Can You Hear Me Now?

(Edited to correct the year. But the direct link and feeds shall forever say 08…)

Ahhh, it’s 2009. I sure hope it is better to me than 2008 was! I think I say that every year. It would be nice to see some improvements instead of this downhill slide I’ve been on the past couple of years.

I hope I can get some sleep this year! I need to figure out how to get comfortable, my hips are in so much pain. I haven’t been to my Chiropractor in ages and of course he is on holidays right now, so when he gets back I definitely need to see him. But even he probably can’t fix me up, I’m going to need some hip cushions in my bed or something. I think once I get comfortable, I may be able to sleep without pills. I was hoping the 5-HTP I’ve been taking for depression would help with my sleeping patterns, as that is tryptophan (found in turkey and warm milk) but I think I need to take a few at night in order for that to help my sleep. I take one with each meal as it is, I don’t know if that would be too many. I have to look into it further. I watched a TV show yesterday where they compared different sleep aids; the winner was Nytol’s natural sources which is Valerian root. One person chose 5-HTP and one chose an antihistamine. No one chose Melatonin, which I used to use but is useless to me now. It’s probably cheaper to buy straight valerian root capsules than to buy the Nytol brand. I remember also trying that years ago and guess what? It didn’t work for me, either. So what next? My mom suggested I talk to my doctor about medicinal marijuana, which is probably a good idea.

Oh, speaking of herbs, on the news today they announced that Stevia (an herb sweetener) has been approved for use by the FDA and should start appearing in some foods and drinks later this year. I think that is awesome! I can’t touch Aspartame (gives me headaches, plus it’s just plain evil) and am always weary of Splenda because it is a chemical as well. I’ve had Stevia packets around for years but never add sugar to anything so I never use them. Plus, I don’t know what the Stevia to sugar ratio is. It’s not 1:1 like Splenda and sugar is, so I never used it in baking or anything. I’ll leave it to the experts. And will be first in line to buy Stevia sweetened Coke!

My phone rang in the wee hours the other morning while I was quietly resting and hoping to drift back to sleep (which is my usual state). It was my least favourite company on earth, Sammons-Preston. After all the shit I went through with them after I ordered my exercise platform, they never did charge my Visa card for it. They charged me for the freight, shipping and taxes, but not the table itself. So they’ve been sending me a statement every month. And every month I send them an email (I’m not wasting the time to call those F*ckers) telling them they need to bill me the proper amount (less the measily $100 credit I was given for all the hassle I went through) and then charge it to my credit card using all the information I gave them when I originally ordered it online. In JULY. Every flippin’ month I’ve been doing this, for 4 months straight. WTF is wrong with their customer service department? So, the other day, my phone rings at 7:50 a.m. while I’m TRYING to sleep and it’s still DARK OUT FOR GOD’S SAKE, I don’t care if you’re down east where it is 2 hours later, look at the f*cking area code you are dialing.

Anyway, this woman calls and the only reason I answer is because no one in their right mind (who knows me) would call me that early unless it was an emergency. When I found out who it was and that she was calling because I still haven’t paid my bill, I tore a STRIP off of her. I told her they billed me the wrong amount, that I’ve been emailing them every month, that they have all my credit information from my initial order, blah blah blah. She insisted she has no information regarding any of the above and I told her that maybe she should look into what happens to emails sent to customer service, why they are continually ignored, and to call me back LATER, and hung up.

Needless to say, I was unable to fall back asleep and they never called me back later.

Speaking of F*cking, I watched Young People F*cking last week, and it is HILARIOUS and fabulous. I suggest every adult in the free world check it out. It should go down in history as one of the best movies of 2008 period, never mind that it’s Canadian and Canadian movies often suck. I felt a personal connection to this film because Todor Kobakov composed the music. Now, I don’t know Todor personally, but he is in a band with my friend Lindy, so I think I’m entitled to a connection. Lindy and Todor wrote and recorded that awesome Maynard’s candy commercial jingle which is the best original commercial jingle of all time.

Anyway, check out the trailer for the movie:

And now go rent it!

I really need a new kitchen floor.

I’m going STIR CRAZY!! It is so freezing outside, I haven’t been able to leave my apartment in over a week. It’s way too cold, windy, icy and snowy to take my scooter out and go to the mall. (Think riding at a snail’s pace on a motorcycle in -30° weather with the windchill, you wouldn’t want to be out there I don’t care how many scarves you own. Plus it’s just not safe, scooters don’t have winter tires and there is too much snow/ice). I can’t walk enough to go up the hall and out of my apartment to get into a car. My only way out is if someone comes to get me and comes inside, helps me with my wheelchair, wheels me to their car, helps me in, puts my wheelchair in the trunk… and face it, no one wants to be doing any of that in this weather. Most people don’t even want to drive at all in this! I’m lucky I’ve had home care and family come by, and today a friend is coming over to watch movies and make coffee and order in food and stuff like that, which is great, but I want to go OUT!!! Damn weather. I feel like I’m serving a house arrest prison sentence. My plans with people to go places and do stuff keeps getting postponed “until the weather gets better”. Andrea and I wanted to get to the Saskatoon Farm before Christmas, but it doesn’t look like that will happen.

I’m just glad I finished my Christmas shopping earlier and went out with friends last Friday, minutes before the frigid temperatures and snow storm hit, to finish up my shopping and get my gifts wrapped.

Week One on my 5-HTP went well. I heard a little snippet on TV of Jim Carrey saying something about taking hydroxytryptophan, and we all know how much I love Jim Carrey, so I Googled that and woah, I guess he opened up a whole can of worms by bringing it up on Larry King. Well I say, good for you, Jim. He said the same things I’ve said right here in this very blog. That anti-depressants like Paxil and Prozac are great and often necessary but NOT FOR LONG TERM USE. You just have to keep increasing the dosage to feel better (I started at 10 mg/day, and eventually went up to 40 mg/day, as doctors increased it every time I cried). And of course he gets ragged on for not being a doctor, and neither am I, but hopefully people like Jim and his girlfriend Jenny McCarthy will help open people’s eyes to how things like diet and supplements can make a huge difference. (Without making people think they are crazy like Tom Cruise). I think by now everyone knows Jenny healed her son of Autism by removing dairy and gluten from his diet and giving him certain supplements. I’m really glad I finally heard of 5-HTP and look forward to how much better I feel in another week (it should kick in fully after two weeks). I haven’t taken any other meds besides my LDN this past week and hope to keep it that way.

Pita hissing at my home care worker Anna, and scaring the shit out of both of us, is getting worse and worse. She’s like a rabid animal. I don’t doubt for a minute that Anna has some negative energy, but she is helping me and I need her. This morning I managed to lock Pita in my office using the “let’s chase the laser light!” ploy before Anna got here. I’m going to have to do that every time Anna comes. That is, until Pita catches on and stops chasing the little red dot into my office because she knows what’s coming. My next step would be to call home care and ask that they replace Anna, which I don’t want to do, but I seriously fear for her safety and if something happened to Anna, I would be held responsible and, I dunno, would Pita be put down? Since she is the friendliest, cutest, most playful and affectionate cat on earth with every other human being that comes through my door, not to mention how I feel about her myself, there is no way in hell I’m going to let that happen.

Face of an angel, or devil in cute clothing?’

Pepper simply hides when Anna is here, so no worries about her.

Okay, I am starting to feel a lot better! I personally think getting back into daily Chi Machine use is helping a lot. I also started on a new supplement, 5-HTP, which is extracted from Griffonia seeds and is a natural way to boost seratonin levels. It is recommended in Dr. Amen’s book for depression (which I received today, but have yet to read), and it also apparently helps suppress carb cravings and improve sleep, so if that is all true, I’m off to the races!! I’ve only been taking it for two days though, so I can’t give it credit yet. But I’ll keep you posted. I’d rather take this than Paxil again, any day! After how hard it was to get off that stuff, I want to stay away from it forever. So I hope 5-HTP helps. And sleep, oh, I hope it helps me sleep, too.

I think I’m pretty much finished my Christmas shopping. Amazon has been my friend this year. I also made a trip to the mall yesterday with my brother, and tomorrow I am going again with a couple friends from elementary school days. We reconnected on Facebook and have met for coffee a couple of times, and they offered to help me out if I ever need anything, so I took them up on it! We’re going to the mall and for lunch, then they will come over here and wrap presents for me! Remind me I need tape and wrapping stuff. I haven’t giftwrapped for ages, I’ve gift-bagged!

Speaking of Amazon, one of my orders never arrived, but the tracking number and Canada Post say it was delivered December 5th. I never got it. I personally think the postal carrier left it leaning against my door, as she has before, and it was stolen. Because I live in ‘da Hood and these things happen. I once had a large container of groceries stolen from outside my door (why he left them, I’ll never know, since I was home and a knock would have been nice, but I guess delivery people consider this a secure building with the locked front doors and that neighbours are neighbourly. HA! People will even take down your UPS notices and post office notices taped to your mailbox, just to be assholes). Anyway, I thought I was going to have to go through a big claims process with Canada Post and re-order everything again and hope for a future refund. Nope, when I called Amazon they said they would put the trace on it and in the meantime send me a new order with upgraded shipping at no cost to me, so I’ll have it early next week. How awesome is that? I heart Amazon.

Speaking of Christmas shopping, I’ve been so busy being sick and feeling like crap I never got around to a Pay It Forward project this year. I did buy some toys yesterday for the Toy Mountain and I urge all of you, dear readers, to do what you can to help others in need this Christmas!! Did you watch Secret Millionaire the other night? That would be so cool to be in the position to do that.

One of my home care workers is going through the worst time right now. With her own personal life, with her son’s affair and marriage break-up, and the loss of 3 home care clients in the past week - one to death and the other two to hospitalizations they are not expected to return home from (one is only 29 and brain dead…). Her own stress and negative energy is freaking the hell out of Pita, who hisses at her every time she walks in the door. She used to even follow Anna around and hiss and growl, now she just hisses once and then hides until Anna leaves. It’s weird. If it was me feeling that way (and it has been), Pita would not leave my side (as she never did when I was at my worst… she did NOT leave my side for even a second, and if I left a room she was in without her noticing, when she awoke she would cry and whine until she saw me again). Cats are so intuitive. Pepper, on the other hand, has never shown her face to Anna, I don’t think Anna even knows I have two cats. It took many months before Pepper hung out when Janice, my other home care worker, was here. Now both cats are always around. I hope Pita comes around with Anna soon. Anna is not a bad person at all and Pita used to love her like she loves everyone. This change just came on quite suddenly. Anna scared her one day when she dropped her big bag right where Pita was sleeping, and ever since then she behaves in ways I’ve never seen Pita, lover of all people, behave. Today I gave Anna treats to give Pita. Hopefully that will eventually work.

Anyway, it’s time for me to get settled in for The Office. Ciao!

HEY! I have a blog! Maybe I should write in it sometime.

Frequent updater or not, I was given an award recently, from Weeble Girl.

The rules of the award are that I am then supposed to pass it on to at least 10 other bloggers that show great attitude or gratitude. Well, that ain’t gonna happen, because I don’t read as many blogs as I used to, and the ones I do don’t exactly fit that description most of the time! I will definitely pass it on to three people:

Maggie

Sylvie

and Sandee.

Those three ladies show amazing courage and gratitude when faced with difficult obstacles, and their positive attitudes are inspiring.

I, on the other hand, am not so sure I deserve such an award at the moment! My attitude has sucked as of late, which is one reason why I haven’t updated. I hate whining in here.

The past month has been a difficult one. I have been quite sick, alternating between diarrhea and constipation and nausea and gas pains and all that stuff. My digestive system is quite upset with me. I started feeling sick on Tuesday, Nov. 4 and by Thursday night the diarrhea hit so bad I had to go to the hospital after 6 hours of making a mess and not being able to control it! I stayed there for about 8 days until I could no longer take it there. Plus test results showed nothing major. So I was home sick for another week, getting sick within hours of putting anything in my mouth. Back in to the hospital the following Saturday, where they just gave me IV fluids and Gravol before sending me home. The conclusion was that I had some sort of “bug” that was taking it’s time leaving. Finally my Chiropractor/Naturopath came home from his holidays and I was able to talk to him. He told me doctors will say it’s some sort of “bug” or virus when they don’t know what else it is. The fact is, my GI tract is not happy with how I’ve been treating it over the years, so it’s fighting back. I’m on homeopathic drops and a strict diet for now (no wheat, dairy, raw veggies, nuts, soy, peas, beans) at least until this improves and my future will need to consist of no (or VERY little) wheat and dairy. I’ve always known that, right? I just never stuck to it for long. I always learn the hard way.

I missed several of my musician friends who passed through town while I was out of commission. Rob Szabo was here on November 7. He was able to come visit me in the hospital on Nov. 12 when he was passing through to go to a house concert (at my friend Kim’s) near Red Deer. Him and Revival Dear came into my room, closed the door (I was in a private room!) and played a couple of songs for me Soooo sweet. Then, Royal Wood was here on the 14th, whom I have never met, but I LOVE him and own all his CDs and was really hoping to see him. Plus, my friend Adam Warner was on tour with him. So, missing them sucked!! Then, Peter Katz was here the weekend I made my second hospital visit. I was home resting on the Sunday, so he popped over before his show for a quick visit, which was super sweet.

Luckily, Rob and Peter tour regularly so hopefully it won’t be long before they are here again.

Being sick and weak with no energy, unable to sleep and a shitty attitude has lead to another major depression for me. I cry at the drop of a hat over everything and nothing. I never go out. I can barely walk, and certainly not up the hall and out the door, so I’ve been home bound, since I can’t set up and operate my wheelchair by myself. And depressed, did I mention that? Both my Home Care Nurse and my doctor have talked to me about going on a type of medication that is part anti-depressant/part sedative, to take at bedtime to help me sleep as well as help the depression. I always fought it off and said “no, I’m not depressed I’m just going through a rough time”. That was months ago. I think I AM depressed now, and still not sleeping well, so when I saw my doctor on Wednesday I asked him about that medication. He wrote a script for one month and then told me to come back and see him to let him know how it’s going before he gave me more. My dad and brother were with me that day and we filled the script that night.

So, right before bed, I take ONE pill. Within half an hour, my left side started jerking uncontrollably, and my right side became COMPLETELY PARALYZED. I mean, completely! I was freaking out. In denial that I could actually be totally paralyzed, I tried to get out of bed. As soon as I tried to stand up, I hit the floor. Did you know that when you are paralyzed, you cannot weight bear? I learned that the hard way. I couldn’t even put weight on my right arm to try and roll myself over. Just… FLOP. I managed to sit up on the floor, and actually tried to get myself up, but obviously that did not work. I guess I was making more noise than I thought (perhaps swearing and HELP! and stuff) because I heard a neighbour outside my door calling to me. I have no idea who it was, but I called out that I had fallen and am disabled and unable to get up. Because I was on the floor near my bed, I could hit the speaker button on my phone and I called my dad. “I fell down!” and he said he’d be right over. All my family has keys to my apartment now, for such exciting occasions.

I guess my neighbour called 911, because suddenly the Police were knocking at my door. I called out that I could not let them in, because I was on the floor, paralyzed and unable to get up. And that my dad was on his way. They asked me if there was someone else they could call with a key that might be faster, and I yelled out the rental office phone number and that there is a manager who lives in the building they may be able to contact. So they did that, as EMS also arrived. So outside my door there were 2 police officers and 4 paramedics. Unreal. I am a BIG DEAL, people.

The resident manager finally unlocked my door, moments before my dad and brother arrived. The 4 paramedics came in and started doing the usual blood pressure/oxygen/temperature/blood sugar etc. as I swore up and down I was fine, it was simply a bad side effect from a new medication and I was sure it would wear off by morning. I did not want to go to the hospital, I just needed help to get up and back in bed. So they did that, and I signed a waiver confirming I didn’t want to go to the hospital. My dad and brother, bless their souls, offered to stay the night just in case the medication didn’t wear off by morning and I needed help.

So, I won’t be taking THAT medication again. The next morning my leg and arm were okay, pretty much back to how they were before, so my dad and brother left to go about their lives. My home care came as usual and an old high school friend came by for coffee. I faxed my doctor a letter teling him what happened, and he faxed me back another prescription for a similar medication at a much lower dose. I filled that later and took one that night. It had absolutely no effect on me, and since I can'’t mix these meds with anything else, I couldn’t even take something else to help me sleep, and literally laid awake all night.

By morning, I had just about had it. I have already lost so much of my abilities over this past year, and then the diarrhea and stuff started, taking every last bit of my strength, energy and Will left in me, and on top of that, I can’t sleep. I’m just a little bit pissed off. I don’t want to go on anti-depressants again, even if this one isn’t an SSRI and apparently not addictive. I just want to sleep and use my chi machine and drink lots of water and eat fairly healthy and get out more/socialize and listen to my Louise Hay CDs and GET BETTER. I think all of that will help more than another anti-depressant, and I do have people in my life offering to help. Two old friends from high school are actually taking me out for shopping and lunch on Friday, and another couple friends are going to arrange times to help me get to the pool and stuff. My friend Andrea even wants to take me out to the Saskatoon Farm for lunch soon! So, decision made. No more new drugs. Back to what I was doing before I got sick a month ago and enough with the shitty attitude. And I’m going to read this book. That doctor was on PBS today and had a lot of great things to say, that pertain to me.

And finally, another Meme-type thing from Maggie.

The rulz:

1. Go to your pictures file.
2. Go to the 4th file.
3. Go to the 4th picture.
4. Post it and tell the story.
5. Tag 4 more people

I know Maggie was hoping for a cute kitty pic, but my cat pictures file is called “Pita and Pepper” and is way further down than 4th. The 4th file is “Donna’s Stuff” and the 4th picture is:

I tore that page out of the Air New Zealand magazine when I was on my way to Auckland in November, 2001. I’ve always enjoyed a bellini, and was quite excited to find out The Hilton in Auckland has an actual bar called The Bellini, where they apparently make the best ones in the world. Well, The Hilton on Prince’s Wharf in Auckland, NZ sells a bellini for $28 (a mini muffin is $8 and I think fries were $15) and it wasn’t even that GOOD! I much prefer the cheaper restaurants here. But the experience was worth it, and we made sure to visit the gorgeous washrooms on the way out and steal a couple of lovely Hilton white face clothes.

As for tagging? If you read this and have a blog, consider yourself tagged

I realize it’s been forever since I updated. I just returned home from a stay at the hospital, some sort of virus… I don’t know. I’ve been sick/gassy/bloated for two weeks and I had diarrhea for 9 days!! I’m still feeling quite ill and my mom is staying with me this week, feeding me burnt toast (helps the gas) and scrambled eggs and whatever else I can tolerate.

Anyway, hospital tests concluded nothing, so I wanted to come home before I caught something there. (Hospitals are a great place to get infections). I’m weak and feel yucky and with all my not eating you’d think I’d have lost 30 pounds this past two weeks, but my body doesn’t work that way, darnit! I’m just trying to keep my fluids up and get my strength back.

Discussions with others have led me to believe this was brought on by my water bottle!! I drink out of this one litre Rubbermaid bottle I have and rarely clean it, just rinse it and refill… so no more of that. I like having a large bottle by me that I don’t have to refill often, but I’m going to have to switch to just a glass or my Sigg or another kind of bottle that I steralize often!

More another day…

Kitties in the window, watching and waiting for me to come home from the hospital on the weekend.

So I promised and update, but didn’t commit to any particular time frame, because that’s just how I roll.

As mentioned, I saw that psychic Pat again a couple weeks ago. I don’t really like calling her a “Psychic”, I think “Intuitive” suits her better. She is an amazingly intuitive person. Here’s a few notes about our visit:

I’m in really bad shape compared to the last time I saw her. She obviously noticed this and wondered what the hell was going on with me. I spent the first part of the session in tears.

These are Pat’s words, mine are in brackets.

• “You were doing better six months ago. I saw you when you were seeing Kevin (for Quantum Release Therapy) and you were doing better. What happened? Did you have an emotional setback? I know you’re angry.” (::sob::) (My dad came back into my life about 6 months ago, that’s the only thing I can think of that changed in my life).
• “Things are starting to turn around for you now. You have to want to live” (::sob:: I don’t want to right now ::sob::)
• “You think if you killed yourself no one would care except your two cats. Do you have two cats?” (::sob:: YES ::sob::) “LOTS of people would care if you died” (I do know this, but it’s seriously been my cats that have stopped me from doing it in my absolute most darkest moments because I don’t know who could possibly love them more than I do. I didn’t say that out loud because I was crying too hard, but that’s what I think).
• “I want you to do affirmations. I want you to say ‘I deserve to be loved’ because you don’t think you do. Say it a hundred times a day. Start manifesting your ’soul mate’. I know you don’t think you’ll ever meet anyone, but he is out there, and I want you to start manifesting him. You will meet him when you’ve healed all this stuff. He IS out there.”
• “You’ve stopped going out because it is so hard for you. You’re even pissed off about being here today because it was so much trouble to get here.” (::sob:: Nodding ::sob::).
• “You are not going to get worse than you are now. This is going ‘through’ you now. You are pushing through all the ‘crap’ and it’s surfacing now. MS has been in your body since you were 14 and now it’s rising to the surface. The Quantum Release Therapy helped you, but you don’t need more. Kevin is done. He helped you get half way there. The rest is up to you.”
• “You need to release all your anger and forgive. You are SO pissed off. You have to tell people/write letters to your dad and people that have hurt you. YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE AND LET GO.”
• “What happened at age 9? I sense you’ve been unhappy since age 9″ (That’s when our family was uprooted to Calgary, and I won’t get into details here of the problems that started occurring in my family from that age, but Pat sensed it right).
• “Kids had been cruel to you as a child, too” (I mentioned being picked on because of my weight) “Let it go. You think ‘no one will want me’. Blockages from the past are getting in the way. It’s hard for you to trust; you went through hard times.”
• “God gave you a big challenge but you will get through. You will be getting stronger. Exercise and emotional work will help. I see things a lot better by February.”

It’s really hard to get into all the details of what was said. Basically, she wants me to keep reading the books/watching the DVDs/listening to the CDs I have been and stay in a “healing mindset”. She wants me to actually sit down with my dad and list off all the things that have pissed me off so much over the years. Personally, I don’t see how that would help, it would only serve to hurt and upset my dad for my own selfish needs. Louise Hay (and my client/friend Coach K has been telling me this for years) suggests writing letters, getting it all out, and then burning them and letting it go. Forgiveness is for me and I don’t need to involve the other people.

Apparently, and obviously, I am a super-sensitive person who hangs on to everything and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to let stuff go, like most people do. It must be subconscious, because I think I’ve let stuff go, consciously I know the past is the past and needs to be left there, but then it comes out in other ways that tell me, oh, obviously I did not let that go. Pat made a comment that I hold onto everything that has ever happened to me, as well as everyone else I know, and the world - 9/11, the state of the U.S. economy, all of it. It makes me laugh, but it’s so true. I subconsciously worry about everyone and everything and it eats away at me, and that’s why my body is sick.

Anyway, since that visit with Pat, (wherein I also showed her photos of some friends, and she said some very accurate things about them; and then asked me why so many people in my life are in music, and that I should be singing and writing music. She mentioned music therapy again, which she suggested I look into last time I saw her), I have continued with my daily therapy of lots of affirmations, thinking more positive thoughts, using my Chi Machine and stretching, meditation… it’s starting to work. I actually have days go by where I don’t cry at all!

Anyway.

I’ve been meaning to talk about that healthy chocolate I’ve been eating. I bought a one week supply from a lady that sells it, and noticed in that one week that my puffy right foot went down to normal size, and that I was sleeping better without pills. So I went ahead and bought some. Then I researched more about it, and watched a ton of videos on You Tube, and decided to sign myself up as a distributor so I could get the discount for myself, and maybe even earn a few $$ because if it helped me, I’d tell everyone about it! So I started eating it regularly, and over a 2 to 3 week period I noticed all kinds of little improvements… my bladder worked better, my vision was improving, my skin looked amazing, regular bowel movements, etc. etc. Then I woke up one day with a bad cold and terrible numbness/tingling down my left side. I assumed the cold was a detox symptom, because I haven’t had a cold in ages, and any time I have started taking a healthy supplement like that I get sick for awhile - the Herx reaction, as they call it (that video refers to Lyme Disease, but I think it bodes well for MS and other disorders as well). But the numbness and tingling scared me, I thought it might be a reaction to the sugar in the chocolate (”raw cane juice crystals” is still sugar). The last time I had experienced that numbness and tingling there was when I overdosed on Krispy Kreme doughnuts when a friend bought me a box for my birthday years ago (KK has since closed in Calgary, thank goodness). That was a reaction to the sugar, so I thought this was as well. So I stopped it.

A week went by, during which I did not sleep or poop. (Oh, should I have warned in advance about poop talk? Sorry). The numbness and the cold both went away. I looked a little more into the sugar content of the chocolate, and I was only getting between 7 to 9 grams/day from it. One KK doughnut has at least 11g and during my “OD” period I ate several in one day. A can of pop has about 40g of sugar, and it’s not like I’ve never drank one. And watching that Herx reaction video, and re-reading Pat’s words, reminds me that you do, indeed, often need to get worse before you get better.

So I re-activated my Xocai account and am back on it. After only 3 days I am sleeping again without the aid of sleeping pills, and poops are back on schedule. ‘Whew. I’m going to stay on it now and ride out whatever weird symptoms might pop up. I love this chocolate, because it is CHOCOLATE, and I need 3/day. I may forget to take all my vitamins and other supplements, but I never forget to eat my chocolate. Funny how that works. Take a look for yourself if you’re interested, there is a lot of good research out there about this stuff. It’s pricey, but worth it for me, so far.

In other news:

• My Home Care is now split between two ladies, Janice and Anna. They are wonderful. And they both speak English! I’m so thrilled to have daily help I can actually communicate with.
• I love my Chi Machine. I’m now up to 20 minutes/day. I think it’s going to help me a lot!
• To get me out of the house, my entire family took me to the Olive Garden for lunch last week. Mom, Dad, Stepdad, and brother. All at the same table!
• Thanksgiving dinner was actually Saturday, my mom and Bob came over and brought the food. They left me the rest of the pumpkin pie
• You absolutely must go to this website, where you can create a yearbook photo of yourself from any year. Here is my 1978 result:

• Rob Szabo is back on November 7!

The other day, Pepper was sitting on the desk beside me, and Pita jumped up and started licking her head. It was sooooo cute, I had to grab my camera. I just can’t get enough of the kitties grooming each other… it is so sweet, and so relaxing to watch! So I felt the need to put it to some relaxing music by the Polyjesters.

I love Jim Carrey. You may already know that about me. What you may not know, is how far back and deep my love for Jim Carrey goes. It started 26 years ago, at the ripe old age of 14. I’m not even sure where I saw him. Some TV show on CBC, I think. He was cute and funny and I started crushing on him. Then, devastation: I open People magazine and flip to a gossip page where I see a photo of Jim with Linda Ronstadt captioned: “Linda Ronstadt and her boy toy, Canadian comic James Carrey”. He would have been about 19 or 20 at the time. I remember pulling out my mom’s Linda Ronstadt record and playing it, holding the album cover in my hands, staring at her picture and crying. She was sooooo lucky, she had my man!! I couldn’t wait to see movies like Once Bitten and Peggy Sue Got Married. Anything My Jim was in, I’d watch! I was thrilled for him when he got In Living Color. Finally he would receive the fame and recognition he so greatly deserved.

I always knew My Jim was super talented. He was not only hilarious, but he could act, baby! I knew he’d make it as a comedic actor as well as a dramatic one. I have stood firmly in my belief in that man over the years, even through the bad movies, my faith in him prevailed. Although I may have been a little quieter about my love for him during the really bad movies and that marriage blip; that was a difficult time in our relationship. But I knew, deep down, that he would always come out a winner in the end, My Jim. I know a good thing when I see it.

Yesterday, My Jim appeared on Oprah, with his love Jenny McCarthy. (Who, by the way, I LOVE, and was so happy when they got together). The show was about Mother Warriors and was very inspiring. Jim was not there to promote a movie or be silly, so we got to see a deeper side of him (one I always knew he had because I have loved him for 26 years).

Jim said the most amazing thing, when they were talking about women with challenges (whether it be themselves or their children) and how these women (like myself) often think they will be alone forever because no one would want them with all the troubles they come with. This is what came out of the mouth of My Jim:

Jim says women should keep in mind what they do want—not what they don’t want—from a partner. “If you go around saying, ‘It’s impossible. No one will ever love me. A good man is hard to find,’ then you’re saying to the universe that you don’t believe in abundance,” he says. “This universe that created the stars, galaxies, Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon and the duck-billed platypus is quite capable of finding someone for you that has the capacity to love you, no matter what your situation is, and think of it as a blessing.”

POW. I love you, Jim Carrey. Even more now, than 26 years ago, if that’s possible. Thank you.

Things are moving along in the Home Care department. Today was my first visit with my new lady. It looks like I may actually end up with 2 or 3, because Janice can’t do Wednesday or Thursday mornings, and she doesn’t work weekends. I’ve got a woman named Anna for Saturdays; I’ve met her a couple times before when Harpal was sick and she is a sweetheart. Janice will be coming Monday, Tuesday and Friday mornings for personal care, Monday and Thursday afternoons for range of motion exercises, and every second Thursday for housekeeping. Hopefully a good routine will be put in place soon, maybe Anna can even do the Wednesdays and Thursdays. Janice is a great lady, I think we’ll get along just fine. And no language barrier! We actually chatted for a long time this afternoon after my exercises, to the point that my speech started to slur!

I’m really liking my Chi Machine. I’m up to 10 minutes/day, and I can tell it’s going to get better and better over the weeks as I work up to 20 minutes. I really feel like I’ve worked out afterwards, yet it’s relaxing at the same time. I feel good after I use it, too, which is what you’re supposed to feel like after exercise, right? Energized, and all that? What I find interesting, is that when I asked the Occupational Therapist who’s been over a lot lately if he’s ever heard of a Chi Machine, he said “no” and played dumb. The next time he was over he noticed I actually have one, and it’s set up on the table, so he then told me “many of my clients have those, and they love them. But because they are not an ‘approved’ form of exercise or therapy, we are not allowed to recommend/discuss them or help clients use them”. It’s really a shame, because I think they would make a huge difference for people who are paralyzed. Paraplegics have physiotherapists to move their limbs and exercise their legs. This machine would help so much, just lay their ankles in it and turn it on and let the machine do the work to keep the circulation going throughout the body and strengthen leg muscles. What a shame that the medical profession won’t even consider the many uses it could have.

Oh, speaking of my OT, he was here on Monday with a motorized wheelchair for me to try out. I wasn’t allowed to keep it here because there isn’t really room in here, plus I can’t open my building doors by myself. With one hand on the controls and the other un-useable, I don’t have any way to open the doors and of course, they’re not automatic. I can do it on my scooter because I’m positioned differently and can use my left leg. So, no motorized wheelchair for me unless I move into a 100% wheelchair accessible location. Which is sort of on the agenda, but between you and me, I don’t wanna. I want to get stronger and get back to the strength and mobility I had at least before I broke my wrist in June/06. If I move, and get a motorized wheelchair, I’m just setting myself up for worsening health and mobility, as far as I’m concerned. Law of attraction, and all that. I need to think healing, positive thoughts and ignore the alternative. “One’s perception of their own health is more important than their actual health”. Perception becomes reality. And I perceive that I am getting better, not worse. Right? Right.

SEASON PREMIERE OF THE OFFICE TONIGHT OMG.

It’s a bloody miracle:

After two months and 3 days of waiting patiently (HA!), I finally got my exercise mat platform on Thursday. My dad and brother came over in the evening and set it up. So, welcome to my new dining room! Everything fit perfectly, the cat food table and garbage just fit to the left and my recycling basket fits at the foot of the table beside the hutch (behind my big chair). My chair still goes all the way back in reclining position without hitting anything. Purrrrrfect.

On top of it is my Chi Machine, which I have been using for a few minutes/day. You have to work up to 20 minutes/day slowly, and I can see why. It’s a little harder than it looks, especially when you’re as out of shape as I am. Plus, like everything else on this planet, it’s made for skinny people who can easily fit their ankles in the end and lay back straight without any discomfort (i.e. perhaps your legs are not sticks and your thighs need a little more room so they’re not squished up against each other). But fat people don’t really exist, do they? Except in the “before” pictures on diet ads. So we don’t need to worry about bodies that come in different shapes and sizes, oh no no no.

Anyway, I’m just going to keep using it every day and hope for the best! I know it’s doing something and I can feel the “whoosh” of my chi flowing when I turn it off. I need to lie there, and then sit there, for a few minutes before I can get up again because I do feel like I’ve worked out and need to re-group. Unfortunately, I find it really hard to stretch on that table or do anything myself because I am so out of shape and can’t move my right limbs on my own. I do have another home care worker who will be doing range of motion exercises with me twice/week, starting soon I hope. Actually, I’m getting a new home care worker altogether because I hit my breaking point with Harpal yesterday. My needs and the way I need to do things have changed over the past 6 months, and she’s not changing with me. The supervisor has been here twice to go over things with her, but she still can’t/won’t do it the way she’s been told. She doesn’t understand English or basic, simple instructions and we’re always arguing. Simple things the supervisor went over with her she argues aren’t her job and won’t do them or wants to do them her way, which doesn’t work for me. I had a long talk with her supervisor yesterday and we’ve given up on trying to teach Harpal and someone new should be here this week. It’s too bad, because she was great in the beginning, when my needs were very simple and she barely had to help me. I pretty much only needed real help putting on my bra. Now I need more help and she doesn’t seem to like it. Well, neither do I, but it’s your bloody job and if you’re not going to do it right they will send me someone who will.

I’ve been keeping to a fairly steady regimen of meditating/self hypnosis for two hours/day. I mean, if Gwyneth Paltrow can work out with her personal trainer for two hours/day, 6 days/week, I can certainly meditate. I may not have the money for a trainer, but I do have the time and plenty of CDs to de-stress! No excuses, really. I’m also remembering to say affirmations as often as possible. I do have to commit to doing the personal work I need to do in order to heal… I’ve ordered the Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook and an affirmations toolkit (I was ordering the Sex and the City movie, anyway, so the added items gave me free shipping and I consider it a good investment). I have a LOT of work to do on myself, and if I have to commit to it like a full-time job, I will. Just keep me away from daytime TV and I’ll be able to do it.

Lately I’ve been visualizing that Louise Hay is my long lost great Aunt and upon discovering my existence and the trouble I am in with my health, she invites me to come and live with her for 3 months and work one on one with me. Ahhhhhh, I wish!!!

I’ve got more to talk about, like chocolate, but I have to go fit in an hour of self hypnosis before my dad gets here, and then work on this “client impact statement” I have to write to tell the government why they need to give me a motorized wheelchair. Hopefully it is the last “woe is me” related thing I ever write.