Can You Hear Me Now?

I don’t have my kitten yet. I do have the litter box, some food, a cat bed, some spray to keep him from clawing my couch, and food/water bowls. I still need the actual cat litter (will need help with carrying that one) and a few other things like a scratching post, spray catnip (that stuff works great, as I recall), toys… I also need to clear stuff out of my office closet to make room for that gigantic litter box. I’ve got a lot of old computer junk stored in there and an old air conditioner that needs to be removed. I’ll need help with all that, too. THEN it will be time to bring home the kitty. I’m hoping in a couple weeks. It’s my birthday present, so it just has to be before May 1.

I may have inadvertently sent AH back to his wife. It would take too long to explain “how” exactly and the conversation we had, but it led him to thinking about some things and talking to his wife again (they have been separated two years). They are just talking right now, but getting back together may be a very good thing considering they have small children, and I’m all for keeping a family together if at all possible. It may also be a not-so-good thing considering the problems they’ve had over the years, and it’s not exactly a good thing to raise children in an environment where no one is happy and the parents are frustrated and resentful of each other. It’s not for me to say either way, we’ll just see what happens. All I know is, on a selfish note, I don’t want to lose him, and I will. It would be completely inappropriate for us to be friends if he goes back to his wife. AH said “why, we’re not doing anything…” but I see it differently. I am single, I am HIS friend only and we talk all the time and she does not know me, we have slept together… it’s just not appropriate in so many ways. Not to mention the fact that I am still incredibly attracted to him and don’t see that ever changing. I would have to gracefully step out of his life, and I know I would cry for days because I already have been lately at the mere thought of it. He’s become a huge part of my life and I realize now that I have been wrong about him in a lot of ways. He really is everything he has ever presented himself to be to me. When I read this paragraph in Dietgirl’s blog the other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks: “my crushing self-doubt made me doubt other people’s sincerity and motives - I’ve been untrusting and paranoid. I’ve let friendships be ruined because I felt so crappy about myself — I just assumed everyone else felt the same”. I have done that, most certainly with men, and most DEFINITELY with AH. My suspicions, paranoia and distrust of him have been completely unfounded. He is who he is and the way he is and has never misrepresented himself to me. I’ve read into things and tried to analyze things and came to some wrong conclusions about him and for that I am sorry. Not that I can apologize to him, because he doesn’t really know… this has all been behind his back when talking with girlfriends and stuff, but I’m sure he sensed it too and was probably on the receiving end without my even realizing it.

Whatever will be, will be. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and things will work out the way they are meant to, which actually helps me feel a bit better. If AH is meant to get back with his wife and be a family again, then that’s great for him and I will wish him the best. I’ve always said I was prepared to have my heart broken by this man, should my heart ever get into it… which it has now, because we’ve actually been getting to know each other over the past few months of talking several times a week, and I’ve learned a lot about him. He’s dug his way in. Did I mention he finally came to see the Polyjesters with me last week?? And loves them? And tore open their CD immediately and it’s always playing in his car now? Yeah. Way to get into MY heart!!

Anyway, such is life. My heart will break, I will cry, I will get over it eventually and move on. It is inevitable. Because if he doesn’t get back together with his wife, there would be someone else eventually… and in the meantime, what am I hanging around for? Developing feelings for a man that isn’t available to me and that I 99.999% surely would never end up with is what I am notorious for. I guess because it is safe.

Sigh.

Okay, enough of my reflective babble that further proves how messed up I am when it comes to men. I’ve had a busy week filled with a lot of work, and then on Thursday I went and got pampered at the salon (yay, tax time money!). My hair was cut and coloured and I received a fabulous pedicure that included an amazing foot and lower leg massage. She was awesome. It looks like the salon may become a new bookkeeping client as well, because my hair dresser just took it over March 1 and needs someone. We talked and she showed me her files and records, and I told her to bring it all by in about a month when she has a couple bank statements and more to do. I see free hair cuts in my future.

I was supposed to go see the Polyjesters that night again too, but I felt tired and crappy so I needed to stay in. Which was very unfortunate, considering my hair will never look like that when I do it.

Tonight my friend Kim is coming in to town from Red Deer and we’re going to meet Michelle at the Beatles tribute the Polyboys are performing in. Should be a lot of fun! I love it when Kim stays over. Maybe we’ll get Tim Horton’s in the morning again!