Can You Hear Me Now?

I’ve got a ghost or spirit (or angel?) or something.

Last night I went to the closet up my hall to grab a big green garbage bag to gather up any garbage I had laying about. Please note here that while I was up this hallway, there was nothing on the floor.

My first stop was the living room, where I had a styrofoam container that had previously held my lunch, a Gyro pita w/fries from Opa! (evidence of my healthy eating patterns of late). Beside it was two unused ketchup packets. I put it all in the bag, then proceeded to the kitchen where I emptied my kitchen garbage container into this big bag. Then I set the bag down.

Please note that walking from my living room to my kitchen in no way takes you up the hallway in my apartment.

I walked back to the living room and glanced up the hall towards the bathroom. I noticed something white on the floor way up the hall. I walked over to pick it up.

It was one of the ketchup packets.

After my initial “what the….?!” shock, I thought, well, isn’t that sweet. God knows I’ve been having a rough time lately and sent someone down to look after me.

I sat down and nibbled on nacho chips left over from my New Year’s Eve Binge and watched TV.

I then proceeded to spend the evening with the most intense gas pains ever, the effects of my overindulgence and crappy eating the past few weeks catching up with me. I threw up at least five times until I was throwing up air. I drank water and baking soda in attempts to make myself belch away the pain. I lay in bed or in front of the toilet or wherever, moaning in pain. I finally fell into bed at 9:00 p.m., still in pain but too exhausted to fight it. I just breathed and let it calm down.

At 12:30 a.m. I finally got up to take something to help me sleep. Something I had managed to avoid doing for the past three nights (yay me!) but I wasn’t sleeping and I really just wanted to sleep away the pain and wake up feeling better. I saw on the kitchen counter the last bit of chocolate left in my house… I looked at it in disgust and slammed that baby into the garbage like I meant it.

I slept on and off until 1:30 in the afternoon. I still feel sick to my stomach and like I could throw up any minute. The last thing I want to do is eat, and the mere thought of grease, sugar or fat makes me ill.

Damn, that ghost is good.

p.s. I was just relaying this story to a friend.. and she pointed out “notice what he chose to get your attention - the ketchup packet. Ketchup is acidic! And it goes along with things like burgers and fries and other junk… it was like he was saying, ‘look at what you are doing to yourself, stop it…’ and then he made you!” OoooOOOOoooOooo!

While I was doing my daily blog-reading this morning, I came across this post. Awhile back I mentioned I was reading a great book (Conversations with the Fat Girl) and I’ve since found out the author, Liza Palmer, has a blog. Her entry today really hit a chord with me. I hope she doesn’t mind that I’m copying/pasting!!

EVEREST

Here’s the beginnings of my new year epiphany. I was walking the dog the other day and really talked this one out - yes, to the point of being seen as crazy - but, the shit had to get talked out. I should really invest in one of those Bluetooth things so as I can just plug that baby in and go to town.

I got the image a while back about life being kinda like Mount Everest - that the journey to finding our own beauty was like this on going trek up the mountain - not one big leap as I had once thought. And then I got to thinking. That the analogy isn’t just limited to the journey to health - it really is about life in general.

Life is this big fucking mountain that just sits before us waiting to be conquered. Sure, we could all just chill in Nepal - but the mountain beckons. So we climb.

The first few base camps blur into each other - junior high, high school, college or getting a job - in my case it was the latter…but then, or shall I say, now - especially in your 30’s - those base camps are really getting interesting.

The need to climb isn’t really a need anymore. We’re high enough. The view is pretty good. There’s other people at this base camp. What’s so great about the summit anyway? Didn’t we say we just wanted to climb, not conquer, Everest? So, what’s the harm in staying at this base camp for awhile? And we do. We saddle ourselves with too much shit to carry on up the mountain. We befriend people who have no desire to continue the climb. We convince ourselves that this, not the summit, is what we want.

But, it’s not.

I know that I could find a perfectly respectable life at this Base Camp. I know I could probably find a nice little apartment, nice little friends, a nice little routine, even a nice little husband at this base camp. It’s all so convenient. It’s all so reachable. And yet lately I’ve been starting to look up the mountain to the next base camp. What’s it like? What would I be like? Would the journey change me? What awaits me?

I think I finally realized that I wanted to start climbing again. That this base camp isn’t making me happy - and even though I will probably leave a few people behind - I’m going to pack my shit up and head up the mountain again. It’s the summit I want. And shame on me for thinking I deserved any less than a view from the top.

And for all of us trying to shed pounds or starve ourselves in honor of this new year - please let’s enter into this new year loving ourselves. Ready to excavate our beauty. Ready to take off the suit of armor. Ready to play again. Ready to get closer to the world. Ready to see our face again. Ready to treat our bodies as the beautiful temples they are. Let’s switch the perspective and remember who we’re doing this for.

And then she posted that “Phenomenal Woman” speech by Maya Angelou.

Thank you Liza! I needed that.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I’m trying to think of a theme for this year… last year I called it the Year of the Sunflower and I have since been bombarded with sunflower paraphernalia such as pictures, paintings, drawings, cards, the flowers themselves (real and fake), even dishes. I love it all and will keep that theme in my life forever, but now I need a new one for 2006… I’m thinking, money.

2005 was a very good year for me, overall. My good friends became better friends, I managed to get the hottest man I’ve ever seen IN MY LIFE to ask me out and then some, I traveled to Montreal and met Emma and got to hang with her again in Toronto, I saw lots and lots of live music all over the place and earned the respect, admiration, trust and love of one of my very favourite performers, worked lots, worked less, went out lots, went out less, started swimming again… it was quite an eventful year. Towards the end though, things haven’t been so hunky-dory. The fall was tough and the winter tougher, so up and down. I’ve made some changes to the medication I’m taking and I’m adding new therapies in for 2006, so we’ll see how it goes. I am very hopeful!

I’ve started keeping a gratitude journal (or I will be by the end of the day!). Lisa talked about starting one January 1st and that inspired me to do the same. It’s one of those things I’ve always meant to do but never kept it up. So, since I have to type whatever I write on the computer anyway, I may as well do it in a blog and keep in online. That way I know people are checking in and that will help hold me accountable to it! If you don’t have it and want the address, email me or leave a comment so I can email you and I’ll send it to you.

2006 is going to be a great year for so many people, me and you included!