Can You Hear Me Now?

“All is well. everything that’s happening supports my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.”
~ Louise Hay

I need to say that affirmation many times/day. I’ve been putting off updating because I can’t talk or think about the meeting we had on Thursday without crying. I thought I’d have more time to keep my apartment and my cats until I figured out where I’m going to live/how much I can improve between now and then. Unfortunately, things don’t work that way. As soon as you’re put on a waiting list for assisted living or a group home, you start paying for it. I guess they want you ready to move in the DAY a spot becomes available, even if that ends up being a year from now. So if I have to start paying for that housing right away, I can’t also pay rent on my apartment. So this week I have to give notice to my building and I have until the end of February to pack up my stuff, get rid of a lot of it, put some in storage until I know where I’m going. And my cats? Here I go, crying again…
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I can’t take them into a group home. Which is probably the best place for me. And if I decide to go the assisted living route, I could eventually end up in a place that accepts pets, but I’ve been told you can only bring ONE animal. And if I was even able to chose one, I would be keeping her in my room only, because I’d only get a room, and that is a) not fair to the kitty, and b) not good for me to live in the same room as cat litter. Going back into my own place with self-managed care won’t work for me, for many reasons it would take too long to list here. So, I’m a bit of a mess these days, if you can even imagine. And I know my cat-loving readers can.

I wrote the above several days ago. I’ve been crying too hard when I think about it too much, so I’ve been avoiding this. I’m doing a bit better now, because I decided that even if I have to start paying the group home/assisted living rate March 1, I’m still going to keep my apartment for March. I can pay both for a month and my parents will help. That gives me a bit more time to IMPROVE and make arrangements. Plus I have some amazing friends helping me find foster parents for my kitties. The plan is that I will get them back, and this calmness has come over me recently in knowing that will happen. I’m sure of it. But I’m going home for a few hours on Saturday, and I’m pretty sure once I see the kitties I will be a crying mess again. I have to BE STRONG!! I know this is temporary. I will figure something out so that I can live in my own place again with my cats. It will work out! I’ll win the lottery, or something.

It might even be The Liberation Treatment, if they can speed up the research and treatment options!!! Please sign that petition if you haven’t already.

One of the reasons I feel it is going to be fine, aside from my faith in believing everything works out the way it should, is Cheryl Richardson. I follow her on Twitter, and she offered up some Twitter Coaching the other day. I wrote her and told her in a nutshell what is going on, and asked how to handle this? She sent two very thoughtful tweets back, saying she would cry too, ask my friends for help, and to sit back and ask “how can I make this perfect?” So not only was I thrilled to get a response from her, (not quite the same as writer for The Office telling me to DATE AROUND LIKE CRAZY! hehe) but later that evening I opened up Hay House Radio on my iPod Touch (did I mention Nick is letting me use his WiFi??) for the first time in over 6 weeks and said to myself “if Cheryl Richardson is on everything will work out”. And, out of the 60 some odd people who host shows on that station, it was Cheryl who was on the air. So, it will all work out. But that won’t stop me from crying sometimes. My poor friend Pam, she thought she was doing something nice last weekend when she went to give me these little calico kitty ornaments. We hadn’t talked about this, so I shocked her by bursting into tears. She skulked and slowly put them back into the bag they came from. Oops.

So, aside from that, what’s going on around here? My new roommate is dream. She’s 91, legally blind, deaf, dementia really bad (wow, the anxiety you must be under when you live like that, believing no one knows where you are, or knowing where you slept the night before, or where the bathroom is… “I think you better call the police”) but she SLEEPS LIKE A LOG! I love her.

Tom from the dining room hasn’t been at a meal for days and days. I think he’s really sick. Chuck went home today. Something is not right when a 94 year old deaf/blind man gets to go home while Nick and I are here! I learned a bit more about Nick’s condition today, which makes more sense. I didn’t think cerebral palsy was so aggressively progressive… turns out he did something to his neck, maybe 20 years ago (he doesn’t even know what) which started this pinching on his spinal cord which has slowly gotten worse. But it’s been moving fast, the last couple years. He is waiting for a surgery that should help him. But every week he seems to be getting worse and more paralyzed. It’s scary.

One thing that is not helping either of us is the Physio Asst. has been sick all this week so we haven’t been getting our time on the MOTOmed! Or my daily walks! Everyone is suffering without her. The main Physio lady can only do so much. She did take me for a walk yesterday, but that’s it. There were some student nurses here on Monday, so I got them to take me for a walk, too. But two little walks over the course of 9 days will not be enough. On a positive note, I got my chair pimped up so that I no longer have to wear a strap around my thighs to keep my foot on the rest and my right knee from falling out. So I can independently get myself to the toilet so I’m now wearing undergarments I can pull down! I still have trouble getting my right foot on the foot rest, though, and my shoe usually falls off, so I end up riding out to find a nurse to help put me all together again. Until I am 100% independant with that they will assume I need full time care. I’ll also see how I do with the bathroom when I get home on Saturday. OH, THE THINGS YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED. Don’t tell me you think about that issue on a daily basis!

Visitors. Let’s see… Shawna came by and brought me her portable DVD player and a bunch of movies! Pam was here and brought lunch that day. My brother’s girlfriend came by on Sunday morning to shower me again, but this time a certain staff member bitched about me taking up time when there are other scheduled showers (10 MINUTES! I take all of 10 minutes, if even that! WTF!) so that put an end to that. I have Shawna coming later on Sunday afternoon to help me, but after that, I just don’t know. That Sunday morning slot worked perfect for us. I’m SO MAD. I know which staff member it was, too, so I officially hate her. She doesn’t work on my side, so I only ever see her in the dining room. But she is friends with Nick so I can’t bitch about her to him!

Of course, my dad comes regularly and my mom comes into the city twice/week. I try to make my dad “take the day off” as much as possible, but he wants to make sure I get hooked up to my EMS Machine so he’s here a lot unless I assure him someone else has done it! Speaking of, I have an appointment for a visit from a physiotherapist who specializes in neurological conditions next week. Hopefully she will give me more EMS tips.

Today the physiotherapist here came into my room and said “a little birdy told me you have a blog”. Gulp. “Word travels fast…” Many nurses have walked in while I’m writing in here and I may have mentioned its existence to her assistant. Now I feel bad if I’ve ever vented anything negative about the physio here. I really like her, and I know she has a lot of knowledge and everything. It’s not her fault they don’t have the resources to work closely with everyone. I just vent here. But I still hope she doesn’t find it. Unless she has already, and is holding it against me. “Would I find anything interesting about me there?” Not YOU, as a person! As a physio department that lacks time and resources, perhaps.

I finally got my call from the Sleep Clinic, and tonight I need to sleep with this insane sleep monitor hooked up to me. I think it’s for detecting sleep apnea, which I know I don’t have, but they will probably find out I do anyway. I told them I want to get off my addiction to sleeping pills, but I have to spend the night all hooked up and taped to this $10,000 machine, anyway. I have an instructional DVD, but I still need assistance putting everything on and testing it and it’s after 9:00 and none of the nurses here have yet confirmed they know what it is. It has to be returned by 9:00 am tomorrow, so someone better be able to help me!

I received a parcel from my dear friend Emma today. She is going to school in Scotland at the moment. And what did she send me, from all the way across the pond? A package of assorted Green & Black’s chocolate, that’s what. LOVE.