:00. So after I got dressed for that I checked my email and eBay stuff. I had left negative feedback for a woman last night who WAY overcharged me for shipping (I don’t normally care too much, because we’re not only paying the cost to ship, but for their time and materials and stuff, so a few bucks more is no biggie). But $10 over was too much, plus she advertised her Crocs as BRAND NEW and what I received had obviously been worn. Anyway, I left negative feedback so of course she left me negative feedback, saying “watch out for Canadians!! Refund offered and still left negative. Not nice.” and rebuffed my negative feedback by saying she offered a refund. SO not true. I had emailed her before I left the feedback and all I got back from her was a rude email, telling me I’m “too picky”.

So my day started out with me in a bad mood. And you know what they say in The Secret and all that, we create our world with our thoughts, and if you’re in a bitchy mood to begin your day, things just spiral. So 20 minutes before I needed to leave for my hair appointment, I lost my balance and fell backwards on my ass. Scraped my hand pretty bad:

There is a lovely bump and bruise forming there and it hurts like hell to touch!

but I think that’s all. It just shook me up. I didn’t really have time to regain my composure when I managed to get myself up; I wiped the tears from my eyes and got on my scooter to leave. I backed it up, and the walker carrier on the back of my scooter attached itself to my TV stand and DRAGGED MY TV ACROSS THE ROOM. I’ve been soooo careful when backing up not to hit my TV since I got that walker carrier, it sticks out pretty far. But I guess I was too flustered today.

Hello there, you belong in the corner. You’re also supposed to be a 52″ flat screen.

So. Yes. Great day so far, huh?

Then I got my hair done, so let’s hope things turn around now, because I think that worked out well:

I think I’m attempting a “look down like a mysterious temptress” look. Ahem.

So anyway, a couple lattes and a voice mail message from my buddy Jason later, I’m feeling better. Tonight I’m going to watch a movie and go to bed early… and hope for a better day tomorrow!!

Pepper is SO going there.

“Mmmmm…. paper…..”

Boxy but Good

Grab a coffee! As previously warned, it’s a long one!

Topics for today:

1. Mountainview Music Festival
2. Hangin’ with Michelle
3. Lynda, my Childhood BFF
4. New Computer
5. Weight Loss Industry

1. Mountainview Music Festival

My friend Jay and his brother Marc picked me up around 3:00 to head out to Carstairs, about 45 minutes North of Calgary. Last year, this festival was a back yard party at Jason’s house. This year, it has grown into a big festival that all the surrounding towns are wanting to take place in their area next year! I was blown away by the size, and the number of people! (Probably around 850 - 1000?) The Polyjesters, their parents and a ton of volunteers had worked ’round the clock to get this thing off the ground. And was it ever worth it!! Rather than me go on and on about it, you can click these links and check out some great photos:

PDF file - Didsbury Review

PDF File - Didsbury Review pg. 2

Poster 1

Poster 2

Most of my day was spent hanging about the “backstage” area (where the beer was free hehe) and chatting with people while taking in the great live music. My friend Kim and her hubby were volunteers and had their motor home parked there, so I spent some time in there where Kim fed me lunch and gave me coffee. Woo hoo! I have awesome friends.

It was a beautiful day

Sponsorship is a very good thing.

One of the fun highlights of the Festival was the appearance by Randy and Mr. Lahey (Patrick Roach and John Dunsworth) from the Trailer Park Boys. I had to laugh because my friend Kim was chosen to drive them to their hotel the night before from a show they did in another town, and pick them up from the hotel and bring them to the Festival. The TPB designated driver (and she doesn’t even watch the show).

Mr. Lahey chats backstage

Mr. Lahey dances with a couple celebrating their anniversary

Randy is served a LARGE cheeseburger made special, just for him. His character on the show was once a male prostitute to fund his cheeseburger habit, FYI.

Read the rest of this entry �

Monday night I went to the premiere of “A Mighty Heart” with AH. I think he was the wrong person to take. Let’s face it, he’s a Middle Eastern Arab Muslim. No matter how hot ‘n sexy he is, or kind and helpful he has been to me over the years, added to the fact that he has lived most of his life here in Canada, does not change that… his attitudes are quite different from mine. So when I come out of a movie like that, I’m horrified by what happened to Danny Pearl. When AH comes out of a movie like that, he says “what goes around, comes around.” WTF???

It’s common knowledge that many Muslims (and probably others) believe that “The Jews are responsible for 9/11″. There is this (bullshit rumour, IMO) that “4,000 Jews didn’t show up for work at the World Trade Centre that day because they were warned in advance…” Oh, PLEASE. There were 400-500 Jews killed at the WTC that day, (although the list of those killed does not include their religion, it’s pretty obvious when you see names like Steinman, Berger, Rosenberg, Bernstein, Horwitz, Weinstein, etc.) And are you going to tell me that not ONE of those 4,000 supposedly warned wouldn’t then call their buddies from work, or police, or SOMEONE to advise them of what they’ve been told? Not one in 4,000 is a decent person? Gimme a break.

AH falls into the category of those that believe “the Jews are responsible for 9/11″. That’s like me saying “The Muslims are responsible”. And I would never say that, because I know not all Muslims are bad people. I could say “Al-Qaeda is responsible” just like AH could say “The Israeli government is responsible” if that’s what he wants to believe. Don’t say “Jews” are. Daniel Pearl had NOTHING to do with it, or anything else Israel may be blamed for. He was Jewish by being born into a Jewish family. He was an American. He did not practice his faith religiously, if he did he would have married a nice Jewish girl, not a Cuban. He was a journalist for the Wall Street Journal, looking for answers and truth. He offered his articles to be read by anyone he was going to interview, so they could see what he was writing about, and what his angle was. Daniel Pearl was in love with his wife who was 5-1/2 months pregnant at the time of his death, and he did NOT deserve to die!!!

My biggest problem with arguing about these things with AH, is that I am quite ignorant in the world of politics and the happenings over in the Middle East. AH is not; he grew up in Lebanon surrounded by wars and has lived and breathed it. He has his reasons for hating Israel and I won’t deny that anyone from Lebanon would, knowing a little of that history. He has an intellectual sounding comeback for every argument I put out there because he is far more knowledgeable about world politics and media than I am. For example, when I said “Osama Bin Laden came right out and admitted he is responsible for 9/11!” AH came back with “the media were delivered a tape from Al-Jazeera and they didn’t air it for over a week… because they wanted to edit it to their liking. Don’t you think if it was the real thing, they would have aired it within minutes of receiving it?” And to that I have no answer, because I have no clue whether or not what AH says is true. Because I don’t keep on top of this stuff like he does. Alls I know is, the media has been so ACCURATE and open-minded in its reporting, and George Bush has been so honest about the Whats and Whys.

(That was sarcasm, BTW).

When AH said “well, he wouldn’t have died if he didn’t deserve it. He did something. Good people don’t just get killed for no reason…” I responded with “tell me, again, how your brother died?” (He was killed by two men in Lebanon many years ago). He didn’t say anything after that, point taken.

In closing, I don’t believe “Jews are responsible” and I think generalizing “Jews” into a category like that in the first place is bullshit. Are all “Germans” responsible for what Hitler did? Please. (In all fairness, however, as a friend of mine studying the Middle East at this very moment just pointed out to me, “many people from the Middle East are not necessarily disagreeing or attacking the specific issue - but are putting it in a much wider historical context which does not generally translate well to North American ears…” and that he may not have meant exactly what he said). But still. I don’t like some of the stuff he said, and he clarified it enough that I know he meant what he said.

I rolled all my coins this past weekend. $350!! Not too bad, considering I only started saving the loonies and toonies last September (and have grabbed the odd one out of the vase here and there). It is going right on my credit card to start paying down my trip, and thus another item is crossed off my 101 list. While rolling the coins, I happened across a 1945 dime that is worth about $10.00 and a penny worth about $4.00. Woo hoo!

I’ve been doing some reading lately of websites that have to do with fat acceptance. It is really quite interesting. I’d like to think it’s a bit of a “movement” happening… not a Pro “Eating-whatever-the-hell-you-want-until-you-can’t-get-out-of-your-own-bed” fat acceptance movement, but to accept the fact that some people eat healthy and exercise and will never be thin. That trying to be model-thin is unrealistic for many people no matter how hard they try, and try they do, with diets and creating eating disorders and driving themselves crazy stepping on that damn scale 100 times/day and hating themselves for not looking like Kate Moss. Sites like Big Fat Deal, that I have been reading for awhile now, which led me to the now famous Fat Rant by Joy Nash, and the WONDERFUL, awesome and brilliant Kate Harding. And let’s hear a rousing roar of applause for Mika’s latest single:

That line “no need to fantasize since I was in my braces”? This guy makes that pretty clear. Excellent read, and I thank you, dear Brian, and all the above links, for helping me get closer to the acceptance of myself, and no more diets for me. I know I need to work on the eating healthier overall and regular exercise to just see where my body ends up, but it’s nice to know I’m “allowed” to feel sexy at any size.

Okay, I linked to so much stuff you’ll be reading all night now, so I shall sign off.

I popped in here today thinking I was going to be opening a post I had started working on and adding to it. But, no, it’s totally blank. I wish I could say the same about my “to do” list.

My office? Still a mess. The floor is scattered with all the work I’ve been doing lately and need to file away. My own tax return is 80% finished, and all my papers are in a pile in front of my fax machine. My desk is covered in more work I need to do, the beginnings of my 2007 files I have yet to put away, and various other papers I need to file. Plus a coffee mug, a water bottle, my Starbucks take out cup, CDs, my South Park “Kyle” doll Pepper knocked off the top shelf, everything else Pita or Pepper has knocked off the shelves, my digital camera, and books. On the positive side, AH picked me up some file boxes the other day, so at least I have those for when I am ready to store my old files and tax returns. Of which there are plenty in my over-stuffed filing cabinet.

I SWEAR I’m going to get it done this week. Did I already “swear” to that recently? I believe I did. I can’t even keep a promise I make to myself, never mind you guys. That is why I am so frustrated with myself lately. I’m pissed off at myself all the time for not doing what I say I’m going to do, and then I get pissed off at myself for being hard on myself, then I think I’m such a loser, then I tell myself to “baby step” it, and then I get tired and want a fucking MAGIC WAND to take care of everything so I can just crawl under a rock until it’s done, or better yet, the same Rehab place Britney Spears is in, and come out and find sunshine and happiness, and then I kick myself in the butt because that’s not how life works and I need to TAKE ACTION for anything to get done and to have the life I want, and then I get depressed because I don’t have the drive in me right now, and then I tell myself to “baby step” it, and then I say “fuck it” and eat chocolate and toss everything on the floor, and then I meditate and say positive affimations and re-start my gratitude journal, and I tell myself “I’m trying”, and then Oprah says “trying is failing gracefully”, and Yoda says “do, or do not: there is no try”, so that’s not good enough, and then I think tomorrow will be better, and then it isn’t, and there is STILL NO @#^$%^#% MAGIC WAND in sight.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

So let us focus on the good parts of the past few days, shall we?

• I am back in touch with an old friend that I haven’t seen or talked to in about 14 years. She found me on MySpace. She lives in South Korea right now!
• Lindy called me on Wednesday night from Toronto, and was all excited about seeing the Polyjesters the following night. I introduced them to each other’s music and there is a whole helluva lot of mutual admiration going on there. And when they see each other, they talk about how much they love and miss me. Hee!
• Rob called me from Toronto the other day as well, and Shawna from Winnipeg, so there is no shortage of friends calling long distance;
• I talked to Emma on Thursday night;
• My dear friend/client Ken took me to My Favourite Vietnamese Restaurant for lunch on Friday;
• I mentioned to AH that I needed some file storage boxes, and without me even asking he stopped at Staples on the way home from work and picked up a package of 5 for me, and refused to take any money for them when he dropped them off later;
• I ordered AH this shirt for his birthday:

• My mom did my laundry and changed my bed sheets;
• I have an appointment for an ion cleanse on Tuesday;
• I have a few things planned in May that I’m not ready to talk about yet, but am very excited about.

Okay, fine, so life isn’t totally sucking. I’ve got some damn fine people in it.

I’ve got a busy week. Work at the Pub tomorrow, the ion cleanse appointment on Tuesday, work at Troy’s on Wednesday, and I re-start my Living Well with a Chronic Illness program on Thursday. In between all of that I need to do the million things I just don’t want to think about right now. It’s Sunday! The day of rest, right?

“The Day of Rest can begin AFTER you rub my tummy”.