Can You Hear Me Now?

I’m so tired. I just want to sleep more than a few choppy hours/night. I asked a nurse yesterday if she had ever worked with anyone addicted to sleeping pills, to help them get off of them. She said she had, but it’s never been successful. I watched Dr. Oz the other day and he had a woman on who is addicted to sleeping pills. Her story was very much like mine, except she’d only been taking them for a year, not EIGHT YEARS like me. They sent her to drug rehab, and she was told she’d probably have about 5 nights in a row without any sleep at all, which is a living hell. But then she should be okay. Well, I figured, I’m barely sleeping anyway, so why not go through that now? I would not be able to function in the least without a couple hours sleep, but since I’m in this place, if the staff knew what I was doing, maybe they’d just let me stay in bed for five days and let me get to the other side. Wash me and feed me from bed, like they do for many that can’t move. But no, she said “this is not the time. You’re under enough stress here, you don’t want to put yourself through that. You are here to get stronger, and you can’t afford to go without even that 2-3 hours sleep. Wait until you get settled somewhere.” Sigh. I think this is the perfect time to do it. I’ll never be able to do it without round-the-clock care. My energy sucks because I am getting soooooo little sleep, and I think sleeping pills are just making everything worse. I want this crap out of my system. And if I’m supposed to be getting stronger here, then move me to a room where my bed isn’t beside the door and my roommate doesn’t need to be checked/changed 2 or 3 times/night!!! I can’t sleep through that. It’s making me crazy.

My roommate had a fall today, while she was transferring to her bed from her chair. Or something like that. I heard her say “oh, I’m going down! Oh, I’m down!” I rang my bell thingy and went out into the main room and yelled “Mary fell!” I swear to God, I have never seen the staff move slower. Sometimes they are truly useless. One lady was feeding some man his juice, and she was all, “oh, where’s Leeann?” without making any effort herself. There were two others yacking in the hallway and they looked all dumbfounded. “Uh - Mary? Mary who?” My mom was here too and between the two of us we tried to get everyone’s attention, and they were all like “huh? what? who?” until finally someone clicked in and went to our room. Geesh.

Nick added me as a friend on Facebook today. That means I had to delete the link to my blog from my page, and any reference I made to it. I just have to hope he never finds this. Not that I’ve said anything bad, but, you know. I talk about him and the people here and although I (mostly) use fake names, it’s pretty obvious who I’m talking about. So, fingers crossed.

Amy went home yesterday. She only had some back pain, so I guess they finally decided she could go back home. 93 years old and still ticking pretty strong. So we have a new person at our dining table now, a 94 year old blind man named Chuck. That makes me the only girl again! Chuck seems super sweet. We chatted a lot at breakfast and lunch. He’s “all there”, too. Just very old, deaf and blind and not managing so well on his own. His wife has MS too, but I’m not sure if he said “has” or “had”. She either “does” or “did” live at another care facility in the city.

I didn’t see him at supper because my mom and Bob came down and brought PIZZA!! Earlier in the day I asked Nick if he wanted to join us. He loooooooves pizza. So I think we’re actually becoming friends, not just on Facebook. Mom and Bob were stuck in traffic for awhile, so Nick and I sat down in the cafeteria for at least half an hour, waiting, and talked a lot. Well, I talked a lot and asked most of the questions. He DID, however, ask ME a question about MYSELF. I think as long as we stay off political discussions, we may be okay. It’s like I told my stepdad, I’m 41 and Nick is 42, so we sort of have to be friends in a place like this! It’s law. Oh, and the question he asked me? “So, are you into sports at all?” Heh. Men.

Speaking of men, this next part is for the guys… my period doesn’t seem to want to visit me here. I am almost two weeks late, so I guess I’m skipping it. I’m never late, so this is weird. It may be my body is under stress from not sleeping or being in any of its usual routine, or I could be hitting perimenopause. I better read that Christiane Northrup book I bought.

The above was written yesterday. I can’t believe it’s mid-January already and I’ve been here almost a month!

I didn’t get home Sunday like I’d planned, but I did get home on Tuesday for a bit. I need more time, though. There is ALWAYS work to do, even if I swear I’m not going to go into my office. And I still haven’t used my chi machine and I have sooooo many shows to catch up on! Pita meows so much when I’m getting ready to go, it breaks my heart. She didn’t leave my lap, this time. I want to stay there sooooo bad! At some point I have to work out something where I go home for the night, with help there.

I had an appointment in early December to go to the Seating Clinic to get the foot pedal on my power chair widened. I cancelled because we had a snow storm, and I didn’t trust Handi-Bus to arrive on time or get me anywhere in less than 3 hours. So I told the guy, “I’ll see ya in the Spring”. Well, guess where the seating clinic is? On the Lower Main level of this very building. So I just went right on down there and talked to the guy, and now have an appointment on the 25th. Which I won’t have to cancel no matter what the weather!

I keep forgetting that one of the ladies here made me a beaded necklace. Actually, she made me two, after the first one was waaaay too small to go over my head, but too big to wear as a bracelet. She is developmentally disabled (she seems to have the mentality of a 6 year old, despite being older than me) and always sweet and joyful, so when the second one she made was no bigger than the first, I didn’t have the heart to say anything. So my brother’s girlfriend had the smarts to tie them together, and now it is the perfect size. And very colourful. Beth gets excited when she sees me wear it and so disapppointed if I don’t (I try to remember to put it on every day). She also says “that’s my friend Donna” every time someone pushes her by me in her chair (she is walking more though, I think she had a fall and broke something, and is probably headed home again soon).

I hope all y’all are doing what you can to help the people in Haiti. So far I have just done so via texting, but will give more via the Red Cross, as well.

Oh, that was a yawn. Off to give sleep another shot. ‘Night!

I haven’t slept well since those two drug-induced nights when I first got here and had a private room. No offence intended towards Mary, (yet here comes the offending words), I’m sure it would be a problem with ANY roommate and quite possibly the reason I would probably have a separate bedroom if I was married, but the woman eats/drinks/snores over there LOUDLY and NAs come in the room throughout the night to change her. (Maybe you wouldn’t need changing so much if you didn’t drink water all through the night, huh? Maybe??) And of course when the NA enters the door is close to MY bed, the lights go up, the talking at normal volume ensues. Once I’m woken up I don’t fall back asleep so I’m lucky if I get 3-4 hours/night. By 2:00 in the afternoon I’m crashing, big time, but I’m not able to even nap. I’m in bed for the night by 6:00 because I can’t keep my head up anymore. Yet I won’t fall asleep without drugs, which I take after 9:00 pm. Then I don’t STAY asleep.

Vicious.

My mom was here earlier and I just broke down while talking to her. An accumulation of no sleep, no shower, looking and feeling like crap, and generally just hating my life right now. Especially when the NA told me that a shower no more than once/week is the best you will get in any assisted iving facility. How the hell are you supposed to have ANY sort of social life when you’re really only clean once a week? MY HAIR?? If you’re feeling, looking and smelling gross, you certainly don’t want to go places or see people. It’s disgusting. I can’t live like this.

I miss daily showers and getting lotion put on my legs and arms. I miss range of motion exercises and stretches. I miss my Chi Machine. I miss my lift chair, my TV shows, I miss coffee (they only serve decaf here!), I miss going to the bathroom whenever I need to instead of wearing a fucking diaper because I can’t walk and there isn’t staff around to assist you whenever you need it, I MISS MY CATS. I miss my life, even though it was super boring as my mobility went downhill. I now have super motivation to get back into my own home (although a different one, a wheelchair accessible one) with self-managed care. I MUST WALK AGAIN.

I just heard Lindy singing on a commercial out in the main room (the TV is right outside my door, but no one watches MY shows) so that made me smile. Small things. I miss him.

After lunch today I followed Nick back to his room to see his set-up in there. He has more space and is able to get a TV in his room! I have nowhere to put one. The space that could be used for one is a traffic area for Mary and nurses to get to her side of the room. Nick has his laptop, mouse and pile of DVDs on his desk. He uses the Windows screen keyboard to type, one mouse click at a time. I had wondered how he did the typing thing, because he can’t speak well so I knew he didn’t use a speech recognition software, and he only has limited use of one hand. But mouse clicks he can do. I didn’t even know Windows had that feature, so that’s cool. I have a hard time typing on this, but it’s more position and space than anything. I don’t have a mouse (or anywhere to use it, really, since I’m usually in my wheelchair with this on my lap. Except at night when I’m in bed and the little table is across me) so that feature isn’t useful to me. Nick offered me use of his spare keyboard, but I really don’t have a way to use it since my lap is only so big. And I need the screen close.

Now before you get all excited that Nick and I are becoming friends, I honestly think the only things we have in common are the fact that we are close in age, both live here, and are struggling with decreasing mobility and use of our bodies. I took a peek at his Facebook page (which is partially open to anyone) and not only discovered that he is extremely smart, writes well and has a lot to say when he’s able to express it, (which is fine by me), he is also an extremely closed-minded hardcore Christian conservative. So much so, that his fan pages consist of things to do with Jesus, the bible, Stephen Harper and hating Liberals. So I don’t think he’d like me too much if he got to know me. And vice versa. I learned quite a bit about him, though, such as the fact that only a few years ago he lived on his own, worked, walked… about a year and a half ago he had to move in with his dad. He’s only been in a wheelchair since he arrived here in July. Scary stuff, speedy progression.

Oh, and he didn’t ask me a single question about myself, so that says a lot.

OH MY GOD MILDRED IS OUT THERE YELLING TO HERSELF AND IT’S MAKING ME CRAZY. “Larry! Larry! Larry! Come on Larry! Are you coming here? Come on. Please come. I don’t know where to put them! You get us out there. Yeah. I love you. Hey! I don’t have to put anything there? Oh dear, oh dear, what do I do? I don’t know what to do. I’ll give you one. Come on, girl! Come on, tell me! Hurry up. Whatever you’re doing. Are they coming over? These buns. Can you tell me? Anybody? Come on you guys, hurry up. Someone tell me. Come on! Are you on your way out? Hey! Look at me. Are you on your way out? Where are you? He’s waiting. Are you asking us back? Come on, we’re ahead of you. SANDRA! SANDRA! Why aren’t you telling us anything? Come on, say yes. You say yes, sir. Will you say yes sir? I don’t see that other American down here. Can you tell us? Come here, please. Please come here. Will you ask him? Will you please? Hey! Hey! You! Do you want a piece of this? Why not? Did I spoil it? Did you tell me what to ask for? Come on…”

Day in, day out. My friend Pam visited me yesterday and she’s pretty sure Mildred looked at her and asked “do you have a gun? I THINK YOU DO!” Hahaha! I don’t doubt it. Pam was dressed in black, including hat.

Today I received a wonderful package from my friend Gail in Toronto. She texted me when I first got here to ask if I needed anything, and I wrote back “I don’t think you can ship me a latte”, so what did she do?? Send me a box of individual packets of powdered vanilla lattes, mochas and hot chocolate mixes. And Chai tea bags and some chocolate. She rocks SO HARD.

I also had a couple male visitors yesterday. My friends Jay and Marc popped by. They only had a few minutes to spend though, so they promised to come back soon with Jay’s wife and a latte. And today, my entire family came by. First just my mom and then my brother, his girlfriend, and Bob all came for dinner. Then my dad popped by to show me the new cell phone he bought me so I can have hands free talking (sigh… he never stops, that man) and hook me up for another TENS/EMS session. We’re pretty sure we’re not doing this right so I sure hope physio is more on the ball this week. I NEED TO WALK, IT’S BEEN, LIKE, 6 DAYS. My feet are so puffy you wouldn’t believe it. Can feet burst?

I knew it would happen eventually. I finally found the NA who sucks at her job and annoys the hell outta me. The staff here is, overall, pretty amazing and so nice, patient, understanding. But for the past few days I have dealt with the exception. Yesterday she almost pulled my right arm out of its socket when helping me up from the toilet (she’s 62 and been doing this forever, she should know better). She wanted to give me a shower yesterday, and although I don’t want to refuse a shower in this place, my day IS Thursday, and having one yesterday would mean I’d go 8 days before my next one. Plus, my mom and Andrea were coming, and I had a hair appointment. So she whined the whole afternoon about how I’m ruining her day because she had time to give me a shower, but would be busy the next day. My scheduled day. Not my problem, lady. She also doesn’t know how to put on my AFO (she’s 62 and been doing this forever, she should know better). Today, my shower day, she whined that she would have to do it over my breakfast, because she “has no other time, I had time YESTERDAY, but you didn’t WANT one..” Oh, shut up. And she bitched and “oh, lordy”‘d the entire time because it was so much work. “oh, lordy, you’re so big. Oh, lordy, this is hard.” I had home care help me shower/dress daily forever, and NO ONE ever whined that it was so hard because of my size. I told the PT Asst. about that today and she was appalled. “She is supposed to use a transfer belt to help you up, she should know how to put on an AFO, and she should NEVER have made comments about your size. Yeah, Betsy is not one of my favourites.” She has fallen to the bottom of my list, too.

There was a new year’s party in the coliseum this afternoon from 1:30 to 3:00. We rang in the new year at 2:00 with blow horns and live music from a guy and a guitar. He wasn’t very good, but the people here seemed to love him. I’ve been spoiled by my friends, and Rob Szabo he ain’t. We didn’t get any champagne (no surprise) or even juice. I figured out later after not even water was available, that there are many different needs in this place and not everyone is allowed/able to drink and it’s too much for the staff and volunteers to know what’s what. Next time I will know better and bring my own. There was a girl sitting next to me with a big tray on her wheelchair, and a sign that read “please do not give any treats”. Of course I’m reminded of the “please don’t feed the animals” signs at the zoo. So sad.

I saw the old lady I spoke of the other day sitting right up front with her son, so I wheeled up to say hello, just as she left. Her son was still there though, so I knew she’d be back. I figured I’d just sit up there and wait. Then I saw, out of the corner of my eye, the old man who hit on me yesterday. I knew he was coming for me! He wheeled right up beside me, and asked me if I had a boyfriend. Why-oh-why didn’t I just say “yes”? Coach K. would have covered for me. But I said “no”, and uncomfortably tried to avoid the next question. “Can I hold your hand?” As he asked I could smell the linger of cigarettes in his mouth. He must have just been outside for one. Since my right hand was in my brace and my left hand was busy tapping my thigh to the music, I mumbled something along the lines of “no”. He told me he had lived here for a year and really wants a girlfriend, and “you sure look nice, what would be wrong with that?” Oh, shit. I told him I wasn’t looking for that, and by that time Judy (the old lady) had returned so I focused my attention on her and her son, Rob. The old man (I’ll call him Frank, because I’m pretty sure I will see him again. This is a fairly big place, but small. SO SMALL). Frank wheeled away heart broken. I hate rejecting people, but come ON. You’re probably 30 years older than me and reek of cigarettes. Is it horrible of me to say that if I knew for sure he was mentally challenged in some way I would have given him the thrill of holding my hand and let the crush continue, but he seems to have his wits about him so I didn’t want it to carry on? Because yes, Donna, it is SO MUCH BETTER to lead someone on with a developmental disability. Instead I talked to Judy and found out where Rob’s room is, and she promised he would talk to me once he got used to me and I promised I would visit him.

Oops, I just remembered that the permanent residents in Frank’s unit are aged 18-65. So he can’t be older than 65. But still, too old for me, and smelly.

I hate my hair.

Tonight at dinner I found out that Tom is 80 and Nick is 42. I honestly thought Nick was younger than me! So I think I am officially the youngest person in this unit. Go, me. Also, if Nick had been downstairs for the party, I would have made him pose as my boyfriend when Frank came around. But I think Nick is too cool to hang out in the coliseum with that gang. Every time I’ve been by his room the door is closed. Once I heard music blaring. I bet he’s a brooding loner, into heavy metal and technology. He’s a good looking fella, I bet he would have been a lady killer if he wasn’t confined to a wheelchair with severe cerebral palsy. I am determined to get to know him, however, and figure out what makes him tick. We are the closest in age in this place, I have made him laugh more than once, and there is potential for a good friendship there.

Well, I hope to be asleep at the stroke of midnight when the rest of you are ringing in the new decade. Have a good one, I’ll talk to you in Oh-Ten!

Today at lunch Amy (sweet old Japanese lady) wouldn’t let me leave. “Stay, you make me smile! Stay here and make us happy.” LOL She’s so sweet. I got a lot of her life story out of her tonight. She moved to Canada from Japan when she was a teenager in 1932; arranged marriage; he died a few years ago, she NEVER loved him; 10 kids; 25 grandkids and some great-grandchildren (she didn’t think she had any, but I met one the other day who is 19, so I figure she has a few), she worked at a canning factory, her husband for CP Rail so she has a nice pension and free travel for life (not that she’ll be going anywhere now!) and she thinks our government is great. Free health care, good educations for her kids (they’re all engineers and doctors). Sarah Palin should meet people like Amy before they come up to Canada and shoot their mouths off about how our health care should be more like the US. SHUT UP. God, I hate that woman.

Sorry, got off track for a second there. Anyway, Amy is a sweetheart. I really like my meal companions, her, Nick, and Tom. I think they like me, too. Nick is a hard one to read, though. Speaking of meals, one thing I’ve noticed that has changed in these facilities since the last time I was in one, is that when they serve pasta, it’s whole wheat. When they serve rice, it’s whole grain. Which is pretty cool. And when they serve butter tarts for dessert, like they did tonight, you can tell they’re made from scratch and they’re DELICIOUS.

This afternoon my mom and Bob came to visit, and so did our friend Andrea! She brought me a big bag of Dutchies, baked fresh by the Hutterites. They are in the communal freezer with my name on them, where hopefully they will be safe until I can get to them. I still have many other goodies to go through, first! I hope Andrea comes by often. She makes me laugh and laugh. We sat in the cafeteria and had a coffee, and a dutchie. And laughed.

Before they arrived, I got my hair cut. I waited out in the hall until they were ready for me; the salon is quite crowded when a few wheelchairs get in there! An older gentleman came wheeling up to me, asking me if I was new here (oh, that ‘ol line). I said yes, he told me his name, what unit he lives in and wheeled closer to shake my hand. I told him my name is Donna, and he said “I’ll forget the name, but I’ll never forget that pretty face!” Men never stop flirting, no matter how old they get. Maybe he can be my Happy Hour Booze Friend.

Oh, that reminds me. I’m rarely going on Twitter since I’ve been here (it was much easier and faster when I could use my iPod Touch app) but I did manage to catch one guy I follow, a writer for The Office, send out this tweet: “Pleased to announce new service: New Years Resolution Advising. Shoot me a tweet, I’ll give you something to work on in 2010.” So I told him where I was and asked for a goal for 2010. He wrote back “DATE AROUND LIKE CRAZY!” Hehe. Oh, I love The Office and I’m enjoying watching my Season 5 DVDs here since I can’t watch the new ones. They’ve been pre-empted for holiday specials anyway, but when they come back my PVR will be recording them for me to watch when I make home/kitty/work visits. I have 2 weeks of my soap to catch up on…

The hair salon is really overpriced. Considering the lady who cut my hair previously worked at a fast food place and not a high end salon, and most people in here are on a low government disability fixed income, their prices should be half of what they are. If I simply want my hair washed (which I would, considering we only get showered ONCE A WEEK DID I MENTION?), with no styling or drying involved, it will cost me $8.00!! I do think the cut worked out - it’s hard to tell until you have lived with it for a few days - but STILL. The lady that came to MY apartment to cut my hair and did a great job, didn’t charge as much. I will have to call her to come see me here, if they’d even allow it. I need to call my pedicure lady too, I’m overdue. I wonder if she would take cookies in payment?

Okay, so, if you have MS or know someone close to you with MS, you have (maybe just recently, like me) heard about The Liberation Treatment and Dr. Zamboni. I heard about it for the first time on Friday when AH called me excitedly after hearing about it on the radio. Then there was that special on W5. I’m not going to go into great details about it here, you can click the links and see for yourself, but I AM going to urge you to call your closest MS Society chapter and neurologists and ask questions. Make a fuss. This is an amazing discovery which requires attention. Pharmaceutical companies and many organizations stand to lose a LOT of money over this, and it’s totally outside of the box of all other MS theories, so it’s going to take people like us to make noise. On Friday the MS Society wanted no part in this theory but after pressure from the phone calls on Monday after the news report aired, they changed their tune and have decided to grant funds for research. We must keep up the momentum!

I had a nice weekend. On Saturday my mom and Bob came by for their last visit before leaving on their vacation to Mexico tomorrow! My brother’s girlfriend also came by, and she helped me get to the mall so I could pick up a few things, including the shower curtain and handheld shower head for my neighbour. We weren’t able to get it over to her that day, but the rings were put in the curtain so it was ready for hanging. Cindy came by again the other day, and told me Home Care had come by to assess her and she was getting a bathtub bench, raised toilet seat, bars in the tub, pole beside her bed, a NEW wheelchair, and personal care assistance for showers and dressing. Awesome.

That night my dad picked me up and we went to my friend/client/Coach K’s 50th birthday bash. Lucky for me it was held at a restaurant and not his house so I could actually go! (His house has lots of stairs). I could only stay for a couple of hours (bedtime for me these days is between 9 and 10:00) but it was so good to see him and a few other friends of his I know. Coach K is, last I heard, 6′9″ (I’m pretty sure he was 6′6″ when I met him 10 years ago, but after 6′4″ everyone is shorter than you, so who’s gonna argue?) He just competed in and came in 5th at a national body building championship (so yeah, no one is going to argue with him about ANYTHING, except me, ’cause I’m his bookkeeper and make him pay his taxes no matter how much he whines). When he emailed me the photo of him posing on stage in a Speedo, I think I screamed, before I gave him shit. He’s like a brother to me… and no one wants to see their buffed, tanned brother in a Speedo.

On Sunday, my good friend and hero Rob Szabo came by with Ryan Hennessey, whom he is touring with right now. They had a show here that night but since getting out isn’t easy for me and bathrooms at these live music venues are rarely accessible (not to mention the bed time thing) I wasn’t able to go, so it was super appreciated that they made time for me. AND we went over to Cindy’s where they installed the stuff for her shower! I love me some Handymen. Slash musicians, the perfect blend. Cindy is not one to show emotion but I know she was grateful and thanked us. Good Karma Points earned by all. I had never met Ryan before, and he is a super great guy. Of course. Rob surrounds himself with pretty awesome people. He produced Ryan’s CD and gave me a copy… he also produced PETER KATZ’S UPCOMING CD THAT GLEN HANSARD SINGS ON . Not sure If I mentioned that before.

My 101 List is rolling along. I’ve been following the Core Balance diet (”food plan” - not a fan of the word DIET) for the past week, which among other things means no sugar (except in natural forms like fruits, grains). I’m doing good, although my craving for chocolate is starting to hit. Today is my first day of liquids only (one day a week over 6 weeks - not a Core Balance thing, just something I want to do). The other day I was walking up the hall and my pants fell off me, right down to my ankles. It was then I realized all the pants I wear I was wearing around the time of my 40th birthday a year and a half ago, and I have actually lost 50 pounds since then. It’s time to dig through my closet and find more pants. I would say it’s time to “buy new pants”, but I have certainly been this weight before in recent years (and lower… I gained a LOT of weight since breaking my wrist) so I’m pretty sure I’ve got better fitting pants around. But I sure do love my Silhouettes Yoga Pants so I think a trip to eBay is in order as well.

The pool is helping the weight loss too, I’m sure. Even though it’s only twice/week and I’m not doing much in there, I have worked up to 10 minutes and am even able to move my arm and leg a bit, to sorta jog in place or make scissor movements with my legs. It’s getting there! I’m still DEAD when I get out and can’t lift my right foot… and it takes a good 24 hours to recover… but I know it will get better. The staff have all said they can see a big difference from my first day, so that’s encouraging!

I need to clean off my memory card to get to all my cat pics. In the meantime though, I’m just glad to be updating! Pictures soon.

I do realize I am LONG overdue for an update. And I will get to one… I’m just so far behind that every time I think about updating I feel too overwhelmed to actually write it. So I’ll get around to a bulleted version of an update soon. But for now, I have decided that the following is important and worthy of the time it takes me to put one of these together.

In 1982, I was 14 years old. And 14 year old girls get crushes on cute, famous boys. For me, it was Christopher Atkins. I loved him with every ounce of my being. I was only 12 when Blue Lagoon came out, which my friend’s mom snuck us into the theatre to see, but it wasn’t until I was a little older that I saw The Pirate Movie (many times) and realized what LOVE was and how this beautiful boy was my one and only. I mean, check it out, can you blame me??

Seriously. I was 14. He had it all.

Flash forward, 27 years. I’m a 41 year old woman who just happens to like hanging out on Twitter. And, Christopher Atkins is a 48 year old man, who just happens to have a Twitter account. And the Tweeting goes a little something like this:

Christopher Atkins: Pet peeve - No parking spots - I turn around and go home.

Me: Haha you need to go out with me, I use a wheelchair and get ALL the good spots!

Christopher Atkins: lol! Yes I should!

And there you have it. Dreams do come true, girls. It may have taken 27 years, but Christopher Atkins asked me out on a date.

Sorta.

Never lose hope.

(I seriously teenage-girlie-screamed when I got a response from him… *sigh*)

You must, must, must see August Rush.

It’s been an emotional few days. First, my friends Lisa and Russ got engaged. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later, it was just a matter of making it official with the ring and stuff! So that was done on Thursday. Then, the worst thing that could ever happen, Lisa’s dad died suddenly on Friday. He had a heart attack while fishing alone out at his cabin. I like to think he made sure his daughter was going to be safe and happy in her life by getting engaged to a great guy, and then he went off to his favourite place to go fishing, and died peacefully and quickly doing what he loved, knowing his kids were going to be fine (Lisa’s brother is getting married in a few weeks). I just can’t believe it happened, so close to Father’s Day, and he was only 62. I LOVED Lisa’s dad. I talked about him in this entry a few years ago, the first time I spent Christmas Eve with Lisa’s family. I’m heartbroken, and can’t even begin to imagine what Lisa, her mom, and her family are going through. It looks like, after the first funeral I ever attended was for Lisa’s uncle, that my second will be her father’s. It’s so very sad.

Saturday morning is when I learned of Sam’s death, as it happened late the night before. The news came in an email from Lisa, which I read just as my Home Care worker walked in the door. So I burst into tears as she was asking me how I was, and me and crying are kinda ugly. I’m one of those criers who can’t talk or breathe when I’m crying. So it’s rather useless to try to get anything out of me. Poor Harpal, she had no idea what was going on. I managed to calm down while in the shower and was able to tell her what had happened when I got out, but that just made me start blubbering even harder all over again. You know how it is… anyway, I managed to pull myself together by the time my mom and Bob arrived to take me to the chiropractor, but there was no point in putting on make-up, lemme tell ya. I even remembered to bring my chiropractor the sonic mole repellers I got for him off eBay. He’s been wanting some for awhile and wasn’t able to find them/order any himself from anywhere. So in comes me, eBay expert extraordinaire! He was very pleased.

My mom stayed over on Saturday, and you would not recognize my office!! She re-organized everything. Well, I helped a little, but she totally outdid herself. My air conditioner (did I mention I got an A/C for my birthday? Wheee!) was being installed on Sunday, so I needed some help with my filing and getting stuff out of the way to make room for moving the filing cabinet to the other wall and re-arranging things a bit. My mom has a tendency to overdo it and would not stop until she was happy. Gee, I wonder where I get it from? Anyway, she worked her arse off until I made her sit down and watch a movie with me. August Rush. We cried and cried and cried, so the second it ended I sobbed “okay, now you have to watch PS I Love You!” (The whole cute Irish musician theme was going on with me… I WANT ONE). I really love Video on Demand, especially since I received my last bill and none of the movies I had rented in May were on it. So on Sunday, we watched Dan in Real Life, because I love Steve Carell and it was time for another dose of him. I cannot WAIT for Get Smart.

I had a dream about Steve Carell last night. I drempt that he was just like his character on The Office in real life, and I was the only one who truly understood him and loved him (SO not true, I would smack Michael Scott quite hard at times if I knew him, but in my dream he was the love of my life) and it broke my heart to watch him try so hard with other women who just didnt get him and dumped him harshly. I was his best friend who was always there to pick up the pieces, and he had no idea how I felt, and I just couldn’t tell him. I was so angry at these women who treated him like shit and didn’t realize what they had, and wished so hard he would just SEE ME. I do believe I have played that scenario out in real life on a couple occasions with male friends in my past. It never ended happily; no Vanessa Williams song here. Oh, and I was doing some sort of treasure hunt thing with all the cast of The Office on my team, Jim being the leader, Michael being at home crying over his last girlfriend, and me running over there whenever I had a break from the treasure hunt to tell him it would all be okay.

Aaaanyway, my A/C was hooked up on Sunday thanks to handyman Ian, a friend of my mom and Bob’s. He brought his puppy Rosie over, and while Pepper ran and hid in my bedroom, Pita stayed in the living room by the coffee table and just stared. Rosie ran around my apartment sniffing everything and chewing cat toys, and then she spotted Pita. She wanted to play, she meant no harm, she wandered over in Pita’s direction. Pita hissed and hissed at Rosie and eventually Rosie went away. But then she came back, and when she got too close, Pita hissed and SMACKED Rosie across the face, claws first. Rosie whimpered as only a puppy can, and ran away. Poor little Rosie. Mean little Pita. She does NOT like dogs, and I don’t know why, because she’s been an indoor cat since the day she was born, so it’s not like she’s ever had a bad run in with one. Two other dogs have been around her in the past, all perfectly sweet and harmless (and very small), but Pita would have none of it and Pepper always hid. I guess we know who’s boss around here.

Today, I got up and sat in my clean and organized office and turned on the A/C just because I could. Actually, it’s warming up this week, so it was good timing getting it installed yesterday. Not that it’s HOT out, but the sun beats in here pretty strongly and heats up my apartment… I tend to need a fan on me when it wouldn’t be necessary if my windows faced another direction. But today was a gorgeous day!! My friend Joelle picked me up and we went to My Favourite Vietnamese restaurant (next time we'’ll go to hers) and chowed down. Then we went to her place, stopping for a Slurpee on the way. I haven’t had a Slurpee in YEARS! We sat in her yard for hours and I talked so much my speech was slurring really badly. It actually started slurring in the restaurant, which is how I know I’ve talked too much. Also the fact that Joelle was way ahead of me in the eating department. So I told her she needed to do the talking at her place, to give my mouth a rest so I could talk normally again. That didn’t last long, though. I was talking really funny, but Joelle said she could understand me. Tonight, I will NOT be making any phone calls. That’s one of those MS symptoms that only pops up once in a blue moon, but when it does, I need to take a night off from talking. Oh, the horror!

Okay, so, I watched “The Secret” DVD the other night, and I have been sufficiently inspired. I will no longer talk about the negative aspects of my health or fears of getting worse, because it just puts it “out there” in the Universe, and I don’t want that “out there”. Our lives are a manifestation of our thoughts… good and bad. I truly believe that. As I have said before, my MS was in remission and I was doing fine for the first couple years after diagnosis, until I started researching MS and finding out more about it and fearing all these things that “could” happen to me. Whatever you focus on, you get… and I was inadvertently focusing on getting worse and all my fears, and it started to happen. So, no more of that. I want to get better and the only way to do that is to believe I am and will!

Wow, re-reading that old entry was a bit of a wake-up call, too. I need to get back into that frame of mind, it sure was working for me!! I wonder what happened to set me off track? Probably stuff with AH, and then I remember I went to Toronto and that threw me over the “I overdid it” edge. Oh, and messing with my hormones by taking birth control pills again (I’m re-reading old entries, can you tell?? Heh). Anyway, I’m back into visualization and affirmations again, and expect to reap the benefits soon! (Have I ever mentioned that the more I lost use of my right side, the more I would fear falling and breaking my left wrist? “OH MY GOD, what what I do if that ever happened???” I used to think. Well, now I know, because I focused on that fear enough to make sure it happened).

Anyway…

Today was fantastic. I went back to ‘Living Well with a Chronic Illness‘ and re-started the program. Now that I have the walker carrier on my scooter and can actually bring my walker, it is much better. I participated in the 15 minute warm-up, then we all moved to whatever stations we wanted or to education, but since I already attended the first education class on February 1, I skipped that and went straight to exercise. I walked around the gym once, then did some balance exercises, then walked around the gym again, then rested, then sat on one of those big fitness balls and practiced sitting straight and lifting my leg, then walked around the gym 2 more times, then rested, then did strength exercises and stretching with the group. Apparently AH walked in at that time and saw me, because he was picking someone up. Later on he teased me, “I saw you, but you didn’t see me!! You were tying something around your legs.” Ah, the resistance band!

I came home and felt amazing, and still do. I wish I didn’t have to work and stuff, and could just go to classes like that every day. I can’t wait to get in better shape.

There is already a man there with a crush on me. He followed me around for awhile and then finally said “I haven’t seen you around here before”. Wow! Classic!

Speaking of men with crushes on me, that cab driver that lives in my building has never contacted me again. HE is the one that said I was beautiful and “maybe we can get together and watch a movie…” Maybe when/if he found that note I slipped under his door he thought I was being too forward? ‘Cause if he never saw the note, you’d think he would have knocked on my door by now. And HE is the one that said “if you ever need anything or any help, you ask me!”… so I dunno. I’m pretty sure he drove by me when I was on my scooter coming home from the mall a few days ago. He didn’t honk or anything. HMPH.

Anyway…

When I put my right shoe on before leaving today, I felt something in there… I pulled my shoe off and stuck my hand in to pull out a little water bottle cap, courtesy of the kitties. I realized then that I actually went through the entire day yesterday with that in my shoe. I kept thinking, “my toenails sure did get really long, really fast!”

I mentioned to Rob that I want an ion cleanse machine but need about $3,000 US to get one. He thinks we should hold a benefit to raise the money for it, fly me out to Toronto and get him, Lindy, Peter Katz, and a bunch of others to perform. You know, that’s a great idea! Those guys would totally do a show for me, and give all the $$ from ticket sales to me to buy the machine. I know they would! Organizing it and getting me (and Emma, because she must be there too) out to Toronto would be the hard part, but I am “putting it out there” for the universe to take care of. I will get one of those machines, one way or another!

By the way? I love Rob for even suggesting something like that. He is the BEST. I wish I could clone him. Several times over.