Can You Hear Me Now?

Okay, so, Number One: according to some “leaks” surrounding the Bachelor I am waaaay off on my prediction. If the leakers are telling the truth, there is some pretty major stuff happening during the final episodes. Not the finale, but the “After The Rose” show. I hope what I’m hearing isn’t true, because I like happy endings and I honestly thought better of Jason. Especially being a single dad and all. I’m hoping the leaks were planted by ABC to get ratings but they sort of make sense… there’s even videos on You Tube about it. I started watching one but the guy bored the hell out of me and made me feel like if I actually cared enough to watch his videos then I have NO LIFE whatsoever.

Number Two: My laptop keyboard problems may be solved soon when I get a FrogPad. That looks a little confusing to learn, but I think it will be so much easier in the long run. I’ll be able to type even faster than I do on my regular desktop keyboard once I know what I am doing. I certainly can’t be any slower than I am on this laptop with keys I don’t know the meaning of.

Yesterday I opened my Photo Booth and got a black screen. I have no idea why and searching the troubleshooting forums didn’t help me. I can’t figure out anything on this damn machine! I need a Mac user friend to come over and spend some time with me, but he’s kinda busy these days. I need heeeeeelp!!! Today after a million restarts my camera works again. But I’d like to use it for more than just taking funny pictures. Oh, and I wasn’t able to transfer the songs from my PC’s iTunes to this one even though I gave it permission to, so when I synched my iPod I lost a bunch of songs. I thought your iTunes account was your iTunes account, and any music you have purchased would be accessible from YOUR ITUNES ACCOUNT. Now I don’t know what to do because some stuff is on here and some stuff is over there and you can only synch your iPod with one. You can’t just “add” a song to your iPod, you have to erase and re-synch everything. Grrrrr help!!!

My brother came over yesterday and we went to the mall. I was looking for one of those can holders you put in the fridge and every time you take a can out, another one rolls forward. Know what I mean?

Couldn’t find one. I’ve only ever seen them in the Regal catalogue, anyway. Maybe I can find one on eBay. I need it for all my cans of fruit spritzers I drink instead of pop. (Water can get a little boring).

I also went to get some blood tests the other day. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I’d thought it would be. My scooter fit in fine (the lab is in the mall tower), the staff ran a smooth operation (the crowded waiting room had me worried but it moved fast) and the nurse didn’t argue with me when I told her my ONE good vein is in my left hand above my 1st finger. In and out, very little pain. I’m hoping the results will let me know if my sleeping problems are partly caused by hormone imbalances or thyroid issues.

Anyway, my cats are feeling very neglected these days because this thing has taken over my lap. So I best go and put in some snuggling time.

So, I got me a MacBook. It is just lovely. BUT it is going to take awhile to get used to. The keys are really big and far apart, which for a one-handed typist like me is very difficult. I got pretty damn fast at my left-handed typing on my desktop; now my speed has slowed by about 350%. And this no-mouse thing? ARGH!! I know I can get a mouse, but there really isn’t anywhere to use it. This is truly a LAPtop. I’ll get used to it, and get better, but right now, I’m not so interested in writing.

So my girl Jillian went home on the Bachelor last night. That’s pretty much what I figured, and when they were making out all hot n’ heavy in the hot tub, I was thinking “his fiance (Melissa, probably) is watching this right now and is LIVID.” Hehe I think Jill is on Ellen tomorrow. Maybe she will be the next Bachelorette! I’m looking forward to the finale because apparently “what happened here was so emotional, we kept it as intimate as possible…” or whatever it is Chris said last night. This is what I think happened, and if I’m right, then I am officially psychic. I think the intimacy was needed because Jason flew in Melissa’s parents and because they don’t like the public aspect of the show, (which is why Jason never met them on the home visits) they kept it very intimate and Jason proposed with her parents there. That is my story and I’m sticking to it. Until 2 weeks from now if I’m wrong.

I just had a horrible experience tonight. I won’t go into it because it’s gross. I’ll just say this only happens to you if you’re a baby or a very old person living in a home, or you have a disease like MS. My home care worker is going to love me tomorrow.

I have to practice some copy/paste stuff. So I’m going to copy my “25 Things” note from Facebook that everyone is doing,

1. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1996 at the age of 28. It has been… erm… challenging, to say the least.

2. I went to New Zealand in 2001 and it is my most favourite place on earth (I have no other exotic or European places to compare it to, so…) It is my biggest dream to own a home like this one in Russell, Bay of Islands one day and be able to go to Rotorua regularly for mud baths.

3. I can’t remember the last time I was able to sleep for more than 2 hours in a row. I also don’t remember a time before I used sleeping pills to get that 2 hours. (And yes, I have tried or am trying whatever it is you are about to suggest, thanks anyway…) I’m finally going to see a sleep specialist but it’s going to take about a year to get in…

4. I had a rough time in high school, I hated it. I quit Scarlett half way through grade 11, then went to Wise Wood for a month or so before I quit, then went back to finish Grade 11, then I started Grade 12 and quit and moved to Toronto on my own for a few years. So I apologize if I don’t remember you from high school, I mostly remember the people I also went to elementary/junior high with.

5. One of the jobs I loved the most in my life was working on the production of a TV special for YTV in 1988 or 89 (about missing children). Alan Thicke was the host and I had to keep going to get him from his dressing room where he was watching his beloved LA Kings in the playoffs. I told him, “yeah, the Kings may win this round, but then they’ll be up against the Flames, and the Flames will beat them 4 games in a row, and then go on to win the cup…” and that is EXACTLY what happened.

6. I was once the “Answer” to a Q&A in TV Guide magazine. (I can’t remember the question, but I believe the answer was something like “we spoke with the Viewer Relations Coordinator at YTV and she told us…”).

7. The Polyjesters are the best band in the world, in my humble opinion.

8. I have so many friends who are amazing musicians and go out of their way to make sure I get their latest CDs and get to their shows. I’m really blessed that way!

9. I recently had to get rid of one of my home care workers because my cat HATED her. I’d never seen anything like it.

10. I have two cats, Pita and Pepper, and I loooooove them so much it hurts. They will be 3 years old in March.

11. I own every self-help, self-hypnosis, meditation, Louise Hay/Wayne Dyer/Law of Attraction book, CD and DVD around yet I still worry all the time and believe negative thoughts. I don’t know how to STOP and my friggin’ health can’t exactly improve if I don’t.

12. I smoked cigarettes, at least a pack a day, for 10 years and quit cold turkey on January 1, 1996. I haven’t had a single drag since then and I won’t, or I will start again for sure.

13. My favourite “Six degrees of separation”: When I lived in Toronto, I had a buddy named Nick McKinney. Nick’s brother is Mark McKinney from “The Kids in the Hall”. David Foley is a member of The Kids in the Hall. Dave once judged an episode of the improv comedy show “Thank God You’re Here!”. Angela Kinsey appeared on “Thank God You’re Here!” And Angela Kinsey is on THE OFFICE.

14. The Office is my favourite TV show.

15. I have loved Jim Carrey since I was 14 years old and he was about 19 or 20, through the good and the bad and even the very, very bad. I’ve never met him but somewhere around here I have a “Spank you very much” autographed photo.

16. I own stacks of books and CDs I’ve never even read or listened to and I will keep adding to it.

17. it doesn’t matter how many people are around, I am the one everyone asks for the time and “is this the train to…?”

18. I delete 99% of the email forwards sent to me without even looking at them. I used to look at them all in the early days of having an email address, 10+ years ago, but I still get a lot of the same ones. I can’t keep up and life is too short. So if I’m on your list and you don’t “get this back”, it does NOT mean you are no longer my friend or that I don’t care. I just… seriously… too many.

19. My biggest pet peeve is the sound of someone chewing. It grosses me out beyond belief. I have to mute TV commercials where people are chewing (Cheerios comes to mind) and GOOD LORD MAKE THE PEDIGREE DOG FOOD COMMERCIALS STOP. (I cant even find the ones I mean on You Tube so if you’re outside Alberta you may not know what I’m talking about). If I’m eating with you, it’s okay, because I hear my own chewing in my ears. But if you are chewing in front of me, I’m squirming inside and secretly want to stick a knife in your ear. LOVE YOU THOUGH!

20. I’m trying to figure out a way to make money that somehow involves my natural talents but doesn’t involve leaving my home or any physical activity that I can’t do. I once had a very small time business writing personalized poetry (by that I mean, I had a website and sold a few). I can’t sit here for long periods of time and my vision is wonky so accounting is getting harder. I just don’t know… AISH can’t support me and I’d really like to live outside the limits of the government’s fixed income.

21. These days, my days revolve around Home Care, self care, medical appointments, and just trying to make it through another day without needing an ambulance. I appreciate my friends and family getting me out and about more than I can say.

22. When my speech starts to slur I get freaked out because one of my natural talents is talking, and there is always the hope that one day my health will improve and I will be a public speaker who inspires others with her story. Or I’ll make a living talking, one way or another. If I lose the ability to speak I’m screwed.

23. I think I have about the best sense of humour around. I’m not saying I’m funny (although I think I can be), but I know what IS funny, that’s for damn sure. (Leave Jim Carrey out of this, okay?)

24. I think my worst habit is gossiping, or talking about other people. I mean no harm, I just “discuss”, but I wish I didn’t. I don’t, however, tell SECRETS and am very careful when you have said “don’t tell anyone, but…” I like to think I can be trusted. I’ve just got a LOT of opinions and am trying to get better at “live and let live, it’s their life” in my old age.

25. I wear Crocs. Deal with it.

You guys already know a lot of that stuff. Anyway, some of my comments touched on the idea that I should be a writer. In fact, two girls I went to Junior High school with thought I would be well on my way with that by now. I’ve always thought about it, so to be honest, that is what prompted me to get this laptop and get to work on a book or two. I have a couple ideas…

I don’t have any cat pics to upload on here yet. But I DID have a bit of fun earlier with Photo Booth. I was having a bad hair day anyway.

Oh my God, it’s been a month!! I didn’t realize it had been that long. Most days just seem to meld into the next, especially when you CAN’T GET A DECENT NIGHT’S SLEEP.

So, let’s see… first things first. The Bachelor.

When I wrote my last entry, only the first show had aired. Now he’s down to the final three! My girl Jillian is still there. Except for the fact that every other word out of her mouth is “like”, which is, like, really annoying, I like her. I don’t think she will be the “one”, but who knows. So far I have been right on the money when guessing who will go home each week, but now I’m stuck. All three of these ladies are just lovely. I have no clue who he will choose. DeAnna should be back next week, maybe it will be her? And they’re going to New Zealand, so you must watch, because that is the most beautiful place on earth. Apparently, this season ends with a HUGE bomb drop, unlike “anything we’ve seen before in Bachelor history”. Maybe that means when he is talking to the final woman and we think he’s going to propose, he tells her “I really did meet the person I want to spend the rest of my life with during this process…” then turns to the cameraman and proposes.

This past month has been busy but because I take so long between entries I just can’t write about everything. Hopefully that will change soon, because I’m getting myself a LAPTOP, and will be able to update my blog from the comfort of my chair in the living room. Sitting at this desk kills me and it takes me hours and days of coming back and forth to write an entry. Soon I will be able to do everything in comfort, and only need to be at my desk to work. Because I still need my desk area to work at. Damn receipts.

On the sleep front, I’m still trying new things. I was at the MS Clinic last week and told my neurologist about my sleep problems; he prescribed a medication that should help the stiffness and spasms in my legs in case it’s restless leg syndrome waking me up. This is a different medication than the one my regular doctor prescribed for the same thing because it is also supposed to help me sleep and should only be taken at night. The stiffness in my legs is absolutely crippling, none of these meds seem to work. I do stretches as well, but it’s just another one of those symptoms we live with. Anyway, so far my new meds combined with a sleeping pill or two are helping me get through the night. I’m using my Litebook during the day and eye masks at night. The regular use of my Chi machine along with a couple visits to my chiropractor has helped the hip pain, so that is no longer an issue when lying in bed. My doctor is referring me to a sleep specialist but says it will be about a year before I can get in. I hope the Litebook helps; they say it takes about a month to feel a difference. I have to admit the past few nights I have been sleeping better, which I’m sure is a combination of everything. I really want to get off the sleeping pills, though!

I went looking for the sleep eye masks the other day. I went to a couple pharmacies that were sold out, then tried San Francisco gifts, and they only had ones with boobs. The Body Shop only had the kind you wear over your eyes to relax in the tub. The woman there suggested I try Ardene’s, which is pretty much heaven for a 12 year old girl. I said “oh, sure, I’ll get a mask with glitter and feathers…” and sure enough, they had a huge bin of them, 5 for $10. Of course I had to get a pink one with feathers that says “Princess”. The other four are about the tamest they had, with words like “Superstar!” and bright colours and glitter. They’ll do.

The weekend of January 30/31 was unlike anything I have experienced for quite some time. On Friday, Jeremy Fisher (and again, you can’t deny that is an AWESOME song when you click that link!!) was here! And on Saturday, The Polyjesters played at the Ironwood! I am THRILLED I finally got out to see some awesome live music again; I just wish they had been spaced out a week apart because two nights in a row was too much for me and I couldn’t make it to the end on Saturday

My friend Kelsey picked me up on Friday and after a yummy dinner at the Olive Garden, we went to the venue to see Jeremy. It was a sold out show, and the venue was The Gateway at SAIT, which is pretty big. Jeremy is moving on up! After his amazing show he wandered out to talk to some fans… I rolled on up to him and when he turned to me he said “hi, Donna, how are you?”and leaned in to hug me. To which my response was something cool and casual while inside I was freaking out that he’d actually remembered me. We are Facebook friends, after all. Hehe. Yeah, he wrote on my wall a couple days later and I flipped out because he doesn’t write on walls, he just accepts friend requests and updates his status. ANYWAY, I finally got all my CDs autographed. Kelsey, the sweetie that she is, actually bought me Back Porch Spirituals that night because I didn’t have it yet. Kelsey is awesome. It was the first time I had spent any time with her outside of something Polyjester related. It was well after midnight by the time I got home.

Because I get Home Care in the mornings I’m not always able to stay in bed for as long as I want/need. And I tried to nap during the day, but no luck. So I pretty much knew I wouldn’t last the night on Saturday. My friend Kim and her husband, daughter and a friend came to get me and take me over to the Ironwood. They helped me settle in at the big section the PolyFamily had reserved for close friends I was able to hang out there with Sheldon and Jason a bit, but the room packed up pretty fast and since they knew most of the people there, they were busy mingling. When PolyDad Barry arrived he tripped over my wheelchair wheel and went FLYING SMASH BANG BOOM to the floor. I was scared shitless (because in my life, falls are a pretty big deal) but he got up with no struggle and apologized to ME for being such a klutz and Jason yelled “get that drunk guy outta here!” from across the room. Oh, to be a healthy and vibrant 60+ year old man!

Anyway, it was so good to see everyone I hadn’t seen in so long (Sander even flew in from Ottawa for the show!) and I’m definitely having dinner at the Ironwood again soon. Their new menu is even better than their last one and the food was amazing. My friend Shawna arrived during their second set, and since she had a headache and I was dead tired, her and Kim helped me out of there just as the set was ending and Shawna took me home. So I missed the encore(s) and being able to hug and say good night to everyone, but I know they understand.

You can see photos from that weekend on my Facebook page if you’re my Friend, or the public album is right here. Also, check out the boys stepping outside their “zone” and doing a little Metallica:

On Monday my friend Pam came over and we went to the mall for some lunch and shopping. I decided to buy the supplies I need to grow a bunch of cat grass… Pepper loves the stuff, and the Chia grass I got for Christmas is dead and gone. So I bought some seeds and a couple small pots and a big bag of soil. Then we passed San Francisco gifts where they had a display of battery operated puppies barking away… and I caved. It would have been like walking past suffering puppies in a puppy mill and not taking one home. Only not. Ah, it was 8 bucks, gimme a break. He doesn’t bark though… he plays music and says “hello? Hello? Hellooo?” and my cats are scared of him. Pam had taken a Reiki course the day before, so she practiced on me later and gave me a really good treatment. I have trouble ‘receiving’ those treatments though - as proven during the many Quantum Release Therapy sessions I had a couple years ago and my mom also giving me Reiki - because I have a lot of blockages. A LOT. I don’t know when the break through will happen, but I hope it is soon.

Anyway, aside from all that, my life has been its now-normal quiet self. I should have my laptop (Macbook!! When I’m going to add to my credit card debt, I do it right!) very soon and then I hope to write witty observations on a very regular basis. In fact, I plan to write a book because somehow I have to buy a house in Russell, Bay of Islands, New Zealand and hire my own caregivers and stuff. I have no clue what it will be about, but I need to do it and make a shitload of cash like a certain stay-at-home mom who woke up from a dream and wrote Twilight.

“I would like to audition for the next ‘Twilight’ movie, please”

So I promised and update, but didn’t commit to any particular time frame, because that’s just how I roll.

As mentioned, I saw that psychic Pat again a couple weeks ago. I don’t really like calling her a “Psychic”, I think “Intuitive” suits her better. She is an amazingly intuitive person. Here’s a few notes about our visit:

I’m in really bad shape compared to the last time I saw her. She obviously noticed this and wondered what the hell was going on with me. I spent the first part of the session in tears.

These are Pat’s words, mine are in brackets.

• “You were doing better six months ago. I saw you when you were seeing Kevin (for Quantum Release Therapy) and you were doing better. What happened? Did you have an emotional setback? I know you’re angry.” (::sob::) (My dad came back into my life about 6 months ago, that’s the only thing I can think of that changed in my life).
• “Things are starting to turn around for you now. You have to want to live” (::sob:: I don’t want to right now ::sob::)
• “You think if you killed yourself no one would care except your two cats. Do you have two cats?” (::sob:: YES ::sob::) “LOTS of people would care if you died” (I do know this, but it’s seriously been my cats that have stopped me from doing it in my absolute most darkest moments because I don’t know who could possibly love them more than I do. I didn’t say that out loud because I was crying too hard, but that’s what I think).
• “I want you to do affirmations. I want you to say ‘I deserve to be loved’ because you don’t think you do. Say it a hundred times a day. Start manifesting your ’soul mate’. I know you don’t think you’ll ever meet anyone, but he is out there, and I want you to start manifesting him. You will meet him when you’ve healed all this stuff. He IS out there.”
• “You’ve stopped going out because it is so hard for you. You’re even pissed off about being here today because it was so much trouble to get here.” (::sob:: Nodding ::sob::).
• “You are not going to get worse than you are now. This is going ‘through’ you now. You are pushing through all the ‘crap’ and it’s surfacing now. MS has been in your body since you were 14 and now it’s rising to the surface. The Quantum Release Therapy helped you, but you don’t need more. Kevin is done. He helped you get half way there. The rest is up to you.”
• “You need to release all your anger and forgive. You are SO pissed off. You have to tell people/write letters to your dad and people that have hurt you. YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE AND LET GO.”
• “What happened at age 9? I sense you’ve been unhappy since age 9″ (That’s when our family was uprooted to Calgary, and I won’t get into details here of the problems that started occurring in my family from that age, but Pat sensed it right).
• “Kids had been cruel to you as a child, too” (I mentioned being picked on because of my weight) “Let it go. You think ‘no one will want me’. Blockages from the past are getting in the way. It’s hard for you to trust; you went through hard times.”
• “God gave you a big challenge but you will get through. You will be getting stronger. Exercise and emotional work will help. I see things a lot better by February.”

It’s really hard to get into all the details of what was said. Basically, she wants me to keep reading the books/watching the DVDs/listening to the CDs I have been and stay in a “healing mindset”. She wants me to actually sit down with my dad and list off all the things that have pissed me off so much over the years. Personally, I don’t see how that would help, it would only serve to hurt and upset my dad for my own selfish needs. Louise Hay (and my client/friend Coach K has been telling me this for years) suggests writing letters, getting it all out, and then burning them and letting it go. Forgiveness is for me and I don’t need to involve the other people.

Apparently, and obviously, I am a super-sensitive person who hangs on to everything and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to let stuff go, like most people do. It must be subconscious, because I think I’ve let stuff go, consciously I know the past is the past and needs to be left there, but then it comes out in other ways that tell me, oh, obviously I did not let that go. Pat made a comment that I hold onto everything that has ever happened to me, as well as everyone else I know, and the world - 9/11, the state of the U.S. economy, all of it. It makes me laugh, but it’s so true. I subconsciously worry about everyone and everything and it eats away at me, and that’s why my body is sick.

Anyway, since that visit with Pat, (wherein I also showed her photos of some friends, and she said some very accurate things about them; and then asked me why so many people in my life are in music, and that I should be singing and writing music. She mentioned music therapy again, which she suggested I look into last time I saw her), I have continued with my daily therapy of lots of affirmations, thinking more positive thoughts, using my Chi Machine and stretching, meditation… it’s starting to work. I actually have days go by where I don’t cry at all!

Anyway.

I’ve been meaning to talk about that healthy chocolate I’ve been eating. I bought a one week supply from a lady that sells it, and noticed in that one week that my puffy right foot went down to normal size, and that I was sleeping better without pills. So I went ahead and bought some. Then I researched more about it, and watched a ton of videos on You Tube, and decided to sign myself up as a distributor so I could get the discount for myself, and maybe even earn a few $$ because if it helped me, I’d tell everyone about it! So I started eating it regularly, and over a 2 to 3 week period I noticed all kinds of little improvements… my bladder worked better, my vision was improving, my skin looked amazing, regular bowel movements, etc. etc. Then I woke up one day with a bad cold and terrible numbness/tingling down my left side. I assumed the cold was a detox symptom, because I haven’t had a cold in ages, and any time I have started taking a healthy supplement like that I get sick for awhile - the Herx reaction, as they call it (that video refers to Lyme Disease, but I think it bodes well for MS and other disorders as well). But the numbness and tingling scared me, I thought it might be a reaction to the sugar in the chocolate (”raw cane juice crystals” is still sugar). The last time I had experienced that numbness and tingling there was when I overdosed on Krispy Kreme doughnuts when a friend bought me a box for my birthday years ago (KK has since closed in Calgary, thank goodness). That was a reaction to the sugar, so I thought this was as well. So I stopped it.

A week went by, during which I did not sleep or poop. (Oh, should I have warned in advance about poop talk? Sorry). The numbness and the cold both went away. I looked a little more into the sugar content of the chocolate, and I was only getting between 7 to 9 grams/day from it. One KK doughnut has at least 11g and during my “OD” period I ate several in one day. A can of pop has about 40g of sugar, and it’s not like I’ve never drank one. And watching that Herx reaction video, and re-reading Pat’s words, reminds me that you do, indeed, often need to get worse before you get better.

So I re-activated my Xocai account and am back on it. After only 3 days I am sleeping again without the aid of sleeping pills, and poops are back on schedule. ‘Whew. I’m going to stay on it now and ride out whatever weird symptoms might pop up. I love this chocolate, because it is CHOCOLATE, and I need 3/day. I may forget to take all my vitamins and other supplements, but I never forget to eat my chocolate. Funny how that works. Take a look for yourself if you’re interested, there is a lot of good research out there about this stuff. It’s pricey, but worth it for me, so far.

In other news:

• My Home Care is now split between two ladies, Janice and Anna. They are wonderful. And they both speak English! I’m so thrilled to have daily help I can actually communicate with.
• I love my Chi Machine. I’m now up to 20 minutes/day. I think it’s going to help me a lot!
• To get me out of the house, my entire family took me to the Olive Garden for lunch last week. Mom, Dad, Stepdad, and brother. All at the same table!
• Thanksgiving dinner was actually Saturday, my mom and Bob came over and brought the food. They left me the rest of the pumpkin pie
• You absolutely must go to this website, where you can create a yearbook photo of yourself from any year. Here is my 1978 result:

• Rob Szabo is back on November 7!

The other day, Pepper was sitting on the desk beside me, and Pita jumped up and started licking her head. It was sooooo cute, I had to grab my camera. I just can’t get enough of the kitties grooming each other… it is so sweet, and so relaxing to watch! So I felt the need to put it to some relaxing music by the Polyjesters.

I love Jim Carrey. You may already know that about me. What you may not know, is how far back and deep my love for Jim Carrey goes. It started 26 years ago, at the ripe old age of 14. I’m not even sure where I saw him. Some TV show on CBC, I think. He was cute and funny and I started crushing on him. Then, devastation: I open People magazine and flip to a gossip page where I see a photo of Jim with Linda Ronstadt captioned: “Linda Ronstadt and her boy toy, Canadian comic James Carrey”. He would have been about 19 or 20 at the time. I remember pulling out my mom’s Linda Ronstadt record and playing it, holding the album cover in my hands, staring at her picture and crying. She was sooooo lucky, she had my man!! I couldn’t wait to see movies like Once Bitten and Peggy Sue Got Married. Anything My Jim was in, I’d watch! I was thrilled for him when he got In Living Color. Finally he would receive the fame and recognition he so greatly deserved.

I always knew My Jim was super talented. He was not only hilarious, but he could act, baby! I knew he’d make it as a comedic actor as well as a dramatic one. I have stood firmly in my belief in that man over the years, even through the bad movies, my faith in him prevailed. Although I may have been a little quieter about my love for him during the really bad movies and that marriage blip; that was a difficult time in our relationship. But I knew, deep down, that he would always come out a winner in the end, My Jim. I know a good thing when I see it.

Yesterday, My Jim appeared on Oprah, with his love Jenny McCarthy. (Who, by the way, I LOVE, and was so happy when they got together). The show was about Mother Warriors and was very inspiring. Jim was not there to promote a movie or be silly, so we got to see a deeper side of him (one I always knew he had because I have loved him for 26 years).

Jim said the most amazing thing, when they were talking about women with challenges (whether it be themselves or their children) and how these women (like myself) often think they will be alone forever because no one would want them with all the troubles they come with. This is what came out of the mouth of My Jim:

Jim says women should keep in mind what they do want—not what they don’t want—from a partner. “If you go around saying, ‘It’s impossible. No one will ever love me. A good man is hard to find,’ then you’re saying to the universe that you don’t believe in abundance,” he says. “This universe that created the stars, galaxies, Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon and the duck-billed platypus is quite capable of finding someone for you that has the capacity to love you, no matter what your situation is, and think of it as a blessing.”

POW. I love you, Jim Carrey. Even more now, than 26 years ago, if that’s possible. Thank you.

Things are moving along in the Home Care department. Today was my first visit with my new lady. It looks like I may actually end up with 2 or 3, because Janice can’t do Wednesday or Thursday mornings, and she doesn’t work weekends. I’ve got a woman named Anna for Saturdays; I’ve met her a couple times before when Harpal was sick and she is a sweetheart. Janice will be coming Monday, Tuesday and Friday mornings for personal care, Monday and Thursday afternoons for range of motion exercises, and every second Thursday for housekeeping. Hopefully a good routine will be put in place soon, maybe Anna can even do the Wednesdays and Thursdays. Janice is a great lady, I think we’ll get along just fine. And no language barrier! We actually chatted for a long time this afternoon after my exercises, to the point that my speech started to slur!

I’m really liking my Chi Machine. I’m up to 10 minutes/day, and I can tell it’s going to get better and better over the weeks as I work up to 20 minutes. I really feel like I’ve worked out afterwards, yet it’s relaxing at the same time. I feel good after I use it, too, which is what you’re supposed to feel like after exercise, right? Energized, and all that? What I find interesting, is that when I asked the Occupational Therapist who’s been over a lot lately if he’s ever heard of a Chi Machine, he said “no” and played dumb. The next time he was over he noticed I actually have one, and it’s set up on the table, so he then told me “many of my clients have those, and they love them. But because they are not an ‘approved’ form of exercise or therapy, we are not allowed to recommend/discuss them or help clients use them”. It’s really a shame, because I think they would make a huge difference for people who are paralyzed. Paraplegics have physiotherapists to move their limbs and exercise their legs. This machine would help so much, just lay their ankles in it and turn it on and let the machine do the work to keep the circulation going throughout the body and strengthen leg muscles. What a shame that the medical profession won’t even consider the many uses it could have.

Oh, speaking of my OT, he was here on Monday with a motorized wheelchair for me to try out. I wasn’t allowed to keep it here because there isn’t really room in here, plus I can’t open my building doors by myself. With one hand on the controls and the other un-useable, I don’t have any way to open the doors and of course, they’re not automatic. I can do it on my scooter because I’m positioned differently and can use my left leg. So, no motorized wheelchair for me unless I move into a 100% wheelchair accessible location. Which is sort of on the agenda, but between you and me, I don’t wanna. I want to get stronger and get back to the strength and mobility I had at least before I broke my wrist in June/06. If I move, and get a motorized wheelchair, I’m just setting myself up for worsening health and mobility, as far as I’m concerned. Law of attraction, and all that. I need to think healing, positive thoughts and ignore the alternative. “One’s perception of their own health is more important than their actual health”. Perception becomes reality. And I perceive that I am getting better, not worse. Right? Right.

SEASON PREMIERE OF THE OFFICE TONIGHT OMG.

It’s a bloody miracle:

After two months and 3 days of waiting patiently (HA!), I finally got my exercise mat platform on Thursday. My dad and brother came over in the evening and set it up. So, welcome to my new dining room! Everything fit perfectly, the cat food table and garbage just fit to the left and my recycling basket fits at the foot of the table beside the hutch (behind my big chair). My chair still goes all the way back in reclining position without hitting anything. Purrrrrfect.

On top of it is my Chi Machine, which I have been using for a few minutes/day. You have to work up to 20 minutes/day slowly, and I can see why. It’s a little harder than it looks, especially when you’re as out of shape as I am. Plus, like everything else on this planet, it’s made for skinny people who can easily fit their ankles in the end and lay back straight without any discomfort (i.e. perhaps your legs are not sticks and your thighs need a little more room so they’re not squished up against each other). But fat people don’t really exist, do they? Except in the “before” pictures on diet ads. So we don’t need to worry about bodies that come in different shapes and sizes, oh no no no.

Anyway, I’m just going to keep using it every day and hope for the best! I know it’s doing something and I can feel the “whoosh” of my chi flowing when I turn it off. I need to lie there, and then sit there, for a few minutes before I can get up again because I do feel like I’ve worked out and need to re-group. Unfortunately, I find it really hard to stretch on that table or do anything myself because I am so out of shape and can’t move my right limbs on my own. I do have another home care worker who will be doing range of motion exercises with me twice/week, starting soon I hope. Actually, I’m getting a new home care worker altogether because I hit my breaking point with Harpal yesterday. My needs and the way I need to do things have changed over the past 6 months, and she’s not changing with me. The supervisor has been here twice to go over things with her, but she still can’t/won’t do it the way she’s been told. She doesn’t understand English or basic, simple instructions and we’re always arguing. Simple things the supervisor went over with her she argues aren’t her job and won’t do them or wants to do them her way, which doesn’t work for me. I had a long talk with her supervisor yesterday and we’ve given up on trying to teach Harpal and someone new should be here this week. It’s too bad, because she was great in the beginning, when my needs were very simple and she barely had to help me. I pretty much only needed real help putting on my bra. Now I need more help and she doesn’t seem to like it. Well, neither do I, but it’s your bloody job and if you’re not going to do it right they will send me someone who will.

I’ve been keeping to a fairly steady regimen of meditating/self hypnosis for two hours/day. I mean, if Gwyneth Paltrow can work out with her personal trainer for two hours/day, 6 days/week, I can certainly meditate. I may not have the money for a trainer, but I do have the time and plenty of CDs to de-stress! No excuses, really. I’m also remembering to say affirmations as often as possible. I do have to commit to doing the personal work I need to do in order to heal… I’ve ordered the Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook and an affirmations toolkit (I was ordering the Sex and the City movie, anyway, so the added items gave me free shipping and I consider it a good investment). I have a LOT of work to do on myself, and if I have to commit to it like a full-time job, I will. Just keep me away from daytime TV and I’ll be able to do it.

Lately I’ve been visualizing that Louise Hay is my long lost great Aunt and upon discovering my existence and the trouble I am in with my health, she invites me to come and live with her for 3 months and work one on one with me. Ahhhhhh, I wish!!!

I’ve got more to talk about, like chocolate, but I have to go fit in an hour of self hypnosis before my dad gets here, and then work on this “client impact statement” I have to write to tell the government why they need to give me a motorized wheelchair. Hopefully it is the last “woe is me” related thing I ever write.

You must, must, must see August Rush.

It’s been an emotional few days. First, my friends Lisa and Russ got engaged. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later, it was just a matter of making it official with the ring and stuff! So that was done on Thursday. Then, the worst thing that could ever happen, Lisa’s dad died suddenly on Friday. He had a heart attack while fishing alone out at his cabin. I like to think he made sure his daughter was going to be safe and happy in her life by getting engaged to a great guy, and then he went off to his favourite place to go fishing, and died peacefully and quickly doing what he loved, knowing his kids were going to be fine (Lisa’s brother is getting married in a few weeks). I just can’t believe it happened, so close to Father’s Day, and he was only 62. I LOVED Lisa’s dad. I talked about him in this entry a few years ago, the first time I spent Christmas Eve with Lisa’s family. I’m heartbroken, and can’t even begin to imagine what Lisa, her mom, and her family are going through. It looks like, after the first funeral I ever attended was for Lisa’s uncle, that my second will be her father’s. It’s so very sad.

Saturday morning is when I learned of Sam’s death, as it happened late the night before. The news came in an email from Lisa, which I read just as my Home Care worker walked in the door. So I burst into tears as she was asking me how I was, and me and crying are kinda ugly. I’m one of those criers who can’t talk or breathe when I’m crying. So it’s rather useless to try to get anything out of me. Poor Harpal, she had no idea what was going on. I managed to calm down while in the shower and was able to tell her what had happened when I got out, but that just made me start blubbering even harder all over again. You know how it is… anyway, I managed to pull myself together by the time my mom and Bob arrived to take me to the chiropractor, but there was no point in putting on make-up, lemme tell ya. I even remembered to bring my chiropractor the sonic mole repellers I got for him off eBay. He’s been wanting some for awhile and wasn’t able to find them/order any himself from anywhere. So in comes me, eBay expert extraordinaire! He was very pleased.

My mom stayed over on Saturday, and you would not recognize my office!! She re-organized everything. Well, I helped a little, but she totally outdid herself. My air conditioner (did I mention I got an A/C for my birthday? Wheee!) was being installed on Sunday, so I needed some help with my filing and getting stuff out of the way to make room for moving the filing cabinet to the other wall and re-arranging things a bit. My mom has a tendency to overdo it and would not stop until she was happy. Gee, I wonder where I get it from? Anyway, she worked her arse off until I made her sit down and watch a movie with me. August Rush. We cried and cried and cried, so the second it ended I sobbed “okay, now you have to watch PS I Love You!” (The whole cute Irish musician theme was going on with me… I WANT ONE). I really love Video on Demand, especially since I received my last bill and none of the movies I had rented in May were on it. So on Sunday, we watched Dan in Real Life, because I love Steve Carell and it was time for another dose of him. I cannot WAIT for Get Smart.

I had a dream about Steve Carell last night. I drempt that he was just like his character on The Office in real life, and I was the only one who truly understood him and loved him (SO not true, I would smack Michael Scott quite hard at times if I knew him, but in my dream he was the love of my life) and it broke my heart to watch him try so hard with other women who just didnt get him and dumped him harshly. I was his best friend who was always there to pick up the pieces, and he had no idea how I felt, and I just couldn’t tell him. I was so angry at these women who treated him like shit and didn’t realize what they had, and wished so hard he would just SEE ME. I do believe I have played that scenario out in real life on a couple occasions with male friends in my past. It never ended happily; no Vanessa Williams song here. Oh, and I was doing some sort of treasure hunt thing with all the cast of The Office on my team, Jim being the leader, Michael being at home crying over his last girlfriend, and me running over there whenever I had a break from the treasure hunt to tell him it would all be okay.

Aaaanyway, my A/C was hooked up on Sunday thanks to handyman Ian, a friend of my mom and Bob’s. He brought his puppy Rosie over, and while Pepper ran and hid in my bedroom, Pita stayed in the living room by the coffee table and just stared. Rosie ran around my apartment sniffing everything and chewing cat toys, and then she spotted Pita. She wanted to play, she meant no harm, she wandered over in Pita’s direction. Pita hissed and hissed at Rosie and eventually Rosie went away. But then she came back, and when she got too close, Pita hissed and SMACKED Rosie across the face, claws first. Rosie whimpered as only a puppy can, and ran away. Poor little Rosie. Mean little Pita. She does NOT like dogs, and I don’t know why, because she’s been an indoor cat since the day she was born, so it’s not like she’s ever had a bad run in with one. Two other dogs have been around her in the past, all perfectly sweet and harmless (and very small), but Pita would have none of it and Pepper always hid. I guess we know who’s boss around here.

Today, I got up and sat in my clean and organized office and turned on the A/C just because I could. Actually, it’s warming up this week, so it was good timing getting it installed yesterday. Not that it’s HOT out, but the sun beats in here pretty strongly and heats up my apartment… I tend to need a fan on me when it wouldn’t be necessary if my windows faced another direction. But today was a gorgeous day!! My friend Joelle picked me up and we went to My Favourite Vietnamese restaurant (next time we'’ll go to hers) and chowed down. Then we went to her place, stopping for a Slurpee on the way. I haven’t had a Slurpee in YEARS! We sat in her yard for hours and I talked so much my speech was slurring really badly. It actually started slurring in the restaurant, which is how I know I’ve talked too much. Also the fact that Joelle was way ahead of me in the eating department. So I told her she needed to do the talking at her place, to give my mouth a rest so I could talk normally again. That didn’t last long, though. I was talking really funny, but Joelle said she could understand me. Tonight, I will NOT be making any phone calls. That’s one of those MS symptoms that only pops up once in a blue moon, but when it does, I need to take a night off from talking. Oh, the horror!

So, it’s pretty obvious I’m back to weaning off my anti-depressants some more. How can you tell? Well, aside from the various mood swings I’m having and being easily prone to anger and bitchiness, last night I watched “Enchanted“. And I CRIED and CRIED. Many, many times throughout the movie, for reasons ranging from joy and happiness and fluffiness to self pity and “I don’t even know why”. ENCHANTED! Gimme a F-ing break. (I think this means I enjoyed the movie a LOT more than I want to admit).

For the record, I’m almost down to 5mg/day from the 40mg/day I was taking. I can’t wait until this is over, I really hate this whole weaning thing. It’s hard!!

Oh, and Friday night I watched 27 Dresses and developed a bit of a crush on James Marsden, so ask me how thrilled I was to see him as the Prince in Enchanted? Hee.

And speaking of being easily angered, I had an experience last Saturday that just SET.ME.OFF. (Warning: F-bombs a-plenty coming up). I was on my scooter in Wal-Mart, minding my own business when this (40-ish year old) woman walked past me. I heard her mumble under her breath something about my weight and “get up and walk”. At first I ignored it, but then, no, I couldn’t just let it go, and turned my scooter around to go find her. She was looking at clothes. I rode up to her and asked “WHAT did you say to me??” She looked shocked that I’d come after her, but then she said “get up and walk, you might lose some of that weight” and turned to take off. OHHHHHH MY MOTHER OF GOD. I was seething. I sharply turned my scooter around with the intent to chase her down and, oh, I dunno, run her over/break her neck/cut her in half/give her a piece of my FUCKING mind (I’m not sure what I was going to do, I just knew I wasn’t about to let her get away with that shit) when my front wheel hit the base of a clothing rack and my scooter toppled right over on me. Owieeee! I was on the floor with my scooter on top of me. Luckily, about 5 people ran over to help, including a couple very strong men who got me up off the floor without any trouble. Surprisingly, I wasn’t crying. I thanked everyone and assured them I was fine and carried on with my shopping. It wasn’t until I was on my way home and stopped at Second Cup to get a latte that I started blubbering like a fool. Poor barista, she had no clue what had just happened. I made it home, parked my scooter, fell into my chair all bruised and broken-spirited and bawled and bawled.

I was SO ANGRY. So mad at that fucking woman and her stupid ignorance and need to speak her judgments of me out loud. I COULD NOT BELIEVE someone could be that cruel and ignorant. I mean, even if my weight was the reason I was on a scooter, that does not excuse what she said. She has no fucking clue about me or my medical history or anything, she had NO RIGHT and I trust Ms. Karma kicked her in the ass later that same day. I hope she found out her boyfriend is sleeping around on her and gave her AIDS. I honestly do. I don’t care if she dropped dead 5 minutes later, in fact, I wish it on her to this day. I know it’s a waste of my own energy to still be angry at her, but even as I write this the tears well up and I am just seething with anger. Fucking bitch.

Anyway, this (second) scooter toppling accident has led me to look into getting a 4 wheeler that is more stable!! I have an OT coming by on Tuesday to assess me and my scooter and if my apartment can handle a 4 wheeler getting in and out. My neighbour (the guy who also has MS) has one, so I don’t think it should be a problem in here. He said he wants to “see me drive it around”. I’m not normally setting off to chase down stupid bitches, so he won’t witness reckless driving, but even on my best days I don’t feel completely safe on that thing. I always feel like it could topple over at any time and I’m VERY careful over bumps and cracks on the sidewalks.

I’m reading a really good book right now, Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston. I never did finish A New Earth, I barely started it to be honest. I’ll get around to it one day. But Quantum Wellness excited me when I saw the author on Oprah, and then on Ellen. She is SO freaking beautiful, she just radiates light and health and wellness and positive energy. She makes you want what she has!! I won’t be going Vegan anytime soon, but her discussions about “conscious eating” really hit me. It may be, as my friend Jason called me, “airy fairy”, but I AM airy fairy about stuff like this. I totally believe everything is energy and we take in energy, put out energy, and attract to ourselves that which is in line with our own energy. You know that about me if you’ve read any of this blog! Anyway, when it comes to food, we also take in THAT energy. The energy of the food… where it came from, how it got to our plate, how the animal was cared for and killed, the energy of the person packaging up the food, the energy of the corporatrion behind creating the food… etc. etc. It was like… a lightbulb moment for me!! I had never thought about it that way before. That when I eat crappy processed/fast food, I am not only ingesting crap which will make my body feel/look like crap, I am ingesting the negative energy associated with that food. Airy-fairy as it may be, I believe it!! If you’ve watched Super Size Me or Fast Food Nation you know how those fast food corporations and their money-hungry executives care more about their bottom line than they do our health (or our bottoms). And all those big processed food companies; from the evil suits at the top of the corporate ladder to the underpaid, stressed out person working the assembly line, we take in alllll that energy. So, for the past couple weeks I’ve been back to ordering groceries from SPUD (a GREAT little company with great people and good energy!) and switching to organic food when possible. It’s not like I will never eat fast food again, but I have certainly become more conscious of it in a very different way than I had before. Thinking of it in a physical health way was never enough to scare me away from it, as much as it should have been, but switch my thinking to how it affects my spiritual health, and you got me! I still need the convenience, though, so my freezer is full of Amy’s Organics (family business!) and my new favourite sweet snack is lemon yogurt with fresh bluberries and organic muesli

I’ve even switched to organic coffee from Cochrane Coffee Traders. (They’re so small they don’t even have a website. But they are a very socially and environmentally conscious company).

Catching some rays

Can’t…handle…the…cute!!

CAN’T HANDLE IT!!!

Cats in Sinks better not reject this face.