Can You Hear Me Now?

I found my last disposable camera the other day, one that I was using when I got my digital for Christmas in 2006. I got the pictures developed, and there were a bunch of cute ones on it. These are a couple of my favourites; I’ll upload the others soon, there are some cute ones!! Pita and Pepper don’t hook up like this often, anymore. I miss those days…

Pepper reminds me of the girl in the pink dress in the Charlie Brown dance

Speaking of Pita, it’s getting worse with the trying-to-keep-her-inside. I thought it was getting better, after I accidently shut her out in the hall when I didn’t know she’d snuck out there, and it took about an hour and a lot of her whining before I realized it. I thought, “good! Now maybe she will be scared to go out there again…” but that didn’t last long. Now one of the women who works in the rental office next door (the one who doesn’t get mad at me when Pita is in the hall) has taken to letting Pita into the office to roam around. She just loves her. OKAY, that’s nice and all, but now Pita KNOWS there is all this life out there, other places to go, people to see… today, after it took forever to get her back inside, she walked around whining and moaning for two hours. She kept going to the door and crying. Sigh…

This is the best comeback of the week year:

The woman is now weighing the pros and cons of having skim milk versus two percent milk in her latte, and she says, “God, I don’t know, I just feel so, like, fat today. I feel like such a big fat cow.”

Then she turns to me, and she says, GET THIS, “How do you stand it every day?”

I blink.

The adorable pierced-and-tattooed boy en flambe blinks.

Several heads in the cafe pop up because nobody can believe this woman actually said this to a total stranger. I feel as if the sitcom camera is pulling in tight for a closeup on my reaction.

But the gods of snark are smiling upon me today. I reply, straightfaced, “You know, it’s normally not too bad, but today I’m having one of those days where I feel like a shallow dumb bitch. How do you stand it every day?”

I wish I could have been there! I don’t get comments like that, I think because I’ve got a walker or scooter or something as my shield. People must think I have enough to deal with, without the fat remarks (to my face). But I’ve certainly been subject to them in the past, even when I wasn’t, what I would consider, “fat”. People can be so rude it’s astounding.

Speaking of being rude, I’m trying my best not to be, and to be happy about the fact that a crazy lady is planning to move into my apartment building, and most likely using me as a reference. Brenda has called me a few times over the past year with some pretty crazy stories and cries for help. Now she may be my neighbour. I really don’t want that… she says she will be here on Thursday to look at the place and fill out the application. I may actually talk to the office about her, because she is trouble. You know when your gut just SCREAMS at you to stay clear of someone? Yeah. I’m already worried.

So… work is picking up in a major way, today one big client delivered their entire year’s worth of stuff, and tomorrow another one will… which means between now and the end of March, when their GST’s are due, I’m swamped. I’ll also get a few more tax returns to do. I did my own yesterday, and woo hoo! Decent refund coming. First time in a long time, thank you medical expenses (I wrote off my electronic lift chair, and all those Quantum Release Therapy sessions added up!) I spent over $4,200 on medical related stuff. Ouch.

So what I’m trying to say, is expect even fewer updates than usual.

Pita’s eyes ended the last entry, so Pepper’s tongue ends this one.

It’s been awhile since I updated, but even if I did a play-by-play of the past two weeks or so, it would go something like this: sleep, work, watch TV, eat, go to the mall, cuddle kitties, sleep. Life has been very quiet lately.

The only thing worth writing about is February 8, when my friend Kim came into trown for the weekend and we headed down to the Ironwood to see The Plaid Tongued Devils. The last time I saw them was at In Klezskavania in April ‘05, a play they wrote which is AWESOME and even garnered them a spot on Jeopardy as an “answer”. Before that, I used to go see them in the mid-90’s at the Ship & Anchor Pub, so it had been many years since I’d seen them live like this! The temperature was minus 150 degrees or something, so kudos to everyone who made it out. I felt so bad for Kim, because I wanted to bring my wheelchair (having fallen enough lately, I didn’t want to take any chances) so I’m the one who gets to sit in the car right away while Kim has to stay in the freezing cold, getting my wheelchair in the trunk and stuff. I always feel bad about that, and like I’m such a hassle to get out anywhere, so I really appreciate how willing my friends are to accommodate me. Especially when it’s minus 378 degrees or whatever.

We arrived in good time and saw our friends Sheldon and Joelle right away. Damien made it out, too. It was great to see them! Sheldon is hilarious. The guy seriously makes me laugh so hard I get tears.

Funny in a slightly creepy way, no?

Anyway, the show was great, and we had a blast. Kim stayed until Sunday, but she had other people to see and things to do so I did not get to keep her for myself.

The past couple of days I actually feel like I hit a point in my anti-depressant withdrawal where I’m okay. I’ve been at 20mg for a few weeks now (and staying there for awhile) and I think my brain finally figured it out. I feel like myself again! I’m not going to lower it any more until after my busy work season; it’s too hard on me and I need my wits about me! Some people have asked why I’m going off them in the first place, and the reason is because I don’t need them, I’m only addicted to them because my brain is used to getting that Seratonin Rush every day. But brains can and will produce their own seratonin. I used Paxil to help get me out of a really rough place, but didn’t wean off shortly after. I should have, I know that now. Most people don’t need them long term. It’s just that our brains get used to it, and getting off them is so hard. I AM under medical supervision for my weaning off, no worries. In the long run, this is for the best. THEN, we tackle the sleeping pills…. sigh.

I watched Ellen yesterday, and could NOT take my eyes off Christina Aguilera’s breasts. Am I alone here?

The other day my phone line went dead. It rang at 11:00 a.m., so it was sometime after that. I was in the living room and picked up my cordless to make a call, and it beeped at me “line in use”. So I went into my office, and the light on the phone in there was lit up, with “extension in use” on the screen. Normally when my phone is off the hook, I get a “beepbeepbeepbeepbeep” thing happening. This time the line was just dead quiet. Now, this happened before, a few years ago… my line was in use, just not by me! A utility company used my phone line to transmit data. I figured they just borrow an available phone line to do what they need to do. I dunno. Anyway, my line came back on its own eventually. This time, however, several hours went by and still no phone line, so I emailed my mom at work and asked her to please call the phone company for me. I also filed a repair request online. I was told to unplug everything for 60 seconds, then plug it back in. If that didn’t work, they’d be sending out a technician the next day.

I’m not able to reach everything to unplug it, so I just left it. It wasn’t until I was going to bed that I saw the phone from my nightstand sprawled on the floor, off the hook and unplugged. CATS! Haha I didn’t even bother checking that phone earlier. But I did remember to call the phone company before I went to sleep to cancel the technician for the next day. Can you imagine. That’s like calling the printer repair company to fix your printer just for them to discover it’s not plugged in. Oh, and speaking of, I finally got a guy over to fix my printer so it works with my new computer. It needed a lot more than just to be plugged in I’m not sure what, but I was happy to pay him $63 to figure it so I could print T4s for my clients.

And speaking of repair, my blog is going to be moved over to a new server VERY SOON which means it won’t be going down anymore!! (I mean, no server is perfect, but outages will be limited to minutes and not days). The day of the move, however, I may be down for a day or so. But I can live with that if it means future glitch-free blogging

Tomorrow (Friday) night the Polyjesters are having their CD release party in their hometown of Didsbury, Alberta. I am receiving the Royal Treatment as a special guest, and am very excited!! It’s going to be a great show. They are broadcasting live over Kitchen Radio starting with the opening acts at 8:00 pm my time (7:00 EST or 10:00 EST). Tune in! It’s going to be a blast.

I’ve been meaning to update for days because I have SO much to talk about, but as each day went by the thought of writing it all out was so overwhelming that I would put it off until I had “more time” and then the days just go by and there is more to talk about and AHHHH!!! So I doubt I’ll get it all in.

First of all, my friend Melanie had been staying with me from Jan. 23 - 30. Then she took off for London, England to start a new life over there. Ahhhh, to have dual citizenship and be able to work in other countries… I would have done that for sure when I was younger and healthier! Anyway, Tuesday night was her last night here, so I suggested I take her out to the Olive Garden for dinner. Not the smartest move because the weather was unbelievably cold and everything snowy and icy… it is in my best interest to stay indoors if it gets like that. But, you know, she’s moving to England the next day, we’ve gotta do something.

Melanie was out visiting her mom during the day, so she said she’d call me when she was leaving and meet me at Olive Garden. When I had about 45 minutes to get there, I started trying to get through to a cab. It was about -30 plus the windchill, so if you can even begin to imagine how cold that is, you can imagine how hard it is to get a taxi in that weather. I finally got through and asked for one, then got my coat and boots on, and began my attempts to get out the door without Pita running out. Then my phone rang… but I didn’t know where it was! I guess Mel had used the cordless earlier and just put it down wherever… something I have learned to never do anymore because it must always be within reaching distance of me. So I had to go into my office to answer it, and it was AH, who I had tried calling earlier as well to see if he’d be able to give me a ride. I told him all was fine now, a cab was on the way, but I had to hang up because the Pita Fight for the Hall was just about to begin. As I walked out of my office, my feet didn’t pick up (I hate wearing boots, they’re so heavy… I need summer so I can go back to Crocs) and I fell. It was kind of in slow motion as I fell against my walker and down, and my right eye hit a wheel on my walker, and then it rolled away, sort of trying to take my eyelid with it. I was laying on the floor, knowing I wasn’t seriously hurt, but when I touched my eye and pulled my hand away I saw all that blood, and then worried. I couldn’t see myself and I didn’t know what I had done; maybe it was serious and I needed stitches? I was afraid to move too much. I still didn’t know where my phone was, so it was easier to crawl to my door and yell for help at my neighbour across the hall (now that the drug dealers are gone, I have a nice couple over there!) He came to the door (and he was even wearing pants this time!) and saw me laying there bleeding, and said he’d call an ambulance. While waiting for the ambulance, my cab arrived. My nice neighbour ran to the main door and apologized on my behalf to the cab driver.

Soon the paramedics arrived, and my neighbour went back inside and let this team look after me. There were three women… and they were so awesome! (Although, I have never had Paramedics that were not awesome). They helped me stand up, which I had trouble doing, and started crying again (more on my crying bursts later…GOD) They got me over to my chair and cleaned up my face. They took my blood pressure which was very high and they asked if I had hypertension. Well, maybe at that moment. When I cry I can’t breathe or talk and hyperventilate, so, yeah. I managed to get out “I’m supposed to be meeting a friend at the Olive Garden right now!” After cleaning me up, one of them said “it’s not so bad, you know… you don’t need stitches…” while another one went into my office to get my phone book, and she also found my cordless phone in there. I called the Olive Garden to leave a message for Melanie that I would not be meeting her, but then the paramedics started saying, “it’s not so bad! Put some ice on it, you can still make your dinner date!” I explained that my cab had already come and gone, and it would take forever to get another one. They looked at each other and then said “well… if you don’t tell on us… we can give you a ride”. Seriously??? So I told Mel to hang tight, I would be there. My New Friends helped me get my socks and boots back on, cleaned the rest of the dried up blood off my eyelid, helped me get my coat on and out the door without a cat following, and off we went.

Once outside, they tried to help me in the side door to the back of the ambulance, but the step that pulls down was frozen. They were trying to boost me in, when one of them said “hey, this is an illegal ride anyway, why don’t we just put her in the front?” and so I did. I rode to the Olive Garden in the front seat of an ambulance. Then all three of them helped me out, and walked me inside to make sure I didn’t fall again.

Day 2. It was worse by Day 3, but it seems to be looking better now

So anyway, Melanie and I had a lovely dinner. Breadsticks, salad, pasta, red wine, ice pack for my eye, singing the theme song from “Golden Girls”, expressing concern about how we will get home since it’s so hard to get a cab.

After paying the bill we went to the front entrance to enquire about a cab. The bartender could not get through. We borrowed his cell phone for a bit, but could not get through. Mel ran outside a couple times to see if she could flag one down, but no luck, and she was getting frostbite. The hostess asked “where do you live?” and I said “so close! Just beside the mall, but I can’t walk that far!” and she said “…maybe I could give you a ride?” Mel and I looked at her, and then her boss, and begged “could she??” He couldn’t really think of a reason why not, since there were two hostesses on, and the restaurant was very quiet with no one but US being stupid enough to venture out in that weather.

So, off we went with the sweet, wee little blonde hostess with the cute accent from Bulgaria. Walking out to her car, I slowly and carefully stepped off the curb, but managed to fall anyway. ARGH! It was too icy to stablize my walker, and my legs were already jell-o from my earlier fall, and it was clear we would need help. So Wee Hostess ran inside to get her boss, and then we finally got me up and safely into the car and my walker in the trunk. SUCH a production.

Wee Hostess refused to take any money from us, but when we pulled up to my apartment and both her and Mel got out to get my walker, I shoved a $20 bill into her plastic thingy in the front that holds all the driver’s junk thingy. I mean, come ON! She was going way above and beyond the Call of Olive Garden Hostess Duty.

Finally, I was inside, warm, safe, in my chair. Melanie made me a hot chocolate and then took off to meet a friend for a few drinks at a nearby pub. Her last night, and all… freezing or not, she wasn’t going to sit around!

So that was Tuesday night. Melanie left Wednesday afternoon, and arrived safely in London. I was so sore from the two falls the night before that I don’t think I really moved much on Wednesday or Thursday. Thursday night my mom and Bob picked me up to go to the Chiropractor, and I don’t think I’ve ever needed a treatment so bad! My right shoulder is in such bad shape that it has resorted to stabbing pain in my upper right chest area every time I breathe. We came back to my place after, ordered Chinese food, and Bob did a whole bunch of things around here. Such as remove that walker carrier from the back of my scooter and hook up my new DVD player because I broke the other one when I hit my TV a couple weeks ago, with the walker carrier on the back of my scooter. Those cheap DVD players don’t respond well to falling to the floor. So now I am on DVD Player #3 and hoping for the best.

As mentioned previously, I have been weaning off my anti-depressants. Because they come in 20mg tablets and I can only split them in half, I have had to wean off in 10mg increments. I was at 40mg, then would go 30-40-30-40 alternating days for a couple weeks, then to 30mg for a couple weeks, and so on. A couple weeks ago I stopped my 20-10-20-10 alternating days and went straight to just 10mg/day. Holy CRAP. I have never cried so much in my life as I have the past two weeks. Every little thing and nothing at all could set me off. The entire process of weaning down has not been fun, but this was the worst. I had even been thinking about suicide for real… just wanting the crying to end, the feeling so shitty. I haven’t been sleeping, even if I took up to 3 sleeping pills. I don’t like the person I have been and my attitude has sucked. So yesterday I took 20mg again, and ZING!! Whole new person. Withdrawal is HARD, people. If you ever need anti-depressants to get you out of a dark place, by all means take them if you need to, but then wean off them right away when you feel better. Do not get caught up into taking them for years, to the point where it is hard, if not impossible, to stop. I went to my pharmacy today to see about getting my pills sliced up smaller, or if there was a smaller dose so I could cut down by 5mg instead of 10. The pharmacist totally sympathized with me… she said she tried weaning off her SSRI and just wasn’t able to. She still takes it because she can’t get off it. She told me Paxil does come in 10mg tablets that I can then snap in half for my 5 mg, so she would refill my prescription with those. Then she punched something into the computer and frowned… “your insurance doesn’t cover the 10mg size”. HOW STUPID IS THAT??? But being the sweetheart she was, she refilled my prescription with 20mg tablets, and cut each and every one into 4 pieces for me. So hopefully I can go to 15-20-15-20 for awhile then 15 instead of dropping right to 10. God, I hope it works. Withdrawal sucks!!

So, to sum up this past week: Paramedics, Hostess, Pharmacisit, Melanie, My mom and Bob: Divine Grace is everywhere.

I watched Sicko on Friday night (and again last night, and all the special features). I cried and cried and cried and cried and got so mad and cried some more. And I really want to move to France. I may bitch about our health care system here (it really is “sick care”, not preventative as in other countries, and Big Pharma still rules in the end), but at least we don’t have to pay for our doctor visits and necessary treatments and surgeries. I can only imagine how many times I would have filed for bankruptcy in the past 6 years alone!

STOP clawing at mom’s chair!

I seriously cannot take a picture of Pepper looking at the camera without the result being glowing eyes. Space Kitty!

Oh, I know, I’m long overdue for an upate, blahblahblah.

Guess what happened to me yesterday afternoon. SO embarrassing. I got on my scooter and backed it up, and remember that time the walker carrier caught on my TV stand and dragged the TV across the room? Well, this was even worse. The walker carrier caught on the TV stand again, but this time the TV started to fall off, everything on and around the TV stand (DVD player, candle holder, video tapes) crashed to the floor, and the TV was on top of me. I couldn’t move or it would crash to the floor, and I couldn’t push it back up onto the stand. It was… um… awkward.

Since the first thing I do before taking my scooter out (after locking Pita safely in a room) is open the door to the hallway all the way, I figured someone should hear me. The rental office is right next door, after all. So I started yelling “HELP!! HELP!! SOMEONE PLEASE!!” and yelled the names of the girls who work in the office several times. HOW COULD THEY NOT HEAR!?!?! GEEZ. Finally after about 5 minutes of yelling I heard the door across the hall from me open, and knew the man-who-never-wears-pants heard me. I called for him to please come into my apartment. I guess he figured the situation was serious and more than he could handle alone, so he called out “just a minute!” and ran to the rental office. Soon the girl from the office and man-without-pants (wearing, as usual, just a t-shirt that barely covered his tighty whiteys) were both in my living room. There was no time for eye-rolling or giggles, a TV was falling to the floor. So between the two of them they got my TV back up on the stand and detached me. I wish I had asked someone to grab the camera first. Instead, I just took one of the aftermath when I got home:

I am SO getting that walker carrier removed. I never use the damn thing anymore, anyway. It makes my scooter way too long and I hit things with it all the time, and I can’t afford a new TV. Oh, and I’m also very glad I live beside the rental office as that is not the first time they have rescued me.

So, what have I done since we last talked…. oh, I tried to watch “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” but turned it off after the first 10 degrading/dehumanizing minutes. I didn’t even want to see what else was in store. I’m really ashamed of you, Adam Sandler, I was a fan!!

Last Monday I had a great night out with some of my very best friends. I LOVE hanging out with these people; there is so much mutual love and they help and protect me so very much. I love my supportive, selfless friends!! Anyway, it started with Jay and his brother Marc (and their friend Dave) picking me up (and they had a burger for me, too) so we could all drive out to Carstairs, home of the Polyjesters. Jason and Sheldon had organized a big show at a local bar, starring Randy & Mr. Lahey from the Trailer Park Boys. We arrived late, (long drive), and the place was packed, but there was my friend Kim at the door waiting for me, and she had saved a couple seats for me at a table. She also gave me a gorgeous bracelet, one which she was wearing, too. “I know you’ve been having a rough time lately, so I want you to wear this and everytime you look at it, remember that I am thinking of you.” Awwwww Jason and Sheldon were there, of course, to supply me with lots of hugs n’ kisses, and a few of their new CDs. YAY! I finally got to see my name in print on a Polyjesters’ CD The first name, by the way. We can’t forget that part.

I gave Marc my camera for the night, so he could go up to the front and take a bunch of shots for me. He… filmed video, mostly. He took a few shots, as you can see, but mainly he filmed it. He used all of my memory to get as much video as he could, and I’ve just ended up with a 700mb piece of video that I can’t share or upload anywhere because it’s too big! Hee

Jason and Sheldon joined them on stage for a few tunes

Mr. Lahey shows off the Randy’s Belly BBQ apron

So, that was a very fun night. The show was funny (most of the time, especially if you like potty humour). The PJ’s joined them on stage and did a few songs they wrote for them, the funniest one being a rap about “that shitstain Ricky, the shit spot!”. (You had to be there). There was a lot of talk about Shitstorms, and wouldn’t you know it, a few minutes after they got off stage, a major shit storm rolled in! The wind was UNREAL. I mean, there were 4 of us in the van and we still felt like we could have been blown off the highway at any minute.

Anyway, thanks all of yous for a great night. And I can proudly call Randy & Mr. Lahey “Pat and John” now, as it is the second time I’ve met them and they remembered me from the last time. Plus, they are very good friends of Jason and Sheldon’s, and Sheldon totally talked me up to them, and Kim had dinner with them, so that makes us all friends.

The next day I ate beef curry that Sheldon had made and sent me home with the night before. ZOMG. So amazing. He sliced apples and bananas in it, which is “how they do it in Africa” I guess, and it was incredible!! That Sheldon can cook, man.

Did anyone else watch Oprah the other day, when Dr. Christine Northrup was on?? How AMAZING is she?? I need to get her books. I wish she was my doctor. How many doctors address vitamin deficiencies, speak out against their own profession with respect to unecessary vaccinations, recommend digestive enzymes, Chi Kung, total mind/body connection (her theory on Fibroids: “It’s creativity that hasn’t been birthed yet because [the uterus] is our creative center, the low heart. Or it is shoving your creative energy into a dead end job or relationship.”) I think THIS was my favourite part. I am learning more and more these days, with my regular visits to the Clinic for Mind/Body Medicine, just how true that is. I just wish I could undo 30 years of hating my body. It’s no wonder I’m in the shape I’m in… I can’t remember a time in the past 30 years that I loved my body. “It” has failed me time and time again, and if there is any truth to that Law of Attraction stuff, my body has been responding to my thoughts and feelings and expectations of it. TA-DA!! Now, how do I rewire my thoughts, preferably overnight??? Sigh.

I actually had a really great meeting with my psychologist yesterday, and there could be some very exciting help available for me soon… she’s looking into it and discussing me with the head doctor at the clinic, who may pull in a few favours he is owed from another specialist… and I could become a Priority Project in the near future. More on that when I find out what they’ve got planned! In the meantime, I’m weaning off my anti-depressants. I’ve cut down slowly from 40mg/day and am now at 10mg/20mg alternating days. It hasn’t been very easy, I cry pretty easily and have had many cry-myself-to-sleep nights, but I know that’s normal. My brain is used to getting that hit of seratonin every night and trying to lower the dose and getting your brain used to producing its own is not something that will happen overnight. It won’t last forever! I hope to be off them completely by the end of February.

Can we stop talking about Britney Spears for five minutes and talk about something IMPORTANT?? Like the fact that The Polyjesters new CD is out and I’m the first name thanked in the liner notes?? And it’s an awesome CD and you can buy your own copy using PayPal or cheque at the Shop on their website? (Individual mp3’s and full digital albums available too). Kitchen Radio, people. It’s the best CD of 2008 and we are only a week into it. Samples of the songs are on their site now, too. And you can hear two full tracks and become a Fan on their Facebook Profile page. So much going on!!

Oh I just noticed that they have a deal in the shop to buy ALL FOUR of their CDs for $50. That is a major great deal!!! Wheeee!!! I’m so super excited about this CD. They are my most favourite band ever, and I don’t need to tell my regular readers how much I love Jason and Sheldon. If you’re not a regular reader, I LOVE JASON AND SHELDON.

And Britney, get some help!!! I don’t want to be reading about your death any time soon.

How’s the new year been treating you so far? Mine has been pretty damn good. My friend Melanie stayed over on NYE and then for a few more days before catching the bus back to Fort MacMurray on Friday morning. (So early that I did not get out of bed to hug her goodbye, she just got a muffled “thanks, bye, good luck, snore” out of me). It was great having her around, she was good company and it’s always nice to have someone here that can help with the basic things that I may fall over while doing. Oh, and she did ALL OF MY LAUNDRY OMG.

I’m feeling rather good these days. Keeping myself on the up and up. I’ve cut my anti-depressant dose down by half so far. Hopefully I’ll be off them completely in another month or so. Then I need to work on the sleeping pills and I’m not looking forward to that!! I have not been sleeping very well lately, even with their help. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, one step at a time.

Yesterday my mom, Bob and I went to Red Lobster for lunch. I had chicken tenders (not a seafood fan, but I’ll go there ANY DAY for the garlic cheese biscuits) and did you know I prefer broccoli over fries as my side dish?? I really do. I wish every restaurant gave broccoli as a choice of side. I’m not a salad fan, so “soup, salad or fries?” quite often ends up as fries. But I sure love me some broccoli, I would eat it every day if you cooked it up for me.

Speaking of cooking for me, I’m patiently awaiting my first food order from Cooking For You. I’m starving, so I hope it gets here soon. I’ve got a hankerin’ for some butter chicken curry!! Or maybe Greek meatballs? And parsley mashed potatoes. Ohhhh, hurry! I hope today is my delivery day and not Thursday. She told me Mondays, but I think it’s Thursdays because I’m south of Highway 1. Argh! I’m so hungry I may just have to make some soup to tide me over until I know for sure.

5 minutes later…. so I was just about to make some soup, tearing open the package, when there was a knock at my door. The rental office accepted the delivery for me earlier in the day when I was out, and decided to bring it over now EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN HOME FOR HOURS. Anyway, meatballs and mashed potatoes are defrosting in the microwave while I try to keep my cats from chewing up the huge styrofoam cooler the food was delivered in. I’ll get back to this after I eat, so….hungry….might….die.

I feel much better now. That was really good! Tomorrow I’ll try the butter chicken curry and I’m already planning my next order.

Yesterday I received a lovely note from Kate, who works at the women’s shelter our Pay It Forward project helped. Part of her note said “I do want to tell you one thing that you did with the gifts. I have a client who left an incredibly abusive relationship with 2 small children & she was 5 months pregnant. She has scrimped and saved and been put through the mill with lawyers and no money, etc. She was the first person to choose some gifts you had sent. She was soooo grateful that she had tears of joy at my truck - because of you! So from her & those who also recieved some gifts you had sent - a HUGE BIG ENORMOUS HUG and many thanks!” So… thanks also to all of you who donated! Yay us!

Another new release I must mention is Shauna Reid’s book, The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. I started reading Dietgirl just as Shauna was planning her move to Scotland… late 2002. Wow, over 5 years ago! Shauna is amazing. I’m so happy she wrote a book, she’s such a brilliant, funny, and down to earth writer (and person, I’m guessing). I’m anxiously awaiting my copy of the book to arrive in the mail, autographed by Shauny herself. I’m not reading any other books at the moment because I don’t want to be in the middle of anything else when it arrives! Hopefully Amazon.ca will have it back in stock soon… otherwise everyone has to order it from the UK! Maybe copies will start showing up on eBay soon

Speaking of eBay (see that? Great shopping-related transition) I have curbed my addiction somewhat, out of necessity obviously. There is only so much money and so much closet space. However, I found a great deal on a couple MP3 players. I never have owned an iPod, (for shame, I know) but all my music is in mp3 format anyway and I don’t really plan on using it a lot. I’m a little adverse to headphones. I figure one for music and one for my meditation and Laws of Attraction CDs and stuff like that. I think listening to The Secret Meditation CD every night is helping… I mean, it certainly can’t hurt, and I am feeling better these days. Considering I’m weaning off anti-depressants, that says something, I think.

Beautiful Pepper in front of my beautiful new monitor. Jealous, much??

It’s New Year’s Eve day. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas or whatever you celebrate, if anything! Mine was nice and quiet, my brother stayed over and we ate lots and watched The Number 23 and episodes of The Office and Flight of the Conchords. I have to watch The Number 23 again because it’s really weird and I know I missed stuff.

So, a new year is upon us… I don’t want to reflect much over the past year. Overall, I had a really great year… all the great friends, making new friends, the music, the traveling for and with the music and musicians… yeah, it was good! My health, however, is another story altogether, and one I don’t want to get into.

So we start fresh in 2008.

I guess you could say I’ve made some resolutions. Goals, things I’m going to do differently, what-have-you. I took a look at my 101 in 1001 list, and made a couple changes to things I know I won’t be doing (with regards to the no wheat/dairy/sugar attempt I made last year). #16 and #36 are now relevant to the next month. I need to do a lot of things on that list in 2008 in order to reach my deadline!

So this is the rest of my 2008 list:

• Exercise every day. Nothing major, I will know when I’m able to do more and increase it. But just do something - every single day.
• Get up about an hour before Home Care arrives (which has now been increased to 5X/week), to do those exercises and to spend at least 20 minutes meditating.
• Choose what clothes I’m going to wear the following day, before I go to bed.
• Food… well… it has to get better this year, because it can’t get worse!!! With the help of some great friends I’m starting the new year off getting some delicious and healthy meals delivered. I plan to stick with using this service quite often, instead of ordering in pizza!! Breakfast and lunches are easy and I’ve got some no-excuses ideas for those. Less junk, less junk, less junk.
• The Second Cup order: Sugar free vanilla latte with soy or skim milk, (depending on my recent dairy intake), and NO MUFFIN, PASTRY OR BISCOTTi.

As mentioned above, my home care service has been extended to 5 times/week, Monday through Friday. I’m really happy about this! Dressing myself has been a huge struggle lately, so I haven’t even really bothered on Tuesdays and Thursdays unless I had to. So it’s going to be nice that every weekday I’m up and around, showered and dressed at a decent hour. Plus, Harpal does little things like tidy up, wash dishes and take out my garbage when she has time. HUGE help! So, yay for that.

BOO for Access Calgary, however. Today I had my appointment at the Clinic for Mind/Body Medicine, and my ride never showed up. Well, he did eventually, but only after I called them and said “he’s so late now, my appointment is in 10 minutes (it takes half an hour to get there, if you’re lucky enough to get direct) so I’m not going to make it. There’s no point in going.” Buggers! The last time I went to the clinic, I saw their Psychiatrist, to talk about weaning off my anti-depressants and sleeping pills. It is SO REFRESHING to talk to a Psychiatrist who doesn’t want to see you on pills. He even went so far as to say that anti-depressants don’t work in the long term, “for anyone”. I asked “but what about people with a chemical imbalance?” and he said - are you sitting down? - “a chemical imbalance is just a marketing term made up by the pharmaceutical companies to make their drugs sound necessary. It’s not even real.”

Woah.

Anyway, bottom line is, according to him, anti-depressants work to pull someone out of that “dark place” they’re in (which is what I used them for) but then you need to get off them as soon as possible. Our bodies have an “inner pharmacy” that is perfectly capable of producing that which we take the drugs for. Of course, it’s a different story for schizophrenics, we didn’t get into that. But for someone like me, there is no reason to be on these pills. So, I’ve started the weaning off process with the anti-depressants. Then we will work on the sleeping pills. Which will be a lot harder to stop!! I told him I’ve bought a couple CDs to help put me to sleep but as he said, “it’s as much about what you do during the day as it is about what you do at night”. So, yeah, exercise is a key part of that. And I need to invest in some decaf espresso.

I asked my psychologist there, how it is that this clinic even exists. I mean, don’t pharmaceutical companies rule the world? How can there be a psychiatrist alive who doesn’t want to prescribe drugs? How can there be a medical clinic funded by the GOVERNMENT that believes our bodies can heal themselves? Read this!! Can you believe this exists, and it’s not an “alternative health centre” where I have to pay tons of money out of my own pocket to attend, because Alberta Health Care would never cover such a thing? How how how how how???

The answer is, that a man who was helped by a psychologist that uses these methods of healing, left millions of dollars to the Calgary Health Region when he passed away, with the specific instructions that they only use the money to fund a clinic like this. YAY Mr. Dead Millionnaire Guy! So now I’m going to plan a fundraiser to raise money for them, too. One of these days. I’d rather give my money to this than the MS Society, or any other Society that raises money for research to find a so-called “cure” for anything, ANY day. I’m really blessed to come across this clinic, and to live in a city that has one. I wonder if any other cities do? I expect to get a lot of help from them this year!

Well, it’s almost New Year’s Eve night, now. Since starting this entry I have been to the mall, visited the rental office, signed a one year lease and paid my (increased again - blah) rent, and made plans for tonight. Those plans include a visit from my friend Melanie, who is staying with me for a few days before she goes back to her job up in Fort MacMurray. We’re ordering in food and watching movies and stuff like that. We also have 10 million things to talk about, as I think we both need to let go of a lot of shit before 2008 starts. There may be tears.

Ciao! Happy New Year!!

Yo. Happy New Year, yo.

It’s Christmas Eve day. 10 days since I last updated! My excuse is that my vision is still double and my balance is still way off and I’ve been feeling crappy, and I don’t like writing when I’m feeling crappy. Because it’s all I seem to focus on and it doesn’t do any of us any good to focus on the ill health of anyone.

Which brings me to the reason for today’s post. A few days ago I started listening to a 5 CD set called The Law of Attraction: The Teachings of Abraham. It’s amazing, and it makes me wish I had never given any of my money to the marketing machine infomercial that is The Secret. THIS is The Secret, but Abraham’s been teaching it a lot longer, and better.

It’s that same old principle… we are what we think. Our thoughts create our life experiences, good and bad. Ever notice that the person who speaks often about ill health, has it? (Hello!) NO MORE!!! Ahhh I’ve said it a million times. Seriously, though, I have to stop. I have to stop talking with people about the “rough times I’m going through” with my health, or how much of a downward spiral I seem to be in the past couple years with regards to it, etc. etc. People ask me all the time because they care, but I need to steer that conversation towards something more positive.

I’ve only listened to the first 3 of the 5 CDs and I already know it is the best purchase I’ve made in a long time. Once you can get past the weird stuff… that Abraham is a spiritual entity channeled by Esther Hicks, and speaks through her physical being… and actually listen to what he/they have to say, it is very powerful and makes a lot of sense. Yesterday I took a few hours with CD #2 and typed out some of it, so that I can read it out loud every day. It’s the part where they talk about the “workshop” you spend time in every day to think about and feel the emotions involved in what you want, and begin deliberate creation. We are magnets, and what we think about the most and talk about the most draws to us more of the same. So think the good stuff to GET the good stuff.

I made a Law of Attraction Workshop page. Every word is taken from that CD as Abraham spoke. If you find it useful, you can refer to it whenever you want, as well. Better yet, buy the CDs, because this is only a fraction of the approximately 6 hours of discussion on the CDs!

Pay It Forward Update

The final amount raised was $580, and I spent every penny of it and more. When Kim was here on the 14th, she brought it all back with her the next day. Her sister works for the shelter so it was all delivered. I’m assuming the ladies and kids will be getting stockings and gift bags to open Christmas morning, and our gifts will be included in that. A lot of the items I purchased off eBay, cutting that off Nov. 20 to give the items time to get here. Everything arrived in great condition and on time, except this one woman I bought a bunch of Avon stuff from… I paid Nov. 19 and just received them last week. They weren’t shipped until Dec. 6!!! I was SO upset. What the hell am I supposed to do with 40 lip balms??? I spent $70 of my own money on that lot of stuff. She got some negative feedback from me, that’s for sure. Anyway, some of the make up I will keep (mascaras) and I gave the slippers to my home care worker. Next time I see Kim I’ll probably just give her the rest to drop off at the shelter another time. The make up is brand new, there are 40 sealed lip balms, and 4 new bottles of body iotion…

Anyway, if you include that lot, I spent $673 so even without all that, I did not waste any of YOUR money! Thank you again to everyone who contributed!!!

Oh, remember last entry I mentioned that my friend Pam gave me those healing stones? And that the Jade went flying across the room somewhere when I went to put it under my pillow? Well, last night I decided to take the two other stones I had tucked in my pillowcase at the bottom of my pillow out, because today I’d ask my home care worker to change the bed sheets. I didn’t want the stones flying out when she removed the pillowcase. So, I reached my hand in to retrieve the two stones I knew where there… and pulled out three. The Jade was there. WTF?? Seriously?? So, what’s that, a ghost? Or maybe just my home care worker found the Jade on the floor and being from India, knew what it was for and put it with the others. I guess I could have asked her, but I kind of like the *not knowing*. That’s way more fun.

So if I haven’t freaked you out yet with all my spiritual new age frou frou talk, I’ll end this by wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, etc. etc. I hope you have a safe and warm holiday with lots of love, food, and frolic! My brother is coming over and we’ll get that food part down good, I think. Mom left us one of her amazing cheese balls!!

Pita wishes you a Merry Christmas

Pepper also wishes you a Merry Christmas

I figured I should update y’all on the Pay It Forward project. So far, I have collected $550! See, all your little $10-15-20 contributions added up. Some people gave even larger amounts, which is so awesome. This week I received $100 (combined), so yesterday I went and picked up some more pajamas and a few more things from Dollarama (brushes, soap). I’m trying to keep photos of what I’ve bought up to date at Flickr. Later today my friend Kim arives and she’s staying the night, so on Saturday she will bring everything I’ve bought so far to the shelter. I’m not done yet, though… I’m making December 23 the official cut-off for contributions, giving me one last day to shop, before the remainder of what I get goes to the shelter on Christmas day. I was hoping to reach at least the $800 mark, but I’ve done pretty good! My living room is pretty full of stuff, but we need MORE PAJAMAS.

So, to sum it up: if you haven’t contributed yet, you have until December 23 to do so! Use the paypal button at the end of the entry, or email me (donna@innereyes.com) for other payment options. Thank you all SO MUCH!! (All money is going towards buying necessities for the women and children escaping abusive relationships at CAWES. A quick peek at their website just now tells me that Alberta has the highest rate of family violence in Canada, and leads the country in domestic assault, homicide-suicide amd stalking. Oh, yay for us. *shudder*

My vision is still double, and it’s REALLY annoying. Screws up my balance and everything, too. It’s been over two weeks… I sure hope it’s temporary!! I went blind in 1999 for 6 weeks, and that went away (leaving my right eye messed up, but at least I could see again) so I am hoping this is like that. No longer than 6 weeks!!! Double vision 24 hours a day SUCKS ASS.

Last weekend we did Christmas early. It was the only time my mom and brother could both be here… my brother is moving this weekend, and Mom and Bob leave next week for New Brunswick. They’re spending Christmas with Bob’s family out there (including all his grandkids!) So my brother came over here, which he hasn’t been able to do for months. His work is keeping him soooo busy, and now moving. We exchanged gifts; of course, money towards my new electronic lift chair was my main gift I already received, but I still got a few other things. My mom can’t handle not having presents for us to open! I got a new microwave oven, which is awesome. I’ve had this old thing I got used, many years ago, without a turntable thingy, and it did an awful job. The new one is great, stuff is heating up way faster, and evenly! Yay. I also got a nice large basket to collect my recycled bottles and cans (instead of the green garbage bag I had been using), and a shower shelf to keep all my bathroom stuff on! Mom gave us stockings filled with goodies that I am quickly making my way through. Darren gave me a DVD (Number 23) and the one I ordered for him didn’t arrive until this past Monday, so he’ll get it on Christmas. We are doing our own little Christmas this year, just us.

Oh, and before my brother came over, my friend Pam popped by for a bit. She brought me a mini-loaf of her freshly baked banana chocolate chip bread, as well as some great pressies (hemp soaps and candle, and some healing stones). I’m not sure how to use the stones, but that is why we have Google. Last night I decided to take the Jade stone (for sleep problems) and keep it under my pillow for the night. Why not, right? I’m desperate to get off sleeping pills and will try anything. The plan was, to put the stone inside my pillowcase, under the pillow. Not to drop it as I was getting into bed, and have no idea where it ended up.

I bought a cheap CD player for my bedroom, and have been listening to various relaxation CDs to try and get to sleep without pharmaceuitcal interference. It’s not happening yet, but it may take time!

Anyway, Saturday night my mom stayed over, and between Saturday night and Sunday, lots was done around here. My office became a place I am able to work in again, and a few trips to the garbage dumpster were made. My place is “tidy” again, which makes such a huge difference. This vision/balance things has made every move more difficult and I’ve been feeling so useless. I wonder if I’ll be weaning off my anti-depressants any time soon? I’m still seeing my psychologist at the mind/body medicine clinic, and next week I’ll be talking to the psychiatrist there about getting off these meds. I figure it will be basic weaning, 10mg less every couple weeks or so until I’m off them. I don’t want to need them. Being sad because your vision is fucked up and you’re unable to do even the most basic of tasks for yourself is totally normal. Even on the dose I am taking, I’ve been breaking down in tears a lot lately. Which is to be expected, who wouldn’t? So I’m not sure pills are what I need. What I need, is a Time Machine to take me back to this night (I was thinking about it last night - how good I felt, how much healthier I was, how that is the night Jason and I officially became Friends, not just acquaintances, the clothes I could fit into, the just needing a cane and sometimes not even that…) When Jason was helping me into his van a couple weeks ago, I made a comment about how much things had changed since the first time I got into that van and didn’t need more than a little boost. Now it is a workout for everyone involved. I’m heavier, my MS is worse, my emotions are heavier… Jason, always the sweetie, said “you’re still the same Donna to me. You’re doing great! You’re fine! You have up and down waves with this. You’ll be just fine and I think you’re doing great”. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I love that man.

Okay, where was I before I got off on a “woe is me” tangent?? Oh, my place being tidy thanks to my mom and brother. Yes. And, of course, my home care worker helps me so much too!! I’m so grateful for that.

This week, so far, has been quiet. Lots of reading, working, going to the post office… AH picked me up from work on Wednesday, which was nice. I haven’t seen him in ages. He’s taken on an office painting project BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SAY NO which is taking up his evenings and weekends. And somewhere in there he has to bring his kids Kinder Eggs every night. He started it, and now he has to keep it up hahaha!

Tonight will be nice, with Kim here. We’re going for dinner, and hopefully to see live music… but it will depend on how I feel… I’ve been such a party pooper lately. I’ve canceleed so many plans I’ve had because of my current condition. Pleeeeeease let it be temporary!!!

Pita missed her calling

As a Tightrope Walker.