Can You Hear Me Now?

So, it’s pretty obvious I’m back to weaning off my anti-depressants some more. How can you tell? Well, aside from the various mood swings I’m having and being easily prone to anger and bitchiness, last night I watched “Enchanted“. And I CRIED and CRIED. Many, many times throughout the movie, for reasons ranging from joy and happiness and fluffiness to self pity and “I don’t even know why”. ENCHANTED! Gimme a F-ing break. (I think this means I enjoyed the movie a LOT more than I want to admit).

For the record, I’m almost down to 5mg/day from the 40mg/day I was taking. I can’t wait until this is over, I really hate this whole weaning thing. It’s hard!!

Oh, and Friday night I watched 27 Dresses and developed a bit of a crush on James Marsden, so ask me how thrilled I was to see him as the Prince in Enchanted? Hee.

And speaking of being easily angered, I had an experience last Saturday that just SET.ME.OFF. (Warning: F-bombs a-plenty coming up). I was on my scooter in Wal-Mart, minding my own business when this (40-ish year old) woman walked past me. I heard her mumble under her breath something about my weight and “get up and walk”. At first I ignored it, but then, no, I couldn’t just let it go, and turned my scooter around to go find her. She was looking at clothes. I rode up to her and asked “WHAT did you say to me??” She looked shocked that I’d come after her, but then she said “get up and walk, you might lose some of that weight” and turned to take off. OHHHHHH MY MOTHER OF GOD. I was seething. I sharply turned my scooter around with the intent to chase her down and, oh, I dunno, run her over/break her neck/cut her in half/give her a piece of my FUCKING mind (I’m not sure what I was going to do, I just knew I wasn’t about to let her get away with that shit) when my front wheel hit the base of a clothing rack and my scooter toppled right over on me. Owieeee! I was on the floor with my scooter on top of me. Luckily, about 5 people ran over to help, including a couple very strong men who got me up off the floor without any trouble. Surprisingly, I wasn’t crying. I thanked everyone and assured them I was fine and carried on with my shopping. It wasn’t until I was on my way home and stopped at Second Cup to get a latte that I started blubbering like a fool. Poor barista, she had no clue what had just happened. I made it home, parked my scooter, fell into my chair all bruised and broken-spirited and bawled and bawled.

I was SO ANGRY. So mad at that fucking woman and her stupid ignorance and need to speak her judgments of me out loud. I COULD NOT BELIEVE someone could be that cruel and ignorant. I mean, even if my weight was the reason I was on a scooter, that does not excuse what she said. She has no fucking clue about me or my medical history or anything, she had NO RIGHT and I trust Ms. Karma kicked her in the ass later that same day. I hope she found out her boyfriend is sleeping around on her and gave her AIDS. I honestly do. I don’t care if she dropped dead 5 minutes later, in fact, I wish it on her to this day. I know it’s a waste of my own energy to still be angry at her, but even as I write this the tears well up and I am just seething with anger. Fucking bitch.

Anyway, this (second) scooter toppling accident has led me to look into getting a 4 wheeler that is more stable!! I have an OT coming by on Tuesday to assess me and my scooter and if my apartment can handle a 4 wheeler getting in and out. My neighbour (the guy who also has MS) has one, so I don’t think it should be a problem in here. He said he wants to “see me drive it around”. I’m not normally setting off to chase down stupid bitches, so he won’t witness reckless driving, but even on my best days I don’t feel completely safe on that thing. I always feel like it could topple over at any time and I’m VERY careful over bumps and cracks on the sidewalks.

I’m reading a really good book right now, Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston. I never did finish A New Earth, I barely started it to be honest. I’ll get around to it one day. But Quantum Wellness excited me when I saw the author on Oprah, and then on Ellen. She is SO freaking beautiful, she just radiates light and health and wellness and positive energy. She makes you want what she has!! I won’t be going Vegan anytime soon, but her discussions about “conscious eating” really hit me. It may be, as my friend Jason called me, “airy fairy”, but I AM airy fairy about stuff like this. I totally believe everything is energy and we take in energy, put out energy, and attract to ourselves that which is in line with our own energy. You know that about me if you’ve read any of this blog! Anyway, when it comes to food, we also take in THAT energy. The energy of the food… where it came from, how it got to our plate, how the animal was cared for and killed, the energy of the person packaging up the food, the energy of the corporatrion behind creating the food… etc. etc. It was like… a lightbulb moment for me!! I had never thought about it that way before. That when I eat crappy processed/fast food, I am not only ingesting crap which will make my body feel/look like crap, I am ingesting the negative energy associated with that food. Airy-fairy as it may be, I believe it!! If you’ve watched Super Size Me or Fast Food Nation you know how those fast food corporations and their money-hungry executives care more about their bottom line than they do our health (or our bottoms). And all those big processed food companies; from the evil suits at the top of the corporate ladder to the underpaid, stressed out person working the assembly line, we take in alllll that energy. So, for the past couple weeks I’ve been back to ordering groceries from SPUD (a GREAT little company with great people and good energy!) and switching to organic food when possible. It’s not like I will never eat fast food again, but I have certainly become more conscious of it in a very different way than I had before. Thinking of it in a physical health way was never enough to scare me away from it, as much as it should have been, but switch my thinking to how it affects my spiritual health, and you got me! I still need the convenience, though, so my freezer is full of Amy’s Organics (family business!) and my new favourite sweet snack is lemon yogurt with fresh bluberries and organic muesli

I’ve even switched to organic coffee from Cochrane Coffee Traders. (They’re so small they don’t even have a website. But they are a very socially and environmentally conscious company).

Catching some rays

Can’t…handle…the…cute!!

CAN’T HANDLE IT!!!

Cats in Sinks better not reject this face.

I decided to do an update because Maggs tagged me with the above award, so I needed to put it up here, and figured I may as well update while I’m at it.

The rules for the “You Make My Day” award are to re-present it to 10 people whose blogs bring you happiness, inspiration and make you feel happy about blog land. Let them know through e-mail or by posting a comment on their blog so they can pass it on. Beware you may get the award several times, and if you do, consider yourself really, really loved. So to pass it on and keep the love going ~ here are 10 of the 100’s of blogs that keep me inspired and bring a smile to my face. Please check them out when you have a few minutes…perhaps there are some new friends to be made!

So that’s how it works, and here are 10 blogs that make me smile and/or inspire me regularly:

Maggie
Kerri
Scott
Sylvie
Shauna
PostSecret
Big Fat Deal
Robyn
Sandee
I Can Has Cheezburger (Seriously cannot go 10 minutes without a peek over there haha)

I’m not going to let them know I bestowed this honour upon them, but if they happen to check their referral links and end up here, they are free to recognize it if they want

Lots has happened since my last update, and wouldn’t you know it, I don’t have much time here. For starters, I saw my dad for the first time in almost 6 years. One thing I have realized, is that he may never change, but I certainly have. Hopefully that will be enough for us to have a relationship of sorts. It has never been a question of love; it’s more about how to have a relationship with him without him trying to take over my life. I am an independent person, and he wants to take over and do everything and have all the answers, and in the past this has caused me more stress than you can begin to imagine. (There’s other stuff, too, but I won’t get into it). Anyway, hopefully we can set boundaries that will keep us both happy. I know after spending a few hours with him yesterday evening, that I’m much better at handling his personality than I used to be. Rather than get stressed out, I let it slide and just shrugged it off as *just the way he is*. I have learned, if nothing else over the past 6 years, to allow people to be the way they are and live their life the way they want and not let it get to me. Their problems/behaviours/choices etc. are not mine to worry about, unless they are hurting me (or my family, or children, or animals, or…). I am a mere observer. Wow, I think I’m growing up!

On a whim today, I decided to get my legs waxed. OUCH!! Facking OUCH!!

Last weekend was supposed to be a lot of fun. CD release parties galore, including the Calgary one for The Polyjesters. So what do I go and do?? Fall and twist my ankle, of course. I stayed in with my foot up, icing it. My mom was here, and without a show to go to, that gave her the time to clean out and re-organize my cupboards. Gotta love moms!

I’m switching my TV from our regular Shaw Cable (I just have the basic cable) to Telus TV. I’m excited! I didn’t realize everyone has to be digital by 2009, and I’ve got a pretty old TV here. So I’m getting a free digital box, one year of basic cable for free (which is $10/month cheaper than Shaw anyway! Wheee!) and extra channels I’d like (to get those great HBO shows and A&E, the Learning Channel, etc.) for only $6.00/month. I’m really pleased! My neighbour has it, and loves it. It’s great that Shaw finally has some cable competition.

Anyway, I’m crazy busy with work, and outta time. Catch ya later!

It’s Christmas Eve day. 10 days since I last updated! My excuse is that my vision is still double and my balance is still way off and I’ve been feeling crappy, and I don’t like writing when I’m feeling crappy. Because it’s all I seem to focus on and it doesn’t do any of us any good to focus on the ill health of anyone.

Which brings me to the reason for today’s post. A few days ago I started listening to a 5 CD set called The Law of Attraction: The Teachings of Abraham. It’s amazing, and it makes me wish I had never given any of my money to the marketing machine infomercial that is The Secret. THIS is The Secret, but Abraham’s been teaching it a lot longer, and better.

It’s that same old principle… we are what we think. Our thoughts create our life experiences, good and bad. Ever notice that the person who speaks often about ill health, has it? (Hello!) NO MORE!!! Ahhh I’ve said it a million times. Seriously, though, I have to stop. I have to stop talking with people about the “rough times I’m going through” with my health, or how much of a downward spiral I seem to be in the past couple years with regards to it, etc. etc. People ask me all the time because they care, but I need to steer that conversation towards something more positive.

I’ve only listened to the first 3 of the 5 CDs and I already know it is the best purchase I’ve made in a long time. Once you can get past the weird stuff… that Abraham is a spiritual entity channeled by Esther Hicks, and speaks through her physical being… and actually listen to what he/they have to say, it is very powerful and makes a lot of sense. Yesterday I took a few hours with CD #2 and typed out some of it, so that I can read it out loud every day. It’s the part where they talk about the “workshop” you spend time in every day to think about and feel the emotions involved in what you want, and begin deliberate creation. We are magnets, and what we think about the most and talk about the most draws to us more of the same. So think the good stuff to GET the good stuff.

I made a Law of Attraction Workshop page. Every word is taken from that CD as Abraham spoke. If you find it useful, you can refer to it whenever you want, as well. Better yet, buy the CDs, because this is only a fraction of the approximately 6 hours of discussion on the CDs!

Pay It Forward Update

The final amount raised was $580, and I spent every penny of it and more. When Kim was here on the 14th, she brought it all back with her the next day. Her sister works for the shelter so it was all delivered. I’m assuming the ladies and kids will be getting stockings and gift bags to open Christmas morning, and our gifts will be included in that. A lot of the items I purchased off eBay, cutting that off Nov. 20 to give the items time to get here. Everything arrived in great condition and on time, except this one woman I bought a bunch of Avon stuff from… I paid Nov. 19 and just received them last week. They weren’t shipped until Dec. 6!!! I was SO upset. What the hell am I supposed to do with 40 lip balms??? I spent $70 of my own money on that lot of stuff. She got some negative feedback from me, that’s for sure. Anyway, some of the make up I will keep (mascaras) and I gave the slippers to my home care worker. Next time I see Kim I’ll probably just give her the rest to drop off at the shelter another time. The make up is brand new, there are 40 sealed lip balms, and 4 new bottles of body iotion…

Anyway, if you include that lot, I spent $673 so even without all that, I did not waste any of YOUR money! Thank you again to everyone who contributed!!!

Oh, remember last entry I mentioned that my friend Pam gave me those healing stones? And that the Jade went flying across the room somewhere when I went to put it under my pillow? Well, last night I decided to take the two other stones I had tucked in my pillowcase at the bottom of my pillow out, because today I’d ask my home care worker to change the bed sheets. I didn’t want the stones flying out when she removed the pillowcase. So, I reached my hand in to retrieve the two stones I knew where there… and pulled out three. The Jade was there. WTF?? Seriously?? So, what’s that, a ghost? Or maybe just my home care worker found the Jade on the floor and being from India, knew what it was for and put it with the others. I guess I could have asked her, but I kind of like the *not knowing*. That’s way more fun.

So if I haven’t freaked you out yet with all my spiritual new age frou frou talk, I’ll end this by wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, etc. etc. I hope you have a safe and warm holiday with lots of love, food, and frolic! My brother is coming over and we’ll get that food part down good, I think. Mom left us one of her amazing cheese balls!!

Pita wishes you a Merry Christmas

Pepper also wishes you a Merry Christmas

I made an outline for today’s entry. You know, to keep it neat and orderly, and so you can skip certain sections if you don’t want to hear about it.

Today’s Outline:

1. eBay
2. Home Care Bitching
3. Menstrual Cycle (see? Now men can skip that part. Easy peasy)
4. Blog Interview
5. Quantum Release Stuff
6. Worst Thing That Could Ever Happen, Ever
7. Weather

1. eBay

So far I have been nothing but pleased with my eBay experience. Except for how long it takes for items to ship to Canada, I haven’t had a complaint. Until yesterday. I received an order that was supposed to be a pair of casual Capri pants. When I opened the parcel, they were obviously shorts, and a grey fleece material at that. Way beyond “casual”, these were like Wal-Mart cheap grey shorts that would be worth about $5. I was surprised that the sale page had referred to them as Capris! Even the packaging (new) clearly stated “shorts”. Every time I receive an item I head straight to the feedback page and give feedback, which has always been positive. This time I chose “negative” and wrote “these are shorts, not Capris; not what I thought I was getting” and shortly after that I received an email from the seller BLASTING me because I was her FIRST negative feedback, and how dare I, and “I hope you’re happy with yourself!” and that she was going to report me to eBay. Hmm. Report me for what, exactly?? Anyway, I wrote her back and told her if she refunded me then I would withdraw the feedback, which she did. So her perfect score is back. I wanted to ask her if that is how she kept a perfect score… by threatening her customers? Heh. I know now that I should have contacted her about it first, before leaving feedback, but I was just so shocked, it was my automatic reaction.

I also received a (cheap) necklace that was broken, but they refunded me no problem, and the two tops I got from this store are SO GORGEOUS I certainly can’t be upset about that. I will order from them again, for sure - I highly recommend Hollywood Diva!! (For Plus sized gals).

2. Home Care Bitching

I know I said awhile back that I wasn’t going to talk about needing Home Care or the negative aspects of my MS. Well I lied. I just had an issue with my Home Care worker this week and want to bitch about her! I receive help on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. This past Monday was a holiday in Canada, not a stat., but a long weekend for most people, nonetheless. People who receive less than 7 days/week home care do not always get help on a holiday, even if it’s their “regular” day. So I wasn’t sure if she would be coming on Monday or not. But she called me at 8:30 a.m. (and woke me up) to tell me she would be here at 10:30. (Whyyyy call me so early, then??) Normally my help is supposed to come at 9-9:30 am. but I’m not picky if I’m going to be home that day, anyway. So… 10:30 came and went, and no Home Care. She never showed up and never called.

On Wednesday, I had to work at a client’s and Access was picking me up at 10:40 (I always make M-W-F workdays start later to give home care time). By 9:30 I figured if she wasn’t coming again, I better get myself ready. So I did, and she called me at 10:15 to say she’d be here within half an hour. I said “I’ll be gone by then,” and mentioned my time is supposed to be 9-9:30, which she knows, she has been coming here for weeks and knows that I often work Wednesdays. Anyway, she said she thought I’d be “sleeping”. I asked her about not showing up on Monday, and she said “after I called you I checked my schedule and noticed you weren’t on it, after all.” I asked her why she didn’t call me back then, and again she said that I wasn’t on her schedule, and I argued that she had called and SAID she was coming, and if she then realized I wasn’t on her schedule, how am I supposed to know that?? Grrrr. I called my Home Care nurse and requested that the woman I get on Fridays be my M-W-F helper if possible, because even though she barely understands English, at least she is reliable, plus she tidies up the bathroom after we’re done (which they are all supposed to do, but the other one never does) and does a little more to help me. I’m not sure if their schedules have been changed or not… I may not get what I want, but Harpal (my Friday lady) told me she would like to come all the time, if they ask her. “I like you, and I like your cats”. Heh

3. Menstrual Cycle (Move along, men).

I am every 28 days like CLOCKWORK. I literally know the exact day my period is going to start, and it’s only ever been off by a matter of hours. Well, it came a week early last time… it was supposed to be August 4, but it started July 28. I’m thinking the heat wave may have messed with my hormones or something, since it messes with MS. So, that screws up everything. Because now my next one will be August 24 and the one after that will be around September 21 and I will be in MONTREAL!!! Argh. Fingers crossed that it is late, okay??

4. Blog Interview

I forgot to post about this before. I was interviewed by this blog website thingy. You can read my interview and rate my blog (thumbs up, please!) right here. Oh, and the 3 top rated blogs in August win a few dollars, and you can vote once/day, so I am asking you, my dear readers, to support me and vote away!

Also, they are giving away prizes every day to a random comment contributor: “The more comments you make per day the more likely you are to be chosen. Ask your readers to vote for your blog interview and make at least one comment…maybe they’ll win something! Check back daily to see the previous day’s prize.”

5. Quantum Release Stuff

I had an epiphany! I was thinking about a session I had a few weeks ago, which was the best one ever, and I think I understand what it was all about and why I have been feeling so great. During that session, Kevin and I talked quite a bit, because my energy was “going nuts” and he had questions for me during it. (Usually we are very quiet, and I just lay there and relax with my eyes closed). First, a little “life background”… I think when I was 6, 7, 8 years old, was the happiest time of my life. I had a great childhood, and at that time, we lived in a house on a street in Winnipeg where there were lots of other kids. All I remember when I think back to that time, are the summers. The summers where all us kids played outside on the street (not much traffic at all, very nice residential neighbourhood) and in our yards; tag, hopscotch, hide and seek, etc. My best, best, best friend was Lynda, who lived next door. Her and I were inseperable and always upside down, doing cartwheels and handstands, playing on the swing set in my yard and the in sandbox. That was a very happy time for me and my brother; it was before my mom hurt her back, before we moved to Calgary, before I was old enough to want to have a mind of my own and my dad started his negative and controling behaviour, before my first diet (that was age 10, and it lead to a cycle that has obviously been VERY successful *cough cough*), before body/self image and self-esteem problems, etc. etc. etc. I could go on and on.

So… during that session, Kevin asked me where my family went on vacations when I was a kid. I said we didn’t really take big vacations; we did a lot of camping; we would go away for the weekend once in awhile and stay in a nice hotel with a pool/waterslide; we did go out to Alberta (Banff) when I was really little but I don’t remember that. Kevin mentioned that he was “seeing all these kids playing together, sand but no beach, stuff like that…” I said “oh, that was just our street and our house! We had a sandbox. We were always playing outside with the other kids.” He then said “I see a Lynda… I don’t know who she is to you, but I’m getting her energy” and I said “that was my best friend back then!”

Since that session, I have been feeling better and better emotionally; I just feel like I have no baggage or bad memories inside me. I feel so GOOD and happy inside. And it hit me… maybe that’s what happened… he brought my energy back to a time when I was happiest in my life! Pre All-the-shit-that-has-happened-since-then. That… is cool. And explains a lot.

6. Worst Thing That Could Ever Happen, Ever

I broke the carafe from my espresso maker. I wish I could blame a cat, but I cannot. It broke in the sink because of MY carelessness.

7. Weather

Okay, so the heat wave(s) have passed, and we’re “cold” now. As in, some rain and clouds. Big DEAL!! It’s not SO bad, and I totally prefer this Spring-like weather to being in the 30’s. What I don’t get, is all the same people who were whining about it being too hot, are now whining about it being too cold. Gimme a break! Is there no pleasing you? “I’m tired of this cold weather”. Oh, please. Tomorrow is +19°C and sunny, which I think is perfect. And I’ll be outside at the Mountainview Music Festival, so YAY!! More on that, next entry

I awoke quite startled the other day. I heard what sounded like a train going through my apartment, and shot up in bed, wondering what the hell it was. Well. You know those really crinkly plastic bags, that make a LOT of noise when you smash them between your hands and stuff? Not that you do that, but cats love those bags. And one of mine decided to crawl inside one (I sometimes leave the odd one on the floor for them to play with) and run up the hall and under my bed, chased by the other one. All I saw was a plastic bag racing under my bed followed by another cat, too fast to tell which one. Seriously, have you ever seen a plastic bag run?? It’s the funniest thing ever. And loud. Then I heard a thump, and all was quiet. I was worried she had hit her head or something? Oh my God, what happened?? I looked over the side of my bed, and there was the bag, but no cats to be seen. Later when I got up and went into the living room, I saw Pepper crouched in beside the sofa, looking like she was about to pounce on something/someone. I called Pita, and she slowwwly crept up the hall towards the living room, taking careful tip-toe steps, watching Pepper the whole time. So I settled into my chair, because obviously they were both okay, and playing some sort of game that didn’t involve me. So they tear assed up the hall again and chased each other around for awhile. Never a dull moment around here, with those two!

On Wednesday afternoon I had my free monthly shiteous housekeeping. Well, okay, it’s better than nothing, but really, if you see something like my coat on the floor, could you maybe pick it up instead of just vacuuming around it?? They sent me two girls this time, one that had been here before and a new one that I guess is being trained. The thing is, when I buzz someone into my building and then it takes 20 minutes for them to get to my door, I know I’m dealing with idiots. This goes for delivery people as well; some are deducted $1 from their tip. I realize there are no arrows pointing to which apartment numbers are which way, but if you go up one hall and don’t see mine, wouldn’t you just try the other hall? Instead of going upstairs to every other floor, wandering around aimlessly, before coming back to the main door and buzzing me again to ask where I am? And listening when I say “go to your right”? Instead of wandering around aimlessly until someone directs you up my hallway? And then, when I open the door, (after 20 minutes, I emphasize), I realize that one of you has BEEN HERE BEFORE? Not that long ago? Do you know what I’m getting at? Because I have no idea, I just keep asking questions??

Anyway, they were not the smartest cookies. I remembered the training session I had to put the one girl through with my cordless phone the last time she was here, but I guess it didn’t take (”hit Line 1. There is no Line 2. Just hit the Line 1 button and dial out. Then hit it again to hang up”) because I heard both of them hitting all sorts of buttons on that phone, beep beep beepity beep, talking to each other in their language, and finally giving up and coming to ask me if I had a phone they could use. I said “yes, you were just holding it”, and got up to show them where the phone was they had just put down. I pressed Line 1 to get the dialtone and handed it to her.

So, yes, although I am grateful to have free housekeeping for a couple hours/month, I just, you know, AAARRRGGGHHH!

I had a really great night out on Thursday. I met friends at the Ironwood for a special C-Jazz event, where Matt Masters was taking his first shot at singing old jazz standards in front of a live audience, and my friends the Polyjesters were playing with Terra Hazelton. It was such a great show… Terra has such an amazing and unique voice; as my friend Heather said, “she sounds like every Christmas carol you’ve ever heard”. So happy and joyous. But she also has her sexy, sassy and sultry side. She’s awesome. And the PJ’s were great playing with her. I see many more regular gigs with them all together in the future, because Terra is moving back to Alberta in the Spring (she lives in Toronto now, where she sings with Jeff Healey’s Jazz Wizards) and taking a break from Big City Living. We had dinner at the club earlier, and I had the same thing I had last time I was there - because I resist change and love Brie - the veggie burger with brie cheese. Heather ordered these glazed chicken strips that looked DELICIOUS, so both Michelle and I have decided we are getting those next time we go (which just happens to be this Thursday, to see Emm Gryner).

On Friday I went for my 8th Quantum Release session. We are back onto the emotional thing. Between this session and my last one, Kevin ran me through his biofeedback machine and did a brain scan and checked out my nervous system and everything, and didn’t find much coming up on the physical side. He switched to emotional and WHOOSH, there it was. I said “but last time you told me what Pat said about my emotional health being responsible for my physical health was a load of crap…” and he said that she was right, after all. (I KNEW IT!) I have way, way, way more going on in there emotionally than he realized, we just broke through the surface. “But I feel good, emotionally,” I insisted. “I thought we were done that part?” Nope, we’re not. I grumbled and started to whine “how bloody much more is there?!?” and Kevin looked at me sternly and said “do you want to get better, or not?” “Well, yeah,… but, can I wait a couple weeks before coming again, because I won’t have the money until then.” He said he really didn’t want to stop now. “I will comp the session next week. And I want you to know, I don’t comp anybody. I told you at the beginning this wasn’t about the money. Do you believe me now?” Yeah, $540 in free treatments, I do believe him. Plus, after this session he asked me questions about certain times in my life and what was going on, because he felt certain things and wanted to be sure we were on par. And we were. Then he got me talking about my Dad, and my anger there, and low and behold, I talked and talked and talked… so I guess it’s not “all gone”. He then suggested I write it all out, do the “unsent letter” thing. I pouted that I sort of hoped I could just come to these sessions, lay back, and get it all out of me without having to dredge it all up again. He said although that is possible, it would take a lot longer. So, in order to move the process along, I need to do the journaling exercise that my friend/client/Coach Ken has been bugging me to do for years as well. OKAY FINE. I’ll write the damn letter!

I received a call the other day from a woman who recently had triplets, and doesn’t want to go back to work, but thinks doing bookkeeping from home like I do would be a good way to make a few bucks without leaving the babies. She has a similar work background to what I did before this, mostly working in the one-girl-office environment and doing everything, including some accounting, but never full-cycle bookkeeping. Unlike me, though, she has never worked directly for another accountant that she can call with questions when starting out, nor taken any accounting courses (I did enter the CGA program, I just didn’t get very far before I had to quit, but I did get straight A’s in Financial Accounting I, II, Business Law, Marketing, and Simply Accounting. Ahem). Anyway, she is coming over on Thursday morning and I’m going to show her “what I do” and how I set stuff up. To be honest, it would be nice to sort of train someone on how I do things, (THE RIGHT WAY), and have someone to refer people that are referred to me to (got that?) As much as I’d like to take on the World’s books and make sure they are done properly and everything is neatly reconciled, it’s just is not possible. I am but one mere human.

I’ve had a really busy week and haven’t updated so get yourselves comfy for a long one!

Sunday was Mother’s Day. My mom and Bob came into town, and I can finally mention WHY that box from Shaklee waiting for me at the post office was so damn heavy: because I bought my mom one of the Get Clean Healthy Home kits as well. I mean, that’s what moms do, right? Clean? Hehe Anyway, I knew she would appreciate it and she did.

We wanted to go to Olive Garden and hoped it wouldn’t be too much of a wait at 2:30… but of course, we were wrong. Over an hour wait, so we went next door to Red Lobster instead. I don’t like seafood, but they have a yummy chicken and spinach alfredo pasta dish just for me. And their bottomless baskets of biscuits… yum! We won’t even discuss the desserts… let’s just say, we all left overstuffed and feeling like we were going to be sick from eating so much. Yeah. Not smart.

On Monday, between working at home, I went for my second biofeedback session. During the session, Kevin mentioned that due to how deep-seeded my emotional blocks are, biofeedback could only do so much for me. I may want to consider Quantum Release Therapy instead, as it goes much deeper. I read the pamphlet explaining quantum release, and it’s like it was written for me personally:

Quantum Physics has shown us that everything in this world is energy. When events happen in our lives - whether physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, our energy patterns are affected. These shifts can affect us in many different ways and on many different levels. Some individuals experience this in their relationships, continually attracting people of a lower vibration into their lives. Others feel a sense of overwhelm or develop destructive subconscious beliefs and behaviours. In some cases, energy shifts can lead to acute or chronic physical conditions that negatively impact their quality of life.

While other forms of energy healing focus on the Chakras, Quantum Release Therapy goes much deeper, working at the basic energenic or quantum level. Using a combination of gentle touch and non-touch techniques, this non-invasive process realigns your body’s biorhythms, raises your vibrations and brings the body back to its natural state of balance.

Kevin stopped the biofeedback a few minutes early and gave me a little 20 minute quantum release freebie to give me an idea of what it’s like. I know it may sound crazy to some of you, but I have always believed that my health problems are deeply connected to my emotional crap from as far back as I can remember. And I’ve been through a lot. I know I have hung on to it and pushed it down deeper and deeper and used food to mask my pain and all that. To me, this quantum stuff makes perfect sense and I think it’s the answer I have been looking for all these years. So I’m going for it.

On Tuesday, my friend Lisa came over and before we left for lunch, she helped me clean up some broken glass from a vase of flowers I broke the day before (oops) and I showed her the transcript my mom typed up for me from the notes she took when I saw that psychic, Pat, on May 4th. She agreed that Pat is the REAL deal (she’s the one that told me about her) and was also amazed at my reading. Then we went for lunch at My Favourite Vietnamese Restaurant, where the service rarely comes with a smile, but the food is good. It was so good to see Lisa, we don’t get together nearly enough. She even brought treats and toys for Pita and Pepper (and some pastries for me, too. She figures, since she doesn’t eat chocolate anymore and is on a real health kick, she can’t eat all these treats she goes ga-ga over, so she buys them for other people to enjoy! So when, I wonder, is she going to visit Buttercream Bake Shoppe?)

On Wednesday, I worked at Troy’s. Melanie was there again, filling in for Crystal who was moving that day. Since Troy and a few of the techs were around at lunch time, Troy decided to take us all for lunch. Hooter’s was the place to be! Ladies’ Wednesday, so Mel and I got 20% off, and it was a gorgeous day so we sat on the patio. I drank a daiquiri because it was definitely the sort of day where you want to sit on the patio and have a slushy “girl drink”… but since this is Hooter’s, it comes in a big plastic cup with no little umbrellas or fruit or anything, so it sort of takes away from the whole mood I was looking for. It’s like… drinking your latte out of a beer mug. It just doesn’t feel right.

When I got home, my friend Anna-Marie from Toronto called. I haven’t talked to her in ages! I only had her work email address, so I’m glad she finally called because it turns out she was laid off several months ago. She’s pretty happy about it… she was there for many years and was feeling a lot of stress. She’s recently divorced and dealing with all that too, so now she has some time off to get her life sorted and maybe travel a bit (possibly to visit me this summer!) before looking for another job.

Then I went to the mall to go purse shopping. I realized I haven’t worn my pink Crocs yet, because my bag is orange, and I just can’t do that. Melanie has this great bag that is reversable… one side is pink and white, the other denim. I thought I would look for something like that, but I couldn’t find anything. I did, however, find the Perfect Neutral Purse at Bentley’s for only $19.97:

Velcro closures! No more fighting with snaps and zippers to close side pockets! And one side pocket is perfect for my cell phone, the other for keys, and the front for pens, lip stuff, etc. so no more losing those items to the deepest depths of my purse! Perfection!

And since they had piles of purses on sale, I snatched up a pink bag for $10 that has a long enough strap to wear like a messenger bag (that’s easiest for me!) and will go with my pink Crocs and another pair of pink sandals I have.

Okay, so they’re not the EXACT same colour of pink, but close enough.

So my designer bag with the material-that-always-gets-caught-in-the-zipper-and-drives-me-crazy will be retiring for awhile and I’m back to my good ‘ol cheap purses.

On Thursday, I worked at the Pub. It was a long day because I’ve got lots to do there, so I was earlier than usual, and wouldn’t you know it, my ride home was super late. After waiting half an hour I called Access to ask about it, and it turned out they hadn’t even dispatched a vehicle for me yet, they were still looking for a driver to take the trip. Which pisses me off, because I had scheduled the trip a week before! Because my schedule isn’t predictable, and I book my rides week by week, my trips are all considered “casual” so I’m not on any “regular” runs. If I worked at the same place on the same days and same hours every week, I would be on a regular subscription run and this wouldn’t happen to me so much. Well I’m SORRY my life doesn’t fit into your BOX.

The season finale of The Office was on Thursday night and it was great! I freakin’ love that show.

(Stolen from my cousin Carrie’s Facebook page):

Dwight Schrute: “Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama, after his epic battle with Ravina, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.”

Michael Scott: “All right, all right. This isn’t Lord of the Rings.”

Friday (yesterday) I went for my first full-length quantum release session. After we finished, Kevin told me I have so many layers to get rid of… I am like this little person inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box… about 14 times over. This is nothing new to me, I know it’s all in there pretty deep! He said it’s going to take awhile to get to the root of it all, bring it to the surface and release it. We’re just stirring it up a bit right now. He had told me before that he wants his clients to commit to 6 sessions before they start, which I agreed to, because nothing happens overnight. So I hope 6 sessions is enough, but I will do more if I need to. He also told me if I experience anger or sadness this week for no apparent reason, to just let it happen and not try to figure out what’s going on. I’m still a little worried that if things start “coming to the surface” I may just subconsciously push them down again, like I always have, but he assured me that won’t happen. I’m really hoping this is my answer.

Friday night I fell into the trap and joined Crackbook Facebook. I’ve got so many friends over there and I’d been hearing it’s better than MySpace and blah blah blah, so even after saying I’d never do it because I don’t NEED another place on the internet to be addicted to, I did it. It’s been 24 hours and I’m already addicted. Damn you, Facebook, damn you.

Today I worked and worked, then went to the mall, and tonight I’m catching up on my movie watching. Tomorrow I’m off to a BBQ at my friend Christine’s, which will be a BLAST. It’s her annual “girl’s only” BBQ and if it’s anything like last year, it will be a hoot!

Okay, this entry is long enough, it’s time to watch movies and cuddle with these two.

Today was a fascinating day. I was thoroughly enlightened by Eva Marsh and her research, stories, experience and living proof that self healing and recovery from MS is possible. I saw Eva speak 4 years ago at one of her workshops, but perhaps at that time I wasn’t really ready to listen. Today she spoke more about Quantum Physics and the role it has in healing. Since I last met her, she has studied quantum physics thoroughly, become an NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) practitioner, and Wel-Systems Master Facilitator (all that in the past 4 years, and she is 62) and this is after getting her Masters in Electrical Engineering and a Bachelors in Physics as a single mother of two. Needless to say, Eva Marsh is an incredibly amazing and inspiring woman. And REALLY smart.

Today, I am ready to listen. And act. Together with what I learned on May 5th after seeing Pat, today after seeing Eva, and my biofeedback treatments (and my chiropractor and Living Well classes, etc. etc.) I am on my way to recovery. In order to do that, however, I need to make a few changes around here. I’ve taken down any links pertaining to MS (no offence to other MS bloggers, this is my thing) and don’t want to talk about it any more. I will, at times, talk about my triumphs and recovery, and I will always have my opinions about the pharmaceutical industry (strengthened tenfold today, I’m even going to wean myself off my MS drug, there is just no point) (this is MY OPINION and I am in no way telling readers to stop taking their medication!!) and health in general, I’m just going to cut way, way back on the MS talk. As Eva says, every doctor and many other people have told her over the years that she is “in denial”. SO. WHAT. That’s not a bad thing! I’d rather be in denial than in a wheelchair! I have talked before about how all the research I did back in the beginning about MS did more harm than good for me, because it scared me so much. I eventually started getting the symptoms I feared.

Oh, that reminds me… did anyone see House on Friday night?? Speaking of medication and our minds… Eva was talking about how “sure, if you believe your medication is helping, then it is…” and it reminded me of House and his PAIN that some doctors were telling him was psychological, and he finally got his boss to give him a shot of morphine. That relieved the pain for a couple days and when he went back for more, he said “just give me the same dose you gave me before”, and she said, “I didn’t give you morphine before… it was a saline solution”. OoooOooOooOOo that was a powerful scene.

So, no more talk of having MS here. No more talk about struggling to get up from a chair or to walk, or Home Care, or hospitals. It was actually my mom that suggested I do this when I was on the phone with her earlier. She suggested I delete MS related links and stop talking about MS here. I was stumped… I didn’t want to say what I was thinking… which is also on one of the forms Eva gave us with questions to ponder…

What am I, without MS??

Let’s find out.

“We don’t know about MS… but without us, you’re nothing!”

FOR THE RECORD: Yes, I like The Secret and what it teaches about the Law of Attraction and all that stuff, but let it be known that I hate, hate, HATE the way it is being marketed on that website, and I hate, hate, HATE the beginning of the DVD. Argh! It’s not Raiders of the bloody Lost Ark in the Kingdom of the Holy Grail for chrissakes. You need to know this because, I’ll be talking about it a lot, and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea, like that I actually think that is cool or something. Because I SO DO NOT.

Yesterday my class at Living Well was toooo much. They told us last week that the classes were going to start beginning half an hour earlier from this point on, 12:30 instead of 1:00. Me, being the brainiac I am, assumed that meant the classes would also end half an hour earlier. Not so! Ugh. Their reasoning is they want to start devoting the first hour to education/lectures instead of just half an hour, then an hour and a quarter for group warm up, cardio, balance and whatever other exercises you want/can do, and group cool down/strengthening/stretching. The problem was, our lecture only lasted until 1:00, so that added extra exercise time on. I was in really bad shape by the end, and the rest of the day. I’m going to have to tell them when I arrive from now on that I know my body and what it can do, and 2 bloody hours is too much for me. I may not, in the future, sit with the group to cool down and stretch, I will do it myself, then leave if I have to. I won’t overdo it like that to please them ever again. It pisses me off that the therapists there say they have worked with so many people with MS. Well, then, you should know better! The length of the class is too long.

I’m the only person with MS in the class right now, though. I don’t know what problems everyone else has, except there is one lady who is blind in one eye (no other problems, except that she’s getting older. Aging… the new chronic illness!) and there is a sweet teeny tiny old lady, all 90 pounds of her, that uses a cane but doesn’t even touch it to the ground most of the time. She just carries it around! She’s a funny one, as most little old ladies are (well, I guess it’s either that or miserable old hag!) She says she has trouble finding clothes in her size, she’s so tiny. One woman suggested she try the Girl’s department, but she gave her a funny look. I interpreted it to mean “I don’t want to wear ‘Hello Kitty’ sweaters, thanks”. Oh, to be a size 4 petite and have trouble finding clothes… that’s a problem I could live with.

Anyway, once I got home I realized the therapist who helped me attach my walker to my scooter, did something weird when attaching the pulleys and I wasn’t able to remove them without a great struggle. I bitched out loud and called her every name in the book while I struggled and almost cried in frustration. It’s THAT easy to go from a positive feeling of gratitude and good thoughts (to attract the good stuff, y’know) to a negative headspace. I’m learning to catch myself and turn it around, but it’s hard!! This Secret stuff isn’t SO easy, you know. It’s going to take practice. It’s not hard, it’s not hard, it’s not hard…

Around 5:00 AH dropped by to try one of my lattes. He wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and since I have recently made him a bit of a latte addict, he may get himself a machine to save him some money. Heh. He watched me make one and saw that it was pretty darn easy (but wait… if he gets a machine, he will be calling me 20 times to ask me questions, because he is a man and won’t read the instruction manual). He really liked the latte I made him, and I expect he’ll drop by for another one some day soon. I also loaned him my extra copy of The Secret DVD, because he needs it like I do. We’re very much alike in the way that we appear positive and hopeful on the outside, but inside there is that little negative “yeah, right, sure, whatever” voice. That needs to be KILLED.

This morning, I decided to start my day the Secret way. (Poet, know it!) I woke up and said “thank you” and voiced how grateful I was for my comfortable bed and my good sleep and my cats (and whatever was around me). I planned my day… that AH was going to pick me up, either to take me to work or bring me home, that there would be a Tim Horton’s coffee waiting for me (last week Crystal forgot! OhMyHeavens!) and I would “roll up the rim to win” and win something, and that I would have a good day, etc. etc. I was sitting at my computer waiting for my ride, when I saw the yellow of an Access car whiz by out of the corner of my eye. “Oh, that is AH”, I thought to myself. I waited for the buzz, but when it didn’t come, I looked out the window and saw my neighbour getting in… and AH helping him! Damn, he was picking up my neighbour, not me*. No worries, I thought, he’ll bring me home later. I got to the office and drank my coffee, rolled up the rim, and won a DONUT! Ahhh… that’ll teach me. I must be more specific in visualizing “win CAR”.

Around 1:00 I text messaged AH, “are you picking me up today?” knowing full well that he would be. I almost typed “I think you are, because I planned it that way” but didn’t, for fear that he would think I’m crazy or had some “in” with Access he wasn’t aware of. Anyway, soon enough, there he was, at the door. I said “I KNEW IT! I planned this! The Secret works omgomgomg!” Eeeeee! It works! That totally proves it.

There were two other people in the car already, so I had to sit in the back seat. It doesn’t matter how much room there is, I always have a hell of a time getting out of the back seat, and need the driver’s help to stand up. This time, I expected that I wouldn’t. And I didn’t, I got out very easily. I looked at AH and said “wow! I haven’t stood up from the back seat so easily in AGES!” He asked why, and I pointed to my brain. Hehe! Then I checked my mailbox on the way in, and there was a cheque in there. A small one, but still, a cheque. And the Secret mentions that… “if you check your mailbox every day expecting to see bills, you are going to get bills, so you don’t think you’re crazy. Do yourself a favour… start expecting cheques!” Now I need to expand to bigger and better things, and get rid of that little doubt in the back of my mind.

You don’t even need to watch the Secret DVD. Just read my blog! I may be boring the pants off some of you and you’re rolling your eyes at me, but this kind of stuff excites me! It charges me up and makes me believe anything is possible. And I truly need that on a permanent basis!

I’d like to say the Power of my Mind was responsible for the drug dealers across the hall moving out, but I’m not so sure about that. Although, I certainly did hope for that a lot, and they have moved out, so maybe I had something to do with it. I have no idea who lives there now, but it’s been weeks since I’ve seen any strange young guys wandering around here, coming and going from that apartment. I’m positive they have moved because that apartment has been silent, and no smells drifting out of it. Ohhhh time to visualize a hot, young-ish, single guy (WITH A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR) moving in across the hall, who loves lattes and cats.

A little hitch in my field of work. The CRA’s website is having technical difficulties and cannot accept online filing of tax returns, and they’re unable to process any tax returns at all right now. Refunds are being held up and everything. I hope it gets working again soon (it’s been down for a few days already) because I want my $78 refund! Hee. I also have my neighbour’s completed tax return sitting here waiting to file and more on the way. The website problems have been all over the news, so it certainly isn’t just a little glitch. I feel bad for the big accounting firms and H&R Block!

*He told me later that he was going to honk when he drove by my window, but he knew I would then think he was there for me and come out, so he didn’t.