Can You Hear Me Now?

FYI, I updated yesterday’s entry with photos!

So last night I go to bed taking my Most Awesome iPod touch with me, setting up the “Restful Sleep” self-hypnosis application to play. I think, oh, I can’t sleep with this on my pillow, I will surely knock it off. So I reach over to place it oh-so-gently on my nightstand, and clumsily DROP IT and it flies SOMEWHERE UNDER MY BED where I will NEVER see it again. I can still hear it, so I know it’s okay. But it’s not loud enough to hear every relaxing word. Except at the end when he goes “your session is now OVER, WAKE UP!” which I guess means it’s not supposed to actually put you to sleep for the night.

This morning, my home care worker Anna came over. Pita still goes on the hissy fits when Anna walks in, so I’m still locking her in my office. Today, Anna was my saviour when I casually mentioned I’d dropped my iPod and it’s somewhere under my bed. Anna is 67 years old and I’d never expect her to crawl around on her hands and knees for me, but she did! She reached right under and tried to get it, but ended up having to use a stick to push it out the other side and retrieve it from there. That woman is in amazing shape! I thought I’d need to get one of my tiny agile friends over here and wait until the new year when they had time… I was prepared to be iPod-less for several days.

Today, I woke up to NO NEW SNOW, the temperature is expected to go up to -3°C, and the sun is shining… which means… ::drumroll:: I’m going to get on that scooter and go to the MALL! I’ve never been so excited about being able to buy shampoo and a toothbrush in my life. I may even get a latte. Oh, and snacks for later, it’s New Year’s Eve, after all. I don’t know. I can get ANYTHING I WANT! And deposit a cheque I have been carrying in my wallet for two weeks.

Speaking of toothbrushes, I’ve been using the Crest Spinbrush lately because I really need a new head for my Sonicare and haven’t even looked into what kind I need. Anyway, the other night I went to turn on my toothbrush, and it didn’t work. So I just brushed normally and left it in the “on” position without realizing. So what happens around 2:00 a.m.? I wake up to this strange buzzing sound coming from the bathroom. I was telling my mom about that and she told me a similar thing happened to her, but she had just walked out of the house when it went off, and because that bathroom sink is against an outside wall, she heard this strange rumbling coming from the house and thought it was the furnace or something. She had to get to work, but she had a neighbour go over and check the house and tried to get a furnace company to come out and look around (luckily she wasn’t able to). The neighbour didn’t find anything. It wasn’t until mom got home that she realized it was the damn toothbrush. Heed this as a warning to anyone who uses a Crest Spinbrush. Always leave it in the “off” position, even when you think it’s stopped working! On Christmas morning mine wouldn’t shut off so I let it run all day until it wore itself out. Which is why I need a new one. I may try another brand, however.

So it’s new years eve, and I haven’t done any of those 2008 round-up MeMe’s or anything. I have thought about resolutions, however. Last night I watched a marathon of You Are What You Eat and fell madly in love with Gillian McKeith and her straight forward approach. I do wish she would move in with me for a few days, as I can’t do the stairs in her place to move in with her (like her “lazy lardy guests” do lol). I LOVE that she has that sample of the “perfect poo” hanging in her bathroom. I find that absolutely hilarious and so true… she looks at everyone’s stool samples and discusses how unhealthy their poo is and why. My Chiropractor/Naturopath goes on and on about how important digestion is and that poorly digested food and an unhealthy GI tract is the reason behind most diseases. Another thing Gillian insists on is 30 minutes of exercise 3 times/day, before each meal. I’ve been using my Chi Machine for 20 minutes/day, but my new year’s resolution is to use it 3 times/day. It just so happens I have homeopathic drops I need to take 20 minutes before I eat (to aid digestion and improve my poops!), so what I’m going to do is take the drops, use my Chi Machine for 20 minutes, then eat. I’m also going to be more careful about taking the supplements I have to help digestion. My constipation/diarrhea battles are a big reason behind all my other health troubles, I do believe. And those are the kinds of problems that run in my family. So working on my poop fitness is my goal for this coming year!

Well, I’m back from the mall. I spent over $100. That’s what happens when you stay away for weeks! I bought shampoo, body lotion, a (Colgate) battery powered toothbrush, a couple different brands of chewable calcium and magnesium (because I need those minerals desperately and I HATE swallowing pills!), coffee that isn’t espresso, as well as some snacks for tonight and a couple of books that were on sale that I’ve always wanted. You know, I really need to read more. I have so many unread books… it’s like I collect them because I like to have them, but I don’t actually read them. So maybe another new year’s resolution will be to read a book a week. 52 books in a year is totally doable, considering some people with much busier lives than me read more than twice that. I may have to give up some daytime TV…

I couldn’t get a latte because I had nowhere to put it. My basket was beyond full, and I didn’t even get cat food!

Well, I’m off to begin my New Year’s Eve. That includes putting away these purchses, making a cup of tea, and watching WTN. There’s some great shows on tonight and although When Harry Met Sally is on at 10:00, I just might be in bed by then. I’m SUCH a party animal!

I meant to update again before Christmas, but, alas, I did not. Surprised?

A lot has happened since then. For starters, my dear, sweet Grandma passed away on the 21st. I cried for a short time when I found out, just at the overall thought that she is no longer here. But in all honesty, this is much better for her. I really can’t believe she hung around as long as she did, lying in that nursing home wasting away to nothing. She would have been 96 next month. Where she is now is a much better place, and I’m sure she’s busy catching up with Grandpa and her siblings and my cousin David (who died much too young in a tragic car accident). Once she’s caught up with everyone, I fully expect her to start checking in on us down here. I could use a guardian angel! And since her last words to me were “you need a husband”, perhaps she’ll get to work on that for me.

My stir-craziness continued as we kept getting more snow and freezing temperatures. I wasn’t able to leave the house until I went to my mom’s on Christmas eve! Mom and Bob picked me up around noonish. I insisted we stop for coffee on the way, and this particular gas station (Fas Gas has really good coffee, did you know that?) was giving away free coffee! How nice. At mom’s, we ate yummy meatballs and rice for dinner and nibbled on Christmas baking and goodies while watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I’m usually the one who wants to keep with our tradition of opening one present on Christmas Eve, but this year I didn’t care. We weren’t going to open anything until my brother and Dad arrived the following afternoon, so you’d think I would have wanted to open something, but I guess I’ve outgrown the excitement of Christmas presents. The fact is, my family does so much for me all year, and is always “picking up” this or that for me, I don’t expect anything else… I actually feel guilty getting more presents.

Christmas morning mom and Bob made bacon, eggs, toast and coffee, which is pretty much the perfect breakfast. I’m still avoiding wheat and dairy generally, but I didn’t worry about it on Christmas. Especially when my dad showed up with a variety of cheeses from Springbank Cheese Co. - smoked applewood cheddar, blue cheese and brie. YUM! Add to that my mom’s cheese ball and all the goodies, and that took care of lunch. I did eat wheat free rice crackers, however. So it’s not like I went too off.

Now that my dad and brother were there, (yes, my mom, stepdad, dad, brother and me were all under the same roof for Christmas), and we were full up from lunch and snacking, we headed into the living room to open presents.

I was spoiled, as usual. My dad bought me an iPod Touch, which is pretty freakin’ awesome! Or it will be, once I figure it all out. My mom and Bob got me a whole bunch of things I needed, such as a one-cup coffee brewer (it brews right into your mug), a set of silverware, containers to keep cereal in (which was the ONE thing I begged for), books, a pink fuzzy terrycloth lounge dress thingy… I’m not sure what I’m missing. Plus, my cats even scored, with some Chia cat grass and a Catit Activity Centre, which they attacked with vigor when it was first set up, but lost interest quickly… I guess they want the catnip replenished daily.

We ate around 5:30 or 6:00, featuring all my faves: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, honey glazed carrots, and some other stuff that doesn’t really interest me like stuffing and cranberry sauce. I could live off white turkey meat, mashed potatoes, gravy and honey glazed carrots, I’m quite sure.

On Boxing Day I received another present from my dad, when he showed up with an iHome. It’s perfect, now I can keep my iPod beside me in the living room and charge it up while I play music! After a few days with that thing, it’s safe to say I’m rather addicted to it. I can check my Facebook and emails from it and I’ve downloaded several free applications of games and stuff. There are too many applications available to choose from! I’m only going for “free” at the moment. Tonight I’m going to try a sleep hypnosis application I downloaded earlier, see how that works. I must have a million self-hypnosis sleep CDs and stuff to help me sleep, but nothing works. These days I’m trying to lay off taking any medication to help me sleep, but I tend to wake up every hour regardless because I either have to pee or I’m in pain. Between both my hips and my right arm, I can’t get and stay comfortable. All would be solved if I could actually sleep on my back, but I CAN’T. I want a bed like the $25,000 hospital bed I slept in last month. That thing was amazing, the mattress automatically adjusted to my body’s position and I was never uncomfortable or in pain. I’ve never seen a hospital bed like that one before, it must be a new way they have found to spend our tax dollars.

Anyway, since I got home from my mom’s on Christmas night I’ve been stuck inside again. There is just too much snow and ice to venture out on my scooter. So the stir-craziness is setting in again! Yesterday was my brother’s birthday so him and my dad came over and we ordered in Chinese food. My mom and Bob are in Winnipeg as my Grandma’s funeral was also yesterday. (Wow, right as I typed that, a funny buzz sound came from my computer I’ve never heard before. …Grandma?) I bawled like a baby the other night, thinking about her. I thought I could move past it and feel blessed that she is in a better place and no longer suffering, but it’s not working that way. I’m bawling again now! Aw, Grandma… if you looked up “Grandmother” in the dictionary, you would see her picture. She was everything you’ve ever heard a grandma should and could be. I can’t believe I will never kiss those soft cheeks again.

I’ll edit this later to add photos! Right now I need to go finish this cry.

I’m going STIR CRAZY!! It is so freezing outside, I haven’t been able to leave my apartment in over a week. It’s way too cold, windy, icy and snowy to take my scooter out and go to the mall. (Think riding at a snail’s pace on a motorcycle in -30° weather with the windchill, you wouldn’t want to be out there I don’t care how many scarves you own. Plus it’s just not safe, scooters don’t have winter tires and there is too much snow/ice). I can’t walk enough to go up the hall and out of my apartment to get into a car. My only way out is if someone comes to get me and comes inside, helps me with my wheelchair, wheels me to their car, helps me in, puts my wheelchair in the trunk… and face it, no one wants to be doing any of that in this weather. Most people don’t even want to drive at all in this! I’m lucky I’ve had home care and family come by, and today a friend is coming over to watch movies and make coffee and order in food and stuff like that, which is great, but I want to go OUT!!! Damn weather. I feel like I’m serving a house arrest prison sentence. My plans with people to go places and do stuff keeps getting postponed “until the weather gets better”. Andrea and I wanted to get to the Saskatoon Farm before Christmas, but it doesn’t look like that will happen.

I’m just glad I finished my Christmas shopping earlier and went out with friends last Friday, minutes before the frigid temperatures and snow storm hit, to finish up my shopping and get my gifts wrapped.

Week One on my 5-HTP went well. I heard a little snippet on TV of Jim Carrey saying something about taking hydroxytryptophan, and we all know how much I love Jim Carrey, so I Googled that and woah, I guess he opened up a whole can of worms by bringing it up on Larry King. Well I say, good for you, Jim. He said the same things I’ve said right here in this very blog. That anti-depressants like Paxil and Prozac are great and often necessary but NOT FOR LONG TERM USE. You just have to keep increasing the dosage to feel better (I started at 10 mg/day, and eventually went up to 40 mg/day, as doctors increased it every time I cried). And of course he gets ragged on for not being a doctor, and neither am I, but hopefully people like Jim and his girlfriend Jenny McCarthy will help open people’s eyes to how things like diet and supplements can make a huge difference. (Without making people think they are crazy like Tom Cruise). I think by now everyone knows Jenny healed her son of Autism by removing dairy and gluten from his diet and giving him certain supplements. I’m really glad I finally heard of 5-HTP and look forward to how much better I feel in another week (it should kick in fully after two weeks). I haven’t taken any other meds besides my LDN this past week and hope to keep it that way.

Pita hissing at my home care worker Anna, and scaring the shit out of both of us, is getting worse and worse. She’s like a rabid animal. I don’t doubt for a minute that Anna has some negative energy, but she is helping me and I need her. This morning I managed to lock Pita in my office using the “let’s chase the laser light!” ploy before Anna got here. I’m going to have to do that every time Anna comes. That is, until Pita catches on and stops chasing the little red dot into my office because she knows what’s coming. My next step would be to call home care and ask that they replace Anna, which I don’t want to do, but I seriously fear for her safety and if something happened to Anna, I would be held responsible and, I dunno, would Pita be put down? Since she is the friendliest, cutest, most playful and affectionate cat on earth with every other human being that comes through my door, not to mention how I feel about her myself, there is no way in hell I’m going to let that happen.

Face of an angel, or devil in cute clothing?’

Pepper simply hides when Anna is here, so no worries about her.

Okay, I am starting to feel a lot better! I personally think getting back into daily Chi Machine use is helping a lot. I also started on a new supplement, 5-HTP, which is extracted from Griffonia seeds and is a natural way to boost seratonin levels. It is recommended in Dr. Amen’s book for depression (which I received today, but have yet to read), and it also apparently helps suppress carb cravings and improve sleep, so if that is all true, I’m off to the races!! I’ve only been taking it for two days though, so I can’t give it credit yet. But I’ll keep you posted. I’d rather take this than Paxil again, any day! After how hard it was to get off that stuff, I want to stay away from it forever. So I hope 5-HTP helps. And sleep, oh, I hope it helps me sleep, too.

I think I’m pretty much finished my Christmas shopping. Amazon has been my friend this year. I also made a trip to the mall yesterday with my brother, and tomorrow I am going again with a couple friends from elementary school days. We reconnected on Facebook and have met for coffee a couple of times, and they offered to help me out if I ever need anything, so I took them up on it! We’re going to the mall and for lunch, then they will come over here and wrap presents for me! Remind me I need tape and wrapping stuff. I haven’t giftwrapped for ages, I’ve gift-bagged!

Speaking of Amazon, one of my orders never arrived, but the tracking number and Canada Post say it was delivered December 5th. I never got it. I personally think the postal carrier left it leaning against my door, as she has before, and it was stolen. Because I live in ‘da Hood and these things happen. I once had a large container of groceries stolen from outside my door (why he left them, I’ll never know, since I was home and a knock would have been nice, but I guess delivery people consider this a secure building with the locked front doors and that neighbours are neighbourly. HA! People will even take down your UPS notices and post office notices taped to your mailbox, just to be assholes). Anyway, I thought I was going to have to go through a big claims process with Canada Post and re-order everything again and hope for a future refund. Nope, when I called Amazon they said they would put the trace on it and in the meantime send me a new order with upgraded shipping at no cost to me, so I’ll have it early next week. How awesome is that? I heart Amazon.

Speaking of Christmas shopping, I’ve been so busy being sick and feeling like crap I never got around to a Pay It Forward project this year. I did buy some toys yesterday for the Toy Mountain and I urge all of you, dear readers, to do what you can to help others in need this Christmas!! Did you watch Secret Millionaire the other night? That would be so cool to be in the position to do that.

One of my home care workers is going through the worst time right now. With her own personal life, with her son’s affair and marriage break-up, and the loss of 3 home care clients in the past week - one to death and the other two to hospitalizations they are not expected to return home from (one is only 29 and brain dead…). Her own stress and negative energy is freaking the hell out of Pita, who hisses at her every time she walks in the door. She used to even follow Anna around and hiss and growl, now she just hisses once and then hides until Anna leaves. It’s weird. If it was me feeling that way (and it has been), Pita would not leave my side (as she never did when I was at my worst… she did NOT leave my side for even a second, and if I left a room she was in without her noticing, when she awoke she would cry and whine until she saw me again). Cats are so intuitive. Pepper, on the other hand, has never shown her face to Anna, I don’t think Anna even knows I have two cats. It took many months before Pepper hung out when Janice, my other home care worker, was here. Now both cats are always around. I hope Pita comes around with Anna soon. Anna is not a bad person at all and Pita used to love her like she loves everyone. This change just came on quite suddenly. Anna scared her one day when she dropped her big bag right where Pita was sleeping, and ever since then she behaves in ways I’ve never seen Pita, lover of all people, behave. Today I gave Anna treats to give Pita. Hopefully that will eventually work.

Anyway, it’s time for me to get settled in for The Office. Ciao!

HEY! I have a blog! Maybe I should write in it sometime.

Frequent updater or not, I was given an award recently, from Weeble Girl.

The rules of the award are that I am then supposed to pass it on to at least 10 other bloggers that show great attitude or gratitude. Well, that ain’t gonna happen, because I don’t read as many blogs as I used to, and the ones I do don’t exactly fit that description most of the time! I will definitely pass it on to three people:

Maggie

Sylvie

and Sandee.

Those three ladies show amazing courage and gratitude when faced with difficult obstacles, and their positive attitudes are inspiring.

I, on the other hand, am not so sure I deserve such an award at the moment! My attitude has sucked as of late, which is one reason why I haven’t updated. I hate whining in here.

The past month has been a difficult one. I have been quite sick, alternating between diarrhea and constipation and nausea and gas pains and all that stuff. My digestive system is quite upset with me. I started feeling sick on Tuesday, Nov. 4 and by Thursday night the diarrhea hit so bad I had to go to the hospital after 6 hours of making a mess and not being able to control it! I stayed there for about 8 days until I could no longer take it there. Plus test results showed nothing major. So I was home sick for another week, getting sick within hours of putting anything in my mouth. Back in to the hospital the following Saturday, where they just gave me IV fluids and Gravol before sending me home. The conclusion was that I had some sort of “bug” that was taking it’s time leaving. Finally my Chiropractor/Naturopath came home from his holidays and I was able to talk to him. He told me doctors will say it’s some sort of “bug” or virus when they don’t know what else it is. The fact is, my GI tract is not happy with how I’ve been treating it over the years, so it’s fighting back. I’m on homeopathic drops and a strict diet for now (no wheat, dairy, raw veggies, nuts, soy, peas, beans) at least until this improves and my future will need to consist of no (or VERY little) wheat and dairy. I’ve always known that, right? I just never stuck to it for long. I always learn the hard way.

I missed several of my musician friends who passed through town while I was out of commission. Rob Szabo was here on November 7. He was able to come visit me in the hospital on Nov. 12 when he was passing through to go to a house concert (at my friend Kim’s) near Red Deer. Him and Revival Dear came into my room, closed the door (I was in a private room!) and played a couple of songs for me Soooo sweet. Then, Royal Wood was here on the 14th, whom I have never met, but I LOVE him and own all his CDs and was really hoping to see him. Plus, my friend Adam Warner was on tour with him. So, missing them sucked!! Then, Peter Katz was here the weekend I made my second hospital visit. I was home resting on the Sunday, so he popped over before his show for a quick visit, which was super sweet.

Luckily, Rob and Peter tour regularly so hopefully it won’t be long before they are here again.

Being sick and weak with no energy, unable to sleep and a shitty attitude has lead to another major depression for me. I cry at the drop of a hat over everything and nothing. I never go out. I can barely walk, and certainly not up the hall and out the door, so I’ve been home bound, since I can’t set up and operate my wheelchair by myself. And depressed, did I mention that? Both my Home Care Nurse and my doctor have talked to me about going on a type of medication that is part anti-depressant/part sedative, to take at bedtime to help me sleep as well as help the depression. I always fought it off and said “no, I’m not depressed I’m just going through a rough time”. That was months ago. I think I AM depressed now, and still not sleeping well, so when I saw my doctor on Wednesday I asked him about that medication. He wrote a script for one month and then told me to come back and see him to let him know how it’s going before he gave me more. My dad and brother were with me that day and we filled the script that night.

So, right before bed, I take ONE pill. Within half an hour, my left side started jerking uncontrollably, and my right side became COMPLETELY PARALYZED. I mean, completely! I was freaking out. In denial that I could actually be totally paralyzed, I tried to get out of bed. As soon as I tried to stand up, I hit the floor. Did you know that when you are paralyzed, you cannot weight bear? I learned that the hard way. I couldn’t even put weight on my right arm to try and roll myself over. Just… FLOP. I managed to sit up on the floor, and actually tried to get myself up, but obviously that did not work. I guess I was making more noise than I thought (perhaps swearing and HELP! and stuff) because I heard a neighbour outside my door calling to me. I have no idea who it was, but I called out that I had fallen and am disabled and unable to get up. Because I was on the floor near my bed, I could hit the speaker button on my phone and I called my dad. “I fell down!” and he said he’d be right over. All my family has keys to my apartment now, for such exciting occasions.

I guess my neighbour called 911, because suddenly the Police were knocking at my door. I called out that I could not let them in, because I was on the floor, paralyzed and unable to get up. And that my dad was on his way. They asked me if there was someone else they could call with a key that might be faster, and I yelled out the rental office phone number and that there is a manager who lives in the building they may be able to contact. So they did that, as EMS also arrived. So outside my door there were 2 police officers and 4 paramedics. Unreal. I am a BIG DEAL, people.

The resident manager finally unlocked my door, moments before my dad and brother arrived. The 4 paramedics came in and started doing the usual blood pressure/oxygen/temperature/blood sugar etc. as I swore up and down I was fine, it was simply a bad side effect from a new medication and I was sure it would wear off by morning. I did not want to go to the hospital, I just needed help to get up and back in bed. So they did that, and I signed a waiver confirming I didn’t want to go to the hospital. My dad and brother, bless their souls, offered to stay the night just in case the medication didn’t wear off by morning and I needed help.

So, I won’t be taking THAT medication again. The next morning my leg and arm were okay, pretty much back to how they were before, so my dad and brother left to go about their lives. My home care came as usual and an old high school friend came by for coffee. I faxed my doctor a letter teling him what happened, and he faxed me back another prescription for a similar medication at a much lower dose. I filled that later and took one that night. It had absolutely no effect on me, and since I can'’t mix these meds with anything else, I couldn’t even take something else to help me sleep, and literally laid awake all night.

By morning, I had just about had it. I have already lost so much of my abilities over this past year, and then the diarrhea and stuff started, taking every last bit of my strength, energy and Will left in me, and on top of that, I can’t sleep. I’m just a little bit pissed off. I don’t want to go on anti-depressants again, even if this one isn’t an SSRI and apparently not addictive. I just want to sleep and use my chi machine and drink lots of water and eat fairly healthy and get out more/socialize and listen to my Louise Hay CDs and GET BETTER. I think all of that will help more than another anti-depressant, and I do have people in my life offering to help. Two old friends from high school are actually taking me out for shopping and lunch on Friday, and another couple friends are going to arrange times to help me get to the pool and stuff. My friend Andrea even wants to take me out to the Saskatoon Farm for lunch soon! So, decision made. No more new drugs. Back to what I was doing before I got sick a month ago and enough with the shitty attitude. And I’m going to read this book. That doctor was on PBS today and had a lot of great things to say, that pertain to me.

And finally, another Meme-type thing from Maggie.

The rulz:

1. Go to your pictures file.
2. Go to the 4th file.
3. Go to the 4th picture.
4. Post it and tell the story.
5. Tag 4 more people

I know Maggie was hoping for a cute kitty pic, but my cat pictures file is called “Pita and Pepper” and is way further down than 4th. The 4th file is “Donna’s Stuff” and the 4th picture is:

I tore that page out of the Air New Zealand magazine when I was on my way to Auckland in November, 2001. I’ve always enjoyed a bellini, and was quite excited to find out The Hilton in Auckland has an actual bar called The Bellini, where they apparently make the best ones in the world. Well, The Hilton on Prince’s Wharf in Auckland, NZ sells a bellini for $28 (a mini muffin is $8 and I think fries were $15) and it wasn’t even that GOOD! I much prefer the cheaper restaurants here. But the experience was worth it, and we made sure to visit the gorgeous washrooms on the way out and steal a couple of lovely Hilton white face clothes.

As for tagging? If you read this and have a blog, consider yourself tagged