Can You Hear Me Now?

It’s the end of May and we had a snow fall in Calgary yesterday. It’s gone now, but it is cold and rainy and absolutely ridiculous. It’s JUNE this week, people! Where’s our sunshine and roses?

I’m not all sunshine and roses these days. Nope. I’ve been doing some thinking about my life, brought about by listening to Peter Katz’s incredible new CD. Please watch this video and listen to what the song is about:

So, basically, it’s about a guy who was diagnosed with a terminal illness and instead of panicking about all the things he still wanted to do in his life, he was able to say, hey, I’ve been doing it all along.

And I’m all, you know, a few years ago I could have said that. I was living my life to its fullest, MS, wheelchair, and all. That great weekend with Rob Szabo and the band at the South Country Music Fair. Traveling to Toronto and Montreal after that, to see more live music and visit my friends there. What an awesome life I was living, and if I had died a few weeks after that, I would have died doing what I love and living a full life. Friends, live music, travel, shopping, eating out, lattes, working when I wanted… But NOW? I feel as if my life has been robbed from me. Don’t tell me to “live your life to the fullest” or “live each day as if it’s your last” or whatever the hell. I CAN’T. I have no fucking life. It’s been taken from me and now I get to live out the rest of my days in this fucking chair in front of my TV, unable to leave the house on my own, struggling to get in and out of bed, unable to carry on a social life outside of this room, Facebook and Twitter, unable to LIVE. a LIFE.

So, that’s how I’m feeling these days.

I honestly believe the Liberation Treatment is my ONLY hope to get some semblance of my life back. There have been a lot more Canadians coming back from Poland, Bulgaria, and other treatment locations in recent days and I’m hearing soooooo many great stories it’s making me cry every day. One man in Halifax, who is secondary progressive like me, is able to walk with just a cane again. He said the procedure put him back about 5 or 6 years, mobility wise. I would give my eye teeth for that! FIVE OR SIX YEARS! You know what I was doing 5 or 6 years ago? Living a damn good life, and probably taking a lot of it for granted. What I wouldn’t do to go back there to cane-land…

So, that being said, if you are on Facebook please join my Hope for Liberation group, and remember how in the past I used to do those Pay It Forward projects at Christmas, to raise money for people in need? Well, now I am in need. I think I have lost a lot of readers over the years due to my lack of updates and most likely my overdoses of MS talk and too few cat pictures, but if any of you are still out there, this is the time to let me know. I could use a little pay-it-forward myself to raise money for my Liberation, where ever that ends up being. Flights for me and a caregiver, hotels, car rental if needed, food, the procedure itself… I’m looking at about a $20,000 price tag. Which I will gladly go into debt doing for the chance of getting my life back. But I sure could use some help! If you can spare a few dollars…

THANK YOU!!

Okay, so, if you have MS or know someone close to you with MS, you have (maybe just recently, like me) heard about The Liberation Treatment and Dr. Zamboni. I heard about it for the first time on Friday when AH called me excitedly after hearing about it on the radio. Then there was that special on W5. I’m not going to go into great details about it here, you can click the links and see for yourself, but I AM going to urge you to call your closest MS Society chapter and neurologists and ask questions. Make a fuss. This is an amazing discovery which requires attention. Pharmaceutical companies and many organizations stand to lose a LOT of money over this, and it’s totally outside of the box of all other MS theories, so it’s going to take people like us to make noise. On Friday the MS Society wanted no part in this theory but after pressure from the phone calls on Monday after the news report aired, they changed their tune and have decided to grant funds for research. We must keep up the momentum!

I had a nice weekend. On Saturday my mom and Bob came by for their last visit before leaving on their vacation to Mexico tomorrow! My brother’s girlfriend also came by, and she helped me get to the mall so I could pick up a few things, including the shower curtain and handheld shower head for my neighbour. We weren’t able to get it over to her that day, but the rings were put in the curtain so it was ready for hanging. Cindy came by again the other day, and told me Home Care had come by to assess her and she was getting a bathtub bench, raised toilet seat, bars in the tub, pole beside her bed, a NEW wheelchair, and personal care assistance for showers and dressing. Awesome.

That night my dad picked me up and we went to my friend/client/Coach K’s 50th birthday bash. Lucky for me it was held at a restaurant and not his house so I could actually go! (His house has lots of stairs). I could only stay for a couple of hours (bedtime for me these days is between 9 and 10:00) but it was so good to see him and a few other friends of his I know. Coach K is, last I heard, 6′9″ (I’m pretty sure he was 6′6″ when I met him 10 years ago, but after 6′4″ everyone is shorter than you, so who’s gonna argue?) He just competed in and came in 5th at a national body building championship (so yeah, no one is going to argue with him about ANYTHING, except me, ’cause I’m his bookkeeper and make him pay his taxes no matter how much he whines). When he emailed me the photo of him posing on stage in a Speedo, I think I screamed, before I gave him shit. He’s like a brother to me… and no one wants to see their buffed, tanned brother in a Speedo.

On Sunday, my good friend and hero Rob Szabo came by with Ryan Hennessey, whom he is touring with right now. They had a show here that night but since getting out isn’t easy for me and bathrooms at these live music venues are rarely accessible (not to mention the bed time thing) I wasn’t able to go, so it was super appreciated that they made time for me. AND we went over to Cindy’s where they installed the stuff for her shower! I love me some Handymen. Slash musicians, the perfect blend. Cindy is not one to show emotion but I know she was grateful and thanked us. Good Karma Points earned by all. I had never met Ryan before, and he is a super great guy. Of course. Rob surrounds himself with pretty awesome people. He produced Ryan’s CD and gave me a copy… he also produced PETER KATZ’S UPCOMING CD THAT GLEN HANSARD SINGS ON . Not sure If I mentioned that before.

My 101 List is rolling along. I’ve been following the Core Balance diet (”food plan” - not a fan of the word DIET) for the past week, which among other things means no sugar (except in natural forms like fruits, grains). I’m doing good, although my craving for chocolate is starting to hit. Today is my first day of liquids only (one day a week over 6 weeks - not a Core Balance thing, just something I want to do). The other day I was walking up the hall and my pants fell off me, right down to my ankles. It was then I realized all the pants I wear I was wearing around the time of my 40th birthday a year and a half ago, and I have actually lost 50 pounds since then. It’s time to dig through my closet and find more pants. I would say it’s time to “buy new pants”, but I have certainly been this weight before in recent years (and lower… I gained a LOT of weight since breaking my wrist) so I’m pretty sure I’ve got better fitting pants around. But I sure do love my Silhouettes Yoga Pants so I think a trip to eBay is in order as well.

The pool is helping the weight loss too, I’m sure. Even though it’s only twice/week and I’m not doing much in there, I have worked up to 10 minutes and am even able to move my arm and leg a bit, to sorta jog in place or make scissor movements with my legs. It’s getting there! I’m still DEAD when I get out and can’t lift my right foot… and it takes a good 24 hours to recover… but I know it will get better. The staff have all said they can see a big difference from my first day, so that’s encouraging!

I need to clean off my memory card to get to all my cat pics. In the meantime though, I’m just glad to be updating! Pictures soon.

I need to VENT, oh my God.

Remember in the past I mentioned I had a neighbour with MS named Richard, who moved out because he didn’t feel safe? No? Well, I did. And in his place moved in a lady I will call “Cindy”. Cindy is in a wheelchair, and I see her out my window almost every day wheeling herself to UnNamed Department Store where she works. I have learned through our brief encounters in the hallway or at the mall that she has cerebral palsy and a boyfriend named Nathan. Every time I see her on that wheelchair pushing herself to work I think “man, that woman has so much courage” and “she needs a power chair”. I mentioned that to her one day, and she told me she was applying for a power chair through Easter Seals. She just needed “one more name” to put down as a contact. This was my first hint that she doesn’t have a lot of support in her life, and of course I gave her my name and number to put down as a contact.

I asked her if she got any home care. She said no. I asked her if she had a proper walker (she can walk a tiny bit, and you can’t be 100% wheelchair bound in these apartments anyway because of the kitchens and bathrooms sizes, so I knew she must use a walker). She said she has a crappy one that breaks when she puts a lot of weight on it. She has no feeling in her legs and feet from the knees down, so it’s safe to say she needs to put weight on it. I told her about home care and to get registered with them, but didn’t take it any further than that at the time.

Yesterday I bumped into Nathan as he was leaving Cindy’s apartment with a bag of garbage. “Just taking out the garbage. Cindy needs a lot of help”. I said “she really needs to look into getting home care!” He said “oh, she can’t afford that.” I gulped. “It’s FREE! I get someone every day!” He looked dumbfounded. So today, while I was going for my little walk up and down the hall with my home care worker, Cindy came out to check her mail. I asked her to please come over and see me if she had time, and since she didn’t start work until 3:00, she came right over.

After talking with her for awhile, I learned that she not only has CP, but suffered a stroke 5 years ago which resulted in a 3 month hospital stay and some permanent disability. Her father committed suicide 15 years ago. Her mother and brother are here, but it doesn’t sound like she sees them much. “They hate Nathan”. I asked about Nathan… how they met, how long they’d been together, and her responses made me ill. For starters, he won’t help her with anything unless she pays him. He’s skitzophrenic. They met about 10 years ago in a food court at a mall. Nathan was there with his girlfriend at the time, also in a wheelchair. He walked up to Cindy, told her she was beautiful, and that he’d like to buy her dinner (in the food court! In front of his girlfriend! SCORE!) Cindy asked “what about your girlfriend?” and he said “oh, she can just take a Handi-Bus home”. Seriously! I was all… “uh… Cindy? Would that not be a sign that he would not be a good boyfriend?” I think she knows, but feels kinda stuck. He takes her grocery shopping and stuff. (As long as he’s paid). I asked her if she ever felt unsafe with him? Oh, yes. She used to live with him but moved out because he was violent. At least she had the smarts/guts to do that, but she can’t seem to get rid of him completely. She relies on the little help he gives her (for pay).

I picked up the phone and called my Home Care nurse to get the main home care number for new registrants. I spent the next hour on the phone with various intake workers and nurses, giving them Cindy’s info. I learned (because I was going between asking Cindy questions and telling the nurse) that Cindy can’t get herself in and out of her bathtub, and can’t even take a shower (she has a bath bench for showering) because she can’t afford the shower curtain and hand held shower head she needs to take one. FUCK. Seriously? She can’t even afford a fucking shower curtain, yet dickhead takes her money? Guess what I’ll be buying for her next time I get to the mall. She struggles to clean and dress herself, which is all you need to apply for home care. They are sending out an occupational therapist next week to assess her. She should be able to get a decent walker, poles, railings in the tub and other equipment she may need to help her in her home. As well as someone to help with bathing and dressing on a regular basis. I also hope they help her get a power chair… she would sure use it more than I use mine. And I’m pretty sure Easter Seals won’t buy her one unless she has first been turned down by the government. And she hasn’t even gone that route yet.

But that’s a conversation for another day. I will help her write a Client Impact Statement for her application. I’m her self-proclaimed Advocate, now. I can’t make her break up with Nathan, but hopefully I have steered her in a direction that she may not need to rely on him as much and will tell him to leave on her own. Fingers crossed.

I went ahead and purchased a Chi machine. The Canadian website for the Sun Ancon machine never responded to my repeated requests over the past month for more information and price, so they lost my business. I ordered through Chi Now, where they have this lovely video that explains some of the benefits:

Was an opthamologist the best they could do? Seriously, what does that have to do with it?? And I hate the “lose weight” comment, it makes it look like a gimmick. Although, I’ve never seen a fat goldfish hehe.

I’m done shopping now, for a good long while.

My friends The Good Lovelies are in town tonight!! I managed to talk Shawna into going with me. Bless her… she’s not a live music fan, but she is, indeed, a great friend. It’s hard to get people out on a Sunday night!! It’s Caroline’s birthday today too, and since she’s spending it performing tonight, the ladies want to stay an extra day and hang out in Calgary tomorrow to celebrate Caro’s birthday. Then they will all be crashing at my place… I’m not quite sure where I will fit 3 ladies, but I do know it’s been YEARS since I’ve had a slumber party, and it’s going to be fun and giggly. I’m going to need more wine.

I finally got rid of my old computer. It was taking up space on the kitchen table that is going to my brother, and it’s been sitting there for a loooong time. I guess I finally felt safe enough in knowing there is no old data in it somewhere that I will still need. I hopefully deleted every last bit of information on it (I even remembered to delete the Outlook Express folders and address book) and donated it to a non-profit organization that helps get kids off the street by providing them with computers and training so they can get jobs.

So, Green Beaver deodorant doesn’t work, either. I don’t know what to do! Does it take awhile for your body to get used to natural deodorants?? And who wants to go around smelling horrible while you wait for your body chemistry to change?? I dunno. I’m going to try taking 50mg of Zinc every day, because I remember reading if you take that, you shouldn’t need deodorant. Maybe a combination of those things will work. In the meantime, I am wearing my good ‘ol Dove deodorant out tonight!! I am LOVING my JASON body wash, by the way.

Anyway, Shawna is going to be here soon to help me get ready (like I said, very good friend… I don’t get home care on Sundays and since I’m going out, I need help getting into something besides pajamas! Shawna, Kim, Emma, Jason’s mom and my mom have all played this role before. Hell, even Rob once with his eyes closed! hehe. I swear, I have the best friends on earth and I wish I could buy them all Respite vacations!)

Can we stop talking about Britney Spears for five minutes and talk about something IMPORTANT?? Like the fact that The Polyjesters new CD is out and I’m the first name thanked in the liner notes?? And it’s an awesome CD and you can buy your own copy using PayPal or cheque at the Shop on their website? (Individual mp3’s and full digital albums available too). Kitchen Radio, people. It’s the best CD of 2008 and we are only a week into it. Samples of the songs are on their site now, too. And you can hear two full tracks and become a Fan on their Facebook Profile page. So much going on!!

Oh I just noticed that they have a deal in the shop to buy ALL FOUR of their CDs for $50. That is a major great deal!!! Wheeee!!! I’m so super excited about this CD. They are my most favourite band ever, and I don’t need to tell my regular readers how much I love Jason and Sheldon. If you’re not a regular reader, I LOVE JASON AND SHELDON.

And Britney, get some help!!! I don’t want to be reading about your death any time soon.

How’s the new year been treating you so far? Mine has been pretty damn good. My friend Melanie stayed over on NYE and then for a few more days before catching the bus back to Fort MacMurray on Friday morning. (So early that I did not get out of bed to hug her goodbye, she just got a muffled “thanks, bye, good luck, snore” out of me). It was great having her around, she was good company and it’s always nice to have someone here that can help with the basic things that I may fall over while doing. Oh, and she did ALL OF MY LAUNDRY OMG.

I’m feeling rather good these days. Keeping myself on the up and up. I’ve cut my anti-depressant dose down by half so far. Hopefully I’ll be off them completely in another month or so. Then I need to work on the sleeping pills and I’m not looking forward to that!! I have not been sleeping very well lately, even with their help. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, one step at a time.

Yesterday my mom, Bob and I went to Red Lobster for lunch. I had chicken tenders (not a seafood fan, but I’ll go there ANY DAY for the garlic cheese biscuits) and did you know I prefer broccoli over fries as my side dish?? I really do. I wish every restaurant gave broccoli as a choice of side. I’m not a salad fan, so “soup, salad or fries?” quite often ends up as fries. But I sure love me some broccoli, I would eat it every day if you cooked it up for me.

Speaking of cooking for me, I’m patiently awaiting my first food order from Cooking For You. I’m starving, so I hope it gets here soon. I’ve got a hankerin’ for some butter chicken curry!! Or maybe Greek meatballs? And parsley mashed potatoes. Ohhhh, hurry! I hope today is my delivery day and not Thursday. She told me Mondays, but I think it’s Thursdays because I’m south of Highway 1. Argh! I’m so hungry I may just have to make some soup to tide me over until I know for sure.

5 minutes later…. so I was just about to make some soup, tearing open the package, when there was a knock at my door. The rental office accepted the delivery for me earlier in the day when I was out, and decided to bring it over now EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN HOME FOR HOURS. Anyway, meatballs and mashed potatoes are defrosting in the microwave while I try to keep my cats from chewing up the huge styrofoam cooler the food was delivered in. I’ll get back to this after I eat, so….hungry….might….die.

I feel much better now. That was really good! Tomorrow I’ll try the butter chicken curry and I’m already planning my next order.

Yesterday I received a lovely note from Kate, who works at the women’s shelter our Pay It Forward project helped. Part of her note said “I do want to tell you one thing that you did with the gifts. I have a client who left an incredibly abusive relationship with 2 small children & she was 5 months pregnant. She has scrimped and saved and been put through the mill with lawyers and no money, etc. She was the first person to choose some gifts you had sent. She was soooo grateful that she had tears of joy at my truck - because of you! So from her & those who also recieved some gifts you had sent - a HUGE BIG ENORMOUS HUG and many thanks!” So… thanks also to all of you who donated! Yay us!

Another new release I must mention is Shauna Reid’s book, The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. I started reading Dietgirl just as Shauna was planning her move to Scotland… late 2002. Wow, over 5 years ago! Shauna is amazing. I’m so happy she wrote a book, she’s such a brilliant, funny, and down to earth writer (and person, I’m guessing). I’m anxiously awaiting my copy of the book to arrive in the mail, autographed by Shauny herself. I’m not reading any other books at the moment because I don’t want to be in the middle of anything else when it arrives! Hopefully Amazon.ca will have it back in stock soon… otherwise everyone has to order it from the UK! Maybe copies will start showing up on eBay soon

Speaking of eBay (see that? Great shopping-related transition) I have curbed my addiction somewhat, out of necessity obviously. There is only so much money and so much closet space. However, I found a great deal on a couple MP3 players. I never have owned an iPod, (for shame, I know) but all my music is in mp3 format anyway and I don’t really plan on using it a lot. I’m a little adverse to headphones. I figure one for music and one for my meditation and Laws of Attraction CDs and stuff like that. I think listening to The Secret Meditation CD every night is helping… I mean, it certainly can’t hurt, and I am feeling better these days. Considering I’m weaning off anti-depressants, that says something, I think.

Beautiful Pepper in front of my beautiful new monitor. Jealous, much??

It’s Christmas Eve day. 10 days since I last updated! My excuse is that my vision is still double and my balance is still way off and I’ve been feeling crappy, and I don’t like writing when I’m feeling crappy. Because it’s all I seem to focus on and it doesn’t do any of us any good to focus on the ill health of anyone.

Which brings me to the reason for today’s post. A few days ago I started listening to a 5 CD set called The Law of Attraction: The Teachings of Abraham. It’s amazing, and it makes me wish I had never given any of my money to the marketing machine infomercial that is The Secret. THIS is The Secret, but Abraham’s been teaching it a lot longer, and better.

It’s that same old principle… we are what we think. Our thoughts create our life experiences, good and bad. Ever notice that the person who speaks often about ill health, has it? (Hello!) NO MORE!!! Ahhh I’ve said it a million times. Seriously, though, I have to stop. I have to stop talking with people about the “rough times I’m going through” with my health, or how much of a downward spiral I seem to be in the past couple years with regards to it, etc. etc. People ask me all the time because they care, but I need to steer that conversation towards something more positive.

I’ve only listened to the first 3 of the 5 CDs and I already know it is the best purchase I’ve made in a long time. Once you can get past the weird stuff… that Abraham is a spiritual entity channeled by Esther Hicks, and speaks through her physical being… and actually listen to what he/they have to say, it is very powerful and makes a lot of sense. Yesterday I took a few hours with CD #2 and typed out some of it, so that I can read it out loud every day. It’s the part where they talk about the “workshop” you spend time in every day to think about and feel the emotions involved in what you want, and begin deliberate creation. We are magnets, and what we think about the most and talk about the most draws to us more of the same. So think the good stuff to GET the good stuff.

I made a Law of Attraction Workshop page. Every word is taken from that CD as Abraham spoke. If you find it useful, you can refer to it whenever you want, as well. Better yet, buy the CDs, because this is only a fraction of the approximately 6 hours of discussion on the CDs!

Pay It Forward Update

The final amount raised was $580, and I spent every penny of it and more. When Kim was here on the 14th, she brought it all back with her the next day. Her sister works for the shelter so it was all delivered. I’m assuming the ladies and kids will be getting stockings and gift bags to open Christmas morning, and our gifts will be included in that. A lot of the items I purchased off eBay, cutting that off Nov. 20 to give the items time to get here. Everything arrived in great condition and on time, except this one woman I bought a bunch of Avon stuff from… I paid Nov. 19 and just received them last week. They weren’t shipped until Dec. 6!!! I was SO upset. What the hell am I supposed to do with 40 lip balms??? I spent $70 of my own money on that lot of stuff. She got some negative feedback from me, that’s for sure. Anyway, some of the make up I will keep (mascaras) and I gave the slippers to my home care worker. Next time I see Kim I’ll probably just give her the rest to drop off at the shelter another time. The make up is brand new, there are 40 sealed lip balms, and 4 new bottles of body iotion…

Anyway, if you include that lot, I spent $673 so even without all that, I did not waste any of YOUR money! Thank you again to everyone who contributed!!!

Oh, remember last entry I mentioned that my friend Pam gave me those healing stones? And that the Jade went flying across the room somewhere when I went to put it under my pillow? Well, last night I decided to take the two other stones I had tucked in my pillowcase at the bottom of my pillow out, because today I’d ask my home care worker to change the bed sheets. I didn’t want the stones flying out when she removed the pillowcase. So, I reached my hand in to retrieve the two stones I knew where there… and pulled out three. The Jade was there. WTF?? Seriously?? So, what’s that, a ghost? Or maybe just my home care worker found the Jade on the floor and being from India, knew what it was for and put it with the others. I guess I could have asked her, but I kind of like the *not knowing*. That’s way more fun.

So if I haven’t freaked you out yet with all my spiritual new age frou frou talk, I’ll end this by wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, etc. etc. I hope you have a safe and warm holiday with lots of love, food, and frolic! My brother is coming over and we’ll get that food part down good, I think. Mom left us one of her amazing cheese balls!!

Pita wishes you a Merry Christmas

Pepper also wishes you a Merry Christmas

I figured I should update y’all on the Pay It Forward project. So far, I have collected $550! See, all your little $10-15-20 contributions added up. Some people gave even larger amounts, which is so awesome. This week I received $100 (combined), so yesterday I went and picked up some more pajamas and a few more things from Dollarama (brushes, soap). I’m trying to keep photos of what I’ve bought up to date at Flickr. Later today my friend Kim arives and she’s staying the night, so on Saturday she will bring everything I’ve bought so far to the shelter. I’m not done yet, though… I’m making December 23 the official cut-off for contributions, giving me one last day to shop, before the remainder of what I get goes to the shelter on Christmas day. I was hoping to reach at least the $800 mark, but I’ve done pretty good! My living room is pretty full of stuff, but we need MORE PAJAMAS.

So, to sum it up: if you haven’t contributed yet, you have until December 23 to do so! Use the paypal button at the end of the entry, or email me (donna@innereyes.com) for other payment options. Thank you all SO MUCH!! (All money is going towards buying necessities for the women and children escaping abusive relationships at CAWES. A quick peek at their website just now tells me that Alberta has the highest rate of family violence in Canada, and leads the country in domestic assault, homicide-suicide amd stalking. Oh, yay for us. *shudder*

My vision is still double, and it’s REALLY annoying. Screws up my balance and everything, too. It’s been over two weeks… I sure hope it’s temporary!! I went blind in 1999 for 6 weeks, and that went away (leaving my right eye messed up, but at least I could see again) so I am hoping this is like that. No longer than 6 weeks!!! Double vision 24 hours a day SUCKS ASS.

Last weekend we did Christmas early. It was the only time my mom and brother could both be here… my brother is moving this weekend, and Mom and Bob leave next week for New Brunswick. They’re spending Christmas with Bob’s family out there (including all his grandkids!) So my brother came over here, which he hasn’t been able to do for months. His work is keeping him soooo busy, and now moving. We exchanged gifts; of course, money towards my new electronic lift chair was my main gift I already received, but I still got a few other things. My mom can’t handle not having presents for us to open! I got a new microwave oven, which is awesome. I’ve had this old thing I got used, many years ago, without a turntable thingy, and it did an awful job. The new one is great, stuff is heating up way faster, and evenly! Yay. I also got a nice large basket to collect my recycled bottles and cans (instead of the green garbage bag I had been using), and a shower shelf to keep all my bathroom stuff on! Mom gave us stockings filled with goodies that I am quickly making my way through. Darren gave me a DVD (Number 23) and the one I ordered for him didn’t arrive until this past Monday, so he’ll get it on Christmas. We are doing our own little Christmas this year, just us.

Oh, and before my brother came over, my friend Pam popped by for a bit. She brought me a mini-loaf of her freshly baked banana chocolate chip bread, as well as some great pressies (hemp soaps and candle, and some healing stones). I’m not sure how to use the stones, but that is why we have Google. Last night I decided to take the Jade stone (for sleep problems) and keep it under my pillow for the night. Why not, right? I’m desperate to get off sleeping pills and will try anything. The plan was, to put the stone inside my pillowcase, under the pillow. Not to drop it as I was getting into bed, and have no idea where it ended up.

I bought a cheap CD player for my bedroom, and have been listening to various relaxation CDs to try and get to sleep without pharmaceuitcal interference. It’s not happening yet, but it may take time!

Anyway, Saturday night my mom stayed over, and between Saturday night and Sunday, lots was done around here. My office became a place I am able to work in again, and a few trips to the garbage dumpster were made. My place is “tidy” again, which makes such a huge difference. This vision/balance things has made every move more difficult and I’ve been feeling so useless. I wonder if I’ll be weaning off my anti-depressants any time soon? I’m still seeing my psychologist at the mind/body medicine clinic, and next week I’ll be talking to the psychiatrist there about getting off these meds. I figure it will be basic weaning, 10mg less every couple weeks or so until I’m off them. I don’t want to need them. Being sad because your vision is fucked up and you’re unable to do even the most basic of tasks for yourself is totally normal. Even on the dose I am taking, I’ve been breaking down in tears a lot lately. Which is to be expected, who wouldn’t? So I’m not sure pills are what I need. What I need, is a Time Machine to take me back to this night (I was thinking about it last night - how good I felt, how much healthier I was, how that is the night Jason and I officially became Friends, not just acquaintances, the clothes I could fit into, the just needing a cane and sometimes not even that…) When Jason was helping me into his van a couple weeks ago, I made a comment about how much things had changed since the first time I got into that van and didn’t need more than a little boost. Now it is a workout for everyone involved. I’m heavier, my MS is worse, my emotions are heavier… Jason, always the sweetie, said “you’re still the same Donna to me. You’re doing great! You’re fine! You have up and down waves with this. You’ll be just fine and I think you’re doing great”. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I love that man.

Okay, where was I before I got off on a “woe is me” tangent?? Oh, my place being tidy thanks to my mom and brother. Yes. And, of course, my home care worker helps me so much too!! I’m so grateful for that.

This week, so far, has been quiet. Lots of reading, working, going to the post office… AH picked me up from work on Wednesday, which was nice. I haven’t seen him in ages. He’s taken on an office painting project BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SAY NO which is taking up his evenings and weekends. And somewhere in there he has to bring his kids Kinder Eggs every night. He started it, and now he has to keep it up hahaha!

Tonight will be nice, with Kim here. We’re going for dinner, and hopefully to see live music… but it will depend on how I feel… I’ve been such a party pooper lately. I’ve canceleed so many plans I’ve had because of my current condition. Pleeeeeease let it be temporary!!!

Pita missed her calling

As a Tightrope Walker.

Another week goes by, another update… I meant to do one earlier, but I had a fall on Tuesday night, hit the back of my head, and knocked my equilibrium out. It’s been difficult to see at all, everything is blurry and spinning, and never mind my balance. Non-existent! Computer time has been fairly minimal. Yesterday I saw my chiropractor and he made some adjustments and gave me some homeopathic drops. I’m not as spinny today, but my vision is still really bad; blurry and seeing double. He said it would take a couple days to straighten out, and to take these drops every 1-2 hours, so hopefully that will help. I see my regular doctor on Wednesday as well, so I’ll see what he says if it’s not better by then. I’ve never gone for an IV cortisone drip like most MSers have at one time or another, and this is the first time in my life I’m actually considering it. Whatever will help my vision and balance get back to how it was before, which was bad enough!

Anyway, I’ve been busy since my last update. On Monday night I was taken out for awesome Indian food by two of my favourite people, Jason and Sheldon. We pigged out. Oh, my, I love that stuff… samosas, pokora, curry, vindaloo, butter chicken, naan bread… yum!! We were sort of celebrating the completion of their new CD artwork, on which I worked hard editing the lyrics. So they took me to dinner as a thank you. And, because it had been a loooong time since we’d hung out! Anyway, the CD is ALL done now, and should be ready to buy in time for Christmas. Keep an eye on their website and Facebook group for the latest updates!

Lovely self-portrait attempt of me and Jason

I love Jason!!

Sheldon and the FOOD. Sooooo good.

Pay It Forward update:

On Tuesday, I went to the mall and piled up on things for the ladies and kids at the shelter… I bought many pairs of pajamas and slippers! The store that had slippers 2 for $15 last week now has them at 2 for $12! We now have about 10 pairs of ladies slippers (sizes 5 - 10) and 6 pairs of kids. I bought some 2 piece pajama sets in a variety of sizes (small to 3X) and a couple nightgowns. I also took a swing through Dollarama for hair brushes and emery boards. I added a few pictures to the Flickr album, but I kept everything in the boxes because it is just too hard to lay it all out to take photos, I hope you understand! (The cutest slippers are at the bottom of the box. Darn!) Anyway, I’m getting lots of stuff, but still need more! Thanks to everyone who has contributed so far, and if you re able to help out (all $$ is going to buy necessities for the Central Alberta Women’s Emergency Shelter) please use the PayPal button below, or contact me (donna@innereyes.com) to send money another way.

Tuesday night I fell trying to close the office door behind me to LOCK PITA IN to keep her from running outside when I was going to open the front door. That damn cat! I love her to pieces, but she has caused me about 4 falls now (including the one when I broke my wrist) because she always has to run for the frickin’ door and out into the hallway. I don’t know what to do with her!! I can’t chase her or even bend over to pick her up without falling, so she gets out there and then I have to wait until someone else comes along to help, or she jumps up on my walker (at which point I can lift her inside) or she comes back in on her own accord. Which she doesn’t do anymore, because she likes the hallway… she knows behind every other door is a person who could potentially pay attention to her. Every time someone enters the hall, I ask them to “please scare my cat back inside!” and they go “awwww, she’s so cute…” and pet her and give her love. So of COURSE she wants to be out there! Sigh. The landlord has given me shit because “cats are not allowed in the halls, people have allergies” but I can’t HELP IT!

Wednesday morning, blurry eyed and screwy visioned/unbalanced and all, I had to go to a client’s. The second I opened the door, Pita raced between my legs and was out in the hall. Roaming up and down, crying at every door, looking for attention. Rolling on her back, showing off her cute tummy, waiting for someone to come along and snuggle her. I stood in the hallway with my winter coat on, which made me really hot; they keep our hallway at a ridiculously hot tempertaure, made only worse when you are already wearng your coat. Normally I am just walking out, so it doesn’t affect me much; but this time, I couldn’t leave until Pita was back inside, and the heat was really getting to me. The heat combined with Pita frustration got to be too much… then a door opened at the end of the hall, and Pita ran towards it. Three people exited the suite, including my landlord, who was showing an apartment to these two other people. Oh, crap. “No pets??” said one man. “uh - cats are allowed” said my landlord, as she shot me a dirty look. I was almost in tears. The heat, Pita being a brat, PMS, embarrassment… I cried out “she keeps running out the door and I CAN’T GET HER!!” (I may have stomped my feet like a 3 year old) My landlord tried to calm me down by saying, “it’s okay, I got her…” picked Pita up and put her inside my apartment. I apologized and said “I am JUST SO HOT” and she said she wasn’t allowed to turn down the heat. (Year round sauna in our halls, it’s nuts!) Anyway, I tried to keep my stupid tears at bay as those two men commented on how cute my cat was, and then went outside in the cold air to wait for my ride to work. Within seconds in the cool air I felt better… it’s so weird how that is.

Oh yeah, also on Tuesday I received a call from UPS about my electronic lift chair that I had ordered off eBay (to save $$). Because it was coming from the U.S., and was in a huge cardboard box. it was considered freight, and I needed to hire a broker to get it through Customs. Ack! I was referred to a one-time brokerage firm, and they helped me with the paperwork and charged me over $100. Thankfully, I only had to pay broker fees and GST. N0 duty. Thank GOD. The chair then crossed the border Tuesday night, and would be delivered on Thursday.

Thursday I was supposed to go out for dinner with my friend Melanie. I told her about my condition after my fall, and that it would be best if I didn’t go anywhere. So she offered to come over and hang with me instead, order food in, stuff like that. Cool! I received the call from UPS about my chair around noon, and they said it would be here within the hour. Then Melanie called, and asked if she could come over now, because she had been out shopping and didn’t feel like going home and then all the way out here again. Okay, sure, but I’m not even DRESSED. Anyway, UPS arrives… one guy with this huge cardboard box on a dolly. “I can’t get it through the doors” he says. “Can’t you take it out of the box?” I ask. He’s not authorized to do that… “we’re not furniture movers… we just deliver to your door. I can leave it on your patio.” (He couldn’t get it through my patio doors because of that big pole I have in the middle). So, brand new electronic lift chair on the patio in the freezing cold. There is no way Melanie would be able to lift it in. So, I call my client Troy… he does upholstery work and has big Sprinter vans and technicians who are used to moving around furniture. Fingers crossed, “Hi Troy, it’s your favourite bookkeeper…” wink wink. Troy, because he is amazing and awesome, was at my place within an hour with one of his techs, Dave. (I managed to quickly shower and throw clothes on just in time for Mel’s arrival moments before). They unpacked the chair, moved it inside, set it up (”we work on these kinds of chairs so if you ever have any problems, we probably have the parts to fix it”), removed my old ripped up recliner and all the cardboard to take to the dump, and were off. Talk about service!!! If you are in the Calgary area and own or buy a piece of furniture from a major retailer (La-Z-Boy, Leon’s, The Brick, etc.) and it needs repair, you tell them you want Customer Choice Upholstery to do the repair!!!

So, in the end, the chair is here, safe and sound, and it is perfect… however, I am very lucky to know someone like Troy. Otherwise I may have ended up needing to pay a furniture mover a LOT of money to come on such short notice and do all of that! Plus to remove the old chair… a junk removal place had quoted me $111! I emailed the eBay seller and warned him to advise any other potential Canadian customers (I was his first) of the extra fees and work involved with getting their chair moved in. The chair cost me $999 US, plus $175 UPS shipping plus $105 broker fees… still a savings overall (this chair costs about $2,000 here) but I’m going to have to get Troy and Dave nice thank-you gifts!!

This is why it’s called a Lift chair. No more struggling to get up! (Spots are from my camera. Oops)

Fully reclined. Everything important within reaching distance… latte, water, vitamins, drops, remotes, books, kleenex…

Melanie and I broke out a bottle of wine, watched Elf, ordered Chinese food and just hung out. We were celebrating her birthday (which had been on Monday) and the fact that she landed a sweet 3 month contract working up in Fort MacMurray for mega $$. She left Saturday. I hope it works out for her!

Me and Mel at Pam’s birthday party a couple weeks ago!

Friday my monthly housekeeper came, which was good because I am pretty useless for any of that at the moment. Melanie had helped me load the dishwasher and stuff the night before. My intentions of working on Friday were tossed out the window… I’m just too OUT of it. I just watched a movie that night with one eye and spent a lot of time cuddling kitties in my new chair.

Saturday (yesterday) was the chiropractor, and hopefully I’m on my way back with my equilibrium. My mom and Bob took me out to eat at this Asian place they had tried once before, but I was not a big fan. LOVED my spring rolls, but hated my curry… I guess an Asian restaurant isn’t the best place to get a curry dish. I sent it back because the chicken was nothing but stringy fat. Gross! Most of the menu was pork or seafood dishes. I’d rather stick to my Favourite Vietnamese Restaurant and my #50 chicken satay, any day of the week!

Today I slept in something awful, (I mean, I slept in late, not that I slept in… like… something other than my bed) and finally decided to shower around 4:30 when I could no longer stand the smell of myself. It’s one of those days…

Time to take more drops and rest my eyes settle in for the night… PayPal link below is for my Pay It Forward project! Thanks!

New favourite hangout - the piles of clothes going to the Salvation Army.