Can You Hear Me Now?

I haven’t slept well since those two drug-induced nights when I first got here and had a private room. No offence intended towards Mary, (yet here comes the offending words), I’m sure it would be a problem with ANY roommate and quite possibly the reason I would probably have a separate bedroom if I was married, but the woman eats/drinks/snores over there LOUDLY and NAs come in the room throughout the night to change her. (Maybe you wouldn’t need changing so much if you didn’t drink water all through the night, huh? Maybe??) And of course when the NA enters the door is close to MY bed, the lights go up, the talking at normal volume ensues. Once I’m woken up I don’t fall back asleep so I’m lucky if I get 3-4 hours/night. By 2:00 in the afternoon I’m crashing, big time, but I’m not able to even nap. I’m in bed for the night by 6:00 because I can’t keep my head up anymore. Yet I won’t fall asleep without drugs, which I take after 9:00 pm. Then I don’t STAY asleep.

Vicious.

My mom was here earlier and I just broke down while talking to her. An accumulation of no sleep, no shower, looking and feeling like crap, and generally just hating my life right now. Especially when the NA told me that a shower no more than once/week is the best you will get in any assisted iving facility. How the hell are you supposed to have ANY sort of social life when you’re really only clean once a week? MY HAIR?? If you’re feeling, looking and smelling gross, you certainly don’t want to go places or see people. It’s disgusting. I can’t live like this.

I miss daily showers and getting lotion put on my legs and arms. I miss range of motion exercises and stretches. I miss my Chi Machine. I miss my lift chair, my TV shows, I miss coffee (they only serve decaf here!), I miss going to the bathroom whenever I need to instead of wearing a fucking diaper because I can’t walk and there isn’t staff around to assist you whenever you need it, I MISS MY CATS. I miss my life, even though it was super boring as my mobility went downhill. I now have super motivation to get back into my own home (although a different one, a wheelchair accessible one) with self-managed care. I MUST WALK AGAIN.

I just heard Lindy singing on a commercial out in the main room (the TV is right outside my door, but no one watches MY shows) so that made me smile. Small things. I miss him.

After lunch today I followed Nick back to his room to see his set-up in there. He has more space and is able to get a TV in his room! I have nowhere to put one. The space that could be used for one is a traffic area for Mary and nurses to get to her side of the room. Nick has his laptop, mouse and pile of DVDs on his desk. He uses the Windows screen keyboard to type, one mouse click at a time. I had wondered how he did the typing thing, because he can’t speak well so I knew he didn’t use a speech recognition software, and he only has limited use of one hand. But mouse clicks he can do. I didn’t even know Windows had that feature, so that’s cool. I have a hard time typing on this, but it’s more position and space than anything. I don’t have a mouse (or anywhere to use it, really, since I’m usually in my wheelchair with this on my lap. Except at night when I’m in bed and the little table is across me) so that feature isn’t useful to me. Nick offered me use of his spare keyboard, but I really don’t have a way to use it since my lap is only so big. And I need the screen close.

Now before you get all excited that Nick and I are becoming friends, I honestly think the only things we have in common are the fact that we are close in age, both live here, and are struggling with decreasing mobility and use of our bodies. I took a peek at his Facebook page (which is partially open to anyone) and not only discovered that he is extremely smart, writes well and has a lot to say when he’s able to express it, (which is fine by me), he is also an extremely closed-minded hardcore Christian conservative. So much so, that his fan pages consist of things to do with Jesus, the bible, Stephen Harper and hating Liberals. So I don’t think he’d like me too much if he got to know me. And vice versa. I learned quite a bit about him, though, such as the fact that only a few years ago he lived on his own, worked, walked… about a year and a half ago he had to move in with his dad. He’s only been in a wheelchair since he arrived here in July. Scary stuff, speedy progression.

Oh, and he didn’t ask me a single question about myself, so that says a lot.

OH MY GOD MILDRED IS OUT THERE YELLING TO HERSELF AND IT’S MAKING ME CRAZY. “Larry! Larry! Larry! Come on Larry! Are you coming here? Come on. Please come. I don’t know where to put them! You get us out there. Yeah. I love you. Hey! I don’t have to put anything there? Oh dear, oh dear, what do I do? I don’t know what to do. I’ll give you one. Come on, girl! Come on, tell me! Hurry up. Whatever you’re doing. Are they coming over? These buns. Can you tell me? Anybody? Come on you guys, hurry up. Someone tell me. Come on! Are you on your way out? Hey! Look at me. Are you on your way out? Where are you? He’s waiting. Are you asking us back? Come on, we’re ahead of you. SANDRA! SANDRA! Why aren’t you telling us anything? Come on, say yes. You say yes, sir. Will you say yes sir? I don’t see that other American down here. Can you tell us? Come here, please. Please come here. Will you ask him? Will you please? Hey! Hey! You! Do you want a piece of this? Why not? Did I spoil it? Did you tell me what to ask for? Come on…”

Day in, day out. My friend Pam visited me yesterday and she’s pretty sure Mildred looked at her and asked “do you have a gun? I THINK YOU DO!” Hahaha! I don’t doubt it. Pam was dressed in black, including hat.

Today I received a wonderful package from my friend Gail in Toronto. She texted me when I first got here to ask if I needed anything, and I wrote back “I don’t think you can ship me a latte”, so what did she do?? Send me a box of individual packets of powdered vanilla lattes, mochas and hot chocolate mixes. And Chai tea bags and some chocolate. She rocks SO HARD.

I also had a couple male visitors yesterday. My friends Jay and Marc popped by. They only had a few minutes to spend though, so they promised to come back soon with Jay’s wife and a latte. And today, my entire family came by. First just my mom and then my brother, his girlfriend, and Bob all came for dinner. Then my dad popped by to show me the new cell phone he bought me so I can have hands free talking (sigh… he never stops, that man) and hook me up for another TENS/EMS session. We’re pretty sure we’re not doing this right so I sure hope physio is more on the ball this week. I NEED TO WALK, IT’S BEEN, LIKE, 6 DAYS. My feet are so puffy you wouldn’t believe it. Can feet burst?