Can You Hear Me Now?

You* meet a man at the end of December. He is gorgeous and hot and sexy and sweet and you think, he must be the best looking man in his field of work. The next time you see him, about 6 weeks later, you realize… no, he isn’t just the best looking man in his field, he is the best looking man you have ever laid eyes on ever. The next time you see him, a couple weeks later, you realize you officially have a crush on him. He’s just too hot for words, has a really good vibe about him, is fun to talk to and very kind. There’s a good heart and soul in there.

Six weeks go by and you’re ready to burst. You have been dying to see him because you finally decided you are going to ask him out next time, no matter what, don’t let the chance go by. FINALLY the day comes that you see him. It’s the end of April and your birthday is coming up. Oh my, so is his. Oh, well, how about that, it’s the same day as yours! How interesting. He says I think we need to go for a drink and celebrate that. And you say OKAY!!

So the first date happens, and you have a lot of fun. You learn a few things about him that make you a little uneasy… he is still married, separated only a year… three small kids… probably not someone who is looking to jump into anything, and do you even want to jump into anything with that kind of baggage hanging about? Well, one day at a time, right. He is still cute and sexy and fun and you never know.

The weeks go by. He seems rather up and down. Very attentive one day, then disappears for a week, stuff like that. You confront him… “what’s up, sometimes I think you like me, then I don’t know, you seem to have a very short attention span…” He tells you it has nothing to do with you. He has so much stuff going on in his life and it’s all rather complicated, you don’t even want to know. But it has nothing to do with you, as you are an angel, and he kisses you good night softly and sweetly. Sigh.

So that gets him by for a little while longer. The next few weeks he calls you and you talk on the phone a lot, but notice it is odd that the conversations never end with him saying “so, what are you up to this weekend?” or trying to make plans to get together. Hmmm. Three weeks since you last saw each other you decide to go to a movie. He picks you up, pays, drives you home, kisses you goodnight and when he holds you close a little whimper escapes from his mouth. Ahhhhh, the whimper. You know that one. It’s the “I really like you and I WANT to but I just CAAAAN’T” whimper.

You assess the situation. You like each other, you’re attracted to each other, but face it, the guy has “stuff” going on in his life and he’s not willing to discuss it with you so it must be a pretty big obstacle. His family, for one, controls a lot of his life and will continue to as long as he can’t learn to say “no”. And you don’t just mean his kids, you are talking brothers, sisters, cousins, nephews, aunts, uncles… The youngest of 9 kids in a huge family with a culture very different from yours, especially when it comes to family. A single Canadian girl from a very small family who has lived COMPLETELY ALONE for at least 12 years and spends all of 10 minutes a day maximum in the kitchen** can’t compete and wouldn’t even want to try!

So you decide to end it. He doesn’t have room for you in his life and isn’t making a real effort to create that room. You can’t read his mind and as long as he’s not telling you what’s going on inside of it, you’re just frustrated. So you tell him you think he’s a great guy and wish things could be different, but alas, adios amigos.

Meanwhile, you know deep down it is NOT OVER entirely because there was a reason that man came into your life and it wasn’t just to test you, no matter what you tried to tell yourself. As time passes though, the more you think about it, the more you know there is no real future for the two of you, even if his up-and-down behaviour evened out. He didn’t come into your life to marry you, THAT is for sure. Two worlds colliding does not always work out like an INXS song. There are too many things, and in this case mainly cultural values, that would make it impossible. You know this. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun, does it??

Fast forward almost a month later. He pops up on MSN. You had deleted him so that you didn’t have to look at his name every day and wonder if he’d ever log on. You didn’t block him, so he could see you and say hello if he was so inclined. And he did.

“Are we still friends?” he asks. You say yes, you would think so. You’re not mad or anything. You start the idle chit chat when suddenly he pipes up “I am really sorry things didn’t work out between us. I thought I was ready and could move on but I was wrong.” You thank him for letting you know that and being honest. That is really all you ever wanted. You talk a bit more until you need to go out. He says he can offer you friendship and would really be happy to have you as a friend. Okay, you say, knowing damn well that ain’t ever gonna happen, because there is no way in hell you can be friends with a man that HOT. Yeahhhh right!!! You re-add him to your MSN.

On the weekend he pops up again. You start talking about another couple you both know, two people who are engaged in having some “fun” without any real strings attached or a serious relationship. He asks you if you have ever had that sort of relationship with someone. You know what he is getting at, but you keep it “general” and pretend you are talking about “other” people. He asks if it gets complicated if one person likes the other one more. You say, of course it would, because then one person would be hoping for more and they would be hurt. That is why it is important to always be open and honest with the person about what you are thinking/feeling to ensure no one’s feelings get hurt and the other person can decide if they want to continue. He talks about how he doesn’t want regrets in life and that life is what you make it. This discussion ends with him planning to come over to watch a movie. You’re pretty sure you know what’s going to happen next.

He shows up, you watch the movie. He strokes your arm, you play with each other’s hair, just the basic stuff “friends” do when watching a movie together. Heh. No real MOVE is made. The two of you are always so nervous around each other when it reaches this point and you can’t figure out why. Nothing happens. He has to get up at 6:00 a.m. the next morning to go fishing. It is 11:30. *Yawn* “I better go”. Hugs at the door. Kisses on the cheek. What the… why the…. What is WRONG with you two??

Two days later you call him to have that discussion exactly. “What is wrong with us? What is our problem? We both want to… why do we get so nervous? Other people don’t have this problem. We are pathetic.”

The next day he logs onto MSN again and you start a very in-depth conversation about exactly what it is you both want from this. He is worried about it getting complicated because of what you had said the other day, but you were talking in general, not about YOU. You tell him you don’t have the deep feelings for him he may think you do. You like him… you do not love him. You are all up for having some fun, but there is a certain element of respect that comes into that for you. “Absolutely”, he says. “I know who you are”. His typos by the end of the conversation were so bad because of his nerves (hee!) that he just ended with a “talk to you later”. He was off to work after a cold shower ahahaha. And you were reminded the rest of this week of another reason why you could never fall in love with this man… he works insanely long hours and between work and his family, has no time or energy left for you. The guy just really needs a break from it all once in awhile and you think you’re the one to give that to him. And why the hell not?? You are 37, single, mature, safe, and it’s been a hell of a long time.*** He is someone you have known for over 6 months and you trust him. You read an old Vanity Fair article in the dentist’s office yesterday about Angelina Jolie and her lover (pre-Brad Pitt), how they work that all out and how it’s mutually beneficial and healthy. It was a very timely read. And we all know that you and Angelina Jolie are, like, the same person.

He was supposed to come by last night, but once again got home later than planned, showered, then knew he wouldn’t be “good for anything”. He promised to make it up to you tonight.

That is, if his nerves don’t get the best of him.

* “You” in this particular entry can mean absolutely anyone.
** This could be anyone
*** Again, this could be anyone