I Hope I Can Heal My Life
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
A few things I discovered during my short Wellness retreat:
- It is very difficult to meditate with two cats who jump and walk all over you, rip up and down the hall, jump at the walls, jump on everything and knock stuff off, and generally make it impossible to lay still with your eyes closed;
- I need a larger supply of AA batteries for my CD player;
- The reason meditation courses, retreats, Ashrams, etc. make you get up at 4:30 a.m. is NOT so you are up when the sun rises, or “with God” or whatever… it’s so you can fit everything you’re supposed to be doing into that day. I made what I thought was a fairly simple list of what I’d be doing/listening to/watching/drinking/eating every day and it all takes a lot longer than you’d think!
- I need to change my thinking and speaking drastically and urgently.
I had to bail out a day early and I didn’t do any of the office de-cluttering (I found that just frustrated me more and the whole point of this was to be positive, quiet and meditative for a few days). I had left a message on my voice mail that said “if you’re calling about my home care or Sammons-Preston delivery, please leave a message, otherwise call back Wednesday” and yesterday morning I received 3 messages regarding home care. In order to take down the names/phone numbers I had to turn on my computer to type them out. Then I was on the phone making appointments and dealing with stuff, and I figured while I was here, I may as well email Sammons-Preston again and ask what the hell is going on and why they didn’t respond to my last email. Within seconds of hitting “send” they CALLED ME! Oh my God, actual customer service. I was told delivery had been attempted last week and that I had refused it. WTF??? So…. you don’t call me about that? They obviously attempted delivery to the wrong address. So she confirmed my address again and then I was on and off the phone with the freight company and had to leave my phone on because they’d be “calling before they delivered”. Of course, with my email client open, I retrieved my email, dealt with what I had to (work stuff), then it was off to check Facebook, and then it was all over.
I never did get my mat platform delivered yesterday, so this morning I called the freight office in Toronto to tell them I will be home all day today awaiting the delivery. The guy says “great! We’ll get it to you today for sure!”. I switched work to tomorrow instead, because this has been 2 months in the waiting and I’m not going anywhere until this mat platform is IN MY HOME. Then, the local freight office calls me (after I had already cancelled and re-booked my Access rides for tomorrow) to tell me there is some problem with overbooking deliveries and they can’t guarantee it will be here today, it will most likely be tomorrow. For FUCK SAKES. I have never had so many problems with incompetent service in my LIFE.
I got some great service last night, though, when I decided the “retreat” had obviously ended early. I needed some furniture moved around in my bedroom to make things easier for me, on the advice of the occupational therapist that was here last week. So I called Shawna to see if she could come by with a helper after work, and she showed up with both her parents who are in town visiting. They moved everything around in no time at all. Now I need the pole beside my bed moved over, so it’s beside my bed again, but that will have to wait until Monday when the pole installer guy is here to install another pole for me (I’ll need one beside my mat platform IF IT EVER GETS HERE).
Anyway, I need to do a lot of mental work. I have been watching You Can Heal Your Life every day, and crying crying crying like crazy. I first read Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” in 2003. I even reviewed it in an MS With Attitude newsletter back then. That was FIVE YEARS AGO. I’ve known this stuff for so many years. Meanwhile, I would give anything to go back to the state of health I was in 5 years ago, which was SO much better than today. I started MS With Attitude because I considered myself an example of how to LIVE with MS, and how to keep a positive outlook and attitude, and wanted to encourage/inspire others. I read the main page of that site now and realize I have become everything I feared. That I have become an “MS Pro” living with home care and equipment and therapists and wheelchairs and social workers and accessible housing and all the shit I never wanted to get into. And I know that it is all my fears and negative thinking and talking that made it this way. Even though I knew better. I KNEW BETTER!! And now here I am. I feel like such a failure. And that’s why I cry and cry and cry when I watch that DVD. On one hand, I have hope that I can turn it around. On the other, I’m so pissed off at myself for letting it get this bad. I’m not looking for sympathy or for you to say “oh Donna, don’t blame yourself, that’s too much” or whatever. I know and understand the Laws of the Universe. I also know I have been using them the wrong way, by accident of course. No one intentionally makes themselves sick. I am living proof that “you become what you think about, whether you want it or not”.
Many times I have stated right here that I’m not going to talk about MS on this blog anymore, (HA!), that I’m not going to focus on anything negative, and it’s not long before I renege on that promise. It’s even worse in my day-to-day life, the way I think and talk to myself. If I didn’t have my two adorable kitties to brighten my day, I swear there would be many days that not a positive thought would go through my brain. I’m the Queen of bitching out loud to myself and crying myself to sleep about everything I struggle to do each day.
I need to pull that book out again, dust it off, and actually DO THE WORK. Every single day!!!
A few things I discovered during my short Wellness retreat:
- It is very difficult to meditate with two cats who jump and walk all over you, rip up and down the hall, jump at the walls, jump on everything and knock stuff off, and generally make it impossible to lay still with your eyes closed;
- I need a larger supply of AA batteries for my CD player;
- The reason meditation courses, retreats, Ashrams, etc. make you get up at 4:30 a.m. is NOT so you are up when the sun rises, or “with God” or whatever… it’s so you can fit everything you’re supposed to be doing into that day. I made what I thought was a fairly simple list of what I’d be doing/listening to/watching/drinking/eating every day and it all takes a lot longer than you’d think!
- I need to change my thinking and speaking drastically and urgently.
I had to bail out a day early and I didn’t do any of the office de-cluttering (I found that just frustrated me more and the whole point of this was to be positive, quiet and meditative for a few days). I had left a message on my voice mail that said “if you’re calling about my home care or Sammons-Preston delivery, please leave a message, otherwise call back Wednesday” and yesterday morning I received 3 messages regarding home care. In order to take down the names/phone numbers I had to turn on my computer to type them out. Then I was on the phone making appointments and dealing with stuff, and I figured while I was here, I may as well email Sammons-Preston again and ask what the hell is going on and why they didn’t respond to my last email. Within seconds of hitting “send” they CALLED ME! Oh my God, actual customer service. I was told delivery had been attempted last week and that I had refused it. WTF??? So…. you don’t call me about that? They obviously attempted delivery to the wrong address. So she confirmed my address again and then I was on and off the phone with the freight company and had to leave my phone on because they’d be “calling before they delivered”. Of course, with my email client open, I retrieved my email, dealt with what I had to (work stuff), then it was off to check Facebook, and then it was all over.
I never did get my mat platform delivered yesterday, so this morning I called the freight office in Toronto to tell them I will be home all day today awaiting the delivery. The guy says “great! We’ll get it to you today for sure!”. I switched work to tomorrow instead, because this has been 2 months in the waiting and I’m not going anywhere until this mat platform is IN MY HOME. Then, the local freight office calls me (after I had already cancelled and re-booked my Access rides for tomorrow) to tell me there is some problem with overbooking deliveries and they can’t guarantee it will be here today, it will most likely be tomorrow. For FUCK SAKES. I have never had so many problems with incompetent service in my LIFE.
I got some great service last night, though, when I decided the “retreat” had obviously ended early. I needed some furniture moved around in my bedroom to make things easier for me, on the advice of the occupational therapist that was here last week. So I called Shawna to see if she could come by with a helper after work, and she showed up with both her parents who are in town visiting. They moved everything around in no time at all. Now I need the pole beside my bed moved over, so it’s beside my bed again, but that will have to wait until Monday when the pole installer guy is here to install another pole for me (I’ll need one beside my mat platform IF IT EVER GETS HERE).
Anyway, I need to do a lot of mental work. I have been watching You Can Heal Your Life every day, and crying crying crying like crazy. I first read Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” in 2003. I even reviewed it in an MS With Attitude newsletter back then. That was FIVE YEARS AGO. I’ve known this stuff for so many years. Meanwhile, I would give anything to go back to the state of health I was in 5 years ago, which was SO much better than today. I started MS With Attitude because I considered myself an example of how to LIVE with MS, and how to keep a positive outlook and attitude, and wanted to encourage/inspire others. I read the main page of that site now and realize I have become everything I feared. That I have become an “MS Pro” living with home care and equipment and therapists and wheelchairs and social workers and accessible housing and all the shit I never wanted to get into. And I know that it is all my fears and negative thinking and talking that made it this way. Even though I knew better. I KNEW BETTER!! And now here I am. I feel like such a failure. And that’s why I cry and cry and cry when I watch that DVD. On one hand, I have hope that I can turn it around. On the other, I’m so pissed off at myself for letting it get this bad. I’m not looking for sympathy or for you to say “oh Donna, don’t blame yourself, that’s too much” or whatever. I know and understand the Laws of the Universe. I also know I have been using them the wrong way, by accident of course. No one intentionally makes themselves sick. I am living proof that “you become what you think about, whether you want it or not”.
Many times I have stated right here that I’m not going to talk about MS on this blog anymore, (HA!), that I’m not going to focus on anything negative, and it’s not long before I renege on that promise. It’s even worse in my day-to-day life, the way I think and talk to myself. If I didn’t have my two adorable kitties to brighten my day, I swear there would be many days that not a positive thought would go through my brain. I’m the Queen of bitching out loud to myself and crying myself to sleep about everything I struggle to do each day.
I need to pull that book out again, dust it off, and actually DO THE WORK. Every single day!!!





