Can You Hear Me Now?

Okay, I know, I’m a bad blogger with my inconsistent updates! My treatment didn’t give me back the use of my right hand or improved vision or any of that stuff (yet) that would make this blogging process easier.

I have good days and bad days with my fatigue. I think overall it is better than it was. It seems like before a symptom improves it goes back and forth for awhile and then it stays gone. Like the being able to scratch an itch on my right side without going into major painful spasms. I thought it was a sure thing, then it came back, then went away, came back… now it has been about a week so I think I can safely say it’s gone and I can scratch! So maybe the fatigue will be gone for good soon. My brother’s girlfriend commented today that my eyes definitely look better, like they are in focus. That hasn’t reached my brain yet, but I hope it will! And my bladder… fingers crossed that will improve, too. Today is a pretty good day with that so perhaps it’s starting.

My body has been deprived of proper blood flow for soooooo long. I need to keep reminding myself that this will not happen overnight. But it’s hard when you see your friends jumping up and down 24 hours after their treatments even when they have had MS as long as you. Or handwriting again. Or using a fork. Sigh… we are all different blah blah blah I know.

I owe you an entry all about my trip to Costa Rica. I’m not sure I’ll actually get around to it, there’s too much to type about! Maybe I’ll do a bulleted version at some point. Right now I just want to do an update to show off my new award:

Which I think they just sent to every MS blog they could find, because they told me my “readers voted” but who actually reads this? LOL That’s why I took out their link. If I ever find out it’s the real deal and people voted I’ll give them credit. Until then, they are spam, but I’ll display the badge! Not sure how to put things on my side bar permanently with a Wordpress template.

I am taking a huge step forward with my health. I figured, I spent (well, my family and some dear friends) a fortune going to Costa Rica for a medical procedure that may have saved my life, so what’s the harm in spending more for some other help I really need. I am going off sleeping pills! I am going to end this 8+ year addiction once and for all and end this vicious cycle I have been on for years. You know… the pills don’t work anymore so I need more and I barely sleep anyway but I’m so addicted I can’t even fall asleep in the first place without them… it’s been rough. And the side effects of sleeping pills are surely making my MS symptoms worse than they would be (double vision! Blurry vision! Dizziness! Balance issues! Etc.!) So I was searching for answers and stumbled upon Point of Return and after thoroughly reading through their site I decided to go for it. The fact their lead physician has progressive MS and has managed to keep it in check with nutrition didn’t hurt, either. Before I even received my package I filled out a big questionnaire and then received a lovely personal response from the founder who gave me some great advice and hope. Reading her story in the book they send you made me cry! Although I am not on as many pills as she was (antidepressants, sleep meds, anti-anxiety, pain, you name it) I totally identified with her and the way she described how the pills take over your life and change your personality and the core of who you are. I just bawled and bawled and now believe there is hope for me, too. I am on day 9 of my pre-tapering nutritional build up and will begin tapering next weekend. My doctor wrote a prescription for the compound pharmacy to taper me 5% a week for 20 weeks. They called and told me that made for odd amounts so they would taper me 1/2 mg/week which I agreed to, but now I realize that is 30 weeks instead of 20 so I need to call them on Monday. I don’t want this to take longer than it has to (plus the products are expensive and you need to stay on them while tapering, it’s part of the program and I’m not doing this half way!)

One thing the founder asked me to do is try to cut back on the Ibuprofen I take because that interferes with sleep. I take an extra strength ibuprofen every night at bedtime, and often another one or two throughout the night, because of my hip pain and basic aches and pains my body gets from just not being able to move properly. Been doing that for years. My friend Beth, who used to be a nurse, was here (first time we had hung out in over 20 years, thanks Facebook!) and I asked “what am I supposed to take, if not ibuprofen? It’s the only thing that seems to help…” and she said “Willow Bark. It’s an anti-inflammatory”. And I was all… huh? You can buy willow bark at the health food store so the next day I found some, and have NOT TAKEN AN IBUPROFEN SINCE. It’s amazing! It really works! For headaches, menstrual pain, and all my hip and body pains. I only take 2 at bedtime and don’t need a repeat during the night. Amazing!

Another thing I’ve had to quit is my 5-HTP and calcium supplements. There’s a whole list of things I need to avoid while tapering off sleeping pills, including bananas! Oh, the doctor in Kuwait who is doing all the CCSVI research (Kuwait is one country that has approved the procedure for ALL MS patients to get right away) is swearing up and down that “I am 100% sure that overloaded Calcium is the main reason tor MS- CCSVI . And 72 other diseases”. He suggests stopping calcium and even Vit. D because it is a calcium retainer. “So keep taking Magnesium and B6 till all MS syndromes disappear.” Hm. Interesting. I know of a woman who, after tons of research and reading papers by a “world expert on the entire architecture of the motor neurons in the central nervous system” started taking calcium channel blockers and her MS is in remission. I Know two woman with MS who swear by large doses of B6. So there may be something to all this! No more calcium supplements for me and I better get me some vitamin B6.

In the meantime, I am taking my glutathione and Omega 3 to build up my system so it can handle the Big Sleeping Pill Taper of 2010™ .

I will leave you with this:

This man must be Calgary’s next Mayor.
Click photo for more info!

I had to update my blog if for no other reason than to tell you that I saw this woman, whom I’ve thought of often over the past 5+ years, tonight. We (dad and I) went to the laundry room to put my clothes in the dryer. There was an old lady in there, taking things out of the dryer and putting them on hangers. She was sitting on her walker, and looked like a resident here. My dad asked her what floor she lives on, and she said “oh, I don’t live here, my son does. I’m 90 years old and I’m doing his laundry!” I gasped and started babbling. “Has your son been here for over 35 years? Is he here because of a messed up brain surgery? I met you years ago in an Access taxi. I have repeated that story many times.” My dad helped her hang up the laundry and carried it back to her son’s room for her. This time I got her name, her son’s name, and what unit he lives in. I’ll have to go looking for him one day. Funny how I ended up living (for the time being, anyway) in the same place as her son. Funny or sad, depending on how you look at it.

I went home again for a few hours yesterday. I got the work finished I needed to before the end of the month, and of course cuddled kitties. Pita is none to happy, now that she seems to get what is going on. She was super excited to see me and both cats took turns hitting up my lap. But when it was time to go, Pita let out the whines and cries. She knows I don’t go out for “just a few hours” anymore. It’s like she was crying, “what are you doing? Where are you taking her? She just got here!” Sniff. I didn’t cry this time, though. I’m not even crying while writing about them here, this time. I’m toughening up.

Okay so several people have suggested that living here permanently (on the first floor where they have permanent long term care residents, many with MS) wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Let me make something clear: I NEED TO SHOWER MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK. That’s all they can manage here. Aside from the fact I can’t have my cats here, I NEED TO SHOWER MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK. Ideally, I’d like my own bathroom with a tub so I can set it up like at home, then all I need is someone to lift my leg over the side of the tub when I sit down, so I can shower myself. EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY. Tomorrow I have an appointment for a hair cut (and wash) and then on Thursday I get my SHOWER so at least I have some freshness to look forward to. I can’t wait!

I’ve been using my TENS/EMS machine the past few days. I still need a proper lesson on where to put the pads, but I can already tell it’s helping a little. Today at dinner I moved a finger on my right hand. Not much, but more than I’ve seen in awhile! I also lifted my own legs on to the bed tonight, which I’m not sure was because the bed was lower than usual, or EMS. I won’t get too excited until I can lift my foot to walk again, though! Today when I did my little walk with my AFO on, I noticed a big problem is I don’t (can’t) bend my right knee when I walk. My left leg goes normally and I “swing” my right leg around. That would explain my bad hips; my gait has been f*cked for years, slowly getting to this worst point. Hopefully when physio gets back into their regular routine after the holidays they will work with me on that! I used the MOTOmed for 10 minutes today, during which I told the PT Asst. that I miss the stretches home care gave me 4X/week, that my arm/hand hasn’t been stretched out since I got here. So the dear stretched out my arm and hand while I pedaled, and said she would do that every day now. Yay!

I met with the Recreational Therapist today. I told her I had seen the rec. calendar for all the Carewest facilities in the city, hanging up downstairs. Lots of outings and activities. She told me those were all for the permanent long term care residents, not for us. Boo! This unit is considered short term care, for rehab/recovery (like when I broke bones and stayed in this kind of place) and then to send you back to where you came from. Although, it has become longer term care for many, like me, who will be living here until there is an opening in a long term situation. So we deserve outings, too. The first floor even has Friday “happy hour” in the cafeteria where they serve BOOZE really cheap. We are not welcome. However, it is open to first floor residents and their families and VISITING FRIENDS, so I shall make friends with someone down there. I also found out who books the entertainment in the coliseum, so I will be talking to her about getting the Polyjesters in here. They will be a big hit with the coherant crowd!

Well, I’m off to get my beauty sleep before my haircut tomorrow. My mom is also visiting. I told my dad he is NOT allowed to come tomorrow, he needs to take a day off!!

I need to VENT, oh my God.

Remember in the past I mentioned I had a neighbour with MS named Richard, who moved out because he didn’t feel safe? No? Well, I did. And in his place moved in a lady I will call “Cindy”. Cindy is in a wheelchair, and I see her out my window almost every day wheeling herself to UnNamed Department Store where she works. I have learned through our brief encounters in the hallway or at the mall that she has cerebral palsy and a boyfriend named Nathan. Every time I see her on that wheelchair pushing herself to work I think “man, that woman has so much courage” and “she needs a power chair”. I mentioned that to her one day, and she told me she was applying for a power chair through Easter Seals. She just needed “one more name” to put down as a contact. This was my first hint that she doesn’t have a lot of support in her life, and of course I gave her my name and number to put down as a contact.

I asked her if she got any home care. She said no. I asked her if she had a proper walker (she can walk a tiny bit, and you can’t be 100% wheelchair bound in these apartments anyway because of the kitchens and bathrooms sizes, so I knew she must use a walker). She said she has a crappy one that breaks when she puts a lot of weight on it. She has no feeling in her legs and feet from the knees down, so it’s safe to say she needs to put weight on it. I told her about home care and to get registered with them, but didn’t take it any further than that at the time.

Yesterday I bumped into Nathan as he was leaving Cindy’s apartment with a bag of garbage. “Just taking out the garbage. Cindy needs a lot of help”. I said “she really needs to look into getting home care!” He said “oh, she can’t afford that.” I gulped. “It’s FREE! I get someone every day!” He looked dumbfounded. So today, while I was going for my little walk up and down the hall with my home care worker, Cindy came out to check her mail. I asked her to please come over and see me if she had time, and since she didn’t start work until 3:00, she came right over.

After talking with her for awhile, I learned that she not only has CP, but suffered a stroke 5 years ago which resulted in a 3 month hospital stay and some permanent disability. Her father committed suicide 15 years ago. Her mother and brother are here, but it doesn’t sound like she sees them much. “They hate Nathan”. I asked about Nathan… how they met, how long they’d been together, and her responses made me ill. For starters, he won’t help her with anything unless she pays him. He’s skitzophrenic. They met about 10 years ago in a food court at a mall. Nathan was there with his girlfriend at the time, also in a wheelchair. He walked up to Cindy, told her she was beautiful, and that he’d like to buy her dinner (in the food court! In front of his girlfriend! SCORE!) Cindy asked “what about your girlfriend?” and he said “oh, she can just take a Handi-Bus home”. Seriously! I was all… “uh… Cindy? Would that not be a sign that he would not be a good boyfriend?” I think she knows, but feels kinda stuck. He takes her grocery shopping and stuff. (As long as he’s paid). I asked her if she ever felt unsafe with him? Oh, yes. She used to live with him but moved out because he was violent. At least she had the smarts/guts to do that, but she can’t seem to get rid of him completely. She relies on the little help he gives her (for pay).

I picked up the phone and called my Home Care nurse to get the main home care number for new registrants. I spent the next hour on the phone with various intake workers and nurses, giving them Cindy’s info. I learned (because I was going between asking Cindy questions and telling the nurse) that Cindy can’t get herself in and out of her bathtub, and can’t even take a shower (she has a bath bench for showering) because she can’t afford the shower curtain and hand held shower head she needs to take one. FUCK. Seriously? She can’t even afford a fucking shower curtain, yet dickhead takes her money? Guess what I’ll be buying for her next time I get to the mall. She struggles to clean and dress herself, which is all you need to apply for home care. They are sending out an occupational therapist next week to assess her. She should be able to get a decent walker, poles, railings in the tub and other equipment she may need to help her in her home. As well as someone to help with bathing and dressing on a regular basis. I also hope they help her get a power chair… she would sure use it more than I use mine. And I’m pretty sure Easter Seals won’t buy her one unless she has first been turned down by the government. And she hasn’t even gone that route yet.

But that’s a conversation for another day. I will help her write a Client Impact Statement for her application. I’m her self-proclaimed Advocate, now. I can’t make her break up with Nathan, but hopefully I have steered her in a direction that she may not need to rely on him as much and will tell him to leave on her own. Fingers crossed.

Hello, I’m here, still alive. Just so far behind in posting anything that I’m going to do this in note form to get caught up. I will need to review Twitter and Facebook statuses to remember my life.

Oh, but first, I want to point something out. I realized something recently that I forgot to mention in my last post. If you have EVER written me an email to my donna@innereyes address or left me a comment that you thought I would respond to (especially first time commenters) and you never heard back from me, it’s because I learned via something Robyn said in her Wordpress blog that spam filters are catching these emails. That was a major “A-HA” moment for me, because I have received a lot of nice emails out of the blue from readers, and I have answered every one of them by just hitting “reply” and using the default innereyes address they sent it to, yet I never heard a peep from these people again, even when I asked them a question back. So I am SO SORRY! I receive all the emails and comments that get sent to innereyes, but I will respond from a different address from now on. This has probably been going on for years! Don’t hate me, if you’re even still reading or you stopped because you thought I was a stuck up snob. I DID respond to you!!

Anyway, about my exciting life you keep coming back to check on:

- I got my PVR hooked up. Telus said they’d be here between noon and 2:00, and they book “4 to 5 hours for the installation”. They arrived at noon, it took 15 minutes max, then they left. No doubt to go spend the sunny afternoon on a patio somewhere on their employer’s dime.

- I love my PVR

- A client came by with his tax stuff (yes, he’s always late) and because the receipts were an unorganized, wrinkled mess-in-a-box, I sent him home and told him to come back when they’re sorted. That USED to be my job, but I am so over that shit. Between my vision issues and the use of only one hand, I am not fighting with receipts anymore. And it really doesn’t bother me if I lose clients over it. I’m not enjoying my work much anymore, so I think it’s time to figure out something else I can still do. Like write that damn book…

- “Samantha Who?”, a TV show I absolutely love, has been cancelled. I joined the Twitter campaign to save it, but I don’t know if it’s helping. Catch the final previously unaired episodes Thursdays starting June 25 on ABC (John Taylor from Duran Duran is on the 25th! Wheee!) They’re showing repeats on Friday nights until then. Great show. Stupid ABC.

- Speaking of stupid ABC, I am watching The Bachelorette although I’m not really paying attention. I do hope the best for my Alberta girl Jillian, however. She’s a sweetie and, hey, the Calgary Stampede was even mentioned in one episode. Yeehaw!

- They did a cockroach inspection in my building because there have “been complaints”. SHIIIIIIT!!! There is no sign of them in my apartment, thank God (and kitty cats), and I hope and pray it stays that way. Once roaches invade a building that is IT. I’m hoping the complainers were really seeing small mice. Because I’ve had that problem and DID get rid of that!

- I’ve been going for physio fairly regularly. Unfortunately, the entire process of arranging the ride, getting out of my apartment, waiting for the ride, the ride itself, exercising, then doing it all again in reverse is sometimes too much for me that day and I have to cancel. Oh, how I wish we could get PT in our homes. The Range of Motion I get from my home care worker is great, and I got it increased to 4X/week, but it’s just simple stretches and doesn’t do anything to improve strength.

- The Executive Producer of the Oprah show is following me on Twitter. She asked her thousands of followers to tell her how long they’d been watching, favourite episodes, etc. and she would follow a few back. I sent several messages because I have been watching Oprah since 1812, and even remember her appearances on The Tonight Show and David Letterman back when she was promoting The Color Purple and her “new show”. So her Exec. Prod. Sheri Salata is following me now and I have yet to say anything brilliant to make her think “wow, we must fly that girl to Chicago and put her on the show.” Maybe she’s not too impressed that I whined about the cost of shipping an Oprah show mug (not to her, just in general). But, seriously? I got an Ellen Degeneres show mug, a book, and shipping to Canada, all for $35US. An Oprah mug is $12 PLUS $35 for shipping! I can’t justify that. I love my Ellen mug, by the way. Great handle.

- AH has been in Lebanon for the past couple of weeks. One of the political parties there offered to fly out any Canadian families with dual citizenship for free, for 30 days, if they voted for them. Not too corrupt now, is it? I don’t know the voting procedures over there, but I’d like to know how they can be sure the vote is going to them? Anyway, I guess their tactic worked because they won.

- I attended a mini high school reunion of a bunch of us ladies that went to school together. It was all organized through our re-connecting on Facebook. It was great fun, my friend Lisa picked me up and although I was assured the location was wheelchair accessible, our gathering was held in a private room that was up two little steps (with no railing otherwise I could have managed). I don’t have one of those chairs you can tilt backwards to roll up steps (I have safety bars to keep it from tilting backwards, but times like this it would be nice to be able to remove them). So two big, strong bartenders carried me in my chair up the steps. Times like this it would also be nice to weigh 92 pounds. Anyway, we had fun, the food and service was amazing, everyone looked fabulous, have fabulous lives and families and money, and I came home and wanted to stab myself. Heh.

- The following weekend my friend Kim and her daughter came into town (from Red Deer area) and we went to Cora’s for lunch. I want to eat there every day.

***Tee hee! I started typing this entry several days ago and right now it is Sunday, June 14. Today my dad, brother and his girlfriend picked me up to go for lunch and wandering through Prince’s Island Park. I talked them into going to Cora’s for lunch. Hee!***

- I downloaded and have been listening to Deepak Chopra’s “Quantum Healing” audiobook. It makes so much sense. I was shocked to hear it was recorded in 1989. That’s 20 years ago! He was talking about this stuff even back then! I wish I had heard it 20 years ago. Of course, 20 years ago I was in good health and wouldn’t have sought it out. That’s the thing; when you are in good health, you don’t think about your health. When you’re struggling with your health, it is all you can think about. Therein lies one of the problems. An interesting part of the audio is the good reminder that our cells are constantly dying off and being replaced with new ones. The skin is replaced every month, the liver every 6 weeks. Over the course of a year we have an entire new brain! The stomach tumor diagnosed a few months ago is not composed of the same set of cells as is there today, now repeating the pattern that was set into place earlier. Our cells replicate based on our patterns and beliefs. Happy thoughts produce happy molecules, unhappy thoughts produce unhappy molecules. Although cases of spontaneous deathly cancer cures and disease remissions are rare, they do happen enough to believe it is possible to change our patterns and heal. Chopra says “everyone’s body knows how to heal a cut. Apparently a few people have bodies that know how to cure cancer. Every day a few cancer cells arise in your body, and automatically the DNA, the intelligence in your body knows how to take care of them. So called “spontaneous” remissions are nothing more than an exaggerated phenomenon of what is happening all the time”. There is a lot more to it than that, obviously, and it makes me want to look into Ayurvedic medicine a lot more. I’d like a body that knows how to heal MS! Louise Hay has always said to use the healing affirmation “I am willing to release the pattern in me that has created this condition.” I do say that every day, but not very often and I probably follow it shortly after with a swear word or two so a lot of good that does me!

- Speaking of cells and cell health, I’ve been taking StemEnhance in the large doses for just over a month now. No difference yet. But if the new stem cells I’m making are a part of my old MS thought pattern, and I don’t make healthy cells, then by enhancing the amount I make, could I be making myself worse? Ahhhhh. Of course the scientist behind the product would say “no”, but my basic common sense has me wondering. So every time I take 2 StemEnhance capsules I now follow it with a 1/4 tsp. of Ambrotose, which is supposed to support cellular health and “cell to cell” communication. I know from personal experience (I started taking Ambrotose in 2000) that it is a good product and certainly helps with MS fatigue, but like every other supplement I got lazy about taking it and the cost is so high… but since I have a couple of unopened jars around here I decided this was as good a time as any to commit to taking at least minimal amounts along with the StemEnhance and it should be a great combination! If the claims are true, StemEnhance makes MORE stem cells, and Ambrotose makes those cells healthy. I am an MLM distributor’s dream! Also, a human guinea pig. I’m going to call some StemTech people today because the more I think about that, the more it has me worried. Otherwise, I plan to do this for at least 2 more months before I draw any conclusions. And the next place I’ll use my credit card is right here. I really need to win a lottery, this stuff is expensive!

- I went to the information session on Self-Managed Care. Wow, they sure do overwhelm you and don’t make it easy for you. I think I will go for it, though, because at this point I really do need more assistance than regular home care can provide me with. However, I am looking at at least a year long waiting list so it won’t happen anytime soon. They only have 500 people in the program (out of the 11,000 home care clients in the city) with 58 people on the waiting list. No one gets in unless someone leaves (death or move to assisted living) plus they prioritize the waiting list. Since I’m already receiving a fair bit of home care service with my 6 days per week personal care, 4 days range of motion and an hour every 2 weeks for homemaking, I’m told I’d be at the bottom of the priority list. Bah. Anyway, I’ll be assessed at some point to decide on how much I qualify for (I want to hire someone that can help me get in a POOL!!!) and get on that list. As it is, any friends or family that visit me become automatic caregivers for the duration of their visit because I don’t have one! And that is not fair.

- The assessment will be done by my O/T, but he’s a little busy for me right now because I received my approval letter for the power wheelchair!!! I’m not sure when exactly I’ll be getting it, but I AM getting it! Woo hoo!

- I saw a couple good movies, He’s Just Not That Into You and Role Models (soooooo funny! Jane Lynch at her hilarious best!) I have seen commercials for movies I want to see, and some that… well… Eddie Murphy needs to stop making movies.

- I may bitch about our government from time to time, as is my right as a voter, but I am truly blessed to live in Canada. I read other blogs and what other MSers go through and the costs to get medication and help and I am so lucky. Also? Signed another one year contract for my rent subsidy. Between my AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped), my rent subsidy and all medical and home care costs paid for, a person can actually live a modest life with a little dignity and not file for bankruptcy because they can’t afford their medical bills. Of course, I still think our Health Care system is a “Sick Care” system and as I choose natural health products, procedures and supplements I’m on my own, when it comes right down to it I do take a couple meds I don’t have to pay for and see doctors and dentists and stay in hospitals and get a POWER WHEELCHAIR and daily help to shower and dress and… I’m lucky. Thank you Government for letting me count.

- This You Tube sensation is a local guy. He made front page news here. He needs to go on Ellen, no one would appreciate the power of one person dancing to start something like that more than her!

I think the cats knocked my card reader onto the floor in behind the shelf where I keep my Macbook, so I can’t get to all the pictures on my camera. So these are from my dad’s Blackberry again.

Pita and Pepper had a stare-down the other day. It started in the living room with Pepper ready to smack down Pita, but turned into a staring contest with Pita slowly walking backwards and Pepper following her, never taking their eyes off each other, ready to pounce at any moment. It’s times like this you realize why you MUST have more than one cat.

And the winner is… Pepper!

But Pita is still a STAR.

A few things I discovered during my short Wellness retreat:

• It is very difficult to meditate with two cats who jump and walk all over you, rip up and down the hall, jump at the walls, jump on everything and knock stuff off, and generally make it impossible to lay still with your eyes closed;
• I need a larger supply of AA batteries for my CD player;
• The reason meditation courses, retreats, Ashrams, etc. make you get up at 4:30 a.m. is NOT so you are up when the sun rises, or “with God” or whatever… it’s so you can fit everything you’re supposed to be doing into that day. I made what I thought was a fairly simple list of what I’d be doing/listening to/watching/drinking/eating every day and it all takes a lot longer than you’d think!
• I need to change my thinking and speaking drastically and urgently.

I had to bail out a day early and I didn’t do any of the office de-cluttering (I found that just frustrated me more and the whole point of this was to be positive, quiet and meditative for a few days). I had left a message on my voice mail that said “if you’re calling about my home care or Sammons-Preston delivery, please leave a message, otherwise call back Wednesday” and yesterday morning I received 3 messages regarding home care. In order to take down the names/phone numbers I had to turn on my computer to type them out. Then I was on the phone making appointments and dealing with stuff, and I figured while I was here, I may as well email Sammons-Preston again and ask what the hell is going on and why they didn’t respond to my last email. Within seconds of hitting “send” they CALLED ME! Oh my God, actual customer service. I was told delivery had been attempted last week and that I had refused it. WTF??? So…. you don’t call me about that? They obviously attempted delivery to the wrong address. So she confirmed my address again and then I was on and off the phone with the freight company and had to leave my phone on because they’d be “calling before they delivered”. Of course, with my email client open, I retrieved my email, dealt with what I had to (work stuff), then it was off to check Facebook, and then it was all over.

I never did get my mat platform delivered yesterday, so this morning I called the freight office in Toronto to tell them I will be home all day today awaiting the delivery. The guy says “great! We’ll get it to you today for sure!”. I switched work to tomorrow instead, because this has been 2 months in the waiting and I’m not going anywhere until this mat platform is IN MY HOME. Then, the local freight office calls me (after I had already cancelled and re-booked my Access rides for tomorrow) to tell me there is some problem with overbooking deliveries and they can’t guarantee it will be here today, it will most likely be tomorrow. For FUCK SAKES. I have never had so many problems with incompetent service in my LIFE.

I got some great service last night, though, when I decided the “retreat” had obviously ended early. I needed some furniture moved around in my bedroom to make things easier for me, on the advice of the occupational therapist that was here last week. So I called Shawna to see if she could come by with a helper after work, and she showed up with both her parents who are in town visiting. They moved everything around in no time at all. Now I need the pole beside my bed moved over, so it’s beside my bed again, but that will have to wait until Monday when the pole installer guy is here to install another pole for me (I’ll need one beside my mat platform IF IT EVER GETS HERE).

Anyway, I need to do a lot of mental work. I have been watching You Can Heal Your Life every day, and crying crying crying like crazy. I first read Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” in 2003. I even reviewed it in an MS With Attitude newsletter back then. That was FIVE YEARS AGO. I’ve known this stuff for so many years. Meanwhile, I would give anything to go back to the state of health I was in 5 years ago, which was SO much better than today. I started MS With Attitude because I considered myself an example of how to LIVE with MS, and how to keep a positive outlook and attitude, and wanted to encourage/inspire others. I read the main page of that site now and realize I have become everything I feared. That I have become an “MS Pro” living with home care and equipment and therapists and wheelchairs and social workers and accessible housing and all the shit I never wanted to get into. And I know that it is all my fears and negative thinking and talking that made it this way. Even though I knew better. I KNEW BETTER!! And now here I am. I feel like such a failure. And that’s why I cry and cry and cry when I watch that DVD. On one hand, I have hope that I can turn it around. On the other, I’m so pissed off at myself for letting it get this bad. I’m not looking for sympathy or for you to say “oh Donna, don’t blame yourself, that’s too much” or whatever. I know and understand the Laws of the Universe. I also know I have been using them the wrong way, by accident of course. No one intentionally makes themselves sick. I am living proof that “you become what you think about, whether you want it or not”.

Many times I have stated right here that I’m not going to talk about MS on this blog anymore, (HA!), that I’m not going to focus on anything negative, and it’s not long before I renege on that promise. It’s even worse in my day-to-day life, the way I think and talk to myself. If I didn’t have my two adorable kitties to brighten my day, I swear there would be many days that not a positive thought would go through my brain. I’m the Queen of bitching out loud to myself and crying myself to sleep about everything I struggle to do each day.

I need to pull that book out again, dust it off, and actually DO THE WORK. Every single day!!!

So, it’s pretty obvious I’m back to weaning off my anti-depressants some more. How can you tell? Well, aside from the various mood swings I’m having and being easily prone to anger and bitchiness, last night I watched “Enchanted“. And I CRIED and CRIED. Many, many times throughout the movie, for reasons ranging from joy and happiness and fluffiness to self pity and “I don’t even know why”. ENCHANTED! Gimme a F-ing break. (I think this means I enjoyed the movie a LOT more than I want to admit).

For the record, I’m almost down to 5mg/day from the 40mg/day I was taking. I can’t wait until this is over, I really hate this whole weaning thing. It’s hard!!

Oh, and Friday night I watched 27 Dresses and developed a bit of a crush on James Marsden, so ask me how thrilled I was to see him as the Prince in Enchanted? Hee.

And speaking of being easily angered, I had an experience last Saturday that just SET.ME.OFF. (Warning: F-bombs a-plenty coming up). I was on my scooter in Wal-Mart, minding my own business when this (40-ish year old) woman walked past me. I heard her mumble under her breath something about my weight and “get up and walk”. At first I ignored it, but then, no, I couldn’t just let it go, and turned my scooter around to go find her. She was looking at clothes. I rode up to her and asked “WHAT did you say to me??” She looked shocked that I’d come after her, but then she said “get up and walk, you might lose some of that weight” and turned to take off. OHHHHHH MY MOTHER OF GOD. I was seething. I sharply turned my scooter around with the intent to chase her down and, oh, I dunno, run her over/break her neck/cut her in half/give her a piece of my FUCKING mind (I’m not sure what I was going to do, I just knew I wasn’t about to let her get away with that shit) when my front wheel hit the base of a clothing rack and my scooter toppled right over on me. Owieeee! I was on the floor with my scooter on top of me. Luckily, about 5 people ran over to help, including a couple very strong men who got me up off the floor without any trouble. Surprisingly, I wasn’t crying. I thanked everyone and assured them I was fine and carried on with my shopping. It wasn’t until I was on my way home and stopped at Second Cup to get a latte that I started blubbering like a fool. Poor barista, she had no clue what had just happened. I made it home, parked my scooter, fell into my chair all bruised and broken-spirited and bawled and bawled.

I was SO ANGRY. So mad at that fucking woman and her stupid ignorance and need to speak her judgments of me out loud. I COULD NOT BELIEVE someone could be that cruel and ignorant. I mean, even if my weight was the reason I was on a scooter, that does not excuse what she said. She has no fucking clue about me or my medical history or anything, she had NO RIGHT and I trust Ms. Karma kicked her in the ass later that same day. I hope she found out her boyfriend is sleeping around on her and gave her AIDS. I honestly do. I don’t care if she dropped dead 5 minutes later, in fact, I wish it on her to this day. I know it’s a waste of my own energy to still be angry at her, but even as I write this the tears well up and I am just seething with anger. Fucking bitch.

Anyway, this (second) scooter toppling accident has led me to look into getting a 4 wheeler that is more stable!! I have an OT coming by on Tuesday to assess me and my scooter and if my apartment can handle a 4 wheeler getting in and out. My neighbour (the guy who also has MS) has one, so I don’t think it should be a problem in here. He said he wants to “see me drive it around”. I’m not normally setting off to chase down stupid bitches, so he won’t witness reckless driving, but even on my best days I don’t feel completely safe on that thing. I always feel like it could topple over at any time and I’m VERY careful over bumps and cracks on the sidewalks.

I’m reading a really good book right now, Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston. I never did finish A New Earth, I barely started it to be honest. I’ll get around to it one day. But Quantum Wellness excited me when I saw the author on Oprah, and then on Ellen. She is SO freaking beautiful, she just radiates light and health and wellness and positive energy. She makes you want what she has!! I won’t be going Vegan anytime soon, but her discussions about “conscious eating” really hit me. It may be, as my friend Jason called me, “airy fairy”, but I AM airy fairy about stuff like this. I totally believe everything is energy and we take in energy, put out energy, and attract to ourselves that which is in line with our own energy. You know that about me if you’ve read any of this blog! Anyway, when it comes to food, we also take in THAT energy. The energy of the food… where it came from, how it got to our plate, how the animal was cared for and killed, the energy of the person packaging up the food, the energy of the corporatrion behind creating the food… etc. etc. It was like… a lightbulb moment for me!! I had never thought about it that way before. That when I eat crappy processed/fast food, I am not only ingesting crap which will make my body feel/look like crap, I am ingesting the negative energy associated with that food. Airy-fairy as it may be, I believe it!! If you’ve watched Super Size Me or Fast Food Nation you know how those fast food corporations and their money-hungry executives care more about their bottom line than they do our health (or our bottoms). And all those big processed food companies; from the evil suits at the top of the corporate ladder to the underpaid, stressed out person working the assembly line, we take in alllll that energy. So, for the past couple weeks I’ve been back to ordering groceries from SPUD (a GREAT little company with great people and good energy!) and switching to organic food when possible. It’s not like I will never eat fast food again, but I have certainly become more conscious of it in a very different way than I had before. Thinking of it in a physical health way was never enough to scare me away from it, as much as it should have been, but switch my thinking to how it affects my spiritual health, and you got me! I still need the convenience, though, so my freezer is full of Amy’s Organics (family business!) and my new favourite sweet snack is lemon yogurt with fresh bluberries and organic muesli

I’ve even switched to organic coffee from Cochrane Coffee Traders. (They’re so small they don’t even have a website. But they are a very socially and environmentally conscious company).

Catching some rays

Can’t…handle…the…cute!!

CAN’T HANDLE IT!!!

Cats in Sinks better not reject this face.

I decided to do an update because Maggs tagged me with the above award, so I needed to put it up here, and figured I may as well update while I’m at it.

The rules for the “You Make My Day” award are to re-present it to 10 people whose blogs bring you happiness, inspiration and make you feel happy about blog land. Let them know through e-mail or by posting a comment on their blog so they can pass it on. Beware you may get the award several times, and if you do, consider yourself really, really loved. So to pass it on and keep the love going ~ here are 10 of the 100’s of blogs that keep me inspired and bring a smile to my face. Please check them out when you have a few minutes…perhaps there are some new friends to be made!

So that’s how it works, and here are 10 blogs that make me smile and/or inspire me regularly:

Maggie
Kerri
Scott
Sylvie
Shauna
PostSecret
Big Fat Deal
Robyn
Sandee
I Can Has Cheezburger (Seriously cannot go 10 minutes without a peek over there haha)

I’m not going to let them know I bestowed this honour upon them, but if they happen to check their referral links and end up here, they are free to recognize it if they want

Lots has happened since my last update, and wouldn’t you know it, I don’t have much time here. For starters, I saw my dad for the first time in almost 6 years. One thing I have realized, is that he may never change, but I certainly have. Hopefully that will be enough for us to have a relationship of sorts. It has never been a question of love; it’s more about how to have a relationship with him without him trying to take over my life. I am an independent person, and he wants to take over and do everything and have all the answers, and in the past this has caused me more stress than you can begin to imagine. (There’s other stuff, too, but I won’t get into it). Anyway, hopefully we can set boundaries that will keep us both happy. I know after spending a few hours with him yesterday evening, that I’m much better at handling his personality than I used to be. Rather than get stressed out, I let it slide and just shrugged it off as *just the way he is*. I have learned, if nothing else over the past 6 years, to allow people to be the way they are and live their life the way they want and not let it get to me. Their problems/behaviours/choices etc. are not mine to worry about, unless they are hurting me (or my family, or children, or animals, or…). I am a mere observer. Wow, I think I’m growing up!

On a whim today, I decided to get my legs waxed. OUCH!! Facking OUCH!!

Last weekend was supposed to be a lot of fun. CD release parties galore, including the Calgary one for The Polyjesters. So what do I go and do?? Fall and twist my ankle, of course. I stayed in with my foot up, icing it. My mom was here, and without a show to go to, that gave her the time to clean out and re-organize my cupboards. Gotta love moms!

I’m switching my TV from our regular Shaw Cable (I just have the basic cable) to Telus TV. I’m excited! I didn’t realize everyone has to be digital by 2009, and I’ve got a pretty old TV here. So I’m getting a free digital box, one year of basic cable for free (which is $10/month cheaper than Shaw anyway! Wheee!) and extra channels I’d like (to get those great HBO shows and A&E, the Learning Channel, etc.) for only $6.00/month. I’m really pleased! My neighbour has it, and loves it. It’s great that Shaw finally has some cable competition.

Anyway, I’m crazy busy with work, and outta time. Catch ya later!

It’s Christmas Eve day. 10 days since I last updated! My excuse is that my vision is still double and my balance is still way off and I’ve been feeling crappy, and I don’t like writing when I’m feeling crappy. Because it’s all I seem to focus on and it doesn’t do any of us any good to focus on the ill health of anyone.

Which brings me to the reason for today’s post. A few days ago I started listening to a 5 CD set called The Law of Attraction: The Teachings of Abraham. It’s amazing, and it makes me wish I had never given any of my money to the marketing machine infomercial that is The Secret. THIS is The Secret, but Abraham’s been teaching it a lot longer, and better.

It’s that same old principle… we are what we think. Our thoughts create our life experiences, good and bad. Ever notice that the person who speaks often about ill health, has it? (Hello!) NO MORE!!! Ahhh I’ve said it a million times. Seriously, though, I have to stop. I have to stop talking with people about the “rough times I’m going through” with my health, or how much of a downward spiral I seem to be in the past couple years with regards to it, etc. etc. People ask me all the time because they care, but I need to steer that conversation towards something more positive.

I’ve only listened to the first 3 of the 5 CDs and I already know it is the best purchase I’ve made in a long time. Once you can get past the weird stuff… that Abraham is a spiritual entity channeled by Esther Hicks, and speaks through her physical being… and actually listen to what he/they have to say, it is very powerful and makes a lot of sense. Yesterday I took a few hours with CD #2 and typed out some of it, so that I can read it out loud every day. It’s the part where they talk about the “workshop” you spend time in every day to think about and feel the emotions involved in what you want, and begin deliberate creation. We are magnets, and what we think about the most and talk about the most draws to us more of the same. So think the good stuff to GET the good stuff.

I made a Law of Attraction Workshop page. Every word is taken from that CD as Abraham spoke. If you find it useful, you can refer to it whenever you want, as well. Better yet, buy the CDs, because this is only a fraction of the approximately 6 hours of discussion on the CDs!

Pay It Forward Update

The final amount raised was $580, and I spent every penny of it and more. When Kim was here on the 14th, she brought it all back with her the next day. Her sister works for the shelter so it was all delivered. I’m assuming the ladies and kids will be getting stockings and gift bags to open Christmas morning, and our gifts will be included in that. A lot of the items I purchased off eBay, cutting that off Nov. 20 to give the items time to get here. Everything arrived in great condition and on time, except this one woman I bought a bunch of Avon stuff from… I paid Nov. 19 and just received them last week. They weren’t shipped until Dec. 6!!! I was SO upset. What the hell am I supposed to do with 40 lip balms??? I spent $70 of my own money on that lot of stuff. She got some negative feedback from me, that’s for sure. Anyway, some of the make up I will keep (mascaras) and I gave the slippers to my home care worker. Next time I see Kim I’ll probably just give her the rest to drop off at the shelter another time. The make up is brand new, there are 40 sealed lip balms, and 4 new bottles of body iotion…

Anyway, if you include that lot, I spent $673 so even without all that, I did not waste any of YOUR money! Thank you again to everyone who contributed!!!

Oh, remember last entry I mentioned that my friend Pam gave me those healing stones? And that the Jade went flying across the room somewhere when I went to put it under my pillow? Well, last night I decided to take the two other stones I had tucked in my pillowcase at the bottom of my pillow out, because today I’d ask my home care worker to change the bed sheets. I didn’t want the stones flying out when she removed the pillowcase. So, I reached my hand in to retrieve the two stones I knew where there… and pulled out three. The Jade was there. WTF?? Seriously?? So, what’s that, a ghost? Or maybe just my home care worker found the Jade on the floor and being from India, knew what it was for and put it with the others. I guess I could have asked her, but I kind of like the *not knowing*. That’s way more fun.

So if I haven’t freaked you out yet with all my spiritual new age frou frou talk, I’ll end this by wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, etc. etc. I hope you have a safe and warm holiday with lots of love, food, and frolic! My brother is coming over and we’ll get that food part down good, I think. Mom left us one of her amazing cheese balls!!

Pita wishes you a Merry Christmas

Pepper also wishes you a Merry Christmas