Can You Hear Me Now?

You must, must, must see August Rush.

It’s been an emotional few days. First, my friends Lisa and Russ got engaged. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later, it was just a matter of making it official with the ring and stuff! So that was done on Thursday. Then, the worst thing that could ever happen, Lisa’s dad died suddenly on Friday. He had a heart attack while fishing alone out at his cabin. I like to think he made sure his daughter was going to be safe and happy in her life by getting engaged to a great guy, and then he went off to his favourite place to go fishing, and died peacefully and quickly doing what he loved, knowing his kids were going to be fine (Lisa’s brother is getting married in a few weeks). I just can’t believe it happened, so close to Father’s Day, and he was only 62. I LOVED Lisa’s dad. I talked about him in this entry a few years ago, the first time I spent Christmas Eve with Lisa’s family. I’m heartbroken, and can’t even begin to imagine what Lisa, her mom, and her family are going through. It looks like, after the first funeral I ever attended was for Lisa’s uncle, that my second will be her father’s. It’s so very sad.

Saturday morning is when I learned of Sam’s death, as it happened late the night before. The news came in an email from Lisa, which I read just as my Home Care worker walked in the door. So I burst into tears as she was asking me how I was, and me and crying are kinda ugly. I’m one of those criers who can’t talk or breathe when I’m crying. So it’s rather useless to try to get anything out of me. Poor Harpal, she had no idea what was going on. I managed to calm down while in the shower and was able to tell her what had happened when I got out, but that just made me start blubbering even harder all over again. You know how it is… anyway, I managed to pull myself together by the time my mom and Bob arrived to take me to the chiropractor, but there was no point in putting on make-up, lemme tell ya. I even remembered to bring my chiropractor the sonic mole repellers I got for him off eBay. He’s been wanting some for awhile and wasn’t able to find them/order any himself from anywhere. So in comes me, eBay expert extraordinaire! He was very pleased.

My mom stayed over on Saturday, and you would not recognize my office!! She re-organized everything. Well, I helped a little, but she totally outdid herself. My air conditioner (did I mention I got an A/C for my birthday? Wheee!) was being installed on Sunday, so I needed some help with my filing and getting stuff out of the way to make room for moving the filing cabinet to the other wall and re-arranging things a bit. My mom has a tendency to overdo it and would not stop until she was happy. Gee, I wonder where I get it from? Anyway, she worked her arse off until I made her sit down and watch a movie with me. August Rush. We cried and cried and cried, so the second it ended I sobbed “okay, now you have to watch PS I Love You!” (The whole cute Irish musician theme was going on with me… I WANT ONE). I really love Video on Demand, especially since I received my last bill and none of the movies I had rented in May were on it. So on Sunday, we watched Dan in Real Life, because I love Steve Carell and it was time for another dose of him. I cannot WAIT for Get Smart.

I had a dream about Steve Carell last night. I drempt that he was just like his character on The Office in real life, and I was the only one who truly understood him and loved him (SO not true, I would smack Michael Scott quite hard at times if I knew him, but in my dream he was the love of my life) and it broke my heart to watch him try so hard with other women who just didnt get him and dumped him harshly. I was his best friend who was always there to pick up the pieces, and he had no idea how I felt, and I just couldn’t tell him. I was so angry at these women who treated him like shit and didn’t realize what they had, and wished so hard he would just SEE ME. I do believe I have played that scenario out in real life on a couple occasions with male friends in my past. It never ended happily; no Vanessa Williams song here. Oh, and I was doing some sort of treasure hunt thing with all the cast of The Office on my team, Jim being the leader, Michael being at home crying over his last girlfriend, and me running over there whenever I had a break from the treasure hunt to tell him it would all be okay.

Aaaanyway, my A/C was hooked up on Sunday thanks to handyman Ian, a friend of my mom and Bob’s. He brought his puppy Rosie over, and while Pepper ran and hid in my bedroom, Pita stayed in the living room by the coffee table and just stared. Rosie ran around my apartment sniffing everything and chewing cat toys, and then she spotted Pita. She wanted to play, she meant no harm, she wandered over in Pita’s direction. Pita hissed and hissed at Rosie and eventually Rosie went away. But then she came back, and when she got too close, Pita hissed and SMACKED Rosie across the face, claws first. Rosie whimpered as only a puppy can, and ran away. Poor little Rosie. Mean little Pita. She does NOT like dogs, and I don’t know why, because she’s been an indoor cat since the day she was born, so it’s not like she’s ever had a bad run in with one. Two other dogs have been around her in the past, all perfectly sweet and harmless (and very small), but Pita would have none of it and Pepper always hid. I guess we know who’s boss around here.

Today, I got up and sat in my clean and organized office and turned on the A/C just because I could. Actually, it’s warming up this week, so it was good timing getting it installed yesterday. Not that it’s HOT out, but the sun beats in here pretty strongly and heats up my apartment… I tend to need a fan on me when it wouldn’t be necessary if my windows faced another direction. But today was a gorgeous day!! My friend Joelle picked me up and we went to My Favourite Vietnamese restaurant (next time we'’ll go to hers) and chowed down. Then we went to her place, stopping for a Slurpee on the way. I haven’t had a Slurpee in YEARS! We sat in her yard for hours and I talked so much my speech was slurring really badly. It actually started slurring in the restaurant, which is how I know I’ve talked too much. Also the fact that Joelle was way ahead of me in the eating department. So I told her she needed to do the talking at her place, to give my mouth a rest so I could talk normally again. That didn’t last long, though. I was talking really funny, but Joelle said she could understand me. Tonight, I will NOT be making any phone calls. That’s one of those MS symptoms that only pops up once in a blue moon, but when it does, I need to take a night off from talking. Oh, the horror!

Okay, so, I watched “The Secret” DVD the other night, and I have been sufficiently inspired. I will no longer talk about the negative aspects of my health or fears of getting worse, because it just puts it “out there” in the Universe, and I don’t want that “out there”. Our lives are a manifestation of our thoughts… good and bad. I truly believe that. As I have said before, my MS was in remission and I was doing fine for the first couple years after diagnosis, until I started researching MS and finding out more about it and fearing all these things that “could” happen to me. Whatever you focus on, you get… and I was inadvertently focusing on getting worse and all my fears, and it started to happen. So, no more of that. I want to get better and the only way to do that is to believe I am and will!

Wow, re-reading that old entry was a bit of a wake-up call, too. I need to get back into that frame of mind, it sure was working for me!! I wonder what happened to set me off track? Probably stuff with AH, and then I remember I went to Toronto and that threw me over the “I overdid it” edge. Oh, and messing with my hormones by taking birth control pills again (I’m re-reading old entries, can you tell?? Heh). Anyway, I’m back into visualization and affirmations again, and expect to reap the benefits soon! (Have I ever mentioned that the more I lost use of my right side, the more I would fear falling and breaking my left wrist? “OH MY GOD, what what I do if that ever happened???” I used to think. Well, now I know, because I focused on that fear enough to make sure it happened).

Anyway…

Today was fantastic. I went back to ‘Living Well with a Chronic Illness‘ and re-started the program. Now that I have the walker carrier on my scooter and can actually bring my walker, it is much better. I participated in the 15 minute warm-up, then we all moved to whatever stations we wanted or to education, but since I already attended the first education class on February 1, I skipped that and went straight to exercise. I walked around the gym once, then did some balance exercises, then walked around the gym again, then rested, then sat on one of those big fitness balls and practiced sitting straight and lifting my leg, then walked around the gym 2 more times, then rested, then did strength exercises and stretching with the group. Apparently AH walked in at that time and saw me, because he was picking someone up. Later on he teased me, “I saw you, but you didn’t see me!! You were tying something around your legs.” Ah, the resistance band!

I came home and felt amazing, and still do. I wish I didn’t have to work and stuff, and could just go to classes like that every day. I can’t wait to get in better shape.

There is already a man there with a crush on me. He followed me around for awhile and then finally said “I haven’t seen you around here before”. Wow! Classic!

Speaking of men with crushes on me, that cab driver that lives in my building has never contacted me again. HE is the one that said I was beautiful and “maybe we can get together and watch a movie…” Maybe when/if he found that note I slipped under his door he thought I was being too forward? ‘Cause if he never saw the note, you’d think he would have knocked on my door by now. And HE is the one that said “if you ever need anything or any help, you ask me!”… so I dunno. I’m pretty sure he drove by me when I was on my scooter coming home from the mall a few days ago. He didn’t honk or anything. HMPH.

Anyway…

When I put my right shoe on before leaving today, I felt something in there… I pulled my shoe off and stuck my hand in to pull out a little water bottle cap, courtesy of the kitties. I realized then that I actually went through the entire day yesterday with that in my shoe. I kept thinking, “my toenails sure did get really long, really fast!”

I mentioned to Rob that I want an ion cleanse machine but need about $3,000 US to get one. He thinks we should hold a benefit to raise the money for it, fly me out to Toronto and get him, Lindy, Peter Katz, and a bunch of others to perform. You know, that’s a great idea! Those guys would totally do a show for me, and give all the $$ from ticket sales to me to buy the machine. I know they would! Organizing it and getting me (and Emma, because she must be there too) out to Toronto would be the hard part, but I am “putting it out there” for the universe to take care of. I will get one of those machines, one way or another!

By the way? I love Rob for even suggesting something like that. He is the BEST. I wish I could clone him. Several times over.

ETA: Perhaps I was a little harsh, considering what happened Thursday. Unfortunately, I can’t say I’m surprised. RIP Marilyn Anna.

Today I worked at the Pub, and the driver that picked me up is the same man that walked by me in my building on Monday night and said “hello, beautiful lady”. Number one, SMALL FREAKIN’ WORLD. Number two, it figures he’s a cab driver, doesn’t it?? When does any other breed of male tell me I’m beautiful?? He is not a full-time Access driver, but a regular cab driver who was dispatched for my trip because they’re behind (lots of snow out there!) Therefore he is not prohibited from making a move on me. He made sure to tell me which apartment in my building he lives in, offered to help me any time I need it, and “maybe we can watch a movie together or something”. His nationality? Pakistani. I told you I’m going to marry a Muslim cab driver. (Okay, so, there is a 3% chance he’s not Muslim. But a 97% chance that he is).

I have made some drastic changes to my week due to the fact that I still feel like craaaap. Yesterday I didn’t go to Living Well… in fact I didn’t even get dressed, I just showered and put a nightie on and lazed around all day. Then I called the man who runs the Charity I was supposed to volunteer with on Thursday and apologized that I wouldn’t be able to make it, (thankfully he has someone to cover me, and agrees that a smoky casino is the last place I need to be when feeling like this). Then I called Troy to cancel working there Friday, and told him I’d walk him through payroll over the phone and be in next week instead. I couldn’t cancel the Pub so I went there today, but knowing I’m off the rest of the week helps the stress level. I made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow, because I am sure part of the problem is that I am trying to wean myself off sleeping medication, and therefore not sleeping well at all. I think I need to give up on weaning off and maybe try a new medication and get myself some decent sleep again. I hate relying on sleeping pills, but I need to sleep one way or the other!! Melatonin isn’t working and I think I’m overdosing on it and the side effects are making me tired 24/7, yet unable to sleep.

Oh POO. I just looked up a caffeine guide thingy on the internet and it says that caffeine consumption stays with you all day and can affect your sleeping at night. Judging by the amount I drink (1-2 cups when I get up, maybe a latte anywhere between 1-3:00 pm, although usually decaf if I remember to ask for that). I could have about 75mg of caffeine left in my body when I go to bed. Well. That’s just too bad.

I will talk to my doctor about wanting to wean off sleeping pills, and if he has any suggestions for me besides “stop drinking coffee”.

Is anybody else really bored of Anna Nicole?? Your sweet, innocent, “oh, poor me” act is getting tired. We remember who you are, you know. Just get that baby a DNA test and be done with it, you media whore.

My housekeeper came on Monday. Last time they were here (it’s always someone different, light housekeeping help sent by the City about once/month for people with disabilities) she broke the bench in my bathtub by pulling it out really hard when it isn’t meant to be pulled out! There are strong suction cups on the legs and if you want to move it, you need to slide it and use your fingers to peel them up or whatever. Usually they just clean around it, which I prefer, because if they move it they rarely put it back in the right spot and I have trouble moving it into place. Anyway, she pulled the leg right out and then snuck out of here without saying anything to me. I noticed it about an hour after she left and called them immediately. It took this long for them to get someone out to look at it. Luckily I could still sit on it, as the leg rested on top of the suction cup, it just wasn’t attached so I had to be careful. A man arrived with the housekeeper on Monday to look at it, and today he took it in for repairs. I’ll get it back tomorrow. Finally. It was damaged on March 27! Trust the City to act quickly.

I liked the housekeeper they sent me this time, she was here once before. I wish you could pick who comes out to your place all the time. I’ve only ever called once and said “Please don’t send her again”, because she was exceptionally bad, but usually none of them are THAT great to begin with. They are not professionals like Mini-Maids or something, just young women that have immigrated here from mostly third world countries and are in this two-year program, being paid to do light housekeeping while they learn English, go to school, and figure out what they want to do. That’s why you get someone different most of the time, because they are in a transition anyway. Very sweet girls, all of them, but they’re not even allowed to get down on their hands and knees to scrub something, and most of them dust “around” things and skip dusting what is actually on the table or shelf. Maybe one in five actually dust the telephone and lamp on my nightstand.

Anyway, it’s free, and they vacuum and clean my bathroom and if not for them my shelves would NEVER be dusted (except my mom would probably do it when she comes over because it would drive her nuts), so I can’t really complain.

They’re not going to be cleaning the cat litter box though. Ugh. I love having two kittens, I can’t imagine just having one now, but I could do without twice as much poop to clean up. And I really wonder how something so big can come out of something so small. And so often.

Yesterday I went to the dentist and had a really cute Access driver on the way home. The cutest I’ve seen since AH (but nowhere near as hot). He is definitely single, has an ex-girlfriend here but no ex or current wife thankyouverymuch, he’s 5 years younger than me (not bad), and although his culture is very similar to AH’s and one where the family all lives together etc. etc. he is all by himself in Calgary, his entire family is in Peru. That means his mother, too. He only has two cousins in Toronto that sponsored him into Canada 9 years ago. Hehehe Anyway, I only found this out because the car was full of people and we were all chatting, it wasn’t like he was telling me all of this personally. But he did call me sweetie when he dropped me off. Tee hee!

I submitted a picture of Pita & Pepper to Cute Little Kittens and the next day they were on the “cutest kittens” page with a rating of 8.81. They’re not anymore, so please click here and vote “10″ THANK YOU!!

We don’t always need to snuggle up together…

But we prefer it that way.

I woke up yesterday morning with a couple huge bruises on my legs, the one on my right hip being particularly painful. I won’t be wearing a bikini anytime soon. Yes, that’s my only excuse haha

The first thing I did (as usual) was head to the computer, where I posted on a forum I frequent about a dream I had the night before (Jason joined Lavalife and asked me to check out his matches because he hadn’t had time, and all that he matched with were men – he had accidentally put himself in the Men Seeking Men category Bwahahaha!) Shortly after I posted that, I went back to the forum and was surprised to see it had been hacked! I called Jason (it’s his band’s forum) and he said he’d get on it. Their computer guy has been MIA for months; I think he’s off making porn, that’s where the real money is for those webmaster guys. Heh. Anyways, it’s back up now, and nothing was lost, so that’s cool.

After yakking with Jason, I continued procrastinating work until I received a phone call from a client who was looking for an update on the status of his stuff. Immediately, I sat myself down on the floor, sorted the rest of his receipts, posted what was left, organized it all, and bing bang boom called him back and said he could come get it any time. Go me!

Then it was latte and reading time.

My friend Katrina stayed over last night. Her husband went out of town, and since they work right near me but live across the city, it would be an expensive cab fare for Katrina to go back and forth without Jay (one vehicle, and they work together). I had mentioned a long time ago that she could crash here since I’m so close, if she ever needed to. So she took me up on that yesterday.

We had a really nice evening. She showed up with another bottle of Diet Coke with Lime (”in case you ran out” – I still had one of the two bottles left they bought me last week!) We ordered in food, watched Fever Pitch (cute movie), Oprah, and talked and talked and talked. Or, at least I did. When my words started slurring I knew it was time to give my mouth a break (no, I wasn’t drinking, that is an MS symptom that appears occasionally when I talk a lot. Very occasionally, of course).

I was telling her all about AH and how we met and everything that has happened between us. I discussed how recently, Oprah has been doing some shows on relationships and has mentioned the book “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, and even had him on the show. One of his theories is that we draw people to ourselves that most can reflect and help you to heal the wounds of your past. Oprah said she would not still be in her relationship if she hadn’t read that book 18 years ago, and to “stay” when there is a conflict until “you have learned the lesson you need to learn”. AH is that example in my life because, like every other man from my past, I pushed him away when I figured he wasn’t living up to my expectations. I took so many things personally, jumped to conclusions, drew suspicions about him that were entirely untrue (I know now – at the time, I was assuming and guessing, and wrong!). And then, I cut him out, because that’s just what I do. That was in late September. Then, in mid-November, his first day back driving with Access after 6 months of not, he showed up at my door. His first day back, he was sent to me. Not by his choice or mine. That is when I realized I still had something left to learn here… we had unfinished business.

It was about a month later, that night in December when he couldn’t come pick me up and I didn’t believe that his car had actually broken down… until he sent his buddy from across the city instead… that I realized. Oh, My God. I have been so wrong. This man has never lied to me, he is everything he has ever presented himself to be to me, a man of honour, character and integrity. Of course he is human and has flaws and made mistakes, but he never “treated me badly” as I have stated. I saw a lot of the good stuff in the past, but I also found reasons not to see it. And this past few months of talking more frequently and becoming good friends has sealed that for me. So what have I learned?? Number One, not to take things so personally. It’s not about me, or because of me, we all have our “stuff”, and when our friends and partners are sorting theirs out, we need to know it’s not about “me” and try to be patient instead of jumping to conclusions or being in a hurry to just write them off (I’m so good at that - sometimes it is truly necessary, but not always). When the core of that person is good and true and honest and solid and worth it… let it go.

After Katrina left in the morning I showered and dressed and got started on another client’s work while I waited for another one to pick his up. After he left, I called AH to say “hi”. He was at the drive-thru getting lunch. I heard him order a Double Whopper combo w/ Coke. “Double Whopper!” I exclaimed. He said he’s depressed and is eating whatever he wants. I absolutely CAN NOT identify, sorry! Heh. He’s having some problems with his hearing and this ringing in his ear, and is having to wait to see specialists. He’s supposed to be seeing some one over in Northgate which is across from me, but we couldn’t figure out who or what clinic is over there. “Let me take my scooter over and go look!” I said. He said no, no, no, don’t be silly, but I figured what the hell, it’s a gorgeous day, and that would be a great excuse to get out of the house and go for a ride.

We continued to talk and I told him some of the things I had on my mind as mentioned above, and apologized to him for some of my past behaviour. He accepted my apology with grace, which I think often takes more character than giving one. I also thanked him for his patience with me, and the big lesson I hope I have finally learned. Time will tell, I guess. I’ll try not to mess up with the next guy, and hope that he is actually available.

After I hung up, I took my scooter out and went across the bridge over to Northgate. I checked out the businesses in the strip mall – I knew there were places like Staples, a Dollar Store, Shoe Warehouse, etc. – but I never knew there was a little Vietnamese restaurant in the corner!! I got very excited. I do live (summer weather) scooter distance to Vietnamese food! It’s amazing what you can find right in front of your face when you open your eyes

I saw no sign of an ear related medical clinic. A couple chiropractors, family practitioners (hmmm… two female doctors… wonder if they are taking new patients??), accountants… I called AH from outside the Professional offices and told him what I saw, and read him the tenant list. When I got to “Men’s Crisis Center” he stopped me and said “do you think that’s where I am going?” (remember… he’s not from this country, he doesn’t understand everything, he thinks his ear is a crisis). I said “Are you losing your hearing because your wife is beating you?”. “Oh”. Heh.

Anyway, since I was over on that side of the train tracks, I stopped at the Starbuck’s in Safeway to get my latte and then rode home. When I got here my voice mail had a message from AH, playing some country song from the radio and singing along dramatically. I laughed my ass off. No word yet on AH returning to his wife for sure, but it doesn’t matter to me now. Today helped me decide he’ll always be a part of my life, even if I have to become her best friend! hehe

I don’t have my kitten yet. I do have the litter box, some food, a cat bed, some spray to keep him from clawing my couch, and food/water bowls. I still need the actual cat litter (will need help with carrying that one) and a few other things like a scratching post, spray catnip (that stuff works great, as I recall), toys… I also need to clear stuff out of my office closet to make room for that gigantic litter box. I’ve got a lot of old computer junk stored in there and an old air conditioner that needs to be removed. I’ll need help with all that, too. THEN it will be time to bring home the kitty. I’m hoping in a couple weeks. It’s my birthday present, so it just has to be before May 1.

I may have inadvertently sent AH back to his wife. It would take too long to explain “how” exactly and the conversation we had, but it led him to thinking about some things and talking to his wife again (they have been separated two years). They are just talking right now, but getting back together may be a very good thing considering they have small children, and I’m all for keeping a family together if at all possible. It may also be a not-so-good thing considering the problems they’ve had over the years, and it’s not exactly a good thing to raise children in an environment where no one is happy and the parents are frustrated and resentful of each other. It’s not for me to say either way, we’ll just see what happens. All I know is, on a selfish note, I don’t want to lose him, and I will. It would be completely inappropriate for us to be friends if he goes back to his wife. AH said “why, we’re not doing anything…” but I see it differently. I am single, I am HIS friend only and we talk all the time and she does not know me, we have slept together… it’s just not appropriate in so many ways. Not to mention the fact that I am still incredibly attracted to him and don’t see that ever changing. I would have to gracefully step out of his life, and I know I would cry for days because I already have been lately at the mere thought of it. He’s become a huge part of my life and I realize now that I have been wrong about him in a lot of ways. He really is everything he has ever presented himself to be to me. When I read this paragraph in Dietgirl’s blog the other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks: “my crushing self-doubt made me doubt other people’s sincerity and motives - I’ve been untrusting and paranoid. I’ve let friendships be ruined because I felt so crappy about myself — I just assumed everyone else felt the same”. I have done that, most certainly with men, and most DEFINITELY with AH. My suspicions, paranoia and distrust of him have been completely unfounded. He is who he is and the way he is and has never misrepresented himself to me. I’ve read into things and tried to analyze things and came to some wrong conclusions about him and for that I am sorry. Not that I can apologize to him, because he doesn’t really know… this has all been behind his back when talking with girlfriends and stuff, but I’m sure he sensed it too and was probably on the receiving end without my even realizing it.

Whatever will be, will be. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and things will work out the way they are meant to, which actually helps me feel a bit better. If AH is meant to get back with his wife and be a family again, then that’s great for him and I will wish him the best. I’ve always said I was prepared to have my heart broken by this man, should my heart ever get into it… which it has now, because we’ve actually been getting to know each other over the past few months of talking several times a week, and I’ve learned a lot about him. He’s dug his way in. Did I mention he finally came to see the Polyjesters with me last week?? And loves them? And tore open their CD immediately and it’s always playing in his car now? Yeah. Way to get into MY heart!!

Anyway, such is life. My heart will break, I will cry, I will get over it eventually and move on. It is inevitable. Because if he doesn’t get back together with his wife, there would be someone else eventually… and in the meantime, what am I hanging around for? Developing feelings for a man that isn’t available to me and that I 99.999% surely would never end up with is what I am notorious for. I guess because it is safe.

Sigh.

Okay, enough of my reflective babble that further proves how messed up I am when it comes to men. I’ve had a busy week filled with a lot of work, and then on Thursday I went and got pampered at the salon (yay, tax time money!). My hair was cut and coloured and I received a fabulous pedicure that included an amazing foot and lower leg massage. She was awesome. It looks like the salon may become a new bookkeeping client as well, because my hair dresser just took it over March 1 and needs someone. We talked and she showed me her files and records, and I told her to bring it all by in about a month when she has a couple bank statements and more to do. I see free hair cuts in my future.

I was supposed to go see the Polyjesters that night again too, but I felt tired and crappy so I needed to stay in. Which was very unfortunate, considering my hair will never look like that when I do it.

Tonight my friend Kim is coming in to town from Red Deer and we’re going to meet Michelle at the Beatles tribute the Polyboys are performing in. Should be a lot of fun! I love it when Kim stays over. Maybe we’ll get Tim Horton’s in the morning again!

We all know how important it is to love yourself. I know I posted a great entry about that last year. Have I done anything about it? Not really. I went to those Psych-K sessions back in January, but like everything else I start up, I never continued with doing the exercises at home so the positive effects didn’t last. I need to get back into it. I need to get back to meditating and visualizing. I need to get back into affirmations. I should, I know, I should, I know, I should, I KNOW!!! ARGH!! There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not hard on myself or criticizing myself or shoulding all over myself. It really has to stop, but I don’t know how to make it stop.

On Sunday I had a client over. She is a funky fashion designer, a former TV journalist, a total sweetheart, works in public relations for a famous athletic team, and is drop dead gorgeous to boot. She is as fit and healthy as can be, visits the gym daily, and is probably a size 0 or 2. She is 47 and looks 32 and has a radiant smile that would light up any room. While filling out her tax info, I asked if she was divorced or single (because I know she’s not married now, but at 47 she certainly could have been). She said “single”. As we were chatting later, I asked her if she had a boyfriend or anything, and commented that a knock out like her must have men banging down the door. She disagreed. We talked a bit about our single-ness situations and the patterns we seem to have with men, and it turns out we are very alike that way. That was a shock to me. I realized being thin and gorgeous doesn’t necessarily make it easier to love yourself and believe you are worthy of love. We talked about how you attract to yourself what you believe you deserve, and if your self talk is negative, so will be the men you attract. I can’t believe I have THIS in common with a woman I would have figured could get any man she wanted!

It really comes from within. All too often we look outside of ourselves for that validation. If he wants me, then I am okay. If he tells me I am beautiful, then I am. If he wants to have sex with me, then I am desirable. So what happens when “he” isn’t there? He can’t fix what is broken inside of us. He is just a band-aid. Those women we call whores and sluts, that sleep around with different men all the time, are no different than I am. We have the same pain, we just look for the band-aids in different places, whether it be men, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping… Somewhere along the way we started to believe we weren’t worthy. How do we un-do it? How do we heal our own insides, so that what “he” thinks doesn’t matter, because we will know it ourselves? Then we will attract someone that is worthy of all we have to offer, because we will truly believe we have ALL THAT to offer.

So that’s what is on my mind today.

I am going to end up marrying a Muslim Access cab driver. I am quite sure of this, as they seem to be the only men I meet and they ALL LOVE ME.

My mind has been spinning for the past 24 hours, so you’ll have to bear with me during this long entry. If you want. You don’t have to. But I hope you do.

Fascinating evening I had last night. I went to see Lieutenant General Romeo Dallaire speak up at the University. He is a highly decorated war hero who served in Rwanda in 1993 as a UN Force Commander (apparently Nick Nolte’s character in Hotel Rwanda was loosely based on him). He has written a best-selling book, which is also a documentary, and in 2007 is being made into a feature film - “Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda“. I bought the book when I arrived, hoping to meet him at the book signing afterwards, and it’s almost 600 friggin’ pages. Perhaps I will wait for the movie…

Anyway, I also had interesting Access drivers last night so I’ll talk about that first before I get into the Romeo stuff. The driver that took me to the university was a driver I have had a couple times before. He loveslovesloves me, especially my one dimple, and does not hesitate to tell me how beautiful, pretty, sweet etc. I am. He asked how I have been (I haven’t seen him for probably 6 months) and I said I was quite stressed these days with work. He said “pretty girls like you should never be stressed”. Heh. He asked if anyone was yet the proud keeper of my dimple, and I said no, I’m still single, and he siiiiiiighhhhed. Then he started talking about attraction and the “vibe” and what he likes in a woman, and I got a little uncomfortable (the feeling is far from mutual), so I tried to change the subject to talk about who I was going to see. Somehow religion came into it and upon learning he was Muslim (as 90% of the drivers are, it seems), I mentioned that I have a friend who is Muslim (AH) and have been learning bits and pieces about Islam and the culture, and how interesting it is (even if I don’t agree with it all and am not an organized-religion kind of person). He asked me, “has he given you a copy of the Qur’an?”. Hmmm. No, that had never even crossed my mind!

On the way home, I was driven by another Muslim. There was also a young developmentally disabled girl in the back seat he was driving home, and she was very restless and noisy. He told me he had been quoting from the Qur’an to her earlier and it seemed to calm her down, as he pointed to a book. I said “is that the Qur’an?” and he said yes, so I asked to look at it, but he said it is in Arabic. “Do you want to see an English one?” I said “sure, if you’ve got one” and he said “of course, I will give you one when I get you home”. I said “Give? As in GIVE? To keep?” and he said of course. I told him it was funny that I was getting one from him tonight, because I had mentioned to my driver earlier that I have a Muslim friend and he had asked if he has given me a copy of the Qur’an, and now here I am getting one. He said “oh, you have a Muslim friend? Does he pray? Because if he prays, he is an honest man and you can trust him”. I said as far as I know, he told me he attends prayer “when he has time” (which I bet isn’t very often, he’s not the most practicing of Muslims. Obviously, I have certainly been privy to some non-Muslim behaviour coming from him!) He shook his head in a “tsk, tsk” fashion and said “if he only prays when he has time, then he is only honest when he has time”. And I laughed my ass off, because, I tell you, that is probably the most perfect description of AH I have ever heard.

True to his word, when he dropped me off he gave me a copy of an English translated Qur’an and he made sure to put his name and phone number in the front of it as well. So now my reading list is really filling up, as is my list of Access drivers that like me. Not that I actually keep one, but if I did, it would be quite long. If only they all looked like AH!

Anyway, back to Romeo Dallaire. When I arrived at the theatre the line up was a mile long, up the stairs and through the student food court (so I was told… I didn’t actually go up the stairs to look). The lecture was sold out and the theatre accommodates over 1,000 people so you can imagine. And here I was expecting a couple hundred or something! Anyway, I went right to the front of the line and asked if I could sit at one of the spare chairs at the ticket-taking table by the door. No one argues with you when you have a cane and trouble walking, so I was seated right by the doors when they opened and snagged myself an awesome seat inside. Hee. Read the rest of this entry »