Can You Hear Me Now?

I love Jim Carrey. You may already know that about me. What you may not know, is how far back and deep my love for Jim Carrey goes. It started 26 years ago, at the ripe old age of 14. I’m not even sure where I saw him. Some TV show on CBC, I think. He was cute and funny and I started crushing on him. Then, devastation: I open People magazine and flip to a gossip page where I see a photo of Jim with Linda Ronstadt captioned: “Linda Ronstadt and her boy toy, Canadian comic James Carrey”. He would have been about 19 or 20 at the time. I remember pulling out my mom’s Linda Ronstadt record and playing it, holding the album cover in my hands, staring at her picture and crying. She was sooooo lucky, she had my man!! I couldn’t wait to see movies like Once Bitten and Peggy Sue Got Married. Anything My Jim was in, I’d watch! I was thrilled for him when he got In Living Color. Finally he would receive the fame and recognition he so greatly deserved.

I always knew My Jim was super talented. He was not only hilarious, but he could act, baby! I knew he’d make it as a comedic actor as well as a dramatic one. I have stood firmly in my belief in that man over the years, even through the bad movies, my faith in him prevailed. Although I may have been a little quieter about my love for him during the really bad movies and that marriage blip; that was a difficult time in our relationship. But I knew, deep down, that he would always come out a winner in the end, My Jim. I know a good thing when I see it.

Yesterday, My Jim appeared on Oprah, with his love Jenny McCarthy. (Who, by the way, I LOVE, and was so happy when they got together). The show was about Mother Warriors and was very inspiring. Jim was not there to promote a movie or be silly, so we got to see a deeper side of him (one I always knew he had because I have loved him for 26 years).

Jim said the most amazing thing, when they were talking about women with challenges (whether it be themselves or their children) and how these women (like myself) often think they will be alone forever because no one would want them with all the troubles they come with. This is what came out of the mouth of My Jim:

Jim says women should keep in mind what they do want—not what they don’t want—from a partner. “If you go around saying, ‘It’s impossible. No one will ever love me. A good man is hard to find,’ then you’re saying to the universe that you don’t believe in abundance,” he says. “This universe that created the stars, galaxies, Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon and the duck-billed platypus is quite capable of finding someone for you that has the capacity to love you, no matter what your situation is, and think of it as a blessing.”

POW. I love you, Jim Carrey. Even more now, than 26 years ago, if that’s possible. Thank you.

Things are moving along in the Home Care department. Today was my first visit with my new lady. It looks like I may actually end up with 2 or 3, because Janice can’t do Wednesday or Thursday mornings, and she doesn’t work weekends. I’ve got a woman named Anna for Saturdays; I’ve met her a couple times before when Harpal was sick and she is a sweetheart. Janice will be coming Monday, Tuesday and Friday mornings for personal care, Monday and Thursday afternoons for range of motion exercises, and every second Thursday for housekeeping. Hopefully a good routine will be put in place soon, maybe Anna can even do the Wednesdays and Thursdays. Janice is a great lady, I think we’ll get along just fine. And no language barrier! We actually chatted for a long time this afternoon after my exercises, to the point that my speech started to slur!

I’m really liking my Chi Machine. I’m up to 10 minutes/day, and I can tell it’s going to get better and better over the weeks as I work up to 20 minutes. I really feel like I’ve worked out afterwards, yet it’s relaxing at the same time. I feel good after I use it, too, which is what you’re supposed to feel like after exercise, right? Energized, and all that? What I find interesting, is that when I asked the Occupational Therapist who’s been over a lot lately if he’s ever heard of a Chi Machine, he said “no” and played dumb. The next time he was over he noticed I actually have one, and it’s set up on the table, so he then told me “many of my clients have those, and they love them. But because they are not an ‘approved’ form of exercise or therapy, we are not allowed to recommend/discuss them or help clients use them”. It’s really a shame, because I think they would make a huge difference for people who are paralyzed. Paraplegics have physiotherapists to move their limbs and exercise their legs. This machine would help so much, just lay their ankles in it and turn it on and let the machine do the work to keep the circulation going throughout the body and strengthen leg muscles. What a shame that the medical profession won’t even consider the many uses it could have.

Oh, speaking of my OT, he was here on Monday with a motorized wheelchair for me to try out. I wasn’t allowed to keep it here because there isn’t really room in here, plus I can’t open my building doors by myself. With one hand on the controls and the other un-useable, I don’t have any way to open the doors and of course, they’re not automatic. I can do it on my scooter because I’m positioned differently and can use my left leg. So, no motorized wheelchair for me unless I move into a 100% wheelchair accessible location. Which is sort of on the agenda, but between you and me, I don’t wanna. I want to get stronger and get back to the strength and mobility I had at least before I broke my wrist in June/06. If I move, and get a motorized wheelchair, I’m just setting myself up for worsening health and mobility, as far as I’m concerned. Law of attraction, and all that. I need to think healing, positive thoughts and ignore the alternative. “One’s perception of their own health is more important than their actual health”. Perception becomes reality. And I perceive that I am getting better, not worse. Right? Right.

SEASON PREMIERE OF THE OFFICE TONIGHT OMG.

It’s a bloody miracle:

After two months and 3 days of waiting patiently (HA!), I finally got my exercise mat platform on Thursday. My dad and brother came over in the evening and set it up. So, welcome to my new dining room! Everything fit perfectly, the cat food table and garbage just fit to the left and my recycling basket fits at the foot of the table beside the hutch (behind my big chair). My chair still goes all the way back in reclining position without hitting anything. Purrrrrfect.

On top of it is my Chi Machine, which I have been using for a few minutes/day. You have to work up to 20 minutes/day slowly, and I can see why. It’s a little harder than it looks, especially when you’re as out of shape as I am. Plus, like everything else on this planet, it’s made for skinny people who can easily fit their ankles in the end and lay back straight without any discomfort (i.e. perhaps your legs are not sticks and your thighs need a little more room so they’re not squished up against each other). But fat people don’t really exist, do they? Except in the “before” pictures on diet ads. So we don’t need to worry about bodies that come in different shapes and sizes, oh no no no.

Anyway, I’m just going to keep using it every day and hope for the best! I know it’s doing something and I can feel the “whoosh” of my chi flowing when I turn it off. I need to lie there, and then sit there, for a few minutes before I can get up again because I do feel like I’ve worked out and need to re-group. Unfortunately, I find it really hard to stretch on that table or do anything myself because I am so out of shape and can’t move my right limbs on my own. I do have another home care worker who will be doing range of motion exercises with me twice/week, starting soon I hope. Actually, I’m getting a new home care worker altogether because I hit my breaking point with Harpal yesterday. My needs and the way I need to do things have changed over the past 6 months, and she’s not changing with me. The supervisor has been here twice to go over things with her, but she still can’t/won’t do it the way she’s been told. She doesn’t understand English or basic, simple instructions and we’re always arguing. Simple things the supervisor went over with her she argues aren’t her job and won’t do them or wants to do them her way, which doesn’t work for me. I had a long talk with her supervisor yesterday and we’ve given up on trying to teach Harpal and someone new should be here this week. It’s too bad, because she was great in the beginning, when my needs were very simple and she barely had to help me. I pretty much only needed real help putting on my bra. Now I need more help and she doesn’t seem to like it. Well, neither do I, but it’s your bloody job and if you’re not going to do it right they will send me someone who will.

I’ve been keeping to a fairly steady regimen of meditating/self hypnosis for two hours/day. I mean, if Gwyneth Paltrow can work out with her personal trainer for two hours/day, 6 days/week, I can certainly meditate. I may not have the money for a trainer, but I do have the time and plenty of CDs to de-stress! No excuses, really. I’m also remembering to say affirmations as often as possible. I do have to commit to doing the personal work I need to do in order to heal… I’ve ordered the Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook and an affirmations toolkit (I was ordering the Sex and the City movie, anyway, so the added items gave me free shipping and I consider it a good investment). I have a LOT of work to do on myself, and if I have to commit to it like a full-time job, I will. Just keep me away from daytime TV and I’ll be able to do it.

Lately I’ve been visualizing that Louise Hay is my long lost great Aunt and upon discovering my existence and the trouble I am in with my health, she invites me to come and live with her for 3 months and work one on one with me. Ahhhhhh, I wish!!!

I’ve got more to talk about, like chocolate, but I have to go fit in an hour of self hypnosis before my dad gets here, and then work on this “client impact statement” I have to write to tell the government why they need to give me a motorized wheelchair. Hopefully it is the last “woe is me” related thing I ever write.

A few things I discovered during my short Wellness retreat:

• It is very difficult to meditate with two cats who jump and walk all over you, rip up and down the hall, jump at the walls, jump on everything and knock stuff off, and generally make it impossible to lay still with your eyes closed;
• I need a larger supply of AA batteries for my CD player;
• The reason meditation courses, retreats, Ashrams, etc. make you get up at 4:30 a.m. is NOT so you are up when the sun rises, or “with God” or whatever… it’s so you can fit everything you’re supposed to be doing into that day. I made what I thought was a fairly simple list of what I’d be doing/listening to/watching/drinking/eating every day and it all takes a lot longer than you’d think!
• I need to change my thinking and speaking drastically and urgently.

I had to bail out a day early and I didn’t do any of the office de-cluttering (I found that just frustrated me more and the whole point of this was to be positive, quiet and meditative for a few days). I had left a message on my voice mail that said “if you’re calling about my home care or Sammons-Preston delivery, please leave a message, otherwise call back Wednesday” and yesterday morning I received 3 messages regarding home care. In order to take down the names/phone numbers I had to turn on my computer to type them out. Then I was on the phone making appointments and dealing with stuff, and I figured while I was here, I may as well email Sammons-Preston again and ask what the hell is going on and why they didn’t respond to my last email. Within seconds of hitting “send” they CALLED ME! Oh my God, actual customer service. I was told delivery had been attempted last week and that I had refused it. WTF??? So…. you don’t call me about that? They obviously attempted delivery to the wrong address. So she confirmed my address again and then I was on and off the phone with the freight company and had to leave my phone on because they’d be “calling before they delivered”. Of course, with my email client open, I retrieved my email, dealt with what I had to (work stuff), then it was off to check Facebook, and then it was all over.

I never did get my mat platform delivered yesterday, so this morning I called the freight office in Toronto to tell them I will be home all day today awaiting the delivery. The guy says “great! We’ll get it to you today for sure!”. I switched work to tomorrow instead, because this has been 2 months in the waiting and I’m not going anywhere until this mat platform is IN MY HOME. Then, the local freight office calls me (after I had already cancelled and re-booked my Access rides for tomorrow) to tell me there is some problem with overbooking deliveries and they can’t guarantee it will be here today, it will most likely be tomorrow. For FUCK SAKES. I have never had so many problems with incompetent service in my LIFE.

I got some great service last night, though, when I decided the “retreat” had obviously ended early. I needed some furniture moved around in my bedroom to make things easier for me, on the advice of the occupational therapist that was here last week. So I called Shawna to see if she could come by with a helper after work, and she showed up with both her parents who are in town visiting. They moved everything around in no time at all. Now I need the pole beside my bed moved over, so it’s beside my bed again, but that will have to wait until Monday when the pole installer guy is here to install another pole for me (I’ll need one beside my mat platform IF IT EVER GETS HERE).

Anyway, I need to do a lot of mental work. I have been watching You Can Heal Your Life every day, and crying crying crying like crazy. I first read Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” in 2003. I even reviewed it in an MS With Attitude newsletter back then. That was FIVE YEARS AGO. I’ve known this stuff for so many years. Meanwhile, I would give anything to go back to the state of health I was in 5 years ago, which was SO much better than today. I started MS With Attitude because I considered myself an example of how to LIVE with MS, and how to keep a positive outlook and attitude, and wanted to encourage/inspire others. I read the main page of that site now and realize I have become everything I feared. That I have become an “MS Pro” living with home care and equipment and therapists and wheelchairs and social workers and accessible housing and all the shit I never wanted to get into. And I know that it is all my fears and negative thinking and talking that made it this way. Even though I knew better. I KNEW BETTER!! And now here I am. I feel like such a failure. And that’s why I cry and cry and cry when I watch that DVD. On one hand, I have hope that I can turn it around. On the other, I’m so pissed off at myself for letting it get this bad. I’m not looking for sympathy or for you to say “oh Donna, don’t blame yourself, that’s too much” or whatever. I know and understand the Laws of the Universe. I also know I have been using them the wrong way, by accident of course. No one intentionally makes themselves sick. I am living proof that “you become what you think about, whether you want it or not”.

Many times I have stated right here that I’m not going to talk about MS on this blog anymore, (HA!), that I’m not going to focus on anything negative, and it’s not long before I renege on that promise. It’s even worse in my day-to-day life, the way I think and talk to myself. If I didn’t have my two adorable kitties to brighten my day, I swear there would be many days that not a positive thought would go through my brain. I’m the Queen of bitching out loud to myself and crying myself to sleep about everything I struggle to do each day.

I need to pull that book out again, dust it off, and actually DO THE WORK. Every single day!!!

I realize it’s been awhile since I’ve updated and the reason is I’m just not having the best time as of late. I’m still super stressed and frustrated about a lot of things, and having a difficult time emotionally dealing with a lot of things, so I’ve decided to go on a meditation retreat. Of course, I can’t actually go on one, so I’m setting it up so I can do it at home. I was going to wait until I received my exercise mat platform so I could include daily stretches and Chi Machine sessions, BUT, I STILL DON’T HAVE THAT DAMN TABLE (the last email from the company said delivery was planned for Aug. 29 to Sept. 5, yet I still don’t have it, have not heard anything, and they’re not responding to me yet again. For the record, never ever ever ever order anything from Sammons-Preston) so I’m just going to go ahead and get started without it. I’m about ready to have a nervous breakdown, no thanks to Sammons-Preston for the role they are playing in that, so I need to take a step back. My little daily meditations aren’t helping so I need to do something more drastic, just like the way people jump start healthy eating by doing a detox first. I need to go drastic and then maybe a little bit every day will be enough.

Of course, I work on Wednesdays, and I can’t take time off from that right now (year end was Aug. 31 so I’ve got a lot to do, plus we’re switching software programs) so the plan is to do this for the next 4 days, then take Wednesday to work and catch up on emails, then do another few days. I also need to do it now because the season premiere of The Office is Sept. 25 so I must be done before then. I’ve also got a motorized wheelchair coming on Sept. 22 to test out in my apartment, and visits planned with various Therapists and an MS Case Manager that week (a new position in the Calgary Health Region, created to help us MSers better navigate through the System). (Yes, you read that right, I mentioned The Office season premiere before the other stuff!). There is going to be a lot to deal with so I need to be prepared.

So, the next few days look like this for me:

• Home Care still has to come so I won’t be taking a TOTAL vow of silence;
• No telephone, TV, computer or internet;
• Lots of healing tea drinking and chocolate eating (more on that another day, after I’ve had more time to try it out)
• My freebie little Silva Ultra Mind mp3, 3 times/day
• Hours of self-hypnosis CDs every day
• Lots of meditation, with and without guided CDs
• Law of Attraction study time
• Louise Hay and Deepak Chopra DVDs (the only TV allowed!)
• Half an hour/day of decluttering

Oh, call me selfish or crazy or whatever, I don’t care. I really feel like I need to do this. If I could afford to travel to an Ashram in India and to Bali to see the Medicine Man, I TOTALLY would!!